Posts by wanderinggull11

Joseph Bailey41 said:Have you ever considered looking into a partial hospitalization program or a day hospital?

No. What even is that?

Joseph Bailey41 said:Have you actually been able to talk things through with anyone, or did they just hand you the meds and tell you to come back for a follow-up in a month?

I talked to my private psychiatrist. I’ve got another appointment tomorrow, so we'll see what he says. The worst part is I can't afford actual psychotherapy. If only the clinics covered by my insurance offered it, things would be different.

Joseph Bailey41 said:It sounds like you got trapped in that high-stress situation, and when we're under that kind of pressure, rational thinking basically goes out the window. When you try to force yourself against something you don't actually want, but feel like you can't fight off, you just end up piling on even more stress. I'm not sure exactly which medication you're on, but the goal is for it to help pull you out of this headspace. To make things move along a little smoother, try to focus on small things that used to bring you joy, no matter how trivial they seem. Go for a walk, watch the trees bloom, get lost in a book, or go out and buy the most expensive chocolate bar you can find. Just try to find those tiny moments.

I started taking Anafranil twice a day at 25 mg plus Lexapro. Now I'm dealing with side effects, and that stupid suicidal feeling hasn't even left yet.

wanderinggull11 said:I think I know where this started. It hit its peak during a massive period of anxiety from a stressful situation I was dealing with. It's been dragging me down ever since. But the last ten days? They've been brutal. This thing convinced me that I actually *want* this. That's how it feels. I've lost my drive, my motivation, my will—everything. I can't do anything because there's this constant internal feeling that I want to end it all and that I truly mean it. No logic works against it anymore. I started taking Anafranil today, 25 mg twice a day. Hopefully, it helps clear the fog so I can actually think rationally again.

The worst part is being unable to shake the sensation that I actually want this. Every time I try to tell myself "no," it feels useless. Like it's already decided. I started the Anafranil, so hopefully it helps me fight this state—help me finally say "no" and just live a normal life.

Joseph Bailey41 said:It makes sense that you feel lost. A "short-circuited brain" isn't exactly great at looking ahead—it mostly just struggles with everything that's already happened. Just let it play out for a moment. That one thought that started this whole avalanche didn't just pop out of thin air. Can you remember what you were thinking right before that? Something along the lines of... wanting to just give up, disappear, or just sink into the ground?

I think I know where this started. It hit its peak during a massive period of anxiety from a stressful situation I was dealing with. It's been dragging me down ever since. But the last ten days? They've been brutal. This thing convinced me that I actually *want* this. That's how it feels. I've lost my drive, my motivation, my will—everything. I can't do anything because there's this constant internal feeling that I want to end it all and that I truly mean it. No logic works against it anymore. I started taking Anafranil today, 25 mg twice a day. Hopefully, it helps clear the fog so I can actually think rationally again.

Joseph Bailey41 said:First you have a thought that seems irrational, and then you fight with everything you've got to prove it isn't, simply because admitting it might mean admitting you're acting foolishly. 😁

In other words, your ego is messing with you.

I don't know. It's like my brain is broken. I can't tell myself I don't want it; deep down, I know I do. How am I supposed to get out of this?

Hey everyone. I'm back. Things have taken a turn for the worse—it's a total disaster. My own thoughts finally convinced me that this is what I want. Every reason I had to stay alive just didn't hold any weight. No matter what I tell myself, it all leads back to wanting out. The last few days have been brutal; I've felt pathetic and completely broken. Even when I went out for some exercise yesterday, the urge was right there, constant and overwhelming. I ended up seeing a private psychiatrist since the local clinic couldn't see me for another month. They put me on Anafranil and Lexapro. I'm just hoping this settles down and passes.

I honestly can't find a way to convince myself that I don't want it. It hits me hardest when I start spiraling about the past or the future—thinking about who I want to be, where I should be looking, all that stuff. I'm starting to worry I'm losing my mind because the urge feels so damn convincing. How am I supposed to talk myself out of this? How do I tell myself it's a bad idea? I went to see a therapist, laid out everything, and they just sat there nodding along. Nothing changed. Every time I try to tell myself I don't want it, some part of me—this gut feeling—just screams that I do.

Hey everyone, thanks for getting back to me. Today at work, my thoughts were hitting so hard I actually felt physically weak. Had to take some Advil, but even that didn't help. Did I get anything done? Who knows. It’s just this constant loop. For the past few days, I've been stuck in this headspace where I genuinely feel like I want out. It’s moved past thinking; it’s become a feeling. I feel like I want this, and I don't know how to flip the switch. All those logical reasons I used to give myself to stay—they're all falling apart. I'm left with nothing. My mind keeps racing toward the future, but I have zero goals. I was at the gym today just feeling like a dead weight. No motivation. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Even grabbing coffee with coworkers feels exhausting; I just sit there in silence because I have no patience left. This started as a trivial thought I dismissed as nonsense, but it haunted me for days until it turned into this deep-seated certainty. I can't talk myself out of it anymore. I saw a therapist today and vented for an hour, but they just sat there nodding. It didn't make me feel any better. It gets to the point where I hate myself. I feel completely incapable. It’s like I truly want to die, and meanwhile, every reason I had to live is evaporating—especially since the things I used to care about don't matter to me anymore. Honestly, I doubt my girlfriend would even care what state I'm in. How am I supposed to prove to myself that I won't go through with it? I try to tell myself "it's just thoughts," but it goes deeper than that. It's a gut feeling now. It's crawled inside me.

Here I am. I feel absolutely terrible. I have zero motivation left for anything. These thoughts have completely drained my willpower. They aren't just passing thoughts anymore—they’ve turned into actual feelings, and they've finally convinced me that this is what I want. My God, what have I gotten myself into? Maybe I'm having a psychotic break if I'm feeling this certain.

Peter Murphy6 said:Ask yourself why these exact thoughts keep looping—maybe you’ve felt this way before and just shoved it down deep.
Start with "why." It might not even be the stress itself; sometimes stress just turns up the volume on stuff that was already there.

You're right. I remember watching an NBA game once and thinking the player would kill himself if he missed a free throw—then he missed. I fought it because I knew it was total nonsense. Those obsessive thoughts kept coming back, but I ignored them. I didn't give them any weight. But today at work, I got hit with this thought: what if I actually want to kill myself? It spiraled into me feeling like I *want* to, or even that I *have* to. I guess those are just intrusive thoughts. I'll try to listen to you guys. Let the thoughts exist without giving them any power. Maybe I should just treat them like any other random thought.

Hey everyone, I’m new here and could use some advice. About a month ago, things got messy. I was dealing with a lot of stress and some pretty stupid mental loops, which eventually spiraled into suicidal thoughts. It felt like my life had no point, like nothing I did mattered, and that I just needed to end it. It hung over me for a few days until I realized these thoughts don't actually align with who I am. They're just intrusive, garbage thoughts—at least, I hope I'm right about that. Otherwise, I've been functioning normally. I haven't lost my drive, except when those thoughts start obsessing me; then I lose focus at work, which is just being a clerk at a local grocery store. It's hard to concentrate when you don't know what's hitting you. I managed to push past the initial urge by telling myself: so what if the thoughts are there? I don't *have* to act on them. Doesn't everyone have moments like this? Am I right? But then the doubt creeps in. What if it's supposed to be this way? What if I actually want this? When that "what if I want this" thought hit, I started second-guessing everything. I almost convinced myself it was true, even though deep down, I know it isn't. Despite all this, I still have plans. I want to find a girlfriend, get married, maybe work from home one day. I need some advice from anyone who's dealt with this. How do you move past it? Should I just ignore it? I know life is precious. How can I be certain I don't have to go through with it? Is this an instinct, a belief, or just an obsessive thought loop? God help me.