6 posts shown.
What can I say? Where do I even start? I don't know... I’m trying to find a thousand different ways to say what’s on my mind, but how? Talk about love? Money? My own problems? Or just sink into self-pity and regret the era I was born into... back home in the States, where everything feels like a lost cause. Lost thoughts are the worst kind of thoughts.
Part one: the past.
Let's take it step by step. Let's go back to one specific day... that's the starting point.
San Francisco... 22 hours ago... total chaos outside. Rain is hammering against the window... the power is out, so I'm just lying here in the dark, alone, in total silence. I toss aside the textbook I grabbed to study right before the lights went out, give a small smirk, and think: *perfect timing*, because there is absolutely no way I'm studying like this. I lean back on the bed, throw my headphones on, and blast my favorite compilation—the one I've downloaded everywhere. I skip through the tracks and slowly drift into a daydream. Thinking about those ten exams left. Thinking about becoming an engineer. Being someone, being somebody, doing it for myself, for my old man, for everything. I can already see it: showing up to work at some decent firm—a big one if possible—actually enjoying the grind, having real opportunities, moving up the ladder, getting more training, working in a great environment. Putting in my eight hours, maybe staying late if things get busy. Then grabbing a quick drink with the guys after work... but my girl is waiting at home. She says, "Honey, hurry up, we need to grab stuff for the trip." "You know we're heading out for vacation tomorrow, we need to pack." I say goodbye to the guys and hop into my favorite car. For a second, I snap out of it... I look up at the ceiling and see the shadow of a spider creeping through the dark. I just smile and slide back into the dream. A different movie starts playing. I'm home... on the couch. Watching my girl shuffle some papers on the table. She says, "Babe, I sorted out the mortgage paperwork for the apartment, so don't worry." She tosses the papers down and comes over to the couch; I pull her close and kiss her. "You got everything ready, honey?" "Yeah, I've got three suitcases packed, you know that." "No problem, babe." I stroke her face gently, brush the hair out of her eyes, and look into those beautiful eyes thinking how great life is.
*Bam*... my roommate bursts into the room... swearing at the rain, the blackout, and everything else under the sun. He's soaked to the bone, yelling all over the apartment. I just stare at him, blankly... wondering why the hell he had to wake me from such a perfect dream. I try to go back under, but I can't. I can't even remember what the apartment looked like, let alone what my girl's eyes looked like. Nothing. I give him a glare and tell him to go to hell. I roll over. I stare at the wall... listening to the sound of a ferry leaving the harbor and thinking: *well, at least he's out in that storm. At least I'm warm.* My thoughts drift again. Now it gets real. Those exams are starting to weigh on me. When am I going to pass them? I still have ten left, most of them the hard ones. But whatever, it's nothing. It's fine. I'll be out of here in a few months anyway, then I'll head back to Martha's Vineyard and finally have some peace. To study and everything. I won't need more than six months; I'm a professional. Suddenly, the power kicks back on... I grab my textbook immediately and dive into the books.
That was one day... a day spent dreaming about how I'd fix everything within a couple of years. Through hard work.
Part two: the present.
Six years later. The same playlist is spinning. The same wine is being poured. I wonder what's actually changed. Hmm, what is? Oh right, I'm not in San Francisco anymore... I'm living the life in Chicago now. I have the degree. It didn't take six months, but yeah, it took a year and a half. A professional... an electrical engineer. A little heavier than I used to be. A little older. Same mindset, though. Just a bit more realistic. That's it. I'm watching some politician on TV laughing. "I will revitalize America," he promises. Those words sound familiar; I feel like I've heard them a million times already. And did we revitalize? No. My degree is basically just something to wipe my ass with. I have a job, thank God, unlike the 300,000 unemployed people my age who were dreaming the exact same dream. The paycheck is steady, but it's the same amount I made working as a waiter over the summer. It's pathetic. I can feel the frustration boiling inside me. I'm full of ideas, full of drive, hungry for knowledge, hungry for everything. I look forward to the 15th of the month like a freezing sun... grinning from ear to ear. Then you pay the rent, you pay for food, the phone bill, the American lifestyle, and the smile vanishes. Whatever, man, I'll scrape through this month and figure something out next month. And so three years pass. THREE freaking years. And then that guy says, "I will revitalize America." Just do it already.
Part three... the future
Drifting into the future for a bit. Everything's looking bright in America. People are working, people are happy, birth rates are climbing. Where am I? Right here. Same pose I imagined back in the day in San Francisco. Everything comes full circle... I see it all. I see my ocean of love. Though the apartment is a bit flashier. Bigger, more modern. I dig the layout. Of course, my lady designed it herself. And where is she? I hear her coming down the stairs. Wait, let me think. Two-story apartment. Nice. Here comes my gorgeous brunette. She warms my heart instantly. In the last dream, she wasn't this stunning. She flops onto my lap on the couch. Tells me she loves me. That she’s happy with me. Yeah, babe... nobody does it better than us. She says I have to take her to an appointment tomorrow? Excuse me? What are you talking about? She looks at me like I'm crazy. "Don't be ridiculous, don't panic, you know I need my checkup." It's no big deal, just a quick ultrasound and we're done. I'm speechless. An ultrasound? An appointment? Seriously? Am I gonna be a dad? Of course, I only said that part to myself. Honestly, I was just grinning from ear to ear like a total idiot. Obviously, I'll drive you, honey. As soon as she heads to the kitchen, I start jumping around like a little kid. I'm going to be a father. A FATHER. Never thought that would hit me this hard. I was never really a kid person. But a father... man, what bliss. I pace around the place. It feels familiar... very familiar. I walk to the window. Peek outside. Whoa... this isn't an apartment. It's a house. A HOUSE. The happiness is endless. I have a house. I have my beautiful girl. I'm going to be a dad. Everything is perfect. This is it. This is that moment from San Francisco. Once again, I'm proud of my degree.
Part four... that evening in the future
Flipping through channels on this massive OLED TV. Man, this thing is a beast. Suddenly the screen freezes, and my buddy's face pops up with the word "Answer" underneath. WTF? After the initial shock, I realize the icons look just like Skype. Yep, it says Skype right there. I look at the remote—there's an "Answer" button. I hit it, and boom, my friend is on video call on the TV. Damn... this is sick. Full HD? What's the bandwidth? How much am I paying for this? Forget it. So, what's up, man? I ask him. Nothing, just seeing you alive and well. I carefully pick my words. After a while, my love calls out. "Come on, honey, let's go to bed." I'm coming, babe. I kill the lights and rush down the stairs to get to her. I jump in the shower real quick. Water running over me. I'm thinking... is this a dream or reality? Did I imagine all this, or is my head just foggy? Some loneliness, some bachelor life, some emptiness in the heart. Or not. No, the heart is right here. Someone is guarding it. But who? Who? Whatever, don't dwell on it. Just go to bed, babe. I open the door. She's waiting on the bed. "Come here, honey... come lie down next to me, hold me tight and don't let anyone take me." And protect our little one inside me. A little guy flashes through my mind. A son? I don't care, as long as he's healthy. I hug her. Kiss her shoulder gently. Move the hair from her face. Deja vu. I've seen this somewhere before. Whatever. Look me in the eyes. I know you, I think. I know you. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asks. Nothing, babe, I'm happy. Happy as a little kid. A thought crosses my mind. We actually made it through everything and pulled off everything we planned! Now I know who's guarding my heart in that tiny apartment from the previous dream. I lay her on her stomach... kiss her back gently. My lips glide over her soft skin. How much I love you, I think... all I need is a little love and I could tear the world down. Nothing is too hard. I know, she told me. You told me that when we first started. And you said everything would be okay, and it was. And you took care of me just like you promised. And you drew me to you just like you promised. And everything we imagined, everything we wanted, we achieved. You've been my love since that day I waited for you by the wall, thinking you wouldn't show. But you showed. And you're here by my side now. I pull her close. Close my eyes. I think: This is it... I don't need anything else. I love you, I whisper, and squeeze her tight.
Part five... back to the present
My roommate jolts me awake. "Hey, urbanfox18... man, your phone is ringing." I take off my headphones... check the phone. Answer it. On the other end: "Hey, where are you? What happened? Why aren't you answering?" Sorry, babe, I was listening to music... got lost in a daydream.
-what were you doing earlier?
-just loving you
And what did we actually do?
Nothing
Just nothing?
Nothing, baby... just lying in bed kissing you
I miss you
I know, honey, I miss you too
I want to see you
Just a little longer, sweetie, then I'll come get you and take you home
Yesss. kisses
Kisses, babe
I hang up. I stay like that. Phone still in my hand. I can feel the bitterness creeping in. A notification pops up. An American bill... "Your account is due on this date." Screw this bill and screw everything about it. I can't believe they're hitting me with this after just one month. My mood completely tanks. I wish I could just burn my diploma. Burn the degree and the guy who handed it to me. My blood is boiling. I think... I need some air. I get dressed, move fast, and head out for a walk in the cold. My roommate gives me this blank look—where are you going now? It's middle of the night! I tell him I'm just going for a quick stroll, back soon. Just to clear my head.
Part six... life comes at you fast.
Buttoned up to the chin, walking down an empty street. It's freezing. A crazy driver zooms past me and stops at a red light. Some loser behind the wheel, hasn't even grown a beard yet. I give a little smirk and keep moving. The cold air clears my head a bit. I try to console myself. Come on, man, it’s not that bad. You'll figure something out. Once you get moving, things will settle. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. And love? Love is far away. Whatever, it'll pass. They look happy together. They're a good match. So what? You'll get through this bit, too. I feel better immediately. A smile starts to form. I'm still walking when I notice a small group of people crossing the street toward me. I pick up the pace—I don't have time for any bullshit right now. But no... they're heading straight for me. My blood starts boiling again. What the hell do they want? I'm not in the mood for games. They stop right in front of me. Four or five of them, if I had to guess quickly. They surround me. I turn my back to a wall just in case. I look at them closely. Just a bunch of losers. What the hell are you guys doing out here? I think. One of them says, "Give us everything you've got."
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Give us everything you've got, are you deaf?
Me: Look, I don't have anything, I was just out for a walk.
Him: Oh, I'll make sure you have "nothing" left after I beat the hell out of you.
In that moment, everything rushes back. San Francisco, my college, all my hard work. My job, my paycheck, the politicians, the chaos. My love, the one who isn't the end of me. I feel the rage building up. This lowlife thinks he can talk to me like that? Who does he think he is? The next few seconds are a blur. Unaccountable. All I know is that I grabbed him by the throat and wouldn't let go. That he was blonde. That his eyes rolled back. That he was hitting my hands and I couldn't let up. I think: you're going to pay for everything—for the politics, the job, the degree. I was only waiting for her tonight. My sense of satisfaction is cut short by a sharp, agonizing pain in my side. A brutal pain as cold metal pierces my jacket and sinks into my muscle. The initial shock. I stand there. I feel it happen again and again. I stop fighting. I reach out for them. I tell them to call an ambulance. They just smirk and walk off. I fall. I feel nauseous. I can't go on. I sit against a wall. Cold concrete. I slowly lie down. I close my eyes. I surrender. I see it, I think. I remember a dream from San Francisco. How much willpower I had for everything. Everything I studied. My roommate. The rain and the boats. Somehow, I don't care anymore. My gaze drifts to a campaign poster of a politician. It almost makes me laugh. Come on, man, fix this country. Fix it for someone better. Nothing hurts anymore. I'm not hiding the wounds anymore. I've let go. A thought crosses my mind. What about my love? Will she call me? Will she worry about where I am? Why am I not answering? I wonder... will she show up to the funeral? Will she bring a rose? Yeah, I know she will. But no... no... I promised her. I promised her I would protect her for as long as I live. I promised her I would love her. I promised I would always be there. I never break my promises. I think that maybe someone else will find her and love her at least half as much as I did. That he will protect her, because if I don't come back, I'll haunt him. Slowly, I drift into sleep... that same song playing in my ears. I return to my dreams. Back to that bed. Back to her shoulder, kissing her neck. But no. That's not me. I'm watching from the side. Heartache. Sadness. A tiny detail on his back catches my eye. Scars. Many of them. I move around the bed. I see her smiling softly. She's kissing that man's hand. I look at him and I see myself. Excuse me? What? How? God, are you playing with me? Mocking me at my death? Can't you just let me die in peace? Are you trying to prove something? WHAT?! I scream internally. Everything goes blurry. The image fades. It's cold. It hurts. Why am I feeling all this now? Why? It was better before, when I felt nothing. I lift my eyes... they land on a massive billboard of a politician... "Justice for All," it says. But something feels off. Why is he blonde? Why is he flashing? My vision is blocked by the ambulance. ....
Good grief...
Everyone carves out their own path and gets exactly what they work for. Nothing is impossible. No matter what happens, you're going to get what you want.