I'm curious if there's any psychotropic medication out there that actually improves cognitive function. I can barely think, speak, or find the initiative to do anything; my creativity and memory have basically bottomed out. Currently, I'm just on a monthly injection of xeplion 150 mg.
Nobody gives a damn about our struggles; we can only find solace among those who actually get it. Psychiatrists just seem intent on drugging us senseless, yet none of these treatments actually work. The moment you start overanalyzing your own symptoms, you fall into a vicious cycle of new sensations and even more meds, which only makes everything worse.🙂
Rebecca Rivera3 said:To me, death feels more like an exit than a disease. Unfortunately, I'm feeling suicidal today; there's just no drive left in me... nothing at all. I am very close to being hospitalized... I simply don't want to live anymore.
Get your priorities straight. Neither death nor a hospital is the answer. There is always Nada! Hang in there, because I'm certain there's still something out there that interests you—but if you have the urge to end it, go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY!
Finding a purpose in life is essential. The worst thing you can do is surrender to despair and try to medicate your way out of it. It becomes a vicious cycle where you spiral into endless introspection, obsessing over symptoms and hoping a pill will fix everything. Usually, the medication just triggers side effects even worse than the original problem, trapping you in a loop of switching drugs to treat the side effects of the last one. You think you're helping yourself, but you're actually just drifting toward a total breakdown, re-hospitalization, or worse. Benzodiazepines are particularly dangerous; they offer instant relief but leave you hooked. Antipsychotics might stop hallucinations, but they numb your brain so much that you fall into depression, necessitating antidepressants. Eventually, you're just drinking a cocktail that destroys your liver and brain over time. I went through the hell of tapering off xanaks and various other pills; it took forever, and looking back, I realized I hadn't moved an inch forward. I've tried almost every antipsychotic on the market, and none were worth it because the side effects were unbearable. Now, I’m strictly on 150 mg of xepilon via an injection once every 28 days, and nothing else. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that I managed to ditch all that other junk—though I wouldn't even be on this if I hadn't been forced into it. My thirty years of experience tells me one thing: stick to monotherapy and just deal with the side effects.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Angela Kim, in what way are you experiencing psychosis? Did it help with those symptoms?
Elevated consciousness. Euphoria, hypersensitivity, zero regard for anyone else's needs. I felt invincible, then crashed into depression. Now I'm just focused, but that's only because I'm on Xepilon. When I was mixing it with Haldol and Prazin, things were significantly worse. Since coming off those, I feel slightly better, though nothing compares to how I felt when I wasn't on anything at all.
I’ve tried both the injections and the pills. After the shots, I felt completely wiped out—just sluggish and heavy. Even when I added the tablets to the regimen, the result was the same: total lethargy, zero motivation, and a complete inability to focus. Things finally started clearing up cognitively once I stopped, but then the depression came rushing back. I’m currently just on Xepilon injections; I won't touch antidepressants because those kill you just as effectively. It’s a catch-22. Every medication numbs my brain, but without them, I'm psychotic.
Robin White2 said:This sounds like severe depression. My doctor once mentioned that thyroid issues, vitamin D deficiency, or low iron can mimic these symptoms, alongside the depression itself. It’s like running on an empty tank. I wouldn't say I'm having dark thoughts, but I am completely drained. Everything feels like an uphill battle.
Thanks, Robin White2. I don't have suicidal ideation because that solves nothing, but the lack of willpower and energy is undeniable. Fatigue is the main issue. I forgot to mention that about ten days ago, I was dealing with heavy night sweats; that lasted nearly a month before finally stopping. My fatigue has dipped slightly since the sweating ceased, and my sleep seems marginally better, though I occasionally take 10 mg of Tylenol PM. That actually leaves me feeling more sluggish and unmotivated the next day, forcing me to crash for another two or three hours in the afternoon. Last Sunday, I managed almost seven hours of sleep without medication, and the week went reasonably well. I've realized I function best when I'm midway through my monthly injection cycle while getting at least seven hours of rest. Without sleep aids, any other combination leaves me completely depleted. Thanks for the input.🙂
Carol Barrett2 said:They prescribed me Xanax for sleep, though I can sleep with it or without it. I know how to sleep with it, and I know how to sleep without it, just like I know how to stay awake regardless.
They put me on Haldol for auditory hallucinations—except I didn't even have them; the hospital just wrote it down because I was giving them a hard time and getting into arguments, and since my old lady didn't really believe me back then due to some trauma she went through, which still affects her today, they just labeled me.
Anyway, I’ve got an extra box or two lying around, so if my anxiety starts making me forget things or mess with my ideas, I'll just take a Xanax on my own initiative.
I actually used to take it alongside the Haldol when my folks would get on my case, even though they aren't supposed to be mixed. It was awful—between the nagging and the fights, mixing the two made everything worse. I’d end up having even bigger nervous breakdowns because of the constant friction and the combination of drugs. I had meltdowns even without mixing the Haldol and Xanax, so I honestly don't know if the combo was triggering the breakdowns or if it was just the fighting and the stress.
My memory isn't great regardless, and I don't have any proper gear to easily jot down my ideas. Working on these concepts is more of a hobby for me; it might even be what keeps me sane. Since I’m unemployed and dealing with both physical and mental health issues, if I didn't have this outlet, who knows where I'd be by now. Maybe in a dark place—I mean, I have suicidal thoughts, but I’m passive about them.
Most of the time, I don't even finish these projects; I just scribble things down. Whatever, it takes up a lot of mental energy, and I need to relax too. Though, lately, I find myself relaxing more and working on them less, ever since I got a computer and a phone.
Back before I had those, when I was writing everything down in notebooks, I worked on them way more.
P.S. I don't have "innovations" or "patents." Just ideas—though maybe they count as innovations, since that's basically the same thing to me—but they aren't official patents. They're just written out with a few rough sketches. I'm not much of an artist, and I agree with everything you said.
Maybe it would be best if they just prescribed me Xanax and nothing else. Just something to keep me calm. But whatever, nobody listens to me or asks how I am anyway, and I don't exactly have anyone here to turn to.
Take care. 🙂
I'm no expert, but based on what I've seen, I'd suggest taking as little medication as possible. Sometimes the best medicine is none at all, and other times, a cocktail is absolutely necessary. Psychotropic drugs affect everyone's brain chemistry differently, so every patient's response is unique. I won't overstep by telling you to ignore your prescribed therapy since I don't know the full picture, but if you haven't dealt with hallucinations, depersonalization, or delusions, maybe sticking to Xanax is enough. One thing is certain: you should get back to your notebook and your ideas. They provide mental relief and purpose. An idea can be brilliant enough to be worth something on its own, and eventually, someone will come along to make it real. So, pick up the pen again. Above all, prioritize having a functional relationship with the people around you. Avoid unnecessary conflicts; failing to maintain self-control will only land you back in a crisis. Tolerance and self-regulation are vital. P.S. This is just my opinion; take it for what it's worth.
Carol Barrett2 said:Honestly, today—well, I guess it started being a disaster last night. I finally drifted off right around 6 AM when the bells at the local cathedral started ringing. As soon as I hit the pillow, my brain started spiraling about all the stuff I need—like how I don't even own a digital recorder or any decent gear to capture my dreams or those random thoughts that hit me when I wake up. I’m convinced it was some massive idea. I spent the entire time sleeping just trying to backtrack through my head to remember what I was forgetting. I slept for 13 hours straight, and yet, when I finally rolled out of bed, I felt like absolute garbage. Just restless and totally out of sorts—especially until a little bit ago. So, yeah, I’m taking an Ativan on my own accord just to take the edge off and settle my nerves.
The whole day has been a total wash.
It’s probably for the best that you took a sedative. Before I started my current regimen, I used to have constant ideas; about 5% of them actually turned into legitimate innovations or patents, while the rest was pure junk. Now, the ideas have dried up, but overall I’m better off because the psychotic symptoms—which used to hitch a ride on those ideas—are gone. Before, I would wander too far out there, which led to total chaos and eventual hospitalizations. Even if my brain feels slowed down now, it allows me to focus on actual responsibilities. I'm not sure if you're strictly on Ativan or if you're taking other meds as prescribed. The issue is that all antipsychotics cut both the good and the bad neural connections equally. You're left with the dilemma of being a creative lunatic without meds or a vegetable with them. That's my reality. I realized long ago that compromise is the only way, so I stick to my primary prescription without anything else that totally disables me. I deal with the side effects and function despite the limited clarity. I might function like an idiot, but at least I avoid hospitalization, and that is my priority.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:Angela Kim, I don't know how old you are, but you need to realize you're just caught up in a massive crush. In your case, this kind of infatuation isn't going away.
I'm over fifty. I have interests beyond mere infatuation; what I feel is love, or perhaps an addiction. I can't function without her. A day without her is unimaginable.
Rebecca Rivera3 said:It just keeps going... total stagnation... zero signs of life...
Rebecca Rivera3; I don't know how old you are or if there's actually anyone in your real life you could fall for and be intimate with. Believe me, I know from experience. I once fell for a friend when I was completely depressed and broken; she brought me back to life through her advice and just being there. I love her, even though we aren't sexual, and I would never trade our friendship for sex because she’s my rock and she understands me, just as I help her whenever I can. I truly believe men and women can have genuine friendships. I know this because while I feel a strong physical attraction to her, I channel that energy into sustaining our bond instead. She is what keeps me moving. There are times I've been on the edge of suicide, but hanging out with her pulls me back because I feel responsible for her if I were gone. I live for those moments we spend together every day; she has become my purpose. FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. GIVE YOURSELF TO THEM. Giving love is the best thing you can do. Between antidepressants and having a real friend, it goes a long way.
My mood is all over the place. I feel depressed in the morning, then it eases up by evening—though there’s no euphoria, just constant brain fog and struggling to think clearly. I can't tell if this is the illness itself or just the long-term side effects from psychiatric meds. Not a troll, just looking for some insight.
I feel a tiny bit better and actually have a reason to keep going now that the friend I’m pretty sure totally screwed me over just sent me a "goodnight" text.
What do you do when you lose every ounce of will and motivation to keep going? You stop trusting anyone. You lose your last remaining friend. You don't trust mental health professionals because, based on experience, no doctor has actually helped you. You’re alone, you’re older, and you're dealing with various physical ailments. When life hits this hard, even the smallest daily task feels like an impossible burden. You can't respond to any demand, nor can you even identify your own symptoms, because it feels like you're trapped in a complete spectrum of psychosis, intellectual decline, and social dysfunction—all because these limitations strip away your ability to react. When problems break you so completely that you just collapse into sleep from pure exhaustion and hopelessness, seeing no way out. Every attempt at a solution has been a mere drop in the ocean. When death feels like the final hope for things to get better, and you know it isn't just depression—because just yesterday, when a tiny spark of hope appeared, you fought for it, only to have today's problems bury you under the weight of it all. When there is no association left, no striving, and no hope. Just a desperate craving for a shred of hope, a moment of joy, or some sense of satisfaction.
This is how I feel. I am currently on 150 mg monthly of ChatGPT therapy. I'm not taking anything else, nor do I want to, because other medications just dull my intellect and leave me incapacitated. I've tried them, and I simply want to live. Has anyone here experienced anything similar?
goldenraven3 said:What should I do if I’m worried about another decompensation episode? For the last few days, my sleep hasn't been great, I'm having trouble focusing, and I've completely lost my appetite.
I am NOT a professional. Don't hold me to my word, but if I felt this, I’d suspect a manic phase. First, I'd prioritize sleep to let the brain reset. Maybe take a sedative, though whether benzodiazepines or antipsychotics are better for you is something to settle with your psychiatrist. I wouldn't advise pushing through this stage; the brain needs sleep to regenerate. Your appetite will likely return once you're sedated, but don't self-medicate. Talk to a specialist. Regards.
Arthur Scott79 said:I just realized I completely neglected to mention in my previous comment that I actually went ahead and consulted with my psychiatrist—and apparently, my symptoms don't align with anything related to schizophrenia at all.
🙂 Nice. I’m glad you realized it's not there, but more importantly, I'm glad it's actually true. It was wise to consult a specialist as the FBI suggested, but don't ignore your vision either—you need clear sight to be a driver, and from what I can tell, that's your real goal. Just relax. If your eyesight is an issue, don't spiral; it isn't worth the stress. There isn't much to do besides getting professional help. Look at it this way: when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. There will always be career paths you can learn that are similar to what you want. You're smart enough to figure it out.
Arthur Scott79 said:Thanks a million. Honestly, I spend an absurd amount of time glued to my PC—gaming is practically my full-time job at this point—and my parents are constantly riding my back about it, you know? "Don't ruin your eyesight, son," they say... it’s the same old lecture every single day. But look, I've always had this massive dream of driving a semi-truck professionally one day, so I suppose I really ought to be a bit more careful with my vision now if I want that to actually happen. Anyway, thanks again. 🙂
👍 Great. Just listen to your parents and cut back on the screen time. You've overstimulated yourself with internet content, which explains what you're feeling. Don't worry; you're a smart kid. Statistically, people with strabismus tend to be above average in intelligence, and you have a bright future ahead. Just protect your vision and go get it checked out. Don't overthink things or take everything to heart—it would be ridiculous to start worrying about schizophrenia when you clearly don't have it. Good luck. 🙂👍
Arthur Scott79 said:Greetings—I stumbled upon this forum quite by chance. To be perfectly honest, I have always had a penchant for macabre tales and horror stories, but this particular incident... well, it truly pushed me over the edge. It all started on Instagram, in a photography group, where there was this image of a Siberian Husky—it was smiling, but with these absolutely demonic eyes—and the caption claimed that simply looking at the photo would drive you insane and lead you to take your own life. I was so utterly terrified that I couldn't sleep for two full days. By the third night, I even tried sleeping in my brother's bed just to feel some sense of security, but sleep eluded me entirely. Then, a sudden, piercing headache struck me so hard I felt physically nauseated. Eventually, I managed to drift off, somehow. However, the following day, I began experiencing this sharp pain on the left side of my head, near the crown. I took some Tylenol and the pain subsided, but then things took a turn for the worse. When I attempted to nap in the afternoon, I would be jolted awake by these violent, full-body spasms—just total convulsions. I've also been suffering from these sudden bouts of panic, where this overwhelming sense of dread just washes over me out of nowhere. My family has noticed that something is clearly wrong. My mother actually decided to stay in the room with me to watch over me; when I walked into the darkened bedroom, I suddenly saw hundreds of tiny, white, flickering sparks dancing before my eyes. As she entered the room wearing a white T-shirt, moving toward the closet, there appeared to be this strange mist hanging in front of and behind her—it looked as though she were frozen in place for about two seconds, even though she was actually walking toward the closet. I blinked, and for a moment, it was as if airplane propellers were spinning right in front of my vision. But again, it passed. Once my mother stayed the night, the fear subsided slightly, yet these panic attacks persist—this sudden, crushing anxiety and nausea. Furthermore, when I see white spots on the wall the next day, they transform into black dots, and when I enter a dark room, white specks appear only to vanish instantly. I should mention that I wear glasses and deal with strabismus. I've read online that this could indicate retinal damage. But more than that, I don't feel like myself anymore—everything feels "off." I haven't had full-blown hallucinations, nor do I feel like I am being watched, but the distress is becoming unbearable; I have found myself thinking about suicide quite frequently. Is there any possibility that I am developing schizophrenia?
I think you're overthinking this and being overly dramatic. You don't have schizophrenia. You likely have mild anxiety (OCD). Get your eyes checked and stop stressing. Hang in there.👍
Jose Ward4 said:Hold on, Angela Kim. Are you male or female?
I'm male, obviously. There was a phase where I actually enjoyed wearing makeup and looking feminine, though I'm neither gay nor trans. I just think women are the peak of beauty, which is why I chose this name and handle. I have this subconscious urge to look like a girl while keeping my anatomy as is. I don't know if that's sick; I don't feel right in this body. IS IT SICK? I suspect schizophrenia. I used to refuse treatment because my psychiatrist took issue with my long hair, so I quit my meds and appointments out of spite since I felt threatened. Naturally, things spiraled, and I ended up back in the hospital. They had to cut my hair, which crushed me. It felt like being castrated, and I kept having dreams about my hair. Waking up into that depression was brutal. I'm on Xepilon injections now, but I still fantasize about being a girl making love to her best friend. I AM A LESBIAN TRAPPED IN A MALE BODY. A DOUBLE TRANSFORMATION. I DON'T THINK I HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA. AM I RIGHT?