Why am I so prone to addiction?
in Psychology & Therapy ·
Tyler Kim said:Honestly, I don't think I have a "middle ground" in my DNA; whether it’s something good or something bad, I just don't know how to do things halfway—everything has to be extreme.
Like, if I decide to grab a beer, I’m not just having one; I’m basically finishing off a whole six-pack.
And if I start smoking, it’s never just one pack a day, it’s somehow always three.
And man, the list goes on and on.
I’ve spent so much of my life chasing highs or getting hooked on stuff: gambling, booze, porn, nicotine, gaming... even fitness. I had this massive phase where I was hitting the gym for four hours every single day; everything in my body would be screaming in pain because I wasn't giving myself time to recover, but I’d feel like absolute garbage if I actually skipped a session.
It feels like I’ve spent my entire existence searching for something to fill this void inside me, and while I usually find something that works, it’s always just temporary before the cycle starts all over again with some new kind of madness.
I guess I'll end on this note: I’ve managed to kick most of those addictions, or at least dial them back significantly... they're still part of who I am, but they're dormant right now.
But I already know that if I light up just one cigarette tomorrow, by the day after, I'll be tearing through two packs.
That "all or nothing" streak in my personality is actually the main reason I've never touched drugs... even though I've been battling anxiety and depression for years.
I'm the exact same way with my extreme personality; whatever I get into, I have to drive it toward some level of total perfection... and even when I realize how far I've gone and how much I'm overdoing it, the impulse is stronger than me, like I'm convinced that reaching that peak is the only way I'll actually be happy.