Fear of confrontation

Hey everyone, I noticed there are one or two similar threads floating around, but every conversation tells its own story, right?

Looking at the numbers here, we’ve got over 42 million posts and about 500k members—though I’d say at least half of you are actually active. And naturally, within that active crowd, you’re going to find everything: regular folks, therapists, doctors, criminals, good people, bad people, those struggling, people in recovery, scammers, you name it. That’s why I figure this is actually a solid place to go looking for some real advice...

So, let me just cut straight to the chase. My parents really coddled me growing up, but I was also constantly getting picked on or provoked by other kids. Because of that, I never really learned how to make my own decisions or stand my ground... To be honest, I almost never hit anyone back, even when I was just trying to defend myself.

Even now, I still carry this lingering anxiety. It makes me terrified of confrontation, regardless of whether the person is in the wrong or if they're bigger or smaller than me...
It’s like my soul is craving a fight, but I just can’t find the guts to step up.
My self-esteem is still pretty low, though it’s definitely better than it used to be.
Other areas of my life have improved significantly too, and I can handle things now that used to be impossible, but I really want to tap into that full sense of masculinity within me..

And look, I’m not trying to be some "alpha male" wannabe or anything like that; I just want to be able to react defensively when it’s necessary, plain and simple.

Honestly, I think 80% to 95% of men lack any real backbone, and so far, I'm right there with them.
Most guys just don't want to admit it publicly.

It’s honestly pretty primal and straightforward... just let it out the second it hits you. Don't overthink it, don't hesitate—just spit it out before it gets stuck in your throat or lingers on the tip of your tongue. Just vent... remember that little rush of pride you get when you finally say what's bothering you, or when you just say "no" or "enough" and shut something down. It feels amazing, right? Don't sweat the fallout in the moment; once it's out there, then you can deal with the consequences and figure out your next move. I really think that split second where you just let it fly is everything... once it's out, you'll stick to your guns as long as you can. It’s just human nature—we don't like undermining ourselves or apologizing for setting boundaries, because you know people need to respect your choices... if you aren't feeling it, you draw the line, and most people will respect that. Sure, some folks will keep pushing you because they don't recognize your limits, or maybe they just love being difficult... but that's on them.

Trust me, it's simple—you just have to make the call to be brave... there's nothing wrong with just being who you are. Other people are going to be who they are, too, so you might as well just accept them for that. Usually, you end up judging yourself before you even give anyone else a chance to hear you out, mostly because criticism stings so much... You won't say something stupid because that's just not your style—you overanalyze your own actions way too much, which is why you tend to pull back. But look, you aren't going to find true confidence until you actually learn how to speak up and present yourself to the world...😉

I really only have one piece of advice to offer here—don't ever let anyone else take the wheel of your life. Live it exactly how you see fit! Now, don't get me wrong, respecting what other people think is a wonderful trait to have, but that absolutely doesn't mean you should be living by their rules. At the end of the day, it’s your call—your failures, your triumphs, all of it belongs to you!

As for getting into confrontations, I can be a bit of that way myself sometimes. However, my biggest fear is actually losing control in the heat of the moment—worrying that I might actually hurt someone during an argument. Or, heaven forbid, that someone might come at me... Honestly, if you can avoid the conflict altogether, just do it, believe me...

To be brutally honest—and I mean this in the most straightforward way possible—you’re just a coward at heart, and nothing is going to change that. You could master three different martial arts and pack on twenty pounds of muscle, but the second a real confrontation hits, you’ll still just be that same scared little kid inside. The only thing that would actually change you is some massive, life-altering trauma—the kind of rage that snaps something deep inside you. But since that would make your life a living hell, honestly? Be glad you’re relatively "normal." A guy who chooses to throw down just to save face—risking jail time and missing his kid growing up—is a coward. To some people, that's no big deal; to others, it’s everything. If you think being a man is all about fighting rather than standing your ground and living by your principles, then you’re even more of a coward—especially if you think characters like those thugs from *South Central* are role models for masculinity. Protecting your own, regardless of the fallout? That’s what matters. Everything else is just child's play.
The only time I feel the urge to settle things physically is when I’m feeling weak or dissatisfied with myself. When I’m actually feeling strong and capable, I just feel superior to the whole situation—and frankly, that’s a much better way to live.

Paul Thompson3 said:To be brutally honest—and I mean this in the most straightforward way possible—you’re just a coward at heart, and nothing is going to change that. You could master three different martial arts and pack on twenty pounds of muscle, but the second a real confrontation hits, you’ll still just be that same scared little kid inside. The only thing that would actually change you is some massive, life-altering trauma—the kind of rage that snaps something deep inside you. But since that would make your life a living hell, honestly? Be glad you’re relatively "normal." A guy who chooses to throw down just to save face—risking jail time and missing his kid growing up—is a coward. To some people, that's no big deal; to others, it’s everything. If you think being a man is all about fighting rather than standing your ground and living by your principles, then you’re even more of a coward—especially if you think characters like those thugs from *South Central* are role models for masculinity. Protecting your own, regardless of the fallout? That’s what matters. Everything else is just child's play.
The only time I feel the urge to settle things physically is when I’m feeling weak or dissatisfied with myself. When I’m actually feeling strong and capable, I just feel superior to the whole situation—and frankly, that’s a much better way to live.

I am putting my digital signature on this one, man. I wanted to write the exact same thing to him, but unfortunately, it slipped my mind! 🙂 .

... and honestly, no one else will ever truly grasp what you’ve endured... not even your own children, perhaps, but YOU will know the truth of it 👍

That internal realization—that sense of self—is something only those with actual experience and a bit of common sense will recognize in you. As for the rest? Well, if I’m being perfectly candid to hell with them 👍. At the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is that you can live with yourself. :mig

In my own life, I’ve certainly lived through eras where "being kind matters more than being right" was the guiding principle. My respect goes out to the people who keep pushing forward without compromising their integrity; I sincerely hope we never lose that specific breed of person who refuses to let standards slip 🙏
.
Respect!

Steven Richardson46 said:Hey everyone, I noticed there are one or two similar threads floating around, but every conversation tells its own story, right?

Looking at the numbers here, we’ve got over 42 million posts and about 500k members—though I’d say at least half of you are actually active. And naturally, within that active crowd, you’re going to find everything: regular folks, therapists, doctors, criminals, good people, bad people, those struggling, people in recovery, scammers, you name it. That’s why I figure this is actually a solid place to go looking for some real advice...

So, let me just cut straight to the chase. My parents really coddled me growing up, but I was also constantly getting picked on or provoked by other kids. Because of that, I never really learned how to make my own decisions or stand my ground... To be honest, I almost never hit anyone back, even when I was just trying to defend myself.

Even now, I still carry this lingering anxiety. It makes me terrified of confrontation, regardless of whether the person is in the wrong or if they're bigger or smaller than me...
It’s like my soul is craving a fight, but I just can’t find the guts to step up.
My self-esteem is still pretty low, though it’s definitely better than it used to be.
Other areas of my life have improved significantly too, and I can handle things now that used to be impossible, but I really want to tap into that full sense of masculinity within me..

And look, I’m not trying to be some "alpha male" wannabe or anything like that; I just want to be able to react defensively when it’s necessary, plain and simple.

Honestly, I think 80% to 95% of men lack any real backbone, and so far, I'm right there with them.
Most guys just don't want to admit it publicly.

The truth is, we’re all basically at the mercy of our parents when we're kids; we listen to them and assume they’ve always got it right, which ends up building the core beliefs that shape our entire lives. That’s why any real psychoanalysis has to start right there in childhood.

Eventually, life tends to prove us wrong, and we start realizing that some of that parental advice was totally off the mark or just didn't fit the situation. But those "wrong" patterns get rooted so deep inside us that fighting them requires pure willpower.

You've pinpointed the issue—being a bit spoiled, but also struggling to react properly when people push your buttons. Now, most parents or teachers will tell you the solution is just to ignore the bullies, but ignoring provocation isn't a magic fix. You've realized on your own that you need to deflect those jabs, you're just stuck on the "how."

Since you never actually did it before—because someone else was always stepping in to defend you or you were just playing it safe—it feels like an impossible task. But honestly? It’s not! Trust me, standing your ground and brushing someone off is actually pretty easy😁, you just have to let go of that irrational fear you've built up in your own head. Just start with the little things.

A lot of times, people aren't actually trying to be malicious; they're just poorly raised, and because you're a polite guy, their behavior feels like a direct insult or a provocation. Not everyone grew up with manners, and not everyone is cultured or educated; some folks genuinely don't know how to say please or thank you, and being rude or mocking others is just their default mode. You have to accept them for who they are (especially if you have to deal with them at work), but you absolutely have to protect yourself and refuse to let anyone disrespect you or make you feel bad. Don't let that happen.

Paul Thompson3 said:To be brutally honest—and I mean this in the most straightforward way possible—you’re just a coward at heart, and nothing is going to change that. You could master three different martial arts and pack on twenty pounds of muscle, but the second a real confrontation hits, you’ll still just be that same scared little kid inside. The only thing that would actually change you is some massive, life-altering trauma—the kind of rage that snaps something deep inside you. But since that would make your life a living hell, honestly? Be glad you’re relatively "normal." A guy who chooses to throw down just to save face—risking jail time and missing his kid growing up—is a coward. To some people, that's no big deal; to others, it’s everything. If you think being a man is all about fighting rather than standing your ground and living by your principles, then you’re even more of a coward—especially if you think characters like those thugs from *South Central* are role models for masculinity. Protecting your own, regardless of the fallout? That’s what matters. Everything else is just child's play.
The only time I feel the urge to settle things physically is when I’m feeling weak or dissatisfied with myself. When I’m actually feeling strong and capable, I just feel superior to the whole situation—and frankly, that’s a much better way to live.

You have much deeper issues than the person who started this thread.

Regarding that fear of getting into a fight, or that freezing up when the adrenaline fails to kick in—when there's no "fight or flight" response and you just shut down—that’s simply weakness taking over. You end up three times more vulnerable than you actually are. You fix that by joining a boxing gym, a karate dojo, or an Aikido club. With a little "professional guidance," you can actually build some real confidence.

The goal isn't to become some street thug; it's to stop that paralyzing fear from seizing you when things get dangerous.
In a gym, you’ll take hits—some controlled, some not—but you’ll develop confidence because you’ll feel comfortable within those "controlled" environments.

That’s where you learn that 90% of problems can be solved just by having the right posture and presence.

Besides, you’re clearly struggling with a massive ego because you’re terrified of the humiliation of getting hit a few times.
That’s coming from an experienced martial artist who dealt with the exact same thing until he was sixteen or seventeen. I can't even remember the last time I got into a real scrap "out in the wild," but I see these idiots all the time on the road—since I spend a lot of time driving—who jump out of their cars to try and lecture me with force.

Believe me, they usually scramble back into their cars pretty quickly without anyone needing to land a single punch. :klap:

Some people build confidence through hard work, some are just born with it, and then there are the types who snort coke just to feel brave, only to have the adrenaline hit them in the wrong place instead of giving them actual courage.

Nicole Morgan5 said:You have much deeper issues than the person who started this thread.

Regarding that fear of getting into a fight, or that freezing up when the adrenaline fails to kick in—when there's no "fight or flight" response and you just shut down—that’s simply weakness taking over. You end up three times more vulnerable than you actually are. You fix that by joining a boxing gym, a karate dojo, or an Aikido club. With a little "professional guidance," you can actually build some real confidence.

The goal isn't to become some street thug; it's to stop that paralyzing fear from seizing you when things get dangerous.
In a gym, you’ll take hits—some controlled, some not—but you’ll develop confidence because you’ll feel comfortable within those "controlled" environments.

That’s where you learn that 90% of problems can be solved just by having the right posture and presence.

Besides, you’re clearly struggling with a massive ego because you’re terrified of the humiliation of getting hit a few times.
That’s coming from an experienced martial artist who dealt with the exact same thing until he was sixteen or seventeen. I can't even remember the last time I got into a real scrap "out in the wild," but I see these idiots all the time on the road—since I spend a lot of time driving—who jump out of their cars to try and lecture me with force.

Believe me, they usually scramble back into their cars pretty quickly without anyone needing to land a single punch. 👏

Some people build confidence through hard work, some are just born with it, and then there are the types who snort coke just to feel brave, only to have the adrenaline hit them in the wrong place instead of giving them actual courage.

It seems everyone tends to view their own struggles as the absolute center of the universe.🙂

Self-confidence... I suppose they just get a sudden rush of adrenaline where it counts most, rather than in the brain.

Though, I suppose a certain physical presence can occasionally overshadow even the most significant of problems.😬

Maybe pick up a peaceful martial art—something like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu or maybe Tai Chi—or find a sport that forces you to hold your ground and push back. Just be careful you don't accidentally wake the beast inside, because you never really know what’s lurking in the shadows once it's out. 😲

wiredangler71 said:Maybe pick up a peaceful martial art—something like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu or maybe Tai Chi—or find a sport that forces you to hold your ground and push back. Just be careful you don't accidentally wake the beast inside, because you never really know what’s lurking in the shadows once it's out. 😲

He'll learn how to keep that "beast" under control during training, won't he? 😒

Nicole Morgan5 said:He'll learn how to keep that "beast" under control during training, won't he? 😒

..just watch out for the dark side. 🧐

This is an excellent subject. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal for boys growing up in American society through elementary and high school to engage in some physical scrap—you know, those friendly little scuffles. It’s part of the process of breaking down that innate fear of confrontation as you mature. Conflict is an inescapable part of life; the only difference is that over the years, active aggression tends to evolve into something more passive. However, if you want to talk about true strength—the kind that actually allows you to navigate disagreements—it comes from standing your ground based on your own experiences, intelligence, and core values. You could also probably help yourself quite a bit by picking up a couple of books on effective communication.

Enough... thanks for the input 😉

Steven Richardson46 said:Hey everyone, I noticed there are one or two similar threads floating around, but every conversation tells its own story, right?

Looking at the numbers here, we’ve got over 42 million posts and about 500k members—though I’d say at least half of you are actually active. And naturally, within that active crowd, you’re going to find everything: regular folks, therapists, doctors, criminals, good people, bad people, those struggling, people in recovery, scammers, you name it. That’s why I figure this is actually a solid place to go looking for some real advice...

So, let me just cut straight to the chase. My parents really coddled me growing up, but I was also constantly getting picked on or provoked by other kids. Because of that, I never really learned how to make my own decisions or stand my ground... To be honest, I almost never hit anyone back, even when I was just trying to defend myself.

Even now, I still carry this lingering anxiety. It makes me terrified of confrontation, regardless of whether the person is in the wrong or if they're bigger or smaller than me...
It’s like my soul is craving a fight, but I just can’t find the guts to step up.
My self-esteem is still pretty low, though it’s definitely better than it used to be.
Other areas of my life have improved significantly too, and I can handle things now that used to be impossible, but I really want to tap into that full sense of masculinity within me..

And look, I’m not trying to be some "alpha male" wannabe or anything like that; I just want to be able to react defensively when it’s necessary, plain and simple.

Honestly, I think 80% to 95% of men lack any real backbone, and so far, I'm right there with them.
Most guys just don't want to admit it publicly.

Not necessarily... the public ends up doing the admitting for them.☕

The corrupt officials mess with their heads... predators exploit the kids... politicians sell off the next generation... organized crime runs rampant... spouses drive them insane... even "friends" just mock one another behind their backs.🙂

I mean, hello?!.. 🙄

If I were in your shoes, I’d actually consider myself lucky to have the capacity to distance myself from that mindset and maintain some semblance of a critical perspective toward it—and, quite frankly, toward my own role within it. It’s a heavy thing, I suppose. We didn't exactly get a vote on where we were going to be born.😵

Nicole Morgan5 said:You have much deeper issues than the person who started this thread.

Regarding that fear of getting into a fight, or that freezing up when the adrenaline fails to kick in—when there's no "fight or flight" response and you just shut down—that’s simply weakness taking over. You end up three times more vulnerable than you actually are. You fix that by joining a boxing gym, a karate dojo, or an Aikido club. With a little "professional guidance," you can actually build some real confidence.

The goal isn't to become some street thug; it's to stop that paralyzing fear from seizing you when things get dangerous.
In a gym, you’ll take hits—some controlled, some not—but you’ll develop confidence because you’ll feel comfortable within those "controlled" environments.

That’s where you learn that 90% of problems can be solved just by having the right posture and presence.

Besides, you’re clearly struggling with a massive ego because you’re terrified of the humiliation of getting hit a few times.
That’s coming from an experienced martial artist who dealt with the exact same thing until he was sixteen or seventeen. I can't even remember the last time I got into a real scrap "out in the wild," but I see these idiots all the time on the road—since I spend a lot of time driving—who jump out of their cars to try and lecture me with force.

Believe me, they usually scramble back into their cars pretty quickly without anyone needing to land a single punch. :klap:

Some people build confidence through hard work, some are just born with it, and then there are the types who snort coke just to feel brave, only to have the adrenaline hit them in the wrong place instead of giving them actual courage.

Go ahead, point out my "problem"—I have plenty, so I might as well know which one to tackle first. Karate is a joke, and I highly doubt anyone is intimidated by your "karate psychology" unless you're talking about a gun tucked under the seat. As far as I know, the only type of guy who jumps out of a car to pick a fight is someone who's either lost his mind or realized he's facing much greater physical force or a weapon. Good luck to you "beast tamers," I could use those skills... The idea that hitting a fool doesn't humiliate him and make him want to retaliate is total nonsense. "It's an ego thing"... hahaha.

The first battle you have to fight is with yourself—and I don’t mean anything aggressive or destructive, but rather a sort of internal competition.
Start by conquering one of those smaller, nagging fears of yours; once you've managed that, you can move on to the bigger stuff.
🤔

To the OP:

You looking for a fight? How old are you, and what kind of world are you living in where people are still trying to scrap with you?

I dealt with some bullying back in grade school, though it pretty much stopped once I hit high school. Now, I’m actually on good terms with some of those former bullies. Once people move past twenty, things tend to get a lot more serious. So, I'm genuinely curious—how old are you if you're still dealing with this stuff?

Regarding the fighting part: have you ever actually seen a real fight and what the consequences are? Go on YouTube, search "street fight," and watch those psychos out there. There are guys who will kill you with a single punch to the head, or they won't even stop after you're knocked out—they'll just keep stomping until you're dead. Is that really how you want your story to end?

Look, if you aren't built for it, stay away from fights. Instead, work on an intimidating presence and a bit of arrogance. I’m physically strong, but I don't know how to fight, period. I just don't have that rage or the agility for it. But when I walk into a club, for instance, I carry myself with this certain level of confidence and edge. It works; if someone accidentally bumps into me, they’re usually the ones apologizing immediately. Just build up your aura.

As for verbal confrontations, that's something you can actually practice. Shoot me a DM if you want some specific advice.

Plovix, props to you for being so upfront and starting this thread the way you did👍, I see you haven't popped back in, but if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I guess I just ask because I've been in plenty of spots where I wanted to reach out to people on forums for advice. It honestly sucks when people start trolling or acting stupid when someone is just trying to deal with a real issue. Usually, when someone starts a thread, they’re looking for a way to fix something or just want to vent to someone who gets it, especially if they find someone else dealing with the same thing