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Ugh... I know that feeling all too well. I used to lie awake at night just tossing and turning, but honestly? Eventually, you just learn how to be okay being alone.
It would be nice to have someone in my life who actually looks out for me and truly cares—someone who understands that I still need my own space and doesn't expect us to be glued at the hip every single day. But let's be real: that’s a tall order. Most people, once they fall in love, become incredibly clingy and start hovering over you constantly... it's exhausting. It's basically an impossible mission.
Honestly, I think having some kind of pilot would be pretty alright too.😬
I recently realized that I only have maybe two real friends—people who don't suffocate me, but I can still reach out whenever I feel like talking. They’re perfectly fine with this dynamic because they actually know me; they get that I’m just someone who occasionally can't stand people. It’s all about that balanced, one-on-one give and take.
I really need to hammer it into my head that I won't be everyone's cup of tea, but man, that's a tough mission since I'm pretty narcissistic. Lately, I've started distancing myself from these "quasi-friends." The only thing that really gets under my skin is when they pry about whether I have a boyfriend. When I tell them I don't, they make these pathetic little faces. As if that's the most important thing in the universe! Like, what, am I supposed to drop out of college, marry the first guy who walks by, and knock out a few kids just so everyone else can be happy? Well, except for me, obviously. When will people finally grasp that we don't all fit into the same little mold? Some of us just choose a different path. Anyway, I'm glad there are people like us out there...😘
I’ve always struggled to really fit in with social circles. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I never seem to forge those deep, lasting friendships. Because of that, I’ve spent my whole life trying way too hard—trying to be nice to everyone, trying to make them like me, and basically playing people along just to eventually win them over as friends. I know now that it doesn't work that way, so lately, I’ve started adopting this almost ruthless, cynical, and "toxic" attitude instead...
Everything I’ve ever experienced in terms of affection has just been shallow flirting. Honestly, the thought of getting into a real relationship or having to "answer" to someone scares the hell out of me. It gets to the point where I feel like telling guys the second I get to know them that I'm only interested in sex, not love. I just can't wrap my head around being permanently tied to another person, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend. I have this nagging feeling that doing that would just end up suffocating me as an individual. I absolutely loathe the idea of "depending" on anyone, which is why I actually feel most comfortable right now while I'm alone. But at the same time, I can't ignore that basic human need for security and protection—I miss having someone to lean on!
How do I help myself?