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Lipedema and Liposuction: What are your experiences? in Health · May 4, 2023

silentpilot1 said:And honestly, even if they used some other technique, I wouldn’t dream of stepping foot in a doctor's office if they don't have years of specialized experience specifically dealing with lipedema.

I couldn't agree more. Surgeons over in Germany or Spain put everything online—surgical videos, before-and-after shots, patient testimonials—it’s all right there for you to see. They’re actually accessible if you have questions. Sure, the procedures can run upwards of $5,000 or more, but the quality of work they do is absolutely top-tier.

Lipedema and Liposuction: What are your experiences? in Health · Apr 10, 2023

Brenda Patel said:Could you let me know which clinic you reached out to for that? Thanks! 🙂

I didn't really get what you were getting at. The clinic is Lipoclinic with Dr. Heck, based in Germany.

Lipedema and Liposuction: What are your experiences? in Health · Mar 2, 2023

Sean Jones6 said:Hey there.

I recently found out that I’m dealing with lipedema, which is a condition involving disproportionate fat distribution that almost nobody in America even knows exists.

I’ve spent nearly twenty years trying to wrap my head around what on earth is happening to my body. It all started back when I was maybe fourteen or fifteen. Suddenly, my legs just ballooned out—they became these heavy, pillar-like things covered in cellulite from my thighs all the way down to my ankles—even though my upper body stayed thin as a rail.

Somewhere after high school, I went to see a few doctors who gave me the classic, half-baked advice to just eat less and work out more. Looking back, that was probably the biggest mistake of my life. It spiraled straight into years of struggling with anorexia—which, honestly, isn't surprising. Most people dealing with lipedema end up fighting eating disorders and depression, too. And the kicker? Despite all that restriction and effort, my legs didn't change one bit.

Back in my twenties, my biggest struggle was nothing but pure aesthetics. I was constantly self-conscious, to the point where I completely gave up on wearing skirts or shorts because I just couldn't stand looking at myself in them. To make matters worse, the people around me weren't exactly supportive either—I was always dealing with people making snide remarks and mocking me.

It only took me a few years, but I finally reached a point of clarity where I could actually accept the reality of my situation: I have absolutely zero control over the things that happen to me, and frankly, most of it isn't even my fault.

Look, this isn't just about how I look in a mirror. It’s much deeper than aesthetics. My legs swell up constantly, especially when it gets hot out, and I'm dealing with bruises all over the place. Honestly, the extra fat is painful. It feels like I’m wearing heavy weights around my ankles; lifting my legs has become an actual chore because of that constant, dragging heaviness. On top of that, like most people dealing with this, I have flat feet. That’s already caused issues with my lower back, and now the fat buildup around my knees is starting to mess with those joints too.

I’m standing 5'7" and weighing about 136 pounds, but my proportions are completely out of whack. My thighs measure 23 inches, my calves are 15.7, and then my ankles hit 9.8. It honestly feels like I'm working with two different bodies.

There isn’t a magic pill for lipedema. You can wear compression stockings and get lymphatic drainage treatments all you want to stop things from getting worse, but that won't change the reality of the situation: if you want that fat off your legs, liposuction is the only way to go.

I’m looking to chat with anyone who’s gone through liposuction. If you’ve done it, please reach out—I’d love to hear about your actual experience. Also, if you have any specific doctors you swear by, shoot me a private message with your recommendations. I want the real scoop.

For anyone out there actually looking to get some real answers about lipedema, I’ve dropped a link right here. Use it.

If you haven't spent any time digging through the Lipedema Foundation website yet, you’re missing out on some serious, heavy-hitting information. It’s a massive resource, honestly. I know how frustrating it can be when you feel like you're just spinning your wheels trying to find answers that actually make sense, but this site gets it. They aren't just throwing around vague medical jargon; they're providing actual clarity for people dealing with this stuff. I've always been a believer in doing your own homework before you go trusting every random influencer or half-baked blog post you find on social media. You need the facts from a source that actually understands the physiological reality of the condition. Whether you're looking for specific treatment options or just trying to find a community that won't look at you like you're crazy, this is the gold standard. It's organized, it's direct, and most importantly, it's reliable. Go check it out—it might just save you a lot of wasted time and frustration.

lonecyclist13 said:Hey there.
I just found out the exact same thing recently. 😏
What’s the situation looking like on your end? Have you actually done anything about it yet?
Who actually gave you that diagnosis?

Hey ladies. 🙂

I didn't actually find out I had lipedema until during the pandemic. I ended up reaching out to a specialized clinic outside of the States—over in Germany, specifically—that focuses entirely on treating the condition. After going through consultations with their specialists, they finally gave me the official diagnosis.

When it comes to doctors here in the States, I’ve noticed that general practitioners just don't seem to have a clue about lipedema. It’s frustrating. A few years back, my GP gave me this incredibly confused look when I showed her my blood work. Everything was perfectly within range—full blood counts, thyroid hormones, you name it—but at the same time, I was carrying an extra 15 pounds that just wouldn't budge. She couldn't wrap her head around how I could be overweight while having "ideal" stats, including my blood pressure and everything else. It's like if the numbers look good on paper, they refuse to believe there's an actual underlying issue.

When it comes to my body, the first place I noticed the lipedema was in my thighs. I could see them starting to swell back in elementary school, maybe around 4th grade. Toward the end of those middle school years, I started getting really serious about athletics—spending hours every single day at the gym, lifting weights, cycling, using the rowing machine, all that. After just a few months, every other girl who joined the club with me had developed muscle in her arms and legs; they looked like actual athletes, while absolutely nothing changed for me. Fast food wasn't even on our radar back then; most kids were eating pretty healthy, so you can't blame it on the diet.

By high school, I’d notice my jeans feeling tight by the end of the school day, almost as if my legs were expanding while I sat through class. Weight wasn't an issue—I was around 125 lbs, which is a totally normal BMI—but I was wearing a size 12 on bottom while wearing an 8 or 10 on top. Also, whenever I actually managed to lose weight, it only ever came off my upper body—chest, waist, etc.—while my legs stayed exactly the same.
When I was 26, I went through a phase where I was starving myself on 500 calories a day for a few months because I was just so fed up with my legs being perpetually thicker than my torso. Naturally, I only lost weight in my upper body; the bottom stayed the same. 🤣

Around age 18, fat started accumulating on my upper arms. It was subtle at first, but now that I'm over 30, it's incredibly obvious when I straighten my arms out by a couple of extra inches. It's happening on my forearms, too. That fat actually hurts now, especially during the summer when I'm working out in the heat. I just hope it doesn't start spreading further.

Right now, the circumference of both my thighs is about 8 inches larger than my hips.
According to my doctor, I probably have over two gallons of pathological fat that needs to be sucked out... meaning three or maybe even four surgeries (assuming they also drain any potential lipedema from my neck).

The worst parts are the lipedema around my ankles and knees. My ankles have that typical lump or "ball" of fat that gets extremely uncomfortable in the summer if I'm standing in the heat for too long. As for my knees, hard lumps of fat have appeared on the outer sides, which makes walking uncomfortable.

Here are some of the things I'm doing to try and stop it from getting worse:

A lipedema diet... focusing on as much whole food as possible and staying hydrated.
In the Corona district, I cut out all processed foods, snacks, sweets, and sugar. I stick to fruit, vegetables, fish, eggs, and very little meat. I also incorporate grated ginger and other anti-inflammatory foods to help manage the inflammation in my body.

Manual massage

Lymphatic drainage

Elevating my legs above my heart

Wearing compression stockings, tights, leggings, and similar gear

Walking and cycling

Occasional fasting and intermittent fasting

If you guys have any advice or experiences to share, let me know. 🙂

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Nov 22, 2015

Quick update: I’ve had two coffees with my "father" so far. They both dragged on for an hour and a half or two, and about 90% of the time, he just talked about himself. It was nothing but him venting about his job—how it failed despite everything they did to make it work—and playing the victim about how his friends abandoned him or how his business partners screwed him over.
I honestly don't regret meeting up with him, though. Seeing him clearly for once made me realize I didn't actually lose much by not having him around all these years. I even tried asking his opinion on a problem I'm dealing with, and he treated me like I was some fifteen-year-old kid. He refuses to acknowledge that I'm a grown adult and that I have zero interest in being patronized.
The best part? That void I felt before we reconnected? It's finally filled, and the ache is gone. It doesn't even hurt anymore when I think about the abandonment I dealt with throughout my entire childhood.
In short, I don't regret the meeting, and I'll probably grab a coffee with him every once in a while.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 12, 2015

boldnomad45;54515643 said:Unfortunately, I don't know much about social services myself—I haven't had much experience there. I'm pretty sure you'd need a private therapist, so if you have the cash. You might want to look into group sessions through some state agency, or maybe check out religious support if you're a believer, I don't know.
I don't know what field you're currently in, but you really ought to consider pivoting toward something with high demand abroad. Think software engineering, nursing, or caregiving. If you pick up a language like German or Norwegian, you’ll definitely find work overseas and actually live like a human being. Honestly, there isn't much holding you back here.

Thanks for the input. I don't really have a specialized trade yet; I finished high school, but I've been dragging my feet through college for years because money is such a mess. I'm paying my own way through an extension program, which isn't cheap. To make matters worse, I have to commute 124 miles just to get to campus, so gas and transit are constant drains on my wallet. As for paying for retraining or courses for a whole new career? I can't afford that either. It's a vicious cycle.
Regarding the connection issue—I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll start a new thread to talk about that specifically. 😵

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 11, 2015

Carl Moore8 said:I'm so sorry, because I've been exactly where you are. I'd set up a time to meet, and the guy would just ghost me or ignore my messages. Once that happens a few times, you finally wake up and realize there was never going to be a real father-daughter bond there.

I don't think I lost anything (other than the "gift" of memories from a traumatic childhood, I guess). Of course, I'm fully aware even today that some things stay with you and that I've been carrying them for way too long, but I refuse to let them break me. I try not to dwell on it. I'm just thankful to God that my mom was sensible enough to walk away from him when she did.

I can't believe the stuff about your boyfriend. Has he always acted like this, or is this a recent shift in his personality?

As for the therapy situation, I unfortunately don't have any advice for you—hopefully someone else on the forum who's dealt with this will chime in.

I'm rooting for you! You're going to get through all of this! 👍 🙂

He hasn't always acted like this. If he had, I would have dumped him ages ago. But today, I'm actually speechless because he knows exactly how much this meant to me—how much I needed to go see her and how much of a mess I was because of this whole situation. It's obvious he just doesn't give a damn.
thanks🙂 and I wish you nothing but the best

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 10, 2015

slyjackal32 said:She raised that son of hers—and if he turns out to be a nightmare to her and his own kid, then she probably bears at least some responsibility for that outcome, doesn't she?

All those little gestures—the grandmother handing over cash for ice cream or calling you three times a year for a birthday—it just doesn't hold any weight for me. You mentioned yourself how much they obsess over appearances. And honestly, I won't even touch that "walking through a minefield" comment. Look, we aren't all cut from the same cloth, but I’m just trying to point out that you’ve got it wrong here—you need to start looking out for yourself instead of constantly walking on eggshells just to appease some selfish old lady.

In my opinion, the best move would be for you to just move in with them, act as their full-time housekeeper, and nurse them until the very end. After all, she’s getting older, and he’s aging too—health isn't what it used to be. And once they finally pass, they’ll probably leave the house to the Red Cross or the neighbor’s dog in their will; after all, they don't truly know you, and to them, you're just an outsider who was hovering around in their final days just to snatch the property. The truth is, you two were never really close to begin with.

As far as I'm concerned, people can be miserable, elderly, and kick the bucket together for all I care. I'm just pissed at myself for wasting so much energy dealing with emotional morons and begging for apologies for why they act the way they do. Sure, she bears some responsibility because her husband cheated on her and used their son to run errands for his mistresses for years, and she just sat there and took it. That’s why he’s a wreck today. It doesn't matter that it happened fifty years ago; in their minds, they're still perfectly fine together.

No, moving in is completely off the table. I haven't even stayed the night at her place; we were never that close. As for helping out, she turned down my help—which was free, by the way—countless times. She’d rather pay her neighbor a fortune, even though that guy was being a jerk last year and stole an entire set of dentures right out of her drawer. Though, if you ask me, I suspect the father; I've heard he enjoys doing stuff like that.

They’ve successfully destroyed everything they ever had, so let's stop talking about any kind of inheritance. 🤣 His son is banking on some cash when he supposedly sells that famous property, but I don't buy it for a second. He'll probably just leave him with a massive debt 🤣 just like always.

I don't want anything to do with them anymore. They've completely disgusted me. Ugh.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 10, 2015

boldnomad45 said:Are you going to therapy? I'm in a similar boat. In everyone I date, I'm looking for a mother—for protection and support. But my relationship with my own mother was filled with destructive arguments and fights, all because I'm still chasing this idealized version of a family and a mother that simply doesn't exist.
Like you, my rational side tells me I'm too old for this, that I need to grow up, but emotionally, there's no easy fix.
I really need help from a therapist to sort this out once and for all, to learn how to love that inner child, but I can't afford therapy right now. Besides, with so many practitioners out there, I honestly don't know who to trust.
There it is.

I'm not going. I reached out to someone through a forum about therapy, but they were strictly looking for people in Los Angeles, and I'm all the way in Seattle. I don't have the money for private sessions, and if I go through state assistance, I'll just be stuck with some mediocre psychologist who’s just punching a clock. I've lost my faith in psychologists altogether after getting burned once. Imagine a professional spending months scribbling nonsense in notebooks while the four of us kids came in to "confess" our troubles, only for her to end up having to transcribe those messy notes just to make them legible for a court case. And this was supposed to be a center for abused children, lol. I really don't need a repeat of that. I don't trust anyone anymore; they're all just actors.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 10, 2015

I don't know what kind of nonsense people are trying to pull lately, but let's be clear about one thing: if you're looking for mindless chatter or some sort of unearned validation, you've come to the wrong place. I have zero interest in entertaining fluff. People seem to think they can just drift through life without having a firm grasp on reality, but that's a mistake. You either have a point to make, or you're just wasting everyone's time. Period. Timothy Fowler says:
Timothy Fowler, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but being a perfect parent doesn't actually change the reality of the situation. You can be flawless in everything you do, but you still have to face the hard truth: some parents simply choose to walk away from their children. It’s a harsh reality, but it's one you just have to accept.

I haven't had my dad around since I was thirteen, ever since the divorce went down. Throughout high school, I spent half my life just hoping for a chance to actually see him. Out of five different attempts at meeting up, we only managed to make it happen once—and let me tell you, he completely screwed me over.

If he dropped dead today, I wouldn't even show up to his funeral. He’s been completely wiped from my life—he simply doesn't exist to me anymore. I’m not going to get into the messy details, but honestly, I see myself in parts of your story.

I’d honestly suggest you distance yourself from your mother sooner rather than later. You really need to look into some professional counseling or some kind of psychological support to help you navigate this. If you're actually dealing with that level of toxicity like you claimed, you can't just sit there and take it—you need to deal with it head-on.

Look, you need to face reality: the older you get, the harder it becomes to walk away. You better make your break now while you still have the chance.

Hey there.

Well, the problem is finally solved. I gave my grandmother one last call, because frankly, I’m done asking when I can drop by just to sit there and listen to her endless excuses about why she isn't home. It's pretty obvious she doesn't actually want me around, so honestly, good luck to them. It hurts, I won't lie, but I've spent way too much energy trying to force something that clearly isn't there.

Since last year, I’ve been calling her almost every single week just to check in and see when I can come by for a visit. My brother and I last made the trip out there back in November.

I honestly don't care anymore. Her sister is throwing this massive party this weekend to celebrate a wedding anniversary, and of course, I wasn't invited. Not that I ever am, but naturally, I’ll still hear every single detail about it before and after the fact. There’s this aunt of hers who acts like she owns the social scene—always connected, always knows everyone—and she could have easily helped me land a job more times than I can count. But she refused. She had this rigid idea in her head that I was going to stick with music, finish my conservatory training, and end up working in some high-end theater production. It wasn't that I didn't want to pursue that path; it just wasn't financially feasible at the time. We had much higher priorities to fund, like my brother's private school tuition and everything else. So, I made the practical choice and enrolled in a different university program. She hasn't missed an opportunity to rub salt in the wound, though. Through various intermediaries—since there's no point in me confronting her directly—I constantly hear her lecturing me about how I "should have taken control of my life." As if I chose to walk away from music out of spite. It’s ridiculous. The truth is, I simply don't fit into that family dynamic, and looking back, I was foolish to even try to blend in.

Honestly, regarding that funeral and the whole idea of actually showing up—count me out. I’m certain now. I’ve spent years chewing on this, but it’s all become crystal clear lately. He is a complete piece of work. The way he manipulates people and brainwashes them while playing the victim is just pathetic. To be honest, my biggest fear right now is accidentally turning into someone like him.🙄 I honestly think my mother was constantly terrified that I’d end up becoming a carbon copy of him.

I honestly can’t tell which of my parents is worse; they are both absolute bottom-of-the-barrel role models. I feel like I have zero clue how to actually behave in a healthy relationship or what a functional marriage even looks like, because everything in our house is just fundamentally broken. My mom has completely settled for this guy she met while traveling through Europe—one of the best people I’ve ever met, truly, a total risk-taker who genuinely loves her—but she just spends years stringing him along, making all these empty promises. It’s pathetic. Watching her manipulate him like that makes me sick.

When it comes to the rift between me and my family—it’s already set in stone. Just because we happen to live in the same house doesn't mean anything; they couldn't care less about me. We just tolerate each other's presence. I might have a decent relationship with my brother, but my sisters? As soon as they walk through the door, they treat me like I’m absolute trash. This hasn't been a one-off thing, either; it’s been going on for years, all with my mother’s silent approval, of course. Honestly, I think she’s still secretly holding out hope that my stepfather might leave me some kind of inheritance. 😵

Let’s talk about relationships, because I’ve got a situation that’s driving me up the wall. My boyfriend seems to have zero interest in actually being there for me. When I’m having a total meltdown or feeling like absolute garbage, he doesn't feel the slightest urge to comfort me or even show that he gives a damn about how much I'm struggling. It's infuriating. Whenever I try to vent about something negative happening in my life—especially when it involves my family—he just checks out completely. To him, anything involving my relatives is just "negative noise," so he refuses to engage at all. He offers absolutely no reaction, no empathy, nothing. Honestly, it feels like the man I fell for has been replaced by a complete stranger who couldn't care less.

I honestly have no clue how much psychotherapy it actually takes to sort this out. I don't have the cash to be paying out-of-pocket for private specialists, and if I try to go through my insurance or public health clinics, I'll be sitting on a waiting list for months. Even if I do get an appointment at one of those free community clinics, nobody actually gives a damn; they just go through the motions to check a box. At least, that's been my experience so far.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 10, 2015

neonsurfer2 said:Take a look at my thread (my only one), because I see so much of myself in what you're saying
and I wanted to show you what other people here said to me—it actually helped (especially check out the posts from Radical.

It’s such a familiar pattern for me. We didn't get what we needed from our parents; they let us down, and because
of that, we're dealing with the fallout now. That wounded little kid is still hiding inside us, just starving for love and attention.
So you try to overcompensate by being "perfect" for your partners—trying to be that "good girl" for men just like you spent your whole life trying to be for your father, who,
heaven help us, isn't even in the picture. You adapt to them, too... but where are *you* in all this? Where is the REAL you?? You've completely lost yourself in all this
suffering and longing..
I used to chase those "unreachable" guys constantly. Do you want to know why? Because those untouchable "princes" are nothing but an illusion.
They can't hurt you the way your father did, so you gravitate toward them... but in the end, they hurt you anyway, because they are essentially just
carbon copies of your dad.

I grew up overnight, and honestly, it hit me pretty hard 🙂(it happened after I started my own thread, because I was basically at a dead end, feeling lost),
but I finally realized I don't need his approval for anything in my life anymore. I'm done trying to win anyone over.
The truth is, you are already perfect just as you are. You are ENOUGH, exactly as you are, and you don't need to change for anyone. Your father made a massive mistake in life—he failed as a parent because he never truly knew you, his daughter. He's the one losing out, not you.
First you say you aren't angry at him, then later you say you want to "punch him in the face"... maybe there's some repressed rage in there that you aren't even aware of yet. Maybe that's why you're feeling that panic.. it was the same for me. I eventually realized it's okay to be angry. It's human nature. When a child doesn't get what they need, anger is the natural response. If you bottle it up, it just becomes destructive and eats you alive from the inside without you even knowing it... so watch out for that. You can be angry, and you can let it all out..
Another thing that used to eat at me was the guilt—“but he's my father, I shouldn't feel this way about him... clearly something is wrong with me... it's my fault again, blah blah..." You know the drill. But I learned how to live without that weight because, like I said, I am not responsible for his failures. I am perfectly fine, you hear me!??
I'm not interested in men who act like my father anymore; I can smell them coming from a mile away. Since I started valuing myself, I've actually attracted
different kinds of people—people who actually care about me. So yeah, you can break that cycle. Of course, everything isn't sunshine and rainbows yet, but compared
to how things used to be..

Hey.
I just finished reading your entire thread. I actually find myself agreeing with you on several points because the parallels are pretty striking. My mother reminds me exactly of your father—she seriously needs to grow up. Growing up was a mess for me; while she was traveling through Europe working with my boyfriend, we were basically left to our own devices. We’d just be stuck in the apartment alone or hanging out with my grandma if she happened to stop by. On top of that, we had my former stepfather around, who was a complete wreck—an alcoholic with severe PTSD. It was a lot to deal with.

I’m not even angry at "Dad" anymore. Honestly, I just think he’s weak. He’s spent the last decade playing the victim and acting pathetic instead of actually getting off his ass and doing something about his life. He hasn't moved an inch because his wife has been footing the bill this whole time, and now we're stuck dealing with the fallout from Mom.
I’d honestly love to just break his nose. I can see him completely destroying his mother, and she’s dealing with serious heart issues as it is. As for why he’s such a complete jerk—apparently, his grandfather was a total womanizer who cheated on my grandmother, and he had to deal with all that trauma as a kid. That might be his story, but it isn't an excuse for treating me like garbage. If anything, it should make him better, especially since I was the perfect child. I never caused any trouble growing up and I was a straight-A student throughout school. He has zero leverage here.

My brother is a complete mess. His son is 21 years old and still hasn't even finished high school, despite being enrolled in private school where they’ve dumped an absolute fortune. I honestly can't wrap my head around his logic. On one hand, he didn't pay a dime in child support for me because there was nothing to claim, yet on the other, he's blowing through $15,000 or more on his kid. When I found out, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I have a decent relationship with my brother now; he's trying to grow up and find some independence, looking for work, but you can see he struggles with confidence, focus, and massive anxiety.

As for inheritance, I'm not expecting a cent. He’s already shown exactly how much he cares. Apparently, he’s trying to sell a commercial property downtown for a huge sum, but this has been dragging on for years because he turned down an offer that would have cleared all his debts and secured his entire family's future. I assume it's just some ego trip combined with greed. It’s hard to feel any sympathy for him at this point.

I don't even know what my own rights are. That's just me being honest. A long time ago, a friend asked me what I wanted to do with my life or what makes me happy, and I had no idea. I’m actually terrified to even want anything because I grew up in a toxic household. I can't get away—if I try to move out for seasonal work, they manipulate me and guilt-trip me until I'm basically paying them back for the privilege of leaving, lol. Since I can't afford to move out on my own, I'm stuck with them for now. It's hard to explain how a 30-year-old can be unable to leave. It's been drilled into my brain that I won't survive on my own. My mother repeats it every single day: everything I do is wrong, whether it's my weight, my hair, or if I'm wearing makeup or not. It's decades of pure brainwashing. As a kid, I didn't realize what was happening to us. Now that I see it clearly, it's even worse because I know I've been screwed over, but I still feel paralyzed. There's this mental block 🙂 when someone spends years telling you the world is terrifying and that you aren't capable of handling an independent life or a real job. How are you supposed to believe that's a lie?

Regarding therapy, I went for a few months when I was 17 during an incredibly stressful period. It was some free center for kids of domestic abuse victims or something like that. The psychologist was young and inexperienced, and frankly, I don't think she took any of us seriously. My brother has been depressed since he was six, my sister ended up in the ICU, and my other sister was physically attacked by our father—I don't even know if it was sexual assault because she never spoke about it. I told her how my former stepfather literally wanted to kill me and threatened to shoot me, and her response was basically suggesting I write him a letter explaining my feelings. 😲 We had one-hour sessions scheduled every week, I think. The goal was to use the testimony in court during the various proceedings my mother initiated against him to show how all us children were suffering because of his behavior. But since he's related to one of the most powerful people in our region, filing police reports didn't accomplish much.
That man eventually ended up in prison years later for about a year. Today, he’s doing great because he has zero responsibilities toward his children. He never truly had a relationship with them anyway; he just gets out and goes drinking. He was always the "life of the party," and nobody believed the hell he put us through behind closed doors.

As far as dating goes, I met a guy who seemed perfect. For months, he treated me like a literal princess. I couldn't have complained about a single thing. Then, one day, he just decided it was over and left me. We eventually reconciled, but I don't trust him anymore; I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a massive fear of abandonment.
When it happened, I felt a physical sensation like I was being choked; I literally couldn't breathe. It was my first real relationship, which makes it even more tragic. I only really started dating heavily last year; before that, I was paralyzed by the fear of being left, the inability to relax, and this constant habit of overanalyzing why someone is with me—always feeling like I'm not attractive enough, smart enough, fun enough, or just "enough" in every possible way.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 10, 2015

slyjackal32 said:People always say that as they get older, they start turning toward faith and family—mostly because old age, sickness, and death eventually make them too stubborn to do anything else.

I honestly think that sentiment hits pretty close to home when you look at your "dad" and his mother—your grandmother, I mean.

To be perfectly honest, if I had that much strength, I’d probably just pretend they didn't exist entirely—I certainly wouldn't let anyone drag me back into their messy, broken, and decaying lives. Where exactly were they when you actually needed them?

I can't really complain about my grandma; I talk to her regularly, at least once a week, and we see each other a few times a year. She insisted that whenever I visit, I take the money she offers. I used to come around rarely because I refused the cash—I know exactly how small her Social Security check is and how much she spends on meds and doctor visits. Eventually, she gave me an ultimatum: either come over and take it, or don't bother coming at all. For the most part, our relationship is fine, though she isn't as open as my other grandmother, who is practically like a mother to me. I have to watch everything I say around her because she's sick and I don't want to trigger anything; talking to her feels like walking through a minefield.
My dad's side of the family stays pretty much to themselves. They have their own status; they aren't struggling—one cousin runs a restaurant, another works for City Hall, etc. My mom always called them snobs. They care way too much about appearances, regardless of what's actually happening behind the scenes. Because of that, my "father" would constantly send me gifts just so he could brag to his relatives about how well he takes care of me. I tried to bond with those relatives, but it’s impossible, even though we saw each other when I was a kid. I just don't fit into that branch of the family. It always felt like I was some outsider or an illegitimate child.
Grandma is a very tough, positive person, but I feel like her son is sucking the life out of her. He's draining her energy and her will to live; she's changed and become depressed. I can hear the exhaustion in her voice.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 8, 2015

neonsurfer2 said:Honestly, I don't even know what to say about "fathers" like that..
And you're supposed to feel bad for him now? Really?
Just treat him like some distant acquaintance. Cut the emotions out—it’s just not worth it.
Don't waste your energy drowning in them. You didn't have a father then, and you don't have one now.
You're an adult woman, not some little kid, and he has zero leverage over you. So there's no reason to panic; your father isn't your responsibility!! Where was he when he actually should have been looking out for you? You're overthinking this because you're still chasing the idea of having a "dad," and you're just creating a burden for yourself. He is never going to change. Focus on yourself and all the good things
waiting for you in the future. You need to be selfish here... do it for yourself. 🙂

I don't even know how to put this into words, but whenever he shows up in my life—whether it’s through some third party asking about me or those birthday gifts that show up via FedEx instead of him actually being there in person—it’s like I lose all sense of who I am. I instantly turn into some wide-eyed seven-year-old girl, just desperate for a father figure and a hug and whatever else it is kids crave from their dads. It’s pathetic, really, because I never actually had that growing up.🙄 It sounds childish, I know, but it happens every single time. It doesn't matter that I'm 30 years old now. It takes me weeks to recover because that "void"—that constant craving—just lingers far too long. It’s been happening my entire life.

It’s funny how it works—every single one of my relationships eventually spirals into this exact same pattern: I go after men who are completely out of reach. At first, it feels like a damn fairy tale. They treat me like royalty, everything is perfect, and I’m flying high. But then, without fail, they morph into carbon copies of my father. Suddenly, it’s all the same old games—the cold shoulder, the constant stalling, the feeling of being ignored. And what do I do? I just work harder. I convince myself that if I can just be "perfect" enough this time around, he’ll finally be proud of me. He’ll actually make time for me. It’s an endless loop of trying to earn attention that isn't coming. I’ve got this complex, and honestly, I know it. 🤔

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · Jun 8, 2015

Update:
So, getting to know him is officially off the table; he’s completely checked out. I heard from my brother—his son, my half-brother—that the guy is struggling big time. Apparently, he’s spiraling into a depression because he isn't working and has zero cash flow. According to my mom, this has basically been his default setting his entire life. Instead of stepping up, he’s just leeching off his mother, who is nearly 80 and living on Social Security $833. Just to be clear, he refuses to do any "real" work. He used to run his own little outfit, so now he thinks he's too good for anything that isn't some high-end office job with a massive salary. I suggested to my brother that he point him toward some actual job openings—places looking for male engineers and similar professionals—but he won't even consider it. Now, he’s just holed up at his grandmother's place with her Golden Retriever. I assume she’s doing all the cleaning for both of them. The woman has a pacemaker and spends most of her time navigating hospital appointments. Honestly, having him there is going to break her mentally. Since he moved in, we barely talk. Every time I call, it’s some excuse about how she’s having a bad day, but I suspect he’s actually gatekeeping her so we can't communicate. She’s the type who insists on doing everything herself and refuses any help.
I’m seriously tempted to drive over there and knock some sense into him. Not the dog, obviously.

If anyone has any actual advice, please share. I’m at my wits' end.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · May 15, 2015

Roger Scott17 said:Look, you’re 30 years old—you’re plenty grown up to just walk away from all this nonsense once and for all. Honestly? Just forget about your "dad"—he was never really there to begin with, so what is there even to lose?
Your mom is just as much of a wild card, and frankly, she isn't any better than he was. And now you’re expected to play teacher to your half-brothers? I mean, seriously, why are they even in college if there’s zero money to cover it?
If I were in your shoes, I’d just pack my bags, head to a different part of the country, find a solid job, meet some decent guy, and just try to live a normal life.

Regarding working out of state—I've thought about it, but I've had to put that idea on hold for now. I can't afford the move since I'm currently unemployed, and honestly, I'm just trying to rebuild my self-esteem after being constantly torn down and told I can't do anything right.
I don't buy into the idea that some random person is going to show up and fix my life. I know I have to do it myself. It doesn't matter where I am; moving is just geography, it doesn't change who I am.

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · May 15, 2015

There was a whole lot more to deal with, but I don't want to bury you in details. One thing that absolutely drained me, though, was the endless legal battle with my ex over child support and abuse. It dragged on for years. I had to testify multiple times. In the end, he landed about a year in federal prison. He never paid a dime, and he still works under the table. Honestly, I find guys like him fascinating—they have kids but act like they don't even exist. After he got out, he actually called me just to brag about how great life was behind bars.
My mom has this incredible talent for finding absolute losers. Luckily, she’s with someone now who is genuinely good for her, and it looks like they might actually make it. They’ve been together about ten years, and who knows, maybe they’ll even get married.

Regarding moving—that’s the goal as soon as I land a job. Or maybe once I finish working the summer season down by the coast, somewhere far away from my family. I can't find any work in my hometown. For what it's worth, I've lived on my own several times during those busy seasons and managed to survive just fine. ☕

I'm 30, but people treat me like a teenager, especially my mother. Our relationship is pretty strained overall. As for "him" and dating—if my grandmother is around, I have to be careful because she’ll take offense. But I don't have any feelings left for him. I'm not even angry anymore. 🤔

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · May 15, 2015

I finally figured it out for myself after all these years😵 but my family always found ways to make excuses for him. It was always the same old story: either he’s working himself to death, or he’s "suffering" through depression, or now he’s just a poor soul because he’s unemployed. And yeah, I heard he blew most of the money he actually earned, so naturally, he’s just another victim of circumstance.

Now, it feels like he’s trying to play the "sick mother" card to get his way. He’s framing it so that she wants us to meet, which puts me in this impossible position where if I say no, I’m the "evil granddaughter" 🤔 because she has a heart condition and a pacemaker, and apparently, meeting him would be the one thing to save her. She was acting all overjoyed telling me how great things are over there and how much it would mean for me to finally meet "Dad." Honestly? It made me sick to my stomach.

The worst part is that for years, I’ve been drawn to men who are emotionally unavailable, just like him. I always fell into that trap of thinking I could somehow "catch" them and fix them😵 by healing them with my love.☕

The more I sit here and dwell on this, the more I feel like I should just go see this "father" figure for an hour, get it over with, and settle this once and for all.😵

Dealing with anxiety and parents in Psychology & Therapy · May 15, 2015

Hey there.

I’m not even sure which sub I should be posting this in; it’s got elements of toxic parenting, standard parenting, and child psychology all rolled into one mess.

So, I just found out my father wants to meet up with me. Honestly, it wouldn’t even be that shocking if I weren't already thirty years old and living in the exact same city as him—which I have been my entire life. It turns out my grandmother, his mother, is sick right now, and she’s currently staying with him. I’m pretty sure that’s the real reason we're suddenly being nudged toward a reunion; she's likely using her health as leverage to force us all into the same room. As for his actual motivation? Who knows. Maybe his new wife kicked him out of the house. She’s the one working while he was forced into early retirement and hasn't lifted a finger for years. He's basically been doing nothing for a long time.

My parents were married for about two years back in the early 80s. They split up when I was only two or three. My mother remarried when I was six, and she had my sister with her new husband, followed much later by twins—a brother and a sister. My biological father remarried as well and eventually had a son, who’s nine years younger than me. To cut a long story short, being the oldest, I spent my whole life trying to be the "perfect" child. I crushed it in school and handled all my responsibilities flawlessly because I honestly believed that being an overachiever was the only way to earn my mother's love. I always felt like an intruder; in her new marriage, my sister was the "real" child, while I was just an inconvenience hanging around. I mostly kept to myself because I never truly fit in. For instance, when I started school, most kids had their parents dropping them off or walking them to the gates. I used to walk nearly a mile and a half alone along the road, even though my stepfather was driving in the exact same direction. That’s just one example of how isolated I felt. The only place I ever truly felt like I belonged was with my grandparents. My maternal grandmother and my late grandfather were essentially my real parents to me. Even now, my grandma treats me like I'm her own daughter, whereas my mother basically just tries to tolerate my existence. I won't even get into the fighting because I could write a book on this forum about it. It was everything: psychological abuse, financial control, and physical violence. My biological father was a veteran, a heavy alcoholic, and he was abusive toward my mother and tried his hand at abusing us kids too. For years, I acted as a sort of human buffer zone between him and anyone else unlucky enough to be in his path. This went on until things escalated when I was 17. We moved into an apartment through some government assistance program, and since it was in his name, we lived as a "family" unit for the first time without my grandmother nearby to protect us. For about a year, the police were a regular fixture in our lives because the screaming matches between my mother and stepfather were constantly on the verge of turning physical. To put it bluntly, whenever I was walking home from school in the evening, I would run. I never knew what to expect behind that door—whether I’d find someone injured, a pool of blood, or something even worse.

I used to have this recurring dream where my "father" would just magically reappear one day. He lived only about three blocks away—practically right across the street from my high school—and he was going to swoop in and save me from all the bullshit and the constant fighting at home. The logic in my head was always that he loved me, he just couldn't make it home sooner because he was too busy building an empire. In this dream, after my parents split up, he finished college, worked some entry-level job, and then launched his own business. It took off like crazy, and eventually, he expanded into owning five or six different retail stores across the city. His wife actually worked alongside him. As soon as the business started booming, the child support payments became regular and reliable. Then there were the birthdays. Starting when I turned seven, the gifts began rolling in. I vividly remember a delivery driver showing up at my door with this massive suitcase filled with LEGO sets. That became the pattern every single year. One of his employees would show up to drop off whatever gift he’d picked out for me, but he himself never once showed up. For Christmas, I’d get these boxes of chocolates with cash tucked inside, always accompanied by a card. Most of the time, he’d just sign it "Dad."

The child support and financial help lasted until I turned 21. Even though I was still a full-time student at the time and legally entitled to that support, he just decided he was done paying. Since then? Nothing. Not even a "Happy Birthday" text. I never even found out why he cut me off. So, I switched to an easier major and started working to make ends meet. Honestly, school has just been this endless, dragging process ever since. I study when I can actually afford the tuition, which isn't often. It’s been like this for years. Because I haven't finished my degree, I’m stuck working entry-level jobs that pay next to nothing, and there’s zero room for upward mobility. I can't seem to scrape together enough savings to finally move out of this old family apartment. My mom and stepfather split up about ten years ago, and we’ve basically been scraping by on her paycheck, my odd jobs, and whatever extra cash we can pull in from side gigs. My stepfather hasn't paid a dime in child support for his own kids in years. My sister lives with her boyfriend and holds down a job, but now the twins have started college and they really need that support. As far as my dad is concerned, at least he actually fulfilled his obligation to me.

Looking back at our contact—or lack thereof—up until this year, here is the reality of my relationship with my "father":
We’ve seen each other at three funerals, in order: my great-grandmother, my grandfather, and finally his own father. We exchanged maybe three or four sentences, all of them just standard condolences. Nothing else. Aside from those, I saw him once at a shopping mall when I was with my mom and he was with his wife. He didn't even acknowledge me. That’s it. My mom used to tell me he’d see her around town and try to chat about things when they crossed paths. They actually had a functional relationship; if he was late with child support, she’d just call him over to the house to settle it.

As for my attempts to reach out—here are a few examples: Back in high school, I wanted to find a summer job. It was my only real break since I was juggling two schools at once alongside the daily bullshit at home. My self-esteem was non-existent back then; looking at my old journals from that era, I honestly wonder how I survived without completely losing my mind. A summer job felt like the perfect way to escape everything. My mom asked if I wanted to work for "Dad" at his retail store—maybe stocking shelves, washing windows, or whatever. Immediately, I started imagining this cinematic moment where, after all these years of separation, we would finally bond like a real father and daughter. I convinced myself he actually loved me and had just been too busy or unable to reach out. 😵 My mom asked him if I could work there, and he said no. ☕ Then she suggested I spend the summer with them on his boat, or maybe just grab lunch one day... none of it ever happened because he was always "busy," or traveling, or working, or in meetings, or they were going somewhere, or there wasn't enough room, etc. We only ever saw each other at funerals, and that was it.

Two years ago, I suggested to his mother—his own mom—that she give him my cell number so he could call me for coffee whenever he felt like it. Her response was that he doesn't have a car right now, so he can't go anywhere. And since he isn't working, he doesn't have money for coffee. Apparently, he doesn't take the bus either—that's what my mom told me. She also added that I should be glad I never got to know him, because he's dealing with depression and such. For years, my mom would feed me little "data points" about him, like his favorite ice cream flavor and stuff like that. As if knowing that would make me know him better. I don't know why she did it, other than to depress me and force me to construct these elaborate scenarios where he suddenly remembers I exist. Now that it's finally happening, I just feel blah. ☕ I'm supposed to be happy or something, but I mostly just think he's terrified of developing Alzheimer's soon (his father died from it), so he wants to meet me before it's too late.

His son and I met through Facebook. One day he sent me a friend request, and we started talking. After a year of chatting, we finally met up for coffee and walked around the city. He was 16 at the time. Then there was a period where we just messaged on Facebook, followed by a few coffees last year. I’ve met some of his friends, and generally, we stay in touch regularly.

I honestly don't know if I have the mental energy or the will to get to know someone after thirty years of silence. If he lived in, say, Australia, I might have a relatively decent reason for understanding why he couldn't find an hour for coffee. If he were the President or a King, and I were an illegitimate child and he feared the publicity, I would totally get it. But he isn't. He's just an ordinary guy. He hasn't worked for years; he has all the time in the world to reach out. I've finally moved past that old wound, and now I'm just afraid of what happens if I actually go to this meeting. I feel backed into a corner; I want to see my grandmother, but I can't because he's there. I finally managed to overcome my panic attacks, but now the panic and the feeling of suffocation are back. I can't sleep at night; I just lie there awake until 3 or 4 in the morning. I don't know what to think. Help.