Running away from yourself?
in Psychology ·
Jeremy Roberts5 said:Does anyone else feel like they’re constantly trying to run away from themselves? That’s how it feels to me—like I'm trying to escape my own skin, but there's nowhere to go. I’ve been struggling with depression, and honestly, I don't even know what else is pulling me under anymore. I don't really know what to do next. At the suggestion of a friend, I went to see a psychiatrist, but I’ve already cycled through two different doctors. Both were completely disinterested in actually listening to me, let alone helping. Now I'm supposed to find a third one, but I'm dreading it because I'll probably just run into the same type of person again. This all started when I was just a kid. When I was ten, I watched my best friend die right in front of me, and I couldn't do anything to save him. Everyone blamed me for his death, even though I tried everything I could. It’s haunted me ever since. I don't know how to deal with it. I find myself constantly wondering if I’m actually a killer, and trying to wrap my head around what a killer even feels like. I often have this overwhelming urge to tell someone how sorry I am, but there's no one left to tell. I keep thinking I could have saved him if I hadn't been thinking the way I was at that moment... I remember who I was before all of this, and comparing that person to who I am now is impossible. It feels like I've spent my whole life running from myself because I can't live with the person I've become. I've isolated myself from everyone. I rarely leave the house because I'm terrified of my own shadow—scared of what might happen if I'm actually "that guy," or if something similar happens again. I know I won't be able to handle it. I can't keep living like this. Like anyone else, I crave companionship and love, but I have neither. All of this eventually led to a suicide attempt, and now I'm just stuck in this limbo. Part of me feels like I need to be punished, especially since everyone thinks I'm the reason he died. My thoughts spiral into these extremes where I feel an impulse to do something reckless just to end up in prison, because the guilt and remorse I carry are more painful than any physical injury I've ever experienced. Just so people don't think I'm some old man—I'm only 23. It’s been 13 years since that tragedy, but it feels like it happened just yesterday.
I think you cannot give up on the search for a psychiatrist. You have to realize that finding an excellent doctor who truly clicks with you is incredibly difficult—it's like searching for a needle in a haystack sometimes. But please, don't quit; stay persistent and keep looking, because it is painfully obvious that you need help, and you know that yourself. You didn't provide many details about the accident, but I am certain that at ten years old, you could not possibly have been responsible for what happened—and anyone blaming you for it is clearly not a sound individual. You were a child, and I am sure you did everything within your power. That is something you must accept. Wise people say that dwelling on the past is a waste of precious time because you cannot change a single second of it, and you are only hurting yourself. Clearly, you can't overcome this on your own, which is why having a professional in your corner is so vital. And I want to tell you one more thing: that tragedy isn't the reason you lack love and affection from others. Not everyone in the world knows what happened to you, and not everyone blames you for it. The issue lies within you—you haven't forgiven yourself. Forgive yourself, open up, and love will follow. Live your life and fight for yourself, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
hey 😉