Posts by Benjamin Alvarez18

I think I've finally hit a wall

I guess you could say I was already starting to feel the weight of everything back then. On top of that, I’d just gone through this breakup, and honestly, it felt like my whole world had just collapsed. So, yeah, I ended up moving back home. It’s actually pretty nice being back—my family really looks out for me and takes care of things, and we all get along great. I don't really spend much time thinking about moving out on my own anymore. Things were going relatively well until that big earthquake hit, which was also when I first started posting here... I actually had some plans in motion, too... but nothing much ever really materialized. Then the lockdown happened, and I think it just kind of grounded me in a bad way. It was like I suddenly realized that none of the stuff in my life actually mattered anymore. It was such a sudden downward spiral, and I can't even point to one specific thing that triggered it all.

Things just kind of spiraled for me, which is probably why I mentioned that... I ended up feeling incredibly lonely after a while, so I moved back home. That was back in 2009 when I actually started treatment. I just wasn't functioning anymore; even basic stuff like cleaning the apartment or cooking felt totally overwhelming.
I’ve only got about five years of seniority under my belt. I worked in my field, sure, but honestly, I don't care about it at all anymore.
The last place I worked was in an office, until December of last year—wait, no, 2019—but I was barely hanging on by a thread.
I didn't quite catch what you meant by "venting"... are you asking if I had some kind of outlet? ... I never did, which is exactly why I'm stuck on these damn pills now. I'm planning to head over to Central Park for a bit during this quarantine just to clear my head.

I’m currently on antidepressants, and yesterday they added Zyprexa—an antipsychotic—to the mix... I’m just hoping it helps even a little bit.
I used to be such a social butterfly, honestly. Just a genuinely good person, and people really loved being around me. Back in high school, I had this amazing group of friends, but then my parents basically shut me down because I was always out and about. They were just... worried, I guess? But I was just trying to find myself, you know? Trying to figure out what I actually wanted out of life. They just didn't get it.
It feels like my youth was cut short, in a way. Once I started college, I completely retreated into my own shell. I spent all my time studying English and stopped going out almost entirely. That wasn't really me anymore. I’ve never been much of a fighter, though, so I didn't really push back against my parents, but it’s pretty obvious they stalled my journey toward finding who I am. It’s hard to deal with, honestly. I miss those carefree days... I feel like I lost myself.
I’m living back with them now, over in a neighborhood like Silver Spring... I had my own place for five years before this.

Thanks for reaching out, ironrider11, and for having that specific... what should I call it? That way of looking out for everyone else, I guess. It’s tough being stuck inside four walls all day—kind of like what was mentioned in that one thread about the meaning of life—since we're basically social creatures by nature. So, I suppose the real answer lies in actually getting out there and socializing, right? Maybe...??

They actually tried to keep me in the hospital yesterday, but I somehow managed to wiggle my way out... I don't know. I guess I just need to work on being a better version of myself... maybe then the darkness will finally fade away

Maybe I need to look into adjusting my meds... honestly, I have no clue what's going on with me lately. It’s weird, because for once, I actually feel alive, like I'm finally being the real version of myself... but at the same time, I just feel like this huge void, just total emptiness and chaos.

Everything just feels kind of pointless lately. I feel like I’ve checked all the boxes—learned everything I was supposed to, read all the books, gathered all the info... but what's left? Like, where do you even go from here? 😢

Right on? 🙂, I honestly think it suits me perfectly.
Good luck to you too, silvereagle7 🙂))

P.S. Thanks so much to you two ladies from the last couple of posts, I’m feeling a little bit better than I did yesterday...

Yeah, I mean, a lot of stuff was decided for me back then, and then they basically spent all that time trying to tell me I was wrong about it...
I guess that's why things ended up turning out this way

Jesus, what William Sanders6 said there... I think he hit the nail right on the head. It’s funny because it’s almost exactly what I realized this morning. Thanks a ton, I’m definitely going to jot that down.
I've always been the type who had to be the absolute best at everything, but I've been stuck in this massive rut for a few years now, just unable to get moving again... so I guess I'm being a little impatient. But hey, maybe things will just fall into place eventually.
Thanks again so much for the kind words and the encouragement. I totally get where you're coming from...

So, my therapist is out of commission for the next two months because she caught COVID, which is just great. I mean, she isn't even my favorite or anything... we mostly just end up chatting about random nonsense anyway, and I don't really vibe with her that much to begin with.

I honestly can't even deal with myself right now; I’m just feeling so incredibly frustrated with everything. It feels like these meds are totally messing with my head and making it impossible to think straight
I'd give anything to just flip the script on my life, but I guess I just don't have the energy to make it happen

Man, where do I even start with this... I'm not trying to hide anything, it’s just kind of wild how I don't really know who I actually am.
Growing up, we moved around all the time, and honestly, it was pretty rough on me—just constant readjusting to new places. My escape was always books... I studied like crazy and was basically a straight-A student, totally flawless on paper. Though, looking back, I don't think that's what I actually wanted deep down. I think I just wanted to feel loved, you know? I went to prep school and kept pulling perfect grades, but there was this one girl there, really popular and pretty. It’s like I subconsciously started mimicking her... her movements, her gestures... I didn't realize until much later how pathological that actually was. I knew it felt wrong at the time. And chasing those perfect grades? I realized later that I was just losing myself in the process. After high school, I went into Biology. I couldn't quite figure out what I actually wanted to do during those four years of college, but I knew I could handle Bio. So I did—finished everything by 23, right on schedule. But really, all I wanted was a connection... to get married, have kids. I haven't made that dream happen yet.
Maybe I don't even want it anymore. But I still feel like I'm living someone else's life. That earthquake really shook me up, though, in a weird way. It just made me think of that girl again... me and her. I'm not her. It's complicated. Like, whose life am I actually living? It's all just... incredibly heavy to deal with.

So, you mean I have to start from scratch? Thanks, ironrider11...

Back when I was fifteen, I pretty much had it all figured out—I was on top of my game... but I guess I lost that spark somewhere along the way, especially after I ended up enrolling in a college major I never actually wanted to do in the first place.

I don't really want to get all caught up in the distractions, I just kind of want to figure out who I actually am at my core...

I guess I don't really know who I am

Hey everyone, I honestly don't even know where to start, but I'm just feeling absolutely terrible. I actually just got back from the ER, but they didn't really do much to help. Ever since the earthquake, I feel like I've completely lost my mind... I just can't see the point in anything anymore 😢. I've mostly just been sipping on some tea, though I started taking Melatonin recently, which helps a little bit, I guess. I've been dealing with this stuff since 2009, and I'm 37 now
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