Posts by Nathan Ramirez2

First off, I totally botched the title—it really should have been: HIM, THE MOTHER-IN-LAW, OR ME!!!
Look, I’m not saying she’s the *only* one to blame here—not even close—because most of this mess is actually on my wonderful husband. He’s the one who tells me one thing and then turns around and tells them something completely different! He should be the one stepping up and saying, "Hey Mom, this is how it's going to be for my wife," or "This is what's happening for us," instead of playing both sides... and that right there is why everything is blowing up in our faces. Her only real issue is that she’s become so incredibly possessive and exhausting—which, honestly, wasn't even the case until I got pregnant.
OK, I see where the confusion is coming from, because I wasn't out here badmouthing her or leaking his private secrets to his dad, honey—I was just repeating what she shouted at me during an actual fight: That she wanted to get rid of me!!!! I had literally just given birth when that happened, and seeing her true colors like that... I just couldn't believe my own ears. My father-in-law didn't have a clue, and neither did anyone else, so people were all acting so weird about why I suddenly cut her off. I wasn't trashing her reputation; I was just telling him the truth he didn't know. But whatever, it doesn't matter now.
And besides that—regardless of the fact that we're living in their house on their turf—it shouldn't matter. I always felt like we hadn't moved past the last century, you know? Like, the second a woman gets married and moves into a new home, she’s expected to just shut up and do everything exactly how everyone else envisions it. I grew up in a small rural town, so to me, that whole mindset feels so primitive. In my own house, I'm the boss. Period.
As for the whole ironing thing, those are two totally different scenarios. Maybe you'd love it if your mother-in-law did your laundry or cooked for you, but not me—I've always wanted to build my own life and take care of my own family. And just because my mother-in-law is overbearing while yours is cold and stingy, it doesn't mean one is better or worse than the other. It’s not like your situation is "better" or "worse" than mine; they're just different, just like we're different people living completely different lives. I don't want to come across as some pathetic victim having a miserable life because of her—because that's not it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this stuff to prove to myself that I'm not losing my mind. And yeah, maybe I didn't realize exactly what kind of life I'd be leading—you can't exactly predict the future—and to the outside world, it looks like we live separately and "have everything we could ever want." But that's not the point. It's not about who built the house, whose house it is, or who's in charge. I didn't move in to tear the place down, nor am I trying to rule the kingdom; I just want to live my life with my husband and our little one since we're already here. I can't change someone, and I don't want to. I don't even need him to choose me over his mom. I know things won't change overnight—maybe just small things—but clearly, it’s going to take time and a whole lot of patience...

Here I am! And this one is going to be even longer. I have way too much to get off my chest.
First off: it’s not like I didn't see it coming—I was with him for five years, after all. I wasn't clueless; I actually had a great relationship with his mother. We used to talk about everything, and honestly, I thought she was wonderful. But once I found out I was pregnant and told them, everything just flipped. The real turning point? It was when we were just chatting casually about how I’d prep meals the day before I head to work, and if he’s stuck at the office, it wouldn't be an issue for him to just turn the stove knob and boil some potatoes... and she hits me with, "Well, he won't be hungry." Then there was the other moment, just days before the wedding, when I was out doing the shopping for our new house. He was in Washington, D.C. with her for work, and they bumped into each other at a Whole Foods. She just absolutely shredded me right there—asking why on earth I’d be cooking everything just for him, and what about *them* (her son and sister)? Where would they eat?! It finally clicked for me then, but because I’m so stubborn, I thought, "Fine, I’ll figure it out." Basically, she had a total meltdown when I mentioned we’d gradually start living more independently, but I had the meltdown when she asked what I was planning to cook for him and me! (I mean, obviously, since that’s how I’ve lived for 25 years!) So, she flipped the script—because things weren't going her way and she saw I was looking at life differently, she played the guilt card, making him feel bad about "separating" from her when they work together. My parents lived in a separate house on the same property, you know? They ate separately, cooked separately, did laundry separately... even when my grandma stayed with us, she’d come over regularly and we'd watch TV together, but we rarely ate as one big group, and they never meddled. They had a great relationship.
Second: The father-in-law. Truth is, he was never really interested in her. Just to give you context, they spent the first year living in Washington, D.C., and then moved into his parents' house and started adding onto it. She wanted to establish their own space her whole life, but she couldn't get him to budge, mostly because her husband was so tied to his mother. He was always out, never home, treated her terribly, and—truth be told—he got overly attached to the baby during a really difficult labor. He didn't know half of what she was saying or doing to me, but I finally laid it all out for him recently. He wasn't happy about it at all. He said from now on, he's "between us two" instead of just being my husband's, and since then, things have been slightly better. Before this, I had totally isolated her—I wouldn't answer her questions, I barely spoke to her outside of necessary stuff, and it hurt her because she just wanted to "be good with me."
Third: Sex. There isn't any. He’s using it to punish me for my relationship with his mother. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, but now I know I'm right.
Fourth: He absolutely dotes on my little girl. I can't say she's totally submissive to my wishes; I give her instructions and she follows them, but she has this desire to protect her when I go to work, which is something I simply won't tolerate. I want her in daycare, and that’s what my husband and I agreed upon. Everyone tells me this is the major turning point in my life—that if I cave here, I might as well just swallow whatever she cooks and accept it all. And they are absolutely right.
Fifth: If I keep going like this, I’m going to end up just like her and lose myself entirely (which is exactly what happened to her). I haven't even hit the one-year mark yet, so I’m still fighting it, but a lifetime of this? I can see it now. If I give in to the many, many things I swore I'd never allow, I'll just tell myself, "Well, that's just life." What a life! Mine is mine, I chose it, and if I can't make it work, there are always solutions. It’s not like there's only one way to live, whether you're in the suburbs or the city. I'm young, I'm educated, and my whole life is ahead of me. Ugh, look at me being all optimistic.
Sixth: It is total "All in the Family" vibes.
Seventh: Communication? It's a complete blackout. You can't talk to him. And one of the main culprits—guess who?—is Mom, who has spent his entire life telling him he's right even when he's dead wrong. To him, any critique is an attack. Any conversation is an attack. The only thing that isn't an attack is a joke. But even then, when I try to make a joke—like, smiling and saying, "Please tell your mom not to fold my laundry while I'm gone (she did it once and I called her out immediately) because she can't be folding my underwear, she just can't, I don't want it"—even when I'm visibly agitated but trying to smile... it is SO EXHAUSTING! I tried, I really did, but I failed when she folded my undies. I mean, is it not embarrassing for her to be looking at the underwear I wear while I sleep with her son??? I don't get it!!! I even tried asking her once, "Why were you guys ironing this?" which was probably pretty arrogant, but I hope she got the hint. If she didn't, then I'm moving to full-scale action.
Alright, fine, I guess I finally got my answers—mostly because everything I was already thinking is exactly what’s being said right here.

Look, I’m not even married, but I’m definitely not one of those people who just throws in the towel and walks away because it’s the "easy way out"... I fight for my family, even if it feels like a losing battle sometimes—which, let's be honest, is totally unnecessary since the fair-weather friends were always there anyway...

Anyway, thanks everyone. I know some of you might be a little shocked—like, "wow, how could she let things get this crazy?"—but hey, love and marriage really can work miracles, I guess...

Maybe I should have posted this under "living with the mother-in-law" or something, but honestly, I need a more professional perspective on this whole mess. I got married less than a year ago to my husband—we were together for five years before that, but we’d never actually lived together. We have a little girl, too, who we both absolutely adore. Like most women, I wanted the whole dream: get married, have kids, build a life, cook for him, handle the laundry, the ironing, the parenting... you know the drill. But that dream basically went up in smoke on day one because I realized we weren't actually alone. We live in a house just ten minutes away from his family—his parents built it on his mom's insistence, which is a huge deal right there. And get this—the entire family business is run out of that same house. His dad, mom, sister, him, and about twenty other employees all work there, and we’re just living on the second floor. They treat our place like a public terminal; they come over every single day for breakfast and stomp around like they own the joint, acting like "this is my house and I'm the boss." Okay, maybe that’s not ideal, but I tried to adjust. What I don't get is, if they built this house "for the kids," why don't I have any privacy? People just walk into my bedroom without knocking—I mean, that is seriously creepy to me. If I kept typing, this would go on forever, so I'll try to wrap it up. Everything is so poorly defined... I'm starting to feel like my husband is just "Mommy's boy" living by her rules, and he doesn't even realize it. He tells me one thing, then turns around and does another with them. When his mother attacked me several times, he didn't say a word or take my side—he should have. To everyone else, he acts like this big leader everyone follows, strong and decisive, but when it comes to making actual decisions with me? Total disaster. We've drifted so far apart... he doesn't hug me, doesn't show affection, and we barely even have sex anymore because he’s always "too tired" from the day. It's just a catastrophe. I cannot fathom how a mother can have such an insane grip on her son.
From a psychological standpoint, is there really such a thing as a mother-son bond where the mother is treated like a "saint" and you're treated like... nothing? Where every single attempt to talk about something she's doing wrong turns into World War III? And most importantly, is it the mother's fault for not letting go? Is she just unable to accept that a woman has entered his life—someone he's supposed to start a family with, someone who will care for him just like she did? Because the issue isn't just about chores—though, god, why did I take on all the ironing? I told her I'd be embarrassed if she was doing the ironing for me and my husband, but it wasn't enough. When we were on vacation, she actually brought her iron from home just to iron all my clothes! Isn't that a little pathological? That desperate need to be involved in his every move? Don't even get me started on the cooking. About two months into the marriage, I finally managed to cook lunch for just me and my husband, (and until then, we "had" to go eat with them every single day 9.3 miles plus, I was nine months pregnant and the roads were a nightmare), and she snapped at me right in front of the employees, saying "as if we don't need to eat too!" Then, for the second meal, she didn't even show up for work the next day and just stayed in bed crying all day long. Now that I'm writing it down, I see how totally abnormal this is. Or are mothers really just *that* attached to their sons? I try so hard to greet him with a smile so he feels like he's actually home, so he knows I'm trying, but he still keeps running "home" because he says that's his real home. We are rarely here—honestly, we barely exist in our own house. We just sleep here, and maybe three times a week we eat lunch here (just the husband, the little girl, and me). My mother-in-law keeps calling me "willful" and "stubborn," and I'm sitting here wondering why? Because I want to spend a full day with my husband? Because we go to their place every Sunday and we've never even had a Sunday lunch just us here? Because I want to create a home for him and the baby, and look after them, and I don't want to have to tell her a day in advance what I'm cooking? I'm not trying to be rude, but why does she need to know? Is that being willful, or is it just being an independent adult? Who is the real problem here—is it my husband, the mother-in-law, or maybe me? I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I don't need to adapt, but how am I supposed to adapt to things that are clearly not normal? I ask other women in similar situations, and not one of them tells me that her mother-in-law walks into her bedroom while she's sleeping with her husband just to "check in" on them!
Seriously, I need some backup here—please, hit me with whatever examples or advice you guys have lying around... anything helps!