Schizophrenia - General Discussion
in Psychology & Therapy ·
Hey there!
My therapist thinks I’ve finally lost my marbles... she put me under observation and started me on antipsychotics.
It all kicked off about two years ago when I was in a really dark place. I was depressed, overly emotional... unstable, irritable, disconnected from reality, and feeling suicidal. The real issue was that I just didn't trust her to actually nail the diagnosis... let alone find the right treatment plan.
I kept turning down the meds. Every single suggestion I met with pushback. "This one's old school," "this one causes weight gain," "people on Reddit say this one is garbage"... blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't back down until she gave me something brand new—something where I couldn't even find any reviews online.
Regardless, I didn't want to take anything... because I truly believed I was special enough... unique and tough enough... to just white-knuckle my way through these "problems" using pure willpower.
Then I stopped seeing her altogether... and naturally, I decided my issues weren't caused by my mental health... they were caused by the people around me, my coworkers, everyone I ran into. Basically... everyone else is just incompetent... and I'm the one suffering because of them.
The fallout was this pathological hatred for people... mixed with a constant fear of them, too, because I felt like they only brought me misery. And I'm the one hurting.
THEN IT HIT ME: if suffering is tied to emotions... then what the hell do I need emotions for? I don't need them. So, I basically went out of my way to stop feeling anything toward anyone at all.
And honestly? It worked. I didn't give a damn about anybody... and I was mostly just arrogant toward people.
I didn't have friends... I thought that was for weaklings. No emotional connections... I thought that was primitive.
Eventually, I realized I just wanted to be completely alone in the world. Without seeing, hearing, or interacting with a single soul.
Which led to me losing my job.
No job... means no money.
No money... means no freedom, and no anything else for that matter.
That's how you end up miserable... but you can't admit you're miserable because you have to maintain your image.
And when you're trying to act like a big shot... the fact that you're actually miserable is always someone else's fault... and it just goes in circles.
Then you realize the world isn't really a place for you... and that it might be better to just end it all. There’s nothing left to look for here.
Still... just to be safe... I went back to that therapist of mine.
She asked if I was willing to take the medication this time, and I... well, I promised I would.
So, I started.
I've been taking everything she prescribed regularly for a month now... and I have to admit, I feel amazing.
I'm actually fun to be around now... telling jokes to people... and I love seeing them smile. It feels good when people notice how much I've changed... and even my problems and worries seem... manageable now.
I've even started apologizing to people for my mistakes... or my rudeness.
And I actually like it.
Now... if this is all just because of the meds... I'm terrified that one day they'll take them away... and I'll turn back into that old, terrible version of myself.
😢
My therapist thinks I’ve finally lost my marbles... she put me under observation and started me on antipsychotics.
It all kicked off about two years ago when I was in a really dark place. I was depressed, overly emotional... unstable, irritable, disconnected from reality, and feeling suicidal. The real issue was that I just didn't trust her to actually nail the diagnosis... let alone find the right treatment plan.
I kept turning down the meds. Every single suggestion I met with pushback. "This one's old school," "this one causes weight gain," "people on Reddit say this one is garbage"... blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't back down until she gave me something brand new—something where I couldn't even find any reviews online.
Regardless, I didn't want to take anything... because I truly believed I was special enough... unique and tough enough... to just white-knuckle my way through these "problems" using pure willpower.
Then I stopped seeing her altogether... and naturally, I decided my issues weren't caused by my mental health... they were caused by the people around me, my coworkers, everyone I ran into. Basically... everyone else is just incompetent... and I'm the one suffering because of them.
The fallout was this pathological hatred for people... mixed with a constant fear of them, too, because I felt like they only brought me misery. And I'm the one hurting.
THEN IT HIT ME: if suffering is tied to emotions... then what the hell do I need emotions for? I don't need them. So, I basically went out of my way to stop feeling anything toward anyone at all.
And honestly? It worked. I didn't give a damn about anybody... and I was mostly just arrogant toward people.
I didn't have friends... I thought that was for weaklings. No emotional connections... I thought that was primitive.
Eventually, I realized I just wanted to be completely alone in the world. Without seeing, hearing, or interacting with a single soul.
Which led to me losing my job.
No job... means no money.
No money... means no freedom, and no anything else for that matter.
That's how you end up miserable... but you can't admit you're miserable because you have to maintain your image.
And when you're trying to act like a big shot... the fact that you're actually miserable is always someone else's fault... and it just goes in circles.
Then you realize the world isn't really a place for you... and that it might be better to just end it all. There’s nothing left to look for here.
Still... just to be safe... I went back to that therapist of mine.
She asked if I was willing to take the medication this time, and I... well, I promised I would.
So, I started.
I've been taking everything she prescribed regularly for a month now... and I have to admit, I feel amazing.
I'm actually fun to be around now... telling jokes to people... and I love seeing them smile. It feels good when people notice how much I've changed... and even my problems and worries seem... manageable now.
I've even started apologizing to people for my mistakes... or my rudeness.
And I actually like it.
Now... if this is all just because of the meds... I'm terrified that one day they'll take them away... and I'll turn back into that old, terrible version of myself.
😢