Posts by casualpilot13

fadedbear92 said:I hit my absolute breaking point when this thought just flashed through my mind: "you don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally healthy." Honestly, I was terrified of my own brain for a second there... and I’m pretty sure I'm not alone in feeling that way—especially among people who actually consider themselves stable 😢

It’s not that I feel undeserving, but sometimes it’s just heavy—seeing how much my anxiety impacts him and his life. His world has changed because of me. And honestly? That weighs on me.

I also feel for my parents and my sister. They want to step in and help so badly, but they don't know how—they can't. It hurts to see them saddened by seeing me this way, knowing there's nothing they can do to fix it.
I think part of their pain comes from the fact that they don't truly grasp what this is like. They say they understand, but they don't—not really. They try, they talk to me about it, but they still can't wrap their heads around the reality of being unable to function simply because I'm spinning out—feeling physically sick to my stomach, or feeling like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. There's no physical cause for it, which makes it harder to explain. I don't blame them, though; I doubt I could ever fully grasp it if the roles were reversed.

Anyway, I've gone on a bit of a rant here 😁. It isn't about not deserving love—it's just hard to watch the ripple effect my condition has on the people I care about.

restlesscobra9 said:Well, look, if I'm being honest, there was a period in my life where I felt like I was actually breathing deep and living fully, and compared to that, everything I'm going through right now feels like nothing more than a pale, hollow imitation of a real life...

Yeah, I'm right there with you. There was a time when we were actually living—now, it’s just surviving and waiting for things to get better.

I find myself wondering if life will ever feel "normal" again, or if I just have to accept that this is my reality now. I'm not sure I can stomach the idea of fighting anxiety for the rest of my life. Honestly, I'm not even sure if the people I care about want to spend their lives with someone like this.

Either way, I still catch myself looking back at how things used to be—just waiting for those days to come back.

If I had to find a silver lining, maybe it's that I've calmed down a bit. My schedule isn't a constant grind anymore—it's not working twelve-hour shifts followed by late-night studying, then trying to squeeze in time with my boyfriend, all while running on four or five hours of sleep. That would be the "positive" side, I guess—not being physically or mentally drained by a packed calendar. But the thing is, I actually liked being busy. So, while it might be better for my health, my head tells me something essential is missing.
I miss being that version of myself—the one who could juggle everything and still be the brightest, most energetic person in the room or at the office. Today, I can't handle half of that, and even when I do manage to pull it off, I'm barely a shadow of the fun-loving person I used to be.

We really are missing out on so much—so many big milestones, but even more of those tiny, everyday moments that used to go unnoticed. Now, I notice every single time they aren't there.