3 posts shown.
goldenpanther44 said:And honestly, that’s exactly where the issue lies—you rely far too heavily on pure logic and analytical reasoning. But then again, isn't that exactly what they drill into us at college? We get so conditioned by it that instead of actually living our lives, we just sit there analyzing them. It's like logical education either leaves us totally stunted in real life or hands us a degree that's basically useless in today's economy.
That loose sense of identity you mentioned? It points toward borderline personality disorder, but let's be real—isn't that just another label invented within the confines of "logical" thinking anyway? Real life—our private, inner lives—is more akin to poetry than logic. Yet, modern psychology insists on denying the diversity of personality by trying to shove everyone into neat little boxes.
If you take up writing and lean even harder into that intense imagination and overthinking, you might just spiral further into some kind of neurosis. Look, I’m just trying to help here, but I’m only human, and I could very well be wrong.
Basically, you think it boils down to being a picky eater?
I honestly think this is just the sickness of the Western world. Work, type, hit your responsibilities, sleep. Repeat.
Even in Sweden, which is supposed to be one of the happiest nations out there, it’s the exact same story. They spend most of the year living like that, just counting down the days until their summer or winter vacations, traveling, and then living off those memories for the rest of the year.
- And they have a reputation for being wild when it comes to hookups and casual sex. You go out, find someone, and it's over by next weekend. But if you read their forums, you wouldn't think that's the case at all. They also deal with that "good boy/girl" syndrome—you know, the person who doesn't hook up and is basically just as boring as the guy who does. They probably struggle with different issues than we do—maybe financially—but socially, we're dealing with the same stuff. Plus, they seem way more detached, which just makes their loneliness even worse.
- My day looks exactly like the one described above: wake up at 6, get home at 6, cook, grocery shop, clean up, TV, and sleep. Even if there were time to hang out (assuming you skip your responsibilities), the people you'd hang out with would have to skip theirs too. There's no such thing as "hey, let's grab coffee spontaneously." Everything has to be scheduled days or weeks in advance. Around here, the only ones doing that are certain immigrant groups living on welfare. They spend all day on the street, ranting about how Sweden stinks and dreaming up new ways to commit crimes, while the people who actually have no free time are the ones paying their bills and giving them pocket money. I'm not a racist, but it's hard not to feel a certain aversion toward people who have been here for five years or more and haven't even tried to integrate, learn the language, or get a job. Of course, not everyone is like that, but that's often the pattern from that part of the world. 🤷
- I’ve been reading up on PTSD, but honestly, I don’t see myself in it. I think I can rule that out. Thank God I didn't lose anyone during the war; everyone made it through, (psychologically speaking, maybe not) but we’re alive and we’ve rebuilt everything we lost. What I feel like I actually lost was my childhood. I’ve already analyzed that—why sometimes I still act like a kid, needing that playful energy or looking for protection and comfort. It’s like I grew up being totally detached from my parents, stuck in this "I can do everything myself" mindset, but then the second things go sideways, I run straight back to them, while simultaneously blaming them for my own choices.
- Regarding the stuff about self-confidence and my parents: they were strict, sure, but they raised me right. They pushed me to be a good student, to handle things independently, and to find logical solutions. Maybe it was "tough love" at times, but the intention was good. There were periods where I absolutely hated them because I wasn't allowed to do anything and they restricted me constantly (which, let's face it, every teenager thinks), but looking back now, I’m grateful they didn't let me spend my weekends acting like a total wreck at clubs and drinking all night. Not that I missed out entirely, though; I moved abroad when I was 19 and made up for it all during my college years. Plus, I had the drive to work while studying, finance myself, and stay on track to graduate on time. Which just goes to show that I still have some restraint—I know when to pull back instead of acting like a loose cannon. They never disrespected or belittled me, but they always had this attitude: "Don't aim too high, don't fly too close to the sun, or you'll crack your head open." Don't get ahead of yourself. Life will teach you how to stay humble. This mostly came up when I'd get these bursts of excitement and want to change the world, fight injustices, or swim against the tide. They'd basically tell me I couldn't change anything. Which, as it turns out, was pretty accurate; whenever I tried to stand up for someone being stepped on or treated unfairly, those idiots would actually side with the aggressors if I intervened. They won't even help themselves; they just go with whatever power is strongest. Maybe all those little phrases meant to ground me are why I’m not as enthusiastic or ambitious as I could be, or at least why I keep my goals within the realm of what's realistic.
I don’t even know where to start since there’s a lot to unpack, so I’ll kick things off by giving you a quick rundown of how people usually see me:
- Intense. Overly emotional. I snap easily, but once I shut down, it's game over—by then, too much has been said and the damage is already done. In the past, it used to involve throwing stuff, slamming doors, or even getting into physical fights...
- Socially, I function fine when it comes to everyday life—work, money, studying, all that. The issue is that I spend more than half my day living in some other world. Inside my head, I’m having these massive imaginary conversations with people I know or work with. I endlessly analyze what I said, what I *should* have said, how our next talk might go, etc. I’m lucky enough to be able to indulge in this daydreaming or dissociation now, but I used to have serious problems at work because I just couldn't focus. Now I have a different job where I can't really afford to screw things up...
- This daydreaming eventually bleeds into my love life. Or rather, my non-existent love life. In my head, I’m always in a relationship with someone. I imagine how the relationship flows, what we do, what movies we watch, what we talk about... In reality, it’s just someone I’ve seen maybe once or twice, exchanged a few sentences with, and based on that, I’ve projected a million scenarios. Honestly, I could probably be a novelist given how vivid my imagination is...
- That leads to me consciously or unconsciously cramming people into these fantasies who, if I had a healthy brain, would never be my type. For example, my latest obsession is a guy who survived a brain tumor. One side of his body doesn't work at all, he takes about 20 pills a day, can't concentrate on anything, but he's incredibly kind and was actually damn good-looking before the surgery. That’s basically everything I know about him. However, in my head, the movie plays out where he’s semi-functional, we have a totally normal connection—emotionally and intellectually—and I help him out with his daily routine and stuff. I have zero clue if the guy is even capable of being emotionally or physically present, and I’m definitely not going to ask (in real life), but in my fantasy, I’ve already lived through 20 years of a relationship. I'm just waiting for this phase to pass because it's been keeping me awake for nearly a month now. Usually, I cycle through these people pretty fast... I think it's because I visit this guy occasionally for work, so I know a bit about his life and habits.
- The physical symptoms of this fantasy are exactly the same as being in love. On top of the constant thinking about him, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, I get nervous around him, I stutter, I fuss over my clothes, and I try to act charming with jokes (all of this is happening in real life right now)
- On the flip side, I know logically that he isn't someone I would ever actually choose as a partner. I wouldn't even buy a dog, even though I want one so bad, just because I’d have to wake up thirty minutes earlier to walk it before work—which just shows I am absolutely not ready to sacrifice any of my comfort, even though I manage to survive that in other areas of my life.
- Change kills me. I hate it when my schedule shifts, when I get new coworkers, or when my sleep pattern changes. Everything bothers me. I hear everything, I see everything, and I know perfectly well that I don't want to "sacrifice myself for someone," even though I end up doing that plenty of times in real life. I just tell myself that's how it has to be, and then I go ahead and do it...
- I lived through war when I was 9. It was horrific, and I remember a lot of it, but the thing I notice most is the lasting anxiety. I have a million fears. Loud noises make me jump like crazy... or when something approaches me from behind, I feel it from three feet away and twitch or spin around like I'm about to be attacked or grabbed...
- Sometimes I feel like there are two completely opposite people living inside me, and I'm aware of both. I do things that aren't like me at all—I undersell myself, my knowledge, my skills, my looks. I give way too much importance to what others think, even though when I step back and look at it, those people aren't any better or worse than I am. I guess it's just low self-esteem... I don't even know where that comes from, since nobody has ever really insulted me; in school and at work, I was always praised.
I moved to a new country about a year ago, and honestly, I barely know anyone. I have maybe two or three people in my life, but we aren't exactly "best friend" level—you know, the kind of people you grab drinks with or hang out with all night. It's more just coworkers or casual friends you grab coffee with in the afternoon. Language-wise, I'm basically a beginner. I can get by enough to function in social settings, but that’s about it. I can handle most daily tasks on my own, but at the same time, there are so many moments where I don't understand a word of what's being said. Or worse, I go totally brain-dead because I need to say something, but my vocabulary is so pathetic that I just freeze up. It kills me. I start spiraling, thinking, "God, why am I so stupid? Why haven't I learned more after a whole year?" I end up beating myself up, wondering why I'm wasting time scrolling through forums instead of actually studying, and why I keep hitting these mental blocks over everyday words. Right now, I'm reading an American forum, and I can follow the topics perfectly fine—I get the meaning without any issues. But the second I try to put together a sentence myself? Total failure. It’s like my brain is actively fighting against me, refusing to let me say anything longer than a four-word sentence. Everything I say sounds so dumb to me, and I'm constantly overthinking my grammar and pronunciation. I'm still stuck in that phase where I think in my native language and just try to translate it word-for-word into English, which obviously isn't working at all.
There’s a ton of stuff, I can't think of everything right now—but basically, most people say I'm easy to talk to (though if you actually know me, I'm a total nightmare). I'm generous, I smile a lot, and I like having fun. But underneath all that? I'm honestly just terrified. I'm constantly scared of being judged, or how people will react, or getting laughed at. I seriously can't wrap my head around why I am the way I am, but it keeps happening in pretty much every part of my life.
Regarding my relationship status—I haven't been with anyone for six years now. Not just single, but completely celibate. My last relationship ended in such a horrific way that I was basically a shell of a person. I couldn't function socially at all. For a month straight, it was nothing but sobbing, crying, refusing to eat, and being unable to even get out of bed. I had fits of rage, and honestly, there were moments where I even thought about taking a handful of pills just to end it. Looking back on it now, I realize it just had to end that way; it wouldn't have worked regardless. And deep down, the actual reason for the breakup wasn't even big enough to justify how absolutely destroyed I was by it... I could have just accepted it, told myself life goes on, and moved forward, but back then? It felt like the end of the world. Nowadays, I barely even remember that guy or the relationship. I moved past the trauma a long time ago, but the fallout has left me totally stuck when it comes to opening up to new people. I don't give anyone a second chance anymore. I don't make the first move, I don't go out, and I don't really have a social circle for that kind of stuff anymore—whether it's back home in the States where everyone is so judgmental and buttoned-up, or here where I don't know a soul.
On the flip side, I have this massive craving for a real relationship—you know, the whole love, commitment, compromise thing. All the beautiful parts and the messy ones too. It’s a total contradiction to what I wrote above, and I get that, but honestly? I just don't have the guts to actually go for it. Instead, I choose to just live in my head, daydreaming about a different world where all that stuff actually happens. The worst part is that it actually makes me happy. I’ll be walking down the street, grinning like an idiot, sometimes even muttering bits of dialogue out loud to myself. So far, though, I don't think people have started labeling me as a psycho just yet.
I don't have any way to actually get to a doctor right now, and honestly, I couldn't afford one even if I could—not to mention the language barrier. So, I’m basically putting myself in the hands of the "medical experts" on this forum. Tell me straight: have I completely lost my mind, or am I just losing it after six years of being stuck in bed?
Look, my sense of humor isn't some cheap, low-brow stuff. I’m talking high-level wit—the kind where you catch a clever linguistic play or a sharp observation right on the fly. It’s about being quick and smart, not just dropping stupid jokes.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and for all the comments.
If anyone tries to claim that the stress of moving to a new place or whatever was the cause, they haven't actually looked into it. I’ve done my own analysis on this, and honestly, it started way before that. I can't pin down the exact moment, but it was clearly triggered by something else entirely.
Sometimes I play it cool and act like I'm totally fine in a crowd, just one of the regular folks. But then there are huge chunks of time where I feel like I can't even hold a candle to everyone else—like I'm lacking their brains, their guts, or just that ability to hustle. It’s a trip, though, because I spend so much energy projecting this version of myself that I honestly don't even know which one is the real me anymore.
Look, when it comes to how I look, I know I’m attractive. Honestly, if I wanted to, I could just pick some guy up, hook up, and call it a day to shut everyone up about this nonsense—but that’s just not me. I get that sex comes with risks, both physical and mental, and if I don't actually know someone, I'm just not into the whole one-night stand thing. But honestly, I feel the same way about relationships lately. Ever since my last breakup, I haven't really thought about it much, but maybe it's just because you don't think the same way at 30 that you did at 20. You become more conscious of what you want and way more selective about who you let into your life.
- I’m not even trying to find a guy on here, because honestly, if you can't communicate in your native language, you're never actually going to get to know someone... it just doesn't work. There are plenty of people from back home around here too, but lately, I’ve developed this total aversion to that specific mindset. I think I'm definitely going to skip over that entire way of thinking in the future. For example, with these recent floods—at first, I felt terrible for everyone and was following all the news closely, but then reality hit me. It’s infuriating how people turn out to be nothing but bottom-of-the-barrel thieves and scammers during disasters like this. Like, what kind of person looks at something that's been completely destroyed and thinks, "Hey, let me go steal some stuff"? I'm gonna stop typing now because just thinking about how things are handled back home makes me lose my cool. It probably happens everywhere in the world, but since I actually know how it goes there, it hits closer to home.