Hello. Some people tell me I’m not actually sick—that I’m just obsessed, or perhaps that some sort of demonic force has taken control of my soul. Others claim that illness is a fluid concept these days, and honestly, I can't even tell what's real anymore. I know for certain that my medications aren't doing much to help, nor have the spiritual retreats helped either; I’ve sought guidance from every possible preacher and counselor out there. But the voices... they are constant. There are hallucinations, dark thoughts... I truly don't know what to do. Yesterday, I saw him right there in my apartment. He was sitting directly across from me, performing surgery on a dog, implanting a microchip, and he told me, "You're next to do this." I was terrified and fled the apartment. I also experience strange tastes; sometimes I smell rotting carcasses—it happens quite frequently. And when I sleep, I wake up around 11:00 PM to see him operating while crows and black cats sit in a circle around him. He very often tells me to cut myself or beat my chest. Two days ago, I became so worked up that I literally couldn't breathe, and now my chest is covered in bruises. I am at a loss as to how to proceed or what steps to take next. Please, forgive me if I am becoming a burden to everyone on this forum, but I simply don't know who else to turn to. Everyone is afraid of me. My parents are in tears, and my psychiatrist seems completely out of ideas...
Hey everyone, it's me again. I suppose things have taken a turn for the worse lately. My thoughts haven't drifted away from the root cause of all this at all; in fact, they've been tormenting me for four years now. I constantly see and hear this individual—whether I'm in my room, on a bus, or riding the subway—following me around. They insist that I need to have microchips implanted in my brain to engineer a race of superhuman beings, and they tell me to eat dead animals to absorb their strength and power so I can transform into some kind of super-human. Just yesterday, I had an encounter. It was about 9:00 PM; I walked into my room in total darkness, flipped the light switch, and there they were: a figure with long hair, a face obscured, wearing a black dress. They were just standing there, smirking at me, shouting, "Everyone is going to die, isn't that right, Arthur Scott5?" They screamed at me before vanishing within five minutes. Honestly, I was terrified, though I guess I'm somewhat desensitized since I've been seeing them for three years already. To be fair, there was a period where they weren't visible because I was taking medication and staying in the hospital, but even then, the essence of it never truly left me. The intrusive thoughts about killing and those chips... they follow me everywhere. My psychiatrist suggested I should just let the thoughts pass through—basically told me to just say "screw you" to the thoughts and try to focus on something else—but it is incredibly difficult to actually do that. Right now, I am only taking Haldol.
I suppose I’m just navigating this whole ordeal on my own, though it hasn't been easy on anyone. It’s been incredibly difficult for my parents to come to terms with the fact that I’m struggling with my mental health—it's heavy for the whole family, I guess. Anyway, I have an appointment scheduled next week at the Mayo Clinic to see Dr. Miller. I was wondering if you all think going there is a good move? I’ve heard through the grapevine that the psychiatrists at the Mayo Clinic are top-tier—really reasonable people who are willing to sit with you for hours if that's what the situation requires. At least, that’s the impression I’ve gathered...
Why on earth would I troll anyone? I have been to the psychiatric wards at Cedars-Sinai and UCLA three separate times now, and my condition is honestly just spiraling further and further downhill. It feels like there is absolutely no help to be found. I am desperately searching for an antipsychotic that actually works, because nothing the psychiatrists prescribe seems to touch the problem. I am currently taking Haldol, Zyprexa, Faverin, Seroxat, Remerica, and several others, but I truly don't know what else I can possibly do. To be honest, I am terrified.
I suppose I go to Mass and pray to God and all that, but honestly, none of it seems to be helping. Today, I experienced a crisis where I was alone in my room, just falling apart, and I don’t believe in coincidences—let’s just say things happen for a reason. For instance, today I saw the exact same man in my own room who told me that if I don't lacerate my arms until they bleed, I would be forced to eat animals—specifically their brains—in order to acquire their power. Right now, I am searching for a new psychiatrist who will actually prescribe a standard course of medication, rather than what I have currently. With my current doctor, I barely get five minutes of his time before he hands me a prescription and tells me, "Just pray to God, He will surely help you." What more can one even say to that?
Hello everyone. I find myself in a bit of a predicament, and frankly, I’m not feeling quite myself lately. I have been attempting to manage with certain medications, though I must admit, I am not seeing much improvement at all. Currently, I am confined to my home, feeling rather restless, and experiencing frequent hallucinations. It is quite unsettling; I will be sitting in my room and suddenly there is this figure dressed in black just standing there, whispering things—telling me I need to harm myself and other such nonsense. At the moment, I am taking Haldol and Remedica. I suppose I should ask, are these considered reliable medications for these kinds of symptoms?
Does anyone happen to have the contact information for a psychiatrist based out of a facility similar to Bellevue? I’ve managed to lose the number for a specific doctor I was seeing, and if anyone could assist me by sending it over, I would be most grateful. To be perfectly honest—and this is difficult to admit—I had a rather violent outburst today where I bit a friend quite severely. There was blood involved, and frankly, I am feeling quite unwell because of it. It seems inevitable that I will have to return to the hospital, but I was hoping to consult with a highly competent psychiatrist first. I can't recall the individual's name at the moment, though I am certain there is an exceptional specialist at the local psychiatric center who is widely considered the best...
Honestly, I’m feeling quite unwell again. I think I’ll have to head back to the hospital. Today, I did something rather disturbing—I ate a dog and even implanted a chip in its head; I boiled the organs and consumed them, and now my stomach is turning. I am genuinely fearful that things might escalate toward the worst-case scenario, specifically regarding those dark thoughts that have been circling my mind since the very beginning. It feels as though horror movies might actually become our reality, so to speak. I simply cannot function like this, which is why I must return to the medical center.
I haven't been active on the forum for quite some time. To be honest, things haven't exactly been great lately. I’m back home now, and while things aren't quite as dire as they were previously, I still struggle with these persistent, intrusive thoughts about violence and the idea of implanting microchips into people's heads. It makes me wonder—is it actually possible to somehow "reanimate" someone through a chip, allowing one to control them? Like, having them perform tasks on my behalf? I’m heading back to the hospital tomorrow. There are moments when the impulse to just cause a bloody massacre there becomes almost overwhelming, as if someone else is pulling the strings of my body or my mind. But then again, I suppose everyone has their own internal demons; we all go a little mad sometimes.
Nezz, I have to tell you about what happened to me yesterday; it was honestly unsettling. I was out of my place for the weekend, and when I finally got back home last night, I was all by myself. Suddenly, I saw this shadow just glide through the hallway in the dark. I turned around, feeling this sudden chill run down my spine, but there was absolutely nobody there. This happened a few times within just an hour. Then, later that night, as I was trying to drift off, someone actually whispered "tomo" right in my ear. I jumped out of my skin, and then I heard something—some kind of heavy thudding—running down the stairs. To make matters worse, I woke up this morning and found this drawing on my desk that I don't even remember making. It’s some kind of twisted blueprint for slaughtering animals... anything living, really. I don't know, maybe I should start looking into stronger medication because I am genuinely starting to get scared...
I suppose I didn't truly grasp the gravity of my actions until I had quite literally torn the head off a Twitter bird with my own teeth. It wasn't until my mouth was absolutely drenched in blood and... well, everything else, that I finally vomited and broke down into tears. I honestly don't know what is happening to me, but there is this constant, nagging urge to consume organs—and lately, the craving for human ones has become increasingly intense. It scares me deeply. Now, I just spend all my time lying around, drifting in and out of sleep like some sort of zombie. I am desperately hoping that I will be allowed home by Christmas; I really don't want to end up like Billy from that movie Black Christmas. Mentally speaking, I feel quite similar to him... I can only hope they let me go home soon.
There is something I really shouldn't be sharing, but I suppose I have to. About a week ago, while I was still inpatient at the hospital, I developed this intense, irrational craving to eat raw organs. The doctor was actually encouraging my nutrition, telling me to eat up, but once we finally stepped outside for some fresh air and a walk, things took a turn. I was just sitting there in the courtyard when a Twitter bird flew too close, and before I knew it, I lunged. I actually managed to catch it, though unfortunately, I ended up eating it. Of course, the doctors rushed over immediately to calm me down and they had to take me back inside the facility. Now, they've put me on a new medication, and I must say, it makes me incredibly drowsy; everything feels quite slow and heavy. I felt the need to share this with everyone here because, frankly, I have no one else to talk to. It seems everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of serial killer, but I assure you, I am just an ordinary man—perhaps just slightly different from the rest of you.🙂
Back when I was going through a particularly dark period, I actually went out and bought myself a surgical kit for operations. I spent a significant amount of money on it, and I even bought a specialized case because he told me I needed everything organized for the procedures. I still have all of it at my house. Every time I head home for the weekend from the hospital, I get this sudden chill run down my spine, and I hear this single voice whispering, "It isn't finished." It makes me shudder, and I find myself putting everything back where it belongs. I honestly don't know what it means, but the voices haven't left. Now, I've been prescribed a new medication called Olanzapine—it's an orally disintegrating tablet—but the thing is, whether I am at home or at the hospital, those voices just keep coming back.
Well, I suppose I shall follow your advice then. I intend to commit myself to my treatment so that I might actually feel better. For these past few days, the voices have subsided somewhat, and I’ve been prescribed some new medications—I believe they are helping, as I find myself engaging with people much more frequently now.
I am going to start making a fuss about being discharged from the hospital; I intend to pretend I am perfectly healthy because I simply cannot endure staying there any longer. My own mind keeps whispering to me that I am harming these patients—that I am performing some sort of unspeakable, vile acts—and frankly, I would much rather be back in my own home than stay here just to be medicated into a state of compliance. Whatever happens after that, well, that is for the universe to decide, I suppose. Does anyone happen to have a contact number for an exceptionally good psychiatrist? Ideally, someone who might offer services without a massive bill, though I realize that may be asking too much. Please, if anyone can help, let me know.
My official diagnosis is this: Catatonic Schizophrenia - F 20.2 I must admit, I am somewhat out of my depth here. I am currently on a heavy regimen of medications, though, if I am being perfectly honest, they tend to leave me feeling quite wretched—to the point where I sometimes find myself wishing I weren't around at all. Furthermore, I have been plagued by these intrusive auditory hallucinations, almost as if there is a compulsion to kill someone and consume them alive. That said, perhaps it is merely my perception, but the intensity seems to have diminished somewhat since I left my house; being here, in this facility, feels slightly more manageable. I suppose I am curious as to what your collective thoughts might be regarding this particular diagnosis?
Yes, I did ask for it, and now we’ll just have to see how things unfold. I’m hoping for the best. I’ve been there for two weeks now, and for the most part, everything seems to be settling down quite nicely. Still, I suppose those lingering thoughts about microchipping and a few other matters haven't entirely vanished from my mind, though I am hopeful that those concerns will eventually stabilize as well. I really do appreciate you all being there for me. 😁
If someone was just high, this would probably pass in a day or two. But we’re talking about two agonizing years of zero progress—just endless, looping thoughts about murder, implanting chips in people's heads, and consuming organs. I felt absolutely horrific when he told me just two days ago... he said I had to take my pet parrot, the one I love so dearly, and rip its head off with my teeth, drink all its blood, and eat its organs. After that, I ended up vomiting and pounding on my chest, struggling to catch my breath for about thirty seconds. I feel terrible right now. I've started taking a larger dose of C. Remedica, so maybe that will help. Is it actually possible for things to get better? Please, tell me there's a way forward. Is it possible for this to subside.. 🙂
I just can't bring myself to go back to the hospital. I spent four months stuck in there and honestly, I came out feeling even worse than when I went in. It was terrifying, and I’m never doing that again. To make matters worse, my condition has taken a turn for the worse lately. I’m genuinely scared—scared that I might hurt someone else, and scared that I might hurt myself, too. I keep getting these thoughts that I need to implant chips into people, but then I'll just lose focus on that and start hurting myself instead. I really don't know what to do with myself. Right now, I'm taking TAB, but I've added some new stuff to the mix: Katena, Fevarin, Seroxat, and Clozapine Remedica. I suppose those are probably the most effective ones I've tried so far, if that's even possible.