4 posts shown.
What did I learn? Absolutely nothing... unless you count lying to myself. lol. I don't even need that crap.
I knew all this before—which actually makes it worse. There’s a massive difference between making a mistake because you're clueless and making one when you know damn well it's wrong...
I see two ways this plays out. Either he’s actually honest and admits he screwed up—like, real heartfelt, "let's just call it quits" kind of honesty—or it's everything else, where I just get up, walk out, and erase him from my life. Does any of this even make sense??? I'm spiraling because I don't trust my own judgment... honestly, I'm just pissed at myself for not walking away when the red flags first started popping up.
Who's at fault? Honestly, both. It's just action and reaction—I don't even know anymore.
What really eats at me is this feeling that nothing ever changes. Despite everything, I still have this desperate urge to be back in his arms. Would I end up hating myself if I went back? How do you even forgive yourself for that?
I can't just move on to someone else like it's nothing.
I'm addicted... but to what? It's gotten to the point where I can't tell right from wrong... I don't know if I actually need him or if I should just let it go.
It’s hard to believe that I can't even face him because I'm terrified of myself, though maybe facing it is exactly what I need to finally close this chapter. But no, I went ahead and blocked him everywhere. Still, I'm so curious... what is he even thinking???
I've lost who I am—I don't even remember when it happened. People love to say time heals all wounds, but they're wrong. How do you even break out of a cycle like this???
What actually drives a person into total self-delusion? Like, what messes with your head so much that you don't even recognize yourself anymore?
I'm just sitting here, totally stunned. What is wrong with me???
He cheated on me—and I knew. I knew everything, yet I still sat there swallowing every single lie he fed me, especially the ones I was feeding myself... if the truth had actually come out, it would have been over, but I just wasn't ready to let go.
It felt like it was slipping through my fingers... like trying to grab a fish that just slides away, and after you've fought, fallen, and refused to quit, you just end up standing there like an idiot wondering what the hell you were even doing.
I played his game perfectly. I’d leave and come back whenever he wanted, and if I ever tried to pull away too far, he always found a way to reel me back in. We kept going like that until I finally snapped and walked out without saying a word. Honestly, I don't think he's even sure why I left—though it feels like that might have been exactly what he wanted all along.
But wait, it gets worse. Even more than a year later, I know I’d jump right back in with him if I knew he actually wanted me. Am I insane???
That's why I don't reach out... and I pray to God I don't run into him somewhere. I have no clue what he wants. Maybe an explanation, maybe just to clear his conscience, who knows... but it would absolutely break me. Just thinking about him being with her makes my chest tighten.
What is wrong with me? I've never been this person, and right now, I can't tell if I'm more pissed at myself or at him.
I don't see us living in some white-picket-fence dream house together, but for God's sake, how am I supposed to get past any of this???... the manipulation, the lies, the secrecy... I don't even know if it was physical, but it doesn't matter... the intent was obvious. His heart was somewhere else entirely.
And when he crosses my mind, I don't think about the mess—I think about the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, his touch, his kiss... and then I just get so mad at myself because I could never control how I felt when he was around. I'd be fuming in my head, but the second he showed up, I'd melt and everything would vanish... what on earth is he supposed to do to make me stay in my lane??? If anyone had told me I'd end up like this, I wouldn't have believed them...