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So, you’re essentially employing reverse psychology on yourself—though perhaps not in the most efficient way. Instead of dwelling on what might go wrong, try shifting the internal narrative; convince yourself that something positive is actually on the horizon, and eventually, reality tends to catch up with that conviction. You seem to be paralyzed by this constant fear of failure—a classic pessimistic loop that keeps you stuck before you even begin.
If you had to pick a movie character that truly resonates with you—and I don't mean a character who shares your specific life struggles, but rather one whose internal logic and way of processing the world mirrors your own—who would it be?