Alright, look... I’m gonna try to lay out my train of thought here, because for years now, I haven't been able to wrap my head around what's actually going on with me—or even explain it to anyone else. Hopefully, someone actually sticks with this until the end.
It all kicked off when I left home and started college. I’ll keep this brief because if I tried to write down every single tiny detail, we'd be here forever. Things basically happened in order, and each phase dragged on for a while 🙂
Scenario 1.
So, at college, I meet this girl, fall for her, and eventually, we start dating. There was also this other girl at one of those big house parties—someone who was honestly really attractive, and I almost ended up with her before things went official with my girlfriend. But, I played it safe, stayed disciplined, and didn't go there. Still, I remember being drunk and things almost getting weird. A few days later, I’m walking through town with my girlfriend and I spot that other girl, and suddenly, I’m hit with this massive wave of shame. Just pure, unadulterated embarrassment. I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. After running into her a couple more times, it turned into this pathological thing where I’d go out of my way to avoid her for over a year. It was constant. I couldn't figure out why I was spiraling or why I felt so incredibly gross about it. Eventually, after a year and a half, my girlfriend and I broke up—for different reasons entirely—and the very next day, I saw that other girl again, and the feeling was just... gone.
Sounds pretty trivial and harmless, right? Whatever. Let's move on.
Scenario 2.
About six months later, this random thought just pops into my head—I won't get into the specifics—asking if maybe I was gay. That spiraled into two straight years of living in a mental hellscape, constantly questioning my sexuality. I’d find myself staring at some guy, maybe someone a bit more effeminate, trying to monitor my own physical reactions. Like, *is something happening?* Is there a spark? Then I'd see him on the street the next day and that exact same sensation would hit me. This whole cycle lasted a year—just me obsessing over whether I was gay—and it peaked with this one guy where seeing him felt like the literal end of the world. Cold sweats, legs turning to jelly, total anxiety. It was the exact same visceral reaction I had with that first girl. It wasn't there at first, but after all that self-inflicted overthinking, that's where I landed. Seeing certain people just makes me feel revolted. In the meantime, I was going through this:
http://www.neuroticplanet.com/hocd.php That's the gist of it, word for word.
In the interim, girls would drift in and out of my life—nothing serious, just a little flirting here and there—but I was still terrified that I was gay underneath it all.
Scenario 3.
Then there's my friendships. I'll meet someone new or hang out with an acquaintance. Everything's cool, we have stuff in common, we joke around, etc. But then, out of nowhere, I get hit by this feeling. I don't even know how to describe it properly. Once it hits, that person becomes an obsession because I'm hit with that same sensation I described earlier. Identical. Nervousness, fear, anxiety. I start avoiding them entirely. And it just keeps jumping from one friend to another as I get closer to them. What used to be a normal, chill friendship turns into pure agony. *What if I'm attracted to them? What if this, what if that?* From that point on, I can't tell what's a real emotion and what's just my brain glitching. I'm totally lost. Honestly, this happens with most of my friends. Even acquaintances, eventually.
Scenario 4.
Finally, I meet a woman I actually like. Despite my usual baggage and how hard it is for me to build real connections, I manage to make it work. She accepts me, and things feel good. But then, one day, that same feeling hits me regarding her best friend—who also happens to be my brother's girlfriend. Same nightmare. *Do I like her? Is it this, or is it that?* Even though I've always respected her and enjoyed having her as part of the family circle, the second we get close, boom. The feeling.
I don't even know how to put this into words. Basically, everything starts with a nice feeling of liking someone, but then I freak out thinking I might like them in a romantic sense. That's the closest I can get to explaining it. Also, for instance, once I'm hyper-fixated on one person, I can usually hang out with anyone else perfectly fine, like nothing ever happened.
Look, I know this sounds like some weird internet troll bait, but I’m being dead serious here.
If anyone actually takes this to heart, you’ll probably tell me there isn't enough detail to even make a judgment call. But hey, if you’re reading this, feel free to grill me—ask anything. I’m down to expand on the story and answer whatever questions come up. I know how stupid this looks, but honestly, what else am I supposed to do?
I really just want to hear what someone else thinks about it. Now that I'm sitting here staring at my own words, it sounds pretty idiotic. Dammit. I’m hoping someone responds, because I could really use some kind of help—any kind—since I don't think anyone can guess from this post just how much all of this is messing with my head. And it’s messing with me a lot. Like, a lot. 🙂
The reason I'm dumping this here is because this whole situation has caused me massive psychological issues. I've spent a huge chunk of my life basically teetering on the edge of depression while trying to deal with this stuff, and man, those last four years while this was happening were incredibly hard to get through. I'm 22 now (I think...)
Thanks, catch ya later.