4 posts shown.
Donna White50 said:Well, there’s the connection right there. Your dad—where you ended up taking all the blame on yourself, thinking as a little kid that you were somehow at fault for him leaving. Most kids naturally shoulder the blame for their parents' marriage falling apart because, let’s face it, all a child wants is for Mom and Dad to be there and love them. When they aren't, the kid feels abandoned and starts believing they just weren't good enough to earn that parental love. Kids struggle to grasp the idea that parents can just not get along and end up divorcing, especially if the parents don't know how to explain it to them in a way that actually makes sense.
Why am I talking about blame? Because when we feel guilty about something, we tend to compromise our own principles—we swallow our pride, bow down, and basically degrade ourselves just to show someone how sorry we are. And besides the guilt, there's fear, obviously. Like, you don't want to lose a friend or someone you rely on, so that fear and guilt combined usually make us wonder if we messed up, leading us to apologize even when maybe we shouldn't. If that fear and guilt get too overwhelming, you kind of lose touch with reality. You might find yourself apologizing to someone who doesn't even deserve it, just because your own fear forces you to take the fall. It’s a really destructive cycle...
Losing your father triggers this massive, existential fear in you that's still hanging around today, probably because you haven't fully processed it. There’s also that deep sense of guilt, and maybe some self-doubt, if you feel like you can't keep a partner or make things work. That’s why you can't handle a breakup, no matter how toxic the guy is. Better a bad partner than no partner at all, right? So, that inner child in you is working overtime to "earn Dad's love"—which basically translates to trying to hold onto a man at any cost. That’s likely the psychology keeping you stuck in these bad relationships. It might even be why you gravitate toward certain types of people or fall for empty attention; you're essentially starving for that fatherly love, still mourning him and looking for him in every guy you meet...😉
Maybe sit with those thoughts for a bit—think about what you actually feel toward your dad, what scared you, what you went through after he left, and how much all that shaped your definition of love and what you look for in a partner. Does the pain you feel in your relationships have anything to do with the pain from losing your dad? Are you actually looking for a partner to share a life with, or are you just searching for a substitute for him?
I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.
boldnomad45 said:Start focusing on yourself. Where does that impulse come from? Did you grow up having to play savior to one of your parents? Something like that.
Once you start digging into your own psychology, these fantasies about "saving" people will vanish. You'll actually feel sick once you realize why you were drawn to it in the first place.
And honestly, be glad he found someone else. At least he left you alone.
Go check out the threads on domestic abuse; you'll see just how close you came to ending up in a truly dangerous situation.
My dad left when I was a kid, and they actually have a lot in common—he's a pretty bad person too... I guess maybe there's a connection there. It seems like whenever a guy tries to walk away from me, I just get even more desperate and feel like I'd do anything just to make him stay.
We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.
I’ve been looking around, but I can't find a thread quite like this, so feel free to move this if I missed it. I’m in a relationship with someone who basically has all the worst traits imaginable: he drinks too much and uses drugs pretty frequently. He grew up in a really messy household with domestic violence and an alcoholic father... It shows. He’s constantly on edge, irritable, and I’ve caught him in lies so many times. He cheated on me, he rarely keeps his word unless there’s something in it for him, and it's just constant. At first, though, everything felt perfect. He was calm, sensitive, and actually made an effort to understand me. Everything seemed fine. We spent almost every waking moment together from day one, and honestly, we started experimenting with stuff together early on and were having fun, getting along well... until the cheating happened. He begged for another chance, and I gave it to him, but naturally, I became paranoid. I’d snap at him whenever he even touched his phone. Then, about a month ago, he started getting drunk almost every single day. He turned aggressive—insulting me, swearing at me, just being the absolute worst. It’s become this endless cycle where he gets aggressive, I end up in tears, and then he just laughs at me for crying. He claims I'm driving him crazy by not trusting him, acting like my suspicion is totally baseless. Eventually, it escalated to him hitting me. I’ve had bruises on my arms and legs more often than I’d like to admit. But despite the daily insults and the physical abuse, I just can't seem to leave him. That’s the real issue. I keep clinging to those good moments, even though they're getting rare, and I keep thinking about how he was at the start. I keep hoping he’ll stop behaving this way, but it feels like no matter what I do, he'll always find something to complain about. And I've heard stories that he was just like this with his exes, too... I don't know how to fix this part of myself—this urge to try and "repair" someone instead of refusing to be humiliated. I feel like I can endure anything; I've never actually walked away from anyone, no matter how they treated me. I know that's not healthy, but I can't help it. I just really want to finally be able to end a relationship like this.