Posts by Thomas Jones132

14 posts shown.

Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Apr 18, 2016

Hey everyone!
Just wanted to give you all a quick little update on how things are going.
I haven't spoken to my mom since we last talked.
I am still in touch with my brother, though.
As for my sister, she’s cut me off completely for reasons I can't quite wrap my head around.
She’s the only one still talking to our mom.
My brother and her talk every now and then, but since they live just down the street from each other, it feels more like a matter of convenience than anything else.
Honestly, I don't spend much time thinking about my mother anymore, and I have to say, it feels incredibly freeing.
I know life is fragile and anyone could pass away at any moment, but that thought doesn't weigh on me or cause me any anxiety.
It is such a relief to finally be unburdened by having zero contact with her.
For the first time in my life, this isn't an issue for me, and I don't feel a single ounce of guilt
like I used to back in the day.
I've finally realized that I am not responsible for the choices she makes in her own life.
Because of that, I'm sleeping like a baby, feeling totally peaceful and dignified.
Following some of the advice I received here, I've truly forgiven her in my heart, so there is absolutely no
bitterness or resentment left in me.
And regarding my dad, I’ve come to realize it wasn't my job to constantly defend him or act as his shield.
He was the adult who should have been looking out for himself and for me.
It's not my responsibility to fight his battles for him, whether it was years ago or now that he's
no longer with us.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 27, 2015

Harold Phillips54 said:Look, your situation isn't nearly as dire as mine. Honestly, I’m just someone who grew up without a place to call home. My father disowned me—he fought my very right to claim him as a parent—and even after I was an adult, married, and fully grown, he kicked me out of the house with a blunt "don't bother coming back." For years, things finally seemed to settle, and he actually stepped back into being a father to me until the day he passed. But then I realized he had never changed his mind. He actually showed me his true colors in a really ugly, posthumous way, leaving me to realize I’d been living a delusion for half my life. Because of that rejection, he robbed me of the chance to say what I truly needed to say to his face. I consider myself a pretty resilient, tough woman; I've always handled my own problems since I was a kid. I wouldn't be responding to your posts if I didn't feel it was necessary to speak up while a conflicting person is still alive, because sometimes you need those spoken words to find some closure for everything you've endured.
I couldn't do that. All I could do was go to the gravesite, sit on a stone, look at his photo, and talk to him—really just talking to myself—but nothing ever came of it. You have this deep human need to tell a rational being, "Damn it, look at what you did to me!" You want to yell, "You blind fool, where are you looking? I look just like you! I have your bad eyesight, I have your gift for writing... why on earth didn't you just help me prove paternity instead of making my life a living hell?" Well, you see, once they're gone, you can't do that.
And for the record, I don't need anyone's help. I helped myself. What I ended up receiving from his estate—the financial side of things—wasn't even because he wanted me to have it. In fact, he explicitly decided I wouldn't get anything from his side of the family; my brother made sure of that through a private agreement. So, that little bit of money, maybe about five thousand dollars, I blew on all sorts of nonsense as long as there was cash to spend. When my mom asked if I had put any of it into savings, I told her straight up: "No, I spent it all. I used the last few bucks to buy toilet paper." As for that talent for writing I inherited from him? I’m never going to use it. And I won't. That stubbornness is my version of self-help, and I don't need anything else.
Life is tough, and those ghosts from the past catch up to you when you least expect it. Here I am, over 50, a grown woman with two-thirds of my life behind me, and yet sometimes I truly feel like a helpless little girl. It only lasts for a moment, though. Once that masochistic, self-satisfied spite flashes across my face, I just tell myself: "Am I not your daughter? Fine. Then I don't want a single thing from you."

I totally get where you're coming from... thank you so much for sharing your story and giving me a better sense of everything that's going on! It really helps to understand the full picture. If you don't mind me asking, what was the situation with your mom? I can't help but wonder if she could have just filed for a paternity test back then to finally settle the matter once and for all!
I totally get why you're feeling this way about what he did to you. You know, I’m a huge believer in the laws of the universe; I really feel like no matter where he runs, space has a way of seeing things exactly as they are, and eventually, he'll have to face the truth he's been trying to twist and bend to fit his own desires for all these years!
Honestly, for people like us dealing with this stuff, we really need more support. In some other countries, you can just jump right into a therapy group without jumping through a million hoops first, but here in the States, the whole process feels so much more complicated than it should be. I have to start by seeing my primary care physician, and let me tell you, she’s just not that invested—you can tell she’s completely overwhelmed with her own workload and barely has time to breathe, let alone focus on me. I'm honestly worried about whether she'll even bother giving me a referral or if I'll just end up getting bounced around from one specialist to another. I’ve heard so many stories from others about how much wandering and sheer persistence it takes just to find someone who actually intends to listen to you! I would love nothing more than to join a support group filled with people facing similar family issues. I know it's going to take some serious effort and a lot of staying power, but I really want to put in the work just so I can know I actually tried to make a change.

Growing up, I honestly felt like I was an adopted kid! It sounds silly, but looking back at my first grade school photo, there was just this nagging feeling that I didn't quite fit in with the rest of the family. Plus, logically, it never made sense to me why they would suddenly adopt a third child when they already had two little ones running around.
I remember being about eight years old and timidly asking my mom if I was actually adopted... she just gave me this look and told me to stop talking nonsense! Eventually, I realized I was definitely their biological child, though. My mom once mentioned to a friend that I wasn't exactly planned—that I just sort of arrived one day—and I can still vividly recall the blunt way she said it.
Because of that feeling of being an outsider, I spent so many years as a little girl being too afraid to ask for anything at all. I wouldn't dare ask for love, attention, or even a tiny toy from the drugstore aisle; instead, I just wore hand-me-downs from my brother, my sister, or some older cousin. I was always so hyper-aware, trying my absolute best to make sure I didn't "burden" them or cause any trouble.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 26, 2015

Harold Phillips54 said:I’m going to step back from this discussion for my own sake, at least for now, but I can't just stay silent. To the author: please, under no circumstances and regardless of how much it hurts, do not let your mother pass away without looking her in the eye and telling her exactly what she did to your life. This doesn't have to be an accusation or a trial; think of it simply as a moment of raw, honest truth—and then, whatever happens, happens.
Because if you don't, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. All that anger, all that pain, and those feelings you can't quite find the words for—they'll stay trapped inside you, weighing you down forever. Eventually, you might end up in a position like mine, where you find yourself acting out against a parent who isn't even here anymore, using spite as a way to deal with the frustrations they left behind, sinking emotionally every single time the memory resurfaces.
Take me, for example. Ever since I was a kid, I've had a natural gift for writing, something I inherited from my father. But I don't use it. I refuse to use it because it feels like it belongs to him—it's his legacy. To me, words feel suffocating, heavy... so what do I do? I suppress them. I hold onto this stubborn vow I made to myself: whatever I was given, I'll take to my grave. It's my way of being defiant against everything he put me through.
The thing is, I don't have a choice anymore—he's been gone for fifteen years. And look, I've spent those fifteen years living with this weight, knowing exactly where I went wrong, but having zero chance to make it right.
But you still have that chance. Go do it.

Hang in there, dear Harold Phillips54... you really have to find a way through this! I can only imagine that you might be dealing with an incredibly deep and painful wound right now—it honestly sounds like it could be something truly heavy.
Please, try to be kind to yourself and find some ways to help yourself heal. I truly believe that psychotherapy is always a valid option on the table, though I know for some people, following a spiritual path can be just as transformative. I’m not quite sure what kind of person you are or what resonates with your soul, but there is always a way forward—we just have to roll up our sleeves and find it together!
I have to say, you guys really shook me up in the best way possible, and I can't thank you enough for all the support in the comments! I’ve spent quite a bit of time diving into books like *Toxic Parents* and *Women Who Love Too Much*, but there is honestly nothing that compares to when people reach out and speak directly to you on such a deeply personal level—it truly means the world to me.
John, please hang in there... don't let them get you down! Honestly, if the people on this forum who have been helping me pull through—and they’ve been doing such an incredible job—could lend you a hand, I know they could pluck you right out of those weeds in no time at all.
I really put my trust in them, and honestly, they went above and beyond to give that right back to me! It’s such a wonderful feeling. Each one of them brought something truly unique to the table to help me navigate through my situation.
Sending you all so much love and waving at everyone from my bathrobe! 🙂
Harold Phillips54, I’ve personally given them a whirl, and honestly, you might just want to take the plunge yourself too... sending love!

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 26, 2015

Harold Phillips54 said:I’m going to step back from this discussion for my own sake, at least for now, but I can't just stay silent. To the author: please, under no circumstances and regardless of how much it hurts, do not let your mother pass away without looking her in the eye and telling her exactly what she did to your life. This doesn't have to be an accusation or a trial; think of it simply as a moment of raw, honest truth—and then, whatever happens, happens.
Because if you don't, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. All that anger, all that pain, and those feelings you can't quite find the words for—they'll stay trapped inside you, weighing you down forever. Eventually, you might end up in a position like mine, where you find yourself acting out against a parent who isn't even here anymore, using spite as a way to deal with the frustrations they left behind, sinking emotionally every single time the memory resurfaces.
Take me, for example. Ever since I was a kid, I've had a natural gift for writing, something I inherited from my father. But I don't use it. I refuse to use it because it feels like it belongs to him—it's his legacy. To me, words feel suffocating, heavy... so what do I do? I suppress them. I hold onto this stubborn vow I made to myself: whatever I was given, I'll take to my grave. It's my way of being defiant against everything he put me through.
The thing is, I don't have a choice anymore—he's been gone for fifteen years. And look, I've spent those fifteen years living with this weight, knowing exactly where I went wrong, but having zero chance to make it right.
But you still have that chance. Go do it.

Dear John! 🙂I’ve actually brought this up to her quite a few times over the last decade—even right before I decided to start this thread—but honestly, she just laughs in my face every single time! At this point, I don't really feel the need to push the issue anymore because I truly feel like I've laid all my cards on the table and said everything that actually needs to be said.
I can't help but wonder if there’s a chance she might actually get physical with me, on top of all that cursing she's definitely doing!
I don't think I'm actually worried about her getting physical with me, but honestly, I’ve already gone toe-to-toe with her once before! It really could have turned into a full-on brawl if someone else hadn't stepped in right at the last second to break us up.
I honestly don't have anything left to say to her! I've finally reached that point where I'm absolutely certain that I need to cut all ties completely, even when she starts sobbing like some helpless, broken woman who's just begging for help.

The folks on this forum really hit the nail on the head when they described her narcissism and those manipulative tactics she uses! I actually spent this past weekend hanging out with my brother and sister, and honestly, it was such a breath of fresh air because everything felt totally normal. It felt like the first time we could actually think, act, and speak our minds freely without her constantly hovering over us or trying to control the vibe. We all finally realized that moving forward, it’s best if we just keep her at arm's length. She definitely sensed that we were standing united, and it was probably the first time ever that none of us reached out to her or even acknowledged her presence, which I know must have been a massive blow to her ego!
I honestly feel like all three of them should just step up and confront her head-on! If they actually stood their ground together, I don't think she’d be able to keep up that fake laughter of hers because she'd be totally exposed from every single angle at once. Who knows, maybe we'll see that happen one day, though personally, I think our best bet right now is just to hit that block button and move on with our lives!

I honestly feel like once they finally pass away, we’re all going to breathe such a massive sigh of relief! It’s just one of those things where the three of us have collectively realized that this toxic parent has become such a huge roadblock in our lives, and honestly, they just sowed far too much poison along the way.
I truly believe that once those souls finally find their peace, it’s going to ripple out and bring a sense of calm into our own lives too!
I honestly can't quite put my finger on it, but that's just how I'm feeling right now!
Exactly like everyone else mentioned—she’s finally going to have to deal with the consequences of her own actions! It's funny how life works, isn't it? You reap exactly what you sow, and now she's about to feel the burn from that toxicity she's been spreading around.

I honestly feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders ever since the folks on here helped me realize that I don't owe her a single second of my time or energy, especially now that she’s just an elderly, frail woman left completely alone by her own children!
It finally clicked for me. I was just hanging out near her house over the weekend—maybe twenty yards from her front door—and honestly, it felt so incredibly liberating knowing she won't be reaching out to me. I don't wish her any ill will, but I truly couldn't care less about her struggles; I simply don't feel responsible for her, and I have zero interest in rushing in to play the "first responder" role.
Things were always a bit tense, but back then, she had this intense, powerful energy because she was younger.
Seeing how much she's aged lately actually shook me up quite a bit, but after reading all the comments from everyone here—and thank God you all stepped up—everything feels crystal clear again.
The second you mention anything about the soul, emotions, or those deeper "spiritual things," she just snaps; she’ll burst into this fits of manic laughter or start mocking you, completely losing her sense of reality... and frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned physical, trying to flip the script and accuse me of being the aggressor.
It wouldn't be the first time in her life she's twisted a situation to screw someone over.
Seriously, she is capable of absolutely anything when she wants to manipulate people.
I really think the best way to handle this is through total, 100% silence. In this specific situation, I truly believe going completely dark is the best medicine for both of us.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 26, 2015

Brenda Booth5 said:You are, but being in that position isn't your fault. Manipulative people are deeply broken individuals, yet at the same time, they are absolute masters of seduction and coercion. When someone falls under the influence of a person like that, the reason lies within the manipulator's (or narcissist's) personality and the simple fact that learning how to establish independence is a skill you have to practice.
It's never too late, even if you feel like you've missed your chance, because every single day you move forward matters.

Like someone else pointed out, if your parent is financially set—meaning they can hand over their property (or whatever assets they have beyond the basics) to a proper institution like JPMorgan Chase to manage it all—then the matter is settled. If a parent failed to fulfill their basic parental duties, then the children shouldn't feel any obligation to step in and fix it now.

There are certain situations where caring for someone—let's call it a "sacrifice"—feels completely natural because it comes from a place of love, and you wouldn't even view it as a sacrifice. Those are the moments when you don't feel any internal conflict. But the moment you start feeling doubt or a strong sense of repulsion, I think it's clear that you're dealing with blackmail. In those cases, you might need to apply the logic that "you don't negotiate with terrorists."

Yes, Rosa Parks, that was such a beautiful way to put it; I'm sitting here soaking in every word...
Thank you so much for this! 🙂

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 23, 2015

placidstag52 said:If you can't face the truth, it’s pretty much impossible to make any smart decisions moving forward.

Honestly, people like that shouldn't even be a factor in this day and age. Your mother sounds like an incompetent, deeply troubled, abusive mess who has spent her entire life tearing down the people around her instead of protecting them or helping them find happiness. There really should be zero tolerance for individuals like that, no matter the circumstances.

If you weren't still under her thumb, you'd probably be looking for ways to make sure she regrets all her terrible actions rather than worrying about how not to deny her help. As for a home? A woman like that doesn't deserve a place like El Dorado.

By offering forgiveness, you're essentially signaling that you accept everything she's done up to this point. That’s the real tragedy of this whole situation.

Either give her an inch and let her walk all over you—which I know you won't—or just cut her out of your life entirely. If you go that route, make sure you tell her exactly what happened, how it felt, and why you're doing it, then leave her to rot in whatever dark corner she belongs in.

Once you've handled things with her, try to reach out to your brother and sister. If they're open to it, great; if not, at least you'll have the peace of mind knowing you tried to do the right thing.

That's bold and absolutely true... I totally agree.
Thanks for the comment, Zuckerberg.
I honestly don't know how I'm still under her influence, but I am, I definitely am...

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 23, 2015

Donna White50;55965829 said:
Thomas Jones132;55959821 said:

"There isn't anything you can possibly do to earn the respect of someone who simply isn't capable of seeing your worth."

Honestly, I’ve got five different accounts at Chase, and while I don't have a single tattoo on my body, I am seriously tempted to get that quote inked somewhere visible, mostly just for my own sake, though I wouldn't mind others seeing it too! 😵

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 22, 2015

Donna White50 said:

Thomas Jones132 said:Your mother is such a classic narcissist who just can't wrap her head around anyone else's needs, and honestly, she refuses to take any responsibility for the mess she leaves in her wake. Your father was always way too passive, though, and he never quite found the backbone to set those necessary boundaries with her! It feels like you created this impossible, suffocating situation where, after trying everything to win her over and satisfy those endless, unhealthy demands through your own successes, you finally felt there was no other way out than to end it all. Your mother did it, and honestly, there isn't a single soul in this country who can hold her accountable for what happened!."

Honestly, this is exactly the kind of insight I’ve been searching for through years of both logical reasoning and emotional turmoil just to find something that feels like the truth and helps me finally make sense of everything! Thanks Darky, this is going to be such a massive help to me...

I really hope you have a good idea of the kind of person we're dealing with here! Honestly, they only care about their own little world and what they want in the moment, and I truly believe they'll use every single resource at their disposal just to stay on top and keep everyone else under their thumb.
I honestly don't think there's any conversation in the world that could actually get her to listen to her own needs or feelings, because she just doesn't have that emotional capacity left in her! She’s so emotionally stunted and constantly views herself through this perfectly polished lens where she can do no wrong. In her mind, everyone else is always the villain, and she refuses to let anyone raise a single finger in criticism against her. It’s wild how she can flip from being a total tyrant to playing the helpless victim in the blink of an eye, switching up her entire persona whenever it suits her!
Honestly, trying to have a real conversation with someone like that is just a total waste of breath! The only thing you can actually do is set some rock-solid boundaries so they don't start messing with your peace of mind, because let's be real—they are practically just waiting for an excuse to dive in and shake things up if you let them.

Honestly, she just can't help herself—she's always trying to stick her nose into everyone's business, and it feels like absolutely nobody in this entire country can stand her!
It’s funny how things work out, isn't it? Even though her husband wasn't really meeting her needs, once she stopped being so hyper-focused on him and let go of all that neurotic energy, she just naturally started pouring all that attention into everyone else around her!
It’s honestly such a shame how she can't find a single nice thing to say about anyone today—not one person! It's just a total bummer.
I honestly don't say a single word about my neighbors, my "friends," or even my own family... I don't mention my kids or my grandkids either... absolutely nobody!

She’s back at it again, subtly nudging her way into my life to ask for help—you know, playing that "poor, helpless, elderly woman" card! We both know exactly what she's doing, and honestly, I’m definitely her softest touch. Whenever things start getting a little hectic or tough, I always end up stepping up to take care of my dear old mom.
My brother and sister aren't even bothering to try and guilt-trip me because they know that tactic just won't fly anymore! They've always been pretty indifferent to my drama anyway—they're definitely more the "take" type than the "give" type, if you know what I mean.
Honestly, there's just nothing left to grab—it’s all gone, plain and simple!
I honestly think it would just fall under probate, but since it’s already ours anyway, there’s really no point in stressing ourselves out or putting in extra effort to fight for it. I’m probably exaggerating a bit when I try to imagine how their logic works!

As soon as I stepped in to lend her a hand and help her navigate through all those struggles, she immediately started firing off these intense questions at me! She was asking why I wasn't protecting her from the chaos caused by her siblings, why we didn't shield her from her father when they were little, and even claiming that no mother out there would ever endure being treated that way by her own children. It was quite a whirlwind of emotions right after I thought I was just offering some simple support!
I made sure to let her know exactly where I stood, and honestly, it definitely wasn't the first time I had to set the record straight like that!
I remember one time when I finally just laid all the cards on the table and told her exactly how it was, and things actually got pretty heated physically! I ended up standing my ground because I just couldn't forget everything she had put my dad and the rest of us through, though honestly, I think she might actually respect me a little bit more now that I've shown her I won't be pushed around.
So, I finally decided to just lay it all out there and tell her exactly what was on my mind, and oh my goodness, it absolutely drove her wild! She completely lost it and just unleashed every single bit of negativity she had bottled up inside—it felt like she was dumping out everything from her soul, her heart, and her brain all at once!
Ugh, I’m such a sensitive soul, and honestly, I just need some quiet time to wash all that negativity off my skin!
I keep finding myself coming back to that one hard-learned lesson: the second you try to step in, she just lashes out at you! Honestly, it’s best to just maintain a respectful amount of distance—distance, distance, and more distance—regardless of how much she might be pleading for help. I remember a similar situation last summer when I tried to help a neighbor with their dog and ended up getting nipped, so I know how it goes! Next time around, someone else is going to have to step up and lend a hand.
I honestly find myself completely captivated by the way she’s choosing to spend what might be her final days!

"Trying to hunt down justice or seek revenge is just a fool's errand because it’ll drain you dry without ever giving you any peace of mind.
I also really feel like you understand how incredibly draining it is to deal with caring for someone that elderly and frail. First off, you are NOT OBLIGATED to do anything more than what your brothers and sisters do. "
Thanks, I totally agree, that was so enlightening...

"It sounds like you should have settled things with your mother a long time ago. Deep down, it's still eating at you because you just can't forgive her for how she acted and for your father passing away.
You really need to focus on yourself and work through that anger and pain internally, rather than reaching out to her again; otherwise, you're just going to get hurt all over again by this whole unfair mess happening both inside you and right in front of your eyes while you're stuck feeling powerless against her, your brother, and your sister.
If it feels right, just turn inward, try to heal those wounds, and maybe one day, when you're truly ready, tell her exactly how much anger you carry—not so she finally 'gets it,' but because saying it will be good for your own soul and emotions.
Narcissistic parents leave such deep scars on their kids, and honestly, on anyone forced to endure them. Narcissists walk our streets freely when they really belong in psychiatric clinics, because they mentally destroy perfectly normal people who end up broken and desperate for professional help. Don't let yourself be the one who has to live the hardest life just to end up at a therapist's office.😢

Thank you so much for posting, too! I always look forward to reading your stuff.
I was actually so happy to see your post pop up because I knew immediately it would be interesting, educational, honest, and just deeply human... my respect.

Yeah, cutting contact again is the only way; there's no other choice. And you just have to stop thinking about her.
Even being on this forum is such a great phase for me, and I'm genuinely happy whenever anyone joins in because this community helps me so much.
This has always been such a taboo subject. It's so healing to hear perspectives from people who haven't gone through this kind of torture and conditioning, or even from those who have lived through it and want to share their truth.

"What I don't get is why you're so driven to seek justice and worry about issues regarding your mother's old age."
Right? It's like I'm expected to clear my father's name by fighting for my own version of justice.
But that's just not possible, not in theory and definitely not in practice.
As for my mother's age—regardless of everything else, I thought she deserved at least a basic level of care as an elderly person, but the situation is such that you can't even give her basic dignity, mostly because she has none to give others and she never stops her toxic behavior.
There is just so much negativity built up in that house that everything constantly seems to be breaking down.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 21, 2015

Morgan Newman7;55930685 said:She's all about the material stuff; she thinks she's the boss and needs someone to cater to her every whim. The perfect solution is basically staring her in the face—hand over the house and the property to Social Services, and they can take care of her by placing her in a nursing home.

Thanks Morgan Newman7 for your response! Honestly, five bucks wouldn't even cover the stress here.
It’s honestly terrifying how something like this can be swept under the rug for fifty whole years without anyone saying a word.
But no way, I am absolutely not letting her ruin my life.
When it comes to my kids, I made sure to protect them from her influence because I truly expected her to treat them with the same respect she showed me.
I never let her use those old tactics on them, and I made sure to let her know, quite politely, that she shouldn't even dream of trying it.
There were definitely some tense moments, but I stepped in immediately to shield my children and shut things down.
As the kids grew up, they started seeing for themselves that our family dynamics were just... off, and that she had these incredibly bizarre ways of operating. Depending on how old they were, I'd tell them they needed to come to me right away if anything felt weird whenever they were alone with her.
Nowadays, my kids know a huge chunk of our family history. I feel like it's only fair they hear the truth directly from me, rather than finding out ten or fifteen years down the line through some distorted version of events from someone else.
Growing up, we weren't allowed to speak the truth in our household. It feels like such a massive relief to finally turn things around within my own family.
People say that kids can actually handle a lot more than you'd think, as long as you talk to them openly and honestly about what's going on.
If I hadn't been upfront with them, they wouldn't have understood why our relationships and behaviors were the way they were.
Because I told them, they understand the situation perfectly, and since they aren't close enough to her to feel like they're "missing" her, it's much easier.

And regarding that idea about moving into a facility and handing over the estate.
She would absolutely lose her mind if she ended up in a nursing home while having three grown children. She'd be spiraling about what the neighbors would say, or what the rest of the family would think—all that "Oh, the shame, how could THIS happen to ME..." nonsense—if I were to paraphrase her thoughts.
But honestly, that doesn't bother me one bit, and from what I can see, it doesn't bother my sister or brother either.
BUT the mere thought that some entity like Social Services would have any control over her precious property, her square footage, or her belongings... man, that would probably send her straight to an early grave.
She couldn't handle it; she wouldn't survive it.
That would be a level of pain beyond anything else.
Yep, that's just who she is.

Anyway, I'll see how things play out with my sister and brother.
My relationship with my brother has really evolved lately, and that means the world to me.
Now that we're older, we can finally build a real bond without her constantly pulling the strings.
With my sister, though, it's a different story; she's a very complicated person. Her behavior swings wildly, and she blames everyone else for everything in her life—especially our mother—which just makes zero sense to me. I mean, living your life by pointing fingers at others? We all had choices, and she could have cut ties with our mother a long time ago if she wanted to. She could have seen the light sooner, but she's only just now starting to wake up to reality.
I get where she's coming from, though; she's just a messy, often two-faced person, and that's just how she is.
Everyone faces consequences, and she's no exception.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 19, 2015

If you can at all, please just let go of any thoughts regarding revenge or seeking confrontation.
It’s bound to happen eventually, much like in many other families here in the States, where discussions start popping up about who’s going to support Mom or how the inheritance will be split up.
It is honestly so tough to give advice on this kind of thing, but I’ll tell you, I’ve seen siblings completely turn on each other the moment caretaking for a frail parent or the prospect of an inheritance comes into play.
My best advice? Just trust your gut and don't let anyone talk you into anything you aren't comfortable with.

Hmm...
My brother and sister are close, but they have absolutely no intention of stepping up to help her.
Right now, my brother isn't even in contact with her, and my sister reaches out very rarely.
As for me, we aren't close either—it's not even an option for her to come stay with me.
Regarding caregiving, there's this unspoken agreement among us that nobody is willing, or even prepared, to take on that responsibility. So, if things reach a breaking point, she'll likely have to move into an assisted living facility, which I don't feel is our burden to carry.
It would be a huge deal for her, though; she'd probably throw a massive fit, but we'll just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
She was always such a dominant force, you know? Everything was always strictly on her terms.
I know it's hard to let go of material things, but at this stage in her life, those possessions aren't helping her one bit—she needs people, not stuff.
Well, it is what it is; I just hope we can all get through this peacefully and maintain as much dignity as possible.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 19, 2015

Brenda Booth5 said:I find myself agreeing with the folks on this thread above.
I know it’s much easier said than done, but just let it go... it’s like tossing extra weight overboard from an overloaded ship to stay afloat.
When you weigh the value of seeking some kind of revenge—whether through the legal system or just on a personal level—against the sheer value of emotional freedom, the latter is infinitely more beautiful and much better for your health.
If you keep pouring your energy into her, it’ll be like digging through a pile of trash that just keeps getting smellier by the day.
Just let it wash away...

Brenda, that kind of thing is just heavy baggage you have to carry forever.
I think we all trip up sometimes, but most people actually pick up a lesson from their mistakes along the way, whereas she hasn't learned a single thing—it's honestly pretty shocking.
Yeah, it stinks, it absolutely stinks 🙂...
I probably should have jumped into that other discussion about toxic parents earlier, since I can see my crowd is already hanging out over there.
Seriously, just let it go and move on!!

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 19, 2015

neonmason86 said:An investigation? Honestly, my advice is to stop picking at that wound.
Dad is gone. You know exactly how he lived and everything he endured. Just hold onto his memory and cut those three dysfunctional people out of your life. For good.
Let Mom indulge in her own malice and insanity, and let those two continue playing her satellites. They don't know any better.
Seeking some kind of admission won't bring you peace.
What you wrote is awful; it reminds me so much of a situation in my own family.
Do yourself a favor. Start seeing a therapist to try and deal with all that massive emotional baggage.
In fact, the best thing you could possibly do is just physically move away from that environment.
Don't let them pull you back into it again.

Thanks Darky, I really appreciate you responding to me.
I actually love what you said because it paints such a clear picture of what the future looks like and how these relationships might play out under the circumstances, which gives me a perfect blueprint for how to handle this whole mess.
Plus, it serves as a great warning not to get sucked back in.
And oh man, those situations always try their hardest to drag you right back into the same old pattern.
It would be a lot easier to walk away if she weren't elderly and sick, but since she is, I feel like I'm stuck in this constant tug-of-war between my head and my heart.
That internal battle is just absolutely exhausting.
It's so incredibly tough when you're so deeply intertwined in the story; everything seems so obvious on paper, yet these emotions and this need to be moral and compassionate just keep messing with me, so lately I've been trying to listen to different perspectives from people on the outside.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 19, 2015

Raymond Walker5 said:First off, based on how you've laid this out, I’m getting the impression you aren't exactly a spring chicken yourself, and your mother sounds like an ancient, rambling tyrant who somehow still manages to hold everyone hostage.
If your father couldn't find a way—for whatever supposedly "objective" reasons—to distance himself from a woman who sounds like she stepped straight out of a horror movie, then I have to ask: why are you following in his footsteps? Are you really planning on letting her drive you into the ground too?

It's time to stop giving these ghosts from your past any power. Does trying to prove she's a monster actually give you some kind of psychological payoff? Honestly, your greatest win would be just walking away. If you have your own life, your own kids, or anything else that matters, focus on that instead of wasting your mental energy on someone who doesn't deserve even a second of your attention.

To me, it looks like you're looking for a war where the only prize is a hollow victory. For what? What do you actually gain? What do your brother or sister get out of this?
Are you trying to avenge your father's passing that way? Whether you want to admit it or not, he had a choice to walk away. He could have chosen to stop letting her outbursts and toxic behavior carry so much weight, but clearly, he didn't. Instead of dismissing her as a complete non-entity in his life, he kept engaging.

I know, it's easy for me to play general in someone else's battle, but I really want to point out that you need to stop obsessing over people and situations you can't change. They don't deserve your headspace. Start focusing on building your own happiness instead.
Forgive her, just so you can finally have some peace of mind for your own sake, and frankly, screw her.

Thanks for the response.
I actually cut ties with her a long time ago, but life has a funny way of creating situations where contact happens anyway.
Now that she's older, she's struggling with a lot of things and dealing with health issues, so she needs help.
Naturally, she tries to use her age and frailty as a way to exert control.
It's really tough to turn your back on someone in that state.

And yeah, winning that kind of fight would be totally hollow; that's definitely not what I'm after.
I only brought up my siblings as a hypothetical since they've both been completely silent about all of this.
I have forgiven her, but every single time we talk, it turns into another argument.
It’s always the exact same pattern, over and over again.
Some things will only truly settle once she passes... which is sad, but also a relief.

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Parents... pure hell in Psychology & Therapy · Oct 16, 2015

I would absolutely love to hear what you all think about this!
My parents tied the knot when they were just kids, which was pretty much the standard way to do things back in the States about seventy years ago! They ended up having three children—an oldest son, a middle daughter, and then me, the baby of the family. Looking back, since I’ve been around, that marriage was nothing short of a living nightmare. My mother was just completely, utterly miserable, and she took it out on my father every single day; we're talking a relentless, 24/7 cycle of torment. She would tear him down with constant verbal abuse and insults from every possible angle, and she even went as far as trying to brainwash us kids into hating him, constantly telling us he was absolutely worthless.

My oldest son and middle daughter were actually really cooperative about following those rules, but my youngest little girl? Well, she decided to march to the beat of her own drum instead!
My mother basically chose to embrace my two siblings because they played along with her vision, while she constantly pushed me away and punished me just because I stayed loyal to my dad and kept that close bond with him!
My dad was such a gentle soul and an incredibly hard worker who seemed to be grinding away twenty-four seven, always building something new! He was the kind of man who would stand up against any kind of bullying, though I have to admit he’d let things slide here and there over the decades, maybe after having one too many drinks at the local pub. He spent so much time just swallowing his pride and taking things on the chin, but every once in a while, he’d lose his cool and smash a chair just to let all that built-up frustration out.
My mom had such a unique way of raising us; she really handled every single one of her kids differently, almost like she was running a masterclass in divide and conquer to make sure she stayed firmly in control!
My older brother and sister never once brought up the whole situation with our father to Mom; they just spent decades watching everything unfold right in front of them, quietly pretending they didn't see a thing!
My youngest daughter decided she’d had enough of her mother's strict rules and actually ran away from that chaotic lifestyle when she was only sixteen!
My brother and sister both started their own families, but they've basically been leaning on Mom and Dad for everything under the sun!
I actually moved away to start over, and let me tell you, the road to becoming truly independent and building my own family and finding a place to call home was such an intense journey! I had to navigate some really tough seasons without any outside help, but honestly, standing on my own two feet today makes every single struggle worth it.
My dad and I have always managed to stay incredibly close, no matter what life throws our way!
As the years drift by, it’s heartbreaking to see how Mom and Dad have mostly ended up on their own, especially since she seems to seize every single opportunity just to hurt him. He usually doesn't say a word, just quietly retreating into his work to find some peace.
It’s just one of those heavy, heartbreaking things where you realize that sometimes, when the weight of everything becomes too much to carry, a father simply can't hold on any longer and takes his own life.
My mom briefly played along with the whole "I didn't see anything" act, but my brother and sister just kept their mouths shut like they always do, acting like nothing was even happening! I am honestly losing my mind from the sheer pain of it all—the injustice, the silence, and the way everyone is just burying the truth... it’s just overwhelming.
They’re all just huddling up together in one big group and completely blowing me off!
It’s been years since my father passed away, and I honestly thought this would be the season where Mom could finally just sit back, breathe, and enjoy some well-deserved peace and quiet. Instead, she’s still right in the thick of it, constantly battling with the old crew—you know, her own kids!
She just can't seem to find any peace within herself, you know? I was chatting with a friend about this the other day, and it really struck me how some people just struggle to be at rest with their own thoughts.
It’s honestly so wild to see how some siblings act—they’ll put on this big show of being super close for a few minutes, but you can just tell there isn't any real substance behind it! Growing up in my house, Mom never really pushed that "we have to be best friends" vibe; she didn't raise us to force that kind of closeness or constant affection if it wasn't naturally there.
Honestly, even as adults, we’re all out here just trying our best to move past it, but man, it's such an uphill battle because the progress isn't linear at all—we’re constantly riding these massive emotional waves!
In the meantime, my mom has definitely aged, though she’s still just as wild as ever! My brother and sister have finally started standing up to her old-school controlling ways, which is such a relief because they’re really starting to see through her games now that they've finally found their footing.
They just don't have the heart to stand their ground because they feel so indebted to everything that person has done for them over the years, but they’re still trying to create some distance—even if they aren't quite ready to have that big, heavy conversation about it yet!
It’s been about fifteen years since my father passed away, and out of nowhere, my brother just handed me this farewell letter he wrote. It was such an emotional moment because, in it, he’s actually pleading for forgiveness for what he did, explaining that he simply reached his breaking point and couldn't handle her constant harassment anymore.
So, my brother basically kept this letter a total secret for fifteen years, but after getting caught up in some major drama with our mom, he finally decided to open up and show it to me!
There isn’t a single way to make sure that letter actually finds its way into her mother's hands!
I was just chatting with my mom earlier and I let her know that Dad actually left behind a letter where he tried to lay out his side of the story, which honestly feels pretty ironic because everyone already knew the truth regardless of what he wrote!
He could have easily lashed out at her and ended up behind bars, but instead, he chose to take all that frustration out on himself.
Honestly, he really could have walked away from her if he wanted to, but let’s be real—he practically had nowhere else to go since he built his entire life right there where they lived together! It’s just wild how she always insisted that everything belonged to her, even though she wasn't exactly contributing a single dime to the household income.
Honestly, I really think she’s just playing the classic manipulation game with us!
He was honestly just standing there on the sidewalk, completely lost and having absolutely no clue how to turn things around!
When I told my mom that Dad made it crystal clear exactly why he took her life away from her, she just burst out laughing! She looked me right in the eye and said he really should have pulled the trigger on that thirty years ago.

I’ve been sitting here wondering how to navigate this, but I really wanted to ask: what's the best way to move forward when you're trying to maintain any kind of relationship at all with a sibling or a parent?
It’s just heartbreaking when my brother and sister continue to sweep everything under the rug while Mom sits there smiling sweetly at a man who spent his whole life struggling through such hard times.
Well, I suppose in a way it was his choice since he never really fought back; he just didn't have the heart to walk away from everything he built or to get dragged into messy legal battles over the estate...
I know it all too well.
But he’s gone now, and she’s honestly lost her mind, just mocking and laughing at her own failures...
My brother and sister want to complain about how she treats them, but they won't say a single word about our father, who gave them both so much emotional support and a significant portion of his legacy.
The bottom line: we've got a sadistic mother, a brother and sister who act like helpless infants, and me, absolutely fuming at the way everyone is behaving.
It’s almost like our dad was just some stray dog in the neighborhood that nobody felt responsible for.
He provided so much for everyone; personally, I didn't get much in terms of money, but I never asked for it and never gave it a second thought.
Before he passed, he actually told me he regretted leaving me with the least when I was the one who truly needed him most.
I just told him it didn't matter, because what really matters is that we loved and respected each other, and I truly believe we did.

I can't help but wonder if an investigation were ever launched based on his letters—what would my brother and sister actually say if they were forced to face the truth and take responsibility? I wonder if they'd finally be forced to confront their own consciences, or if their own selfish interests would still be the only thing they care about...

Both my parents knew she was the dominant force in the family, though in the worst possible way.
They knew she would never, ever back down.
We all saw it coming.
Dad even built the house on her land.
Even now, she refuses to relent, yet the three of us can't seem to get on the same page to point out the absolute chaos she’s caused in our lives and continues to impose on us.
On the outside, we play it cool like everything is fine, but on the inside, we are a complete wreck.
I even find myself wishing she would pass away, just hoping for some kind of peace once she's gone.
Though, given how dysfunctional our sibling relationships are and how much we lack true closeness, love, and respect, I suspect these broken ties will just drag on forever.
There is just way too much resentment between us, too much history to move past.

That was a lot... sorry... I couldn't keep it short!

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