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Anthony Lopez8 said:I don't know how much this is weighing on you, but I am fairly certain you have wandered into the wrong forum thread. The symptoms you're describing sound almost textbook for DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, and PANIC ATTACKS.
The only thing that might lean toward psychosis—specifically schizophrenia—is that sense of unreality you mentioned. However, while derealization and depersonalization (the clinical terms for that sensation) can precede or accompany schizophrenia, in your case, they are almost certainly manifesting as a byproduct of severe anxiety or a panic attack, which is incredibly common.
Please, seek professional help as soon as possible. There is absolutely no reason to suffer through this alone when there are concrete solutions available for nearly everything you've described.
Everything in my life up until now—the years, the highs, the lows—seemed to move along steadily. Things just passed on their own, and I kept moving forward. But after this recent event, I couldn't find my footing. I built my entire world around one person, and I simply couldn't handle the breakup. I ended up alone in the silence of my room, and my thoughts eventually burned me out. I haven't hurt anyone or myself, even though the urge to end it all was incredibly strong. Losing her felt like my whole world collapsed, and I honestly don't know how to explain some of this. The only place I feel secure is in my bed. I don't hear voices when I'm alone. Physically, I feel completely drained, like I’ve been through a war. My head hums constantly; there’s this electrical sensation whenever I sit down and then stand up or turn my head. Nothing feels certain anymore. Absolutely nothing. Throughout all of this, I just stayed silent, wondering what was happening to me. I am fully aware of everything, even though I feel like screaming. All I plan to do is schedule a private MRI for my brain in a few days. If they tell me everything is fine, I will see a psychiatrist. I realize that the lump in my throat, the sweating, and the shaking are symptoms of anxiety, but that moment when I looked at my hand and felt certain it wasn't mine... I can't explain that. I would be happiest if no one touched me for ten years so I could just sit in my room by myself. But that isn't living. Still, I feel like running until I pass out or just starting to scream. I simply cannot trust my emotions. I can't get angry, I can't feel joy, I can't feel anything. I am not sure of anything.
Good evening. My name is Ivan, I am 24 years old, and I am struggling.
Because of where I grew up—out in the Midwest—you have to find happiness within yourself since there aren't many opportunities for sports or entertainment. That was my life. I had a girlfriend here and there, hit the gym, worked rotating shifts, and spent my downtime on the computer. Everything felt balanced. Then, in late September 2011, a girl entered my life and we started dating. From that moment on, I neglected my family and my training. Work became a chore because all I wanted was to be with her. She was my entire world. We stayed together until June 2012, when she ended things. I went to her house to see her, and she simply told me, "We aren't together anymore," before turning around and walking back into her yard. I couldn't believe it. I went home to find I was blocked on Facebook and she wasn't answering any calls. I never even got a final message. That was it. But what worries me is what happened to me afterward. Life became an overwhelming burden. I went from being a healthy, emotional young man to dropping from 205 pounds to 180 in just 40 days because I literally forgot to eat. I was obsessively thinking about her day and night, a problem I couldn't solve. My pleas, my begging, and my requests for closure were met with total silence. After two months of trying to get any information from her, I gave up, and that’s when the real trouble began. I just didn't feel right anywhere—alone, in a crowd, or at a cafe. Even after I stopped dwelling on her, physical and mental symptoms started surfacing. Heart palpitations, a lump in my throat, sweating while driving with the windows down in near-freezing weather, tremors, and head pressure. I couldn't handle it. I would rush from work straight to my bed, escaping into sleep, and then dread waking up in the morning. I started waking up with a strange sense of nausea that I can't explain—just a bizarre feeling that doesn't match any known emotion. After four months of this, I started having suicidal thoughts. It wasn't because of the girl, but because of these inexplicable things happening to my body. I didn't act on it, even though the urge was massive. It felt like my only escape. I might have tolerated everything else, but then I developed impotence. Even if I could manage an erection, I would suffer unbearable pain in my forehead and lower back. Then came the heart racing and the pounding in my ears when I lie down, plus a constant ringing in my head and ears that persists to this day. Sometimes I lie down, start a stopwatch on my phone, and measure my heart rate at 133 beats per minute. Going through all this, I've started feeling like I don't feel anything toward anyone anymore. If my parents passed away, I don't think I would even cry. It consumed me. It turned me into someone I never wanted to be. The worst part was sitting at work, looking at my hand, and not recognizing it as my own. 😢((((( I barely made it to the restroom, where I stared at myself in the mirror for twenty minutes. It felt like everything I was doing wasn't actually being done by me. 😕😕 😕I can't put it into words. Now, when I look back, I can't even remember if I was truly with that girl. My whole life feels like... someone else's. I've read about mental illnesses on various forums, and I find myself fitting every description. I read about the onset of schizophrenia, which says stress or a loss you cannot endure can trigger it. Here I am—an emotional guy, a pushover who loved only one person, and I didn't know how to cope. I'm terrified that this ringing in my head and ears is a symptom of schizophrenia. To conclude, I don't even know what it means to laugh anymore; I can't feel joy. I don't know what it is to be happy, sad, or angry. I live in a void, and everything I do feels performative, as if I'm not the one doing it. I'm dealing with it, but I am slowly sinking into something I may not be able to fix. I don't know what kind of stress or emotional shipwreck I have triggered inside me. Before, sitting at home was boring; I looked for things to do. Now, I don't even feel boredom. I just sit blankly in my room staring at the wall. When I encounter a problem or a social situation, I just fake a reaction because I can't actually feel it. I've started forgetting the date and the day of the week. My concentration is zero. I wish I could just sleep for ten years...
All comments are welcome. If anyone can help out, feel free to reach me via DM too.
Thanks, 😢 😢 😢
To keep this brief,
1. emotional trauma
2. anxiety
3. isolation
I feel emotionally numb and physically disconnected. When I lie down at night, it isn't that I can't sleep; it's just that I don't feel any sense of exhaustion regardless of what I've done. In the morning, I honestly can't tell if I even slept. There is a constant buzzing in my head, and I’ve dealt with impotence for the last six months since these issues began. My mind is racing with intrusive, irrational thoughts, yet all I do is sit perfectly still. I have zero interest in anything. I feel like a stranger to myself. When I speak, it sounds like someone else is talking. My thought processes feel broken. Even the events that led me here feel surreal, like they didn't actually happen to me. Does anyone think these could be symptoms of schizophrenia?