Posts by Jose Wood7

Emily Watson4 said:How did you pull yourself out of that hole? Because I can't just sit here crying and thinking about ending it all...
I think I need to start watching something again because this is getting unbearable.

Honestly, I’m not even sure what to tell you. Maybe try looking at it through the lens of reality—like, how much does what you see in that content actually relate to a normal life? It's incredibly hard to shift your perspective on stuff like this overnight. For some people, it never happens. Commercial, highly produced porn is designed from the ground up to manipulate your emotions and your sexuality. I guess maybe having a sense of contempt for the people trying to manipulate you could give you the strength to fight back. Yeah, exactly. Hate them, despise them, let them disgust you. An amateur video? Just think of it as someone advertising themselves. I know it's tough, but there it is.

You really need to try and pull yourself together in every possible way. Even if you deal with the porn issue, there's no guarantee that won't stop those suicidal thoughts. You have to identify whatever internal void is there and find a way to fill it. I guess most of the talk on this thread is really about that void created by being unable to form deep emotional connections with other people.

velvetsailor26 said:Sometimes I find myself spiraling, wondering what’s going to happen once my parents are gone, and then that wave of shame hits me right in the gut. People my age are out there building their own families and moving on, yet here I am, terrified of what life looks like without my mom by my side.🙈

I have a couple of friends—well, really just one person I can actually trust—and she tries to be supportive. She tells me to stop beating myself up, that I have her, and that I should call whenever I need to talk, but even then, it doesn't really take the edge off.
The truth is, you can't really explain this feeling to anyone; it's like a universal secret we all carry.
Usually, people say venting helps lighten the load, but for me, it’s useless because after the talking is done, I’m still stuck being the exact same person I’m trying so hard not to be.
Honestly, it’s a pretty miserable way to live.

I guess those kinds of thoughts usually hit me right when I wake up. It’s a disgusting feeling.

Emily Watson4 said:Back when I was writing about that book, I felt fine because I was basically drowning myself in porn every single day—at least an hour at a time, sometimes over two hours straight. I thought the book was my savior, but really, I was just using porn to run away from my depression...

In that headspace, I felt okay, but I was totally disconnected from everyone. My relationships were trash. I’d just lock myself in my room, stare at a computer screen, and live in total isolation..

Then I stumbled onto this website about porn addiction and it hit me: I wasn't "fine," I was addicted..

Since I quit watching porn, my perspective and how I deal with people has improved a lot. But unfortunately, now the depression is hitting me hard and I have no clue what the next move is... Luckily, I have good parents. I've been open with them about everything, but there's only so much they can do..

velvetsailor26 & Jose Wood7 - I hear you loud and clear. I struggle to connect with people too. Honestly, I'm terrified, just like you guys, of how I'm going to manage living on my own once my parents are gone.

I know exactly what you mean. I went through a similar phase myself, though for me, it was half driven by a high libido and half by depression. It’s honestly wild how many people I know, either directly or indirectly, who have dealt with the exact same thing. It's good that you finally realized what was actually happening.

velvetsailor26 said:Jose Wood7, unfortunately, we are totally on the same page here.😢
I honestly wish I didn't feel this massive, constant pull toward emotional intimacy with people; life would definitely be easier if I could just accept being alone without all this internal noise.
But at the end of the day, humans are wired to be social creatures, so wanting that connection with others is just part of our basic programming.

It’s funny because I wasn't always this way—it’s something that has crept up on me as the years go by.
Back when I was actually doing okay, I even managed to navigate two different relationships, and looking back, I can still remember how incredible that feeling used to be.
Now? I can't even wrap my head around the idea of being in a relationship.

Some spiritual author talks about how personal happiness shouldn't depend on external factors, including other people. Honestly, I think that’s terrible—the idea that we have to become these perfectly self-sufficient individuals to find happiness. Maybe that's part of growing up emotionally, but either way, I'm not a fan of that logic.

I remember being on the road for two days once while looking for work. At first, I didn't even feel the urge to call home. But as time passed, after the first 24 hours, I started calling more and more frequently. Then this awful thought hit me: "What if I don't have anyone left to call?" I mean, I already knew I needed people, but this was a brutal reality check regarding that need. Still, there remains this barrier to truly, fully connecting with anyone.

Right now, I'd say I can connect with my family maybe 4/10, and with my closest friends about 2/10. With everyone else? 0.5/10. And I really wish it were at least an 8/10 or higher.

It’s weird and painful to have that kind of need and then realize you can't actually fulfill it.

velvetsailor26 said:I check about 9 out of the 17 boxes for avoidant personality disorder symptoms.
People with this disorder usually end up isolated, or they become completely dependent on others for support.
Thank God I have a job, but I walk into work every single day gripped by anxiety, so I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up.
It's a miserable way to exist, honestly. You crave acceptance and want to belong to a group, but the fear of looking foolish is paralyzing. You're constantly convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent.
All you're left with is a vague hope for a better tomorrow, though that rarely ever materializes.

What's actually the distinction between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder?

Yeah, it’s pretty awful. You spend your time hoping that after a good night's sleep, things will actually improve—but when it comes to people, nothing ever really changes. It’s just one day passing after another.

Or maybe it’s even worse: you finally push past that fear of looking stupid, yet you still feel restricted, and somehow you still can't truly connect with anyone.

It’s this disgusting, sneaky feeling where you look totally fine on the outside, but inside you feel incredibly, deeply pathetic. Meanwhile, everyone around you expects you to act perfectly normal.

velvetsailor26 said:So I guess I’m not the only one feeling this way, and honestly, what can you do? I’ve always had this nagging thought that life just requires a certain level of mental struggle—some days the weight feels manageable, other days it’s crushing, but you just kind of keep drifting through it anyway.
It’s just disheartening when I see people getting all the support and resources they need, while I’m left standing here with absolutely nothing.
The only thing that seems to take the edge off is when I take a little bit of Klonopin to steady my nerves.

Your first post—it’s like I wrote it myself. I can relate to everything. I've gone from Adderall to antidepressants, anxiolytics, and even antipsychotics for a short stint. Regarding what you said about how pills work for others...

The thing is, pills aren't a magic fix—they're just support until you find some balance so you can manage with little to nothing later on. If you just fall back into old habits while taking them, then there's really no point. Also, maybe there's a way to just accept that you can't connect with people and live that way. I know someone who lived a totally solitary life for 80 years. But that was a different era, not like today, and everyone is different. I don't think that person was happy, either.

That thread title "on the downward spiral" is interesting. That's exactly how I described it to myself when I first realized something was wrong. Since then, it's mostly been a downhill slide.

Maybe you'll find something useful here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidan...ality_disorder

I get how you feel. And obviously, I didn't write anything particularly comforting or helpful, but hey, hope this helps.

velvetsailor26 said:It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world.
But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢

I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.

I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person.
Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.

I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢

Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.

I feel everything you mentioned, and honestly, even more than that, for over four years now. I’ve won some small battles here and there, but winning the war feels miles away. Actually, I doubt I can even pull it off.