Posts by Timothy Cook4

Jonathan Hayes said:True enough. But you *do* get to decide if you're going to stick around in a relationship where you feel miserable and can't even trust the person next to you...

I agree. Yet, there is a significant distinction between lacking trust due to one's own past experiences and losing that trust because an outside influence managed to undermine it.
If I had found myself in a situation where my distrust stemmed solely from my own previous life lessons, I wouldn't have stayed with that person for even a single moment longer.

boldnomad45 said:You aren't causing the drama. You simply invited it into your life by choosing this kind of partner.

The truth is, one does not simply choose who they fall for. By the time things shifted into such an intense emotional territory, I was completely unaware that it was even happening.

boldnomad45 said:Exactly this. You need a support system, a friend, maybe a therapist to heal those wounds. If you mistake a romantic partner for a therapist, you're heading for disaster. Start working on yourself. You're seeking out partners who can fix you, just as you try to fix them. It doesn't work. Deal with your own issues and seek professional help for that. Until you actually understand and accept yourself, you'll just keep cycling through these toxic, dramatic relationships.

I am quite aware of that reality. However, I wouldn't say I am the one creating the drama; rather, whenever a conflict arises, I tend to take things far too personally, which leads to feelings of insecurity and makes everything much more complicated than it needs to be.

boldnomad45 said:It's because he's unstable. Period. You need to figure out why all this is acceptable to you. Why did you unconsciously choose drama? Why are you drawn to someone this broken? Maybe it's so you don't have to deal with your own mess. It's easier to blame someone else, to analyze him, rather than face yourself, your loneliness, or whatever else is there. Realize this: until you start working on yourself, you'll always end up in another drama.

I suppose what you said holds some truth. I did attempt to start with myself. When these difficulties first emerged, I found myself repeatedly asking him if I was truly enough for him... many times over... and my lack of self-assurance was something he found somewhat amusing. As for why I fell in love and why I yearn to be with him—it is because he was the very first person who, during my moments of deepest insecurity, would essentially "slam his hand on the table" to prove to me just how capable and worthy I truly am. He has never allowed anyone to speak ill of me; he listens to me with an intensity I have never experienced elsewhere. He offers such unwavering support, even when I am busy defending my own father against him, yet he also possesses the ability to open my eyes to my own faults so clearly that I am moved to tears.
That is precisely what I fell in love with, which is why it is currently so excruciatingly difficult; we are facing the fallout of a third party, combined with my own inability to grasp the need for space from someone who is battling his own internal storms.
Being with him is incredibly taxing... especially with someone who seems to live under a constant emotional blockade, where you can only discern their love through their actions rather than their words. It is difficult, but I must admit that I am also being difficult, which is painfully obvious. It breaks my heart to realize that I have become a burden to him because of this entire situation, and that realization causes me such immense pain and exhaustion. This is why I struggle to maintain patience, though I know I must; until I can find peace within my own heart, I fear we won't even be able to remain friends. :-(

Jonathan Hayes said:Wait, let me get this straight—you guys have only been together four months and he's cheating?
I'm confused, because on the other hand, you're saying he loves you and you're the only one he "feels" anything for.
I get the impression you've taken this relationship much deeper and more serious than he actually has.
Reading what you wrote about how he treats you, it sounds like he's getting on your nerves and probably wishes you'd just "chill out" a little.

No, we have actually been together for seven months. The first four were absolutely wonderful, but then those rumors regarding his infidelity began to circulate.

To clarify, I was the one attempting to slow things down in the beginning, whereas he was the one pushing for a much deeper level of intimacy. After five months, our relationship began to deteriorate because my lack of trust started to fray his patience. I feel as though I need to ease up somewhat just so we can finally sit down and have a real conversation. It isn't strictly necessary for us to remain a couple—and truthfully, given everything that has transpired, we probably won't stay together—but I certainly don't want us to become enemies. If he truly is innocent in all of this, and if our breakup is merely the result of outside jealousy, I would hate for there to be any lasting bitterness between us.

boldnomad45 said:You are unstable. This whole drama with a friend feeding you theories about infidelity? That's textbook instability. He is already unstable and needs peace and consistency because his mental state is shaky. Realize that even a minor issue could push him over the edge. It’s probably better if he isn't in a relationship at all.

I certainly understand the logic behind that perspective, yet I find that life rarely presents itself in such starkly black and white terms.
It is difficult for me to grasp why he maintains such a distance from me—someone he truly respects—until I have completely calmed down, whereas he allows those who constantly insult and belittle him to continue doing so without consequence. It is as if they think, "He’s an idiot, but I’ll fix him," and so he remains categorized among people he doesn't value. Conversely, regarding me, he honestly tells his brother that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, yet the moment I experience a moment of panic or distress, he leaves me to simmer on a low flame until I regain my composure.
I simply cannot make sense of why he doesn't apply the same social policies to me as he does to others. For instance, he maintains a friendship with his ex, even though she openly calls him a pig or an idiot in public... despite the fact that during their time together, he was driven to the brink of suicide. But with me, he views me as a fulfilled individual with my own mind, a transformed and new person while we are together; I would never disparage him, yet he refuses to allow me even the slightest hint of sympathy or vulnerability.
He will go out of his way to repair the roof for someone who stabbed him in the back, fully aware of their betrayal, yet he refuses to let them get close to him. Meanwhile, if I seek any sort of validation or explanation, I am immediately placed on standby until I settle down.
This is precisely the issue that has cost me my peace of mind and fueled all our disagreements. It isn't really about that pseudo-friend; it is about his reaction toward me. He does not permit me, as someone in whom he has built deep trust and respect, to ever have an emotional outburst.
It is as if, were I to have committed a crime against half of his family, he would view me as an enemy, yet he would still step up to help me because he is fundamentally a good man. As for me, even though we have broken up, I still bring him food whenever I see him and look after him; he clearly appreciates this and I can still see that he loves me, but the very instant I bring up one of our recurring problems, he pierces me with a single, freezing look.

boldnomad45 said:Leave him alone. Someone dealing with all those diagnoses and medications needs peace and stability. You seem pretty unstable yourself. If you actually care about him as a human being, let him find some peace in his life.

It isn't that I am inherently unstable; rather, I feel as though I am losing my mind because I am encountering this kind of behavior for the very first time. It isn't that I desire a breakup, but I certainly need some distance.
It is incredibly difficult to say that I should just walk away, because doing so wouldn't be for our sake, but rather for the sake of a third party.
I don't believe anyone could remain composed in my position, receiving accusations of infidelity from a jealous friend—someone I have known for four years—regarding a man I have only been seeing for four months.
It is hard to accept his sudden withdrawal when I know it stems from the overwhelming baggage of his past relationship rather than any actual flirting on his part.
We shared such a profound connection because we have navigated similar struggles, though he eventually buckled under the pressure while I managed to stay upright.
Breaking up because of someone else—someone whom we both agree is a toxic individual—is an agonizing prospect.
That is precisely where the conflict lies.
He leaned on me for everything; during our time together, he was actually quite a decent person, holding onto these optimistic visions that he would eventually make something of himself.
For those first four months, he was a completely different man, but now, he has descended into this state of crisis.

No, that isn't quite the crux of the matter. He truly loved me in the most profound sense imaginable, right up until the moment all that infidelity and third-party nonsense began. After a certain point, he started to drift away, though a breakup was never even a consideration on his part; it only fell apart because I was the one who finally reached my breaking point.
It strikes me as somewhat absurd, and frankly, quite baffling, that ever since I've known him, he has insisted on labeling himself as "emo." He talks about being emotionally numb—as if he could just take a Xanax and switch off—claiming he feels absolutely nothing, yet when it came to me, he was capable of genuine connection and would let his guard down, something he still doesn't deny today. But once the betrayal started, he simply retreated behind this impenetrable emotional wall.
He has his own little obsessions, those private escapes where he hides from the rest of the world. Honestly, at this stage, he’s likely too checked out to notice if an alien spacecraft were to land right in the middle of Times Square.
All things considered, it is incredibly difficult, because any other man would have just been blunt and said, "I don't care anymore," or "We're done."
But with him... it feels like waiting for Godot while he remains locked in this solitary, internal struggle against himself.
It is heavy, and the truth is, I love him. I am still caught in this limbo, unsure if this is truly the final goodbye or not. I find myself struggling with the uncertainty; my entire worldview tends to be very black and white, and then he arrives, complicating everything with his endless shades of gray.

I suppose you have a valid point there. It is simply that, in hindsight, I had no way of discerning whether his behavior was stemming from his own mental struggles or if he was actually being unfaithful. However, I cannot deny that you are right. I find myself feeling an immense sense of regret, and quite frankly, I am struggling to find any semblance of peace within myself at this moment.

Michelle Murphy61 said:Based on how you’ve described this relationship—it's pretty clear you're the common denominator here. You listened to outside noise instead of trusting your partner, triggered the breakup yourself, and now you're still causing him grief.

Yes, I am aware. To be perfectly honest, we have never truly discussed that specific detail—namely, the brain surgery. We simply paused our conversation at the points I elaborated on slightly more extensively above.
Given my familiarity with the full extent of his other physical traumas, I can confirm that he was never diagnosed with osteoma, nor did he ever require neurosurgery for any other reason.

Michelle Evans said:Was that part of his psychiatric treatment? Psychosurgery is prohibited under US federal law.

He is struggling with severe depression at the moment and is currently tapering off his Zyprexa medication. He has dealt with several suicide attempts and underwent brain surgery—specifically a resection to remove a small piece of tissue, though I must admit the exact medical term escapes my memory right now. This led to significant issues with aggressive outbursts directed toward certain people in his life, but thankfully, his current therapy has helped stabilize him somewhat.
As you can see, I am not entirely well-versed in the clinical details; after everything that transpired, I didn't want to dwell on those dark moments while we were actually happy together, especially since he is already so profoundly dissatisfied with himself in every possible way.
The depression is certainly there. As for whether there is an official diagnosis beyond that—I don't believe so—but he is undoubtedly dealing with far more complications than I am. While I also struggle with depression, mine feels less like a clinical pathology and more like a persistent mental state born from constant overthinking and a chronic lack of self-confidence.

Jonathan Hayes said:So, what’s his actual diagnosis?

To be quite honest, I have been in a relationship for about six months now with a man who relies on heavy-duty antidepressants alongside several other ongoing medications. His history is quite heavy; he has struggled with severe depression, made a few suicide attempts, and even underwent neurosurgery to address issues with his brain chemistry—I seem to have forgotten the specific medical term for that procedure, though perhaps someone here might recognize it. All of this occurred before we met, so when he entered my life, he was already navigating these pharmaceutical supports. He is the kind of person who feels an urgent need to stay constantly occupied just to keep his own thoughts at bay, largely because he struggles deeply with self-satisfaction. Over time, however, he has worked hard to manage his anger and ensure he never engages in physical confrontations.
Following some turmoil caused by a third party who refused to respect our relationship, his demeanor shifted significantly. Because I am certainly no expert in psychology, I began misinterpreting his periods of withdrawal as typical male behaviors—assuming things like infidelity or a simple lack of interest. Despite his emotional distance, and despite my constant pressure on him, he remained adamant that he did not want to end the relationship.

We eventually broke up, but only after I badgered him thirty different times one evening while we were out in a crowded place, asking if he truly wanted to end things. Now, I find the aftermath much more difficult than the relationship itself. Perhaps most painfully, I allowed a third person—who turned out to be a toxic influence—to poison my perception of him.
For the past month, I have been sending him several messages every single day. We still see each other once a week at his workplace, but he is understandably angry with me due to my constant texting and what he describes as my "psychotic state." Yes, my own psychotic state.
The truth is, I never actually wanted this breakup; I am still far too in love with him... currently, he is simply waiting for me to calm down and stop driving him to the brink with these incessant messages...

Could someone please help me make sense of his behavior or offer some guidance? I would specifically value input from someone who has actually lived through clinical depression and managed medication. Treating him like an "average guy" without acknowledging his mental health reality has led us into these profound difficulties.