Posts by Carol Thomas85

redcanyon93 said:I think that was beautifully put, and I have definitely realized that I shouldn't take things quite so heavily. While you are with someone—well, you are, but whether you will be tomorrow? Neither you nor they know... there is no telling what life will throw at you... not even when you are married, let alone in an informal relationship....

However, let's say one thing I don't have to obsess over when I am single is money. I spend what I have, or what I don't have, on whatever I want or don't want. But once you are with someone, you always find yourself having to account for that other person, even if they earn their own living and have their own funds.... perhaps I don't feel like spending a weekend at a vineyard out in Napa... but he, for some reason, absolutely insists on going... or maybe I don't want to buy a new car... but he firmly believes I need one, whereas, honestly, my old clunker works just fine for me... yet I sense he thinks I *should* or *deserve* to have a new car, so why wouldn't I just buy it if I could? Except, I would much rather spend that money on books or tuck it away in savings because I simply cannot function without my emergency fund....

Maybe that is a silly example, but for me, it is all incredibly stressful. When I am solo, I drive my old car and I don't have to justify myself to anyone. If acquaintances or friends happen to mention it, I can easily brush them off, because I truly don't care what they think about it. But if a partner is constantly nagging me about it, then I start to feel terrible. Because I get this impression that they don't fully accept me because of something as trivial as an old car.

And there are a million examples like that. Everything from what people eat, to how they work, sleep, or dress.... I probably do the same to partners, commenting on every little thing, but clearly, other people don't perceive these things as dramatically as I do..

Look, what you're talking about right here? That's just the basics—compatibility, mutual respect, actually accepting each other... you shouldn't be with anyone who makes you feel uneasy like that, or tries to force your hand, or pressures you, or tries to talk you into something you just don't want to do. You are totally right when you say it's a lack of respect toward you. For me, those types of guys fly completely under my radar; I don't even realize they exist... but it's true, you get back what you put in... maybe those guys were that way because you were too... work on yourself and your next experiences will be totally different from what you've had before...

redcanyon93 said:This is beautifully put. Personally, I think I've come to realize that I value my own emotional peace far more than I value the stress that comes with dating... I mean, maybe there are some "stable" couples out there that I simply haven't encountered yet, but I highly doubt it... To me, maintaining a relationship feels like nothing but HARD WORK for very little reward 🙂
It's like spending all day digging ditches in the middle of a dusty Texas summer for pennies; by the end of it, you find yourself wishing you had never stepped foot in the trench at all...

You definitely need to tackle that insecurity you mentioned in your opening post, though. But hey, staying single doesn't mean you aren't insecure; that's just sweeping everything under the rug! Work on yourself first, then test those waters in a relationship... if you're truly confident, you'll feel that way whether you're flying solo or paired up... Being afraid of yourself and your own feelings is just a defense mechanism, and sure, it might help occasionally, but living in fear isn't really living—it's just waiting for life to pass you by...

A "stable" relationship would imply everything stays frozen and static, but nature is all about flow and change! Think of a relationship like a game. As long as you share interests and play together with the same level of enthusiasm, the game keeps going... but once one person loses interest, or wants to play a different game, or wants to play with someone else, you fight over the toys, and then it's time to stop playing! When the game turns into "HARD WORK, a small pay" like you said, you walk away! Just don't stop playing altogether!!!!

The whole point is not taking life too seriously, because honestly, there's no proof that life is actually a serious business... Practice letting go and remember that this too shall pass, whatever it is, good or bad, because it all comes down to how you perceive it...

Looking back at everything I've been through—and man, I've definitely crashed and burned hard sometimes—I wouldn't trade those experiences for nothingness. No way!

From Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

driftingmaker said:It sounds like you might be struggling with self-esteem or negative thoughts, so you're choosing the path of least resistance.

Once you build yourself up enough to be steady and fulfilled—so that you're content even when a partner isn't around, provided they are positive enough that you don't spiral when they leave your side—then being in a relationship will feel great too.

It's like deciding not to buy ice cream because you're afraid one drip might ruin your shirt. You just watch everyone else enjoy it so you can stay perfectly clean.

At the end of the day, it's about what you choose to make of yourself and your life; it doesn't matter what everyone else considers "normal."

Personally, I think that mindset is a bit cowardly.

Hmm, well, isn't it also kind of cowardly to cling to someone just because you're scared of being alone? It's really just two sides of the same coin...

In my book, you have to distinguish between "being alone" and "feeling lonely." I’d much rather be by myself and feel totally fine than be stuck in bad company... so either way, I'm not lonely! Loneliness doesn't drive me, and it definitely doesn't hold me back...

There’s definitely some truth to the idea that relationships can get messy—they can stir up all kinds of internal chaos depending on who you are... but there's also this truth that being alone offers this crystal-clear picture of yourself and a real sense of emotional stability...

But man, that magic of sharing the beautiful moments with someone else? That is absolutely priceless...
Building something together, growing together, just enjoying life as a duo—that is pure magic! Nobody should ever give that up! Just, you know, don't lose yourself in the process when you're with someone else...

The key is just being okay with whatever you choose, whether it's solo time or partner time... just always pick what's best for YOU. If you want to be with someone, go all in! Give it 100%, let go, and enjoy the ride—don't live in fear. And if you want to be on your own, then love that and soak it up too...

Ugh, now I'm actually craving a little bit of that magic myself just to sweeten things up! 😁