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Malignant cancer... basically, whenever I went through chemo, I’d crash straight into sepsis. It left me completely bedridden, and my heart was struggling to pump what little blood I had left in my system. My legs were essentially dying, so they were pumping morphine directly into me via IV. I’d love to tell you if I ever took MST, since I know those are morphine-based, but honestly, I have no clue if I moved on to those pills later. When you're popping 20 or more tablets at a single time, things get blurry... it’s just a permanent mystery to me. 😁
Yeah, thanks for the advice, everyone...
Here’s the deal though... I’ve done my homework on these meds and read through plenty of posts on this thread, and honestly, the more I dig, the less I actually want to touch them. 😁
Right now, I’m right in the middle of finals week, and I seriously don't think this is the time to start. I have a feeling the "adjustment period" isn't exactly a walk in the park, even if everyone reacts differently.
But seriously, I just don't think I'm going to take them... I think the real issue is that back when I was getting treatment, I was on morphine because the pain was so intense. After the whole illness passed, I went through a full-blown withdrawal crisis... and I am absolutely not looking to relive anything even remotely close to that.
Is it possible I'm doing this because I’ve grown used to my problems? Like, I don't even know who I am without them? I desperately want to move past all this, but at the same time, I feel like I won't actually achieve anything if I rely on pills to get me there. It’s just total chaos in my head... it's awful. 😢
I was seeing a therapist, and they pointed me toward this sub😁
So, I have a few questions, or rather, I just want to hear what you guys think...
Long story short: I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist because I’m dealing with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder. For treatment, I was prescribed Cipralex and Xanax... Basically, I mentioned here before that I really don't want to rely on medication. I told my doctor the same thing, and she said I didn't *have* to take them, so I told her I might try it and see.
I bought them, and now I’ve just been staring at them for days😁
I couldn't get any peace of mind, so I had to do some "research" on these drugs, and now I realize I truly, deeply do not want to take them.
First off, this stuff causes addiction, and let's be real—I’d probably be the first person to become dependent on it. Why would I even do that to myself? Look, I know I'm being difficult, but I refuse to get hooked on something only to end up worse off. I couldn't live with that thought.
Then there's the Cipralex... it increases appetite. Okay... but with all my issues, I can barely keep anything down. It feels pointless to swallow pills when everything just ends up coming right back out of me anyway. I wouldn't say I'm a "classic" bulimic; I eat very little, and whatever I do eat, I throw up because just thinking about my problems makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Maybe I'm just panicking again and worrying over nothing... but honestly, I have no idea what to do...
The real reason I'm resisting the pills is that I'm still traumatized by my own illness. Back when I was taking 30 pills at a time, things were dark, and now I have a massive aversion to them. I also have this nagging feeling that if I use medication, I'll just feel "happier" in a fake way—like I won't care about solving my actual problems anymore. It feels like a delusion. I don't know. Even without the meds, I'm already struggling.😁