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fadedbison50 said:I’ve dealt with my own share of childhood trauma—stuff that haunted me for a long time. I can't claim to know exactly what you went through or how you're feeling right now, but honestly, it seems a bit strange to me that you're still carrying all this guilt. You were just a kid back then. Maybe—and I'm just speculating here—there might be some other underlying cause for your depression besides this?
It wasn't just "that." I've dealt with so much other crap and nonsense from my own family and from peers throughout school—middle school, high school, all of it. The reason the guilt eats at me is because, in a way, my life hasn't really felt real since then. He was my only real friend, and ever since he passed, I've been completely alone. I loved him more than a brother. My life basically stopped there, and nobody seemed to care. I messed everything up; I didn't go to a good college or anything useful, just finished a mediocre high school, so now I'm stuck. I just didn't have any drive left for anything. I hated school and everything about it.
Does anyone else feel like they’re constantly trying to run away from themselves? That’s how it feels to me—like I'm trying to escape my own skin, but there's nowhere to go. I’ve been struggling with depression, and honestly, I don't even know what else is pulling me under anymore. I don't really know what to do next. At the suggestion of a friend, I went to see a psychiatrist, but I’ve already cycled through two different doctors. Both were completely disinterested in actually listening to me, let alone helping. Now I'm supposed to find a third one, but I'm dreading it because I'll probably just run into the same type of person again. This all started when I was just a kid. When I was ten, I watched my best friend die right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything to save him. Everyone blamed me for his death, even though I tried everything I could. It’s haunted me ever since. I don't know how to deal with it. I find myself constantly wondering if I’m actually a killer, and trying to wrap my head around what a killer even feels like. I often have this overwhelming urge to tell someone how sorry I am, but there's no one left to tell. I keep thinking I could have saved him if I hadn't been thinking the way I was at that moment... I remember who I was before all of this, and comparing that person to who I am now is impossible. It feels like I've spent my whole life running from myself because I can't live with the person I've become. I've isolated myself from everyone. I rarely leave the house because I'm terrified of my own shadow—scared of what might happen if I'm actually "that guy," or if something similar happens again. I know I won't be able to handle it. I can't keep living like this. Like anyone else, I crave companionship and love, but I have neither. All of this eventually led to a suicide attempt, and now I'm just stuck in this limbo. Part of me feels like I need to be punished, especially since everyone thinks I'm the reason he died. My thoughts spiral into these extremes where I feel an impulse to do something reckless just to end up in prison, because the guilt and remorse I carry are more painful than any physical injury I've ever experienced. Just so people don't think I'm some old man—I'm only 23. It’s been 13 years since that tragedy, but it feels like it happened just yesterday.