Posts by Alexander Lopez11

Samuel Miller21 said:So, it isn't as if everything is irreparable. 😉

No matter how devastating a setback might feel, there is an argument to be made that these moments can actually trigger a positive turning point in one's life. When we fail to meet the expectations others have placed upon us—and we manage to survive that fallout—it often becomes much easier to start pursuing what we truly desire for ourselves.

How do you perceive yourself right now? Do you have any specific aspirations or a particular path you hope to follow in the future?
When you use phrases like 'someone' or 'something,' what kind of imagery comes to mind?

I get the impression that you feel so disconnected from the world that even food has lost its appeal. But do you remember what used to bring you joy—back before this current phase—or was there at least something that captured your interest?

P.S. I do remember. I used to love going out, though I don't really care for that anymore. I liked doing my makeup, and I used to be interested in dating, but now that all seems so foreign to me. I loved dancing and singing, too. Back then, just having a sunny day was enough to make me feel happy. But now, even when the sun is shining brightest, everything just feels dark.

I suppose I still have a shot at this, since it’s just my high school graduation exams. I could always retake them if I had to, though there would be a fee involved. Honestly, the money isn't even the main issue for me; I just really need to feel better about where I stand.😢

I suppose I should check in and let you all know that I failed my exam. I had three core subjects to cover; I felt completely confident about two of them, but the third one just completely slipped through my fingers, and I didn't pass. Honestly, I've just been crying. I really wanted to make something of myself. I haven't eaten all day—I can't even bring myself to eat because the very thought of food makes me feel sick. Nothing brings me joy anymore; absolutely nothing. Everything feels so monotonous and dark. I tried going out with a friend to clear my head, but it didn't help at all; if anything, it made things worse because listening to her enjoy life just feels unbearable. There is one small glimmer of light in this whole miserable situation, though, which is that the person I mentioned before—the one whose love I never truly received—wants to come back into my life. But given how I'm feeling right now, I just can't bear the idea of anyone seeing me in this state. All I can talk about is death and these horrible, heavy things. Last night, I was gripped by this sudden wave of panic, and I don't even know what triggered it. I just can't cope, and it feels like nothing can fix it. I find myself wondering what I could have possibly done wrong in my life to have nothing but bad luck hitting me for nineteen years straight. How am I even supposed to be okay when everything around me feels so broken?

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me; I suppose it’s a bit of a relief to realize I’m not alone in this. Today, however, everything just feels especially heavy. I went out for a walk earlier and ran into an old acquaintance who invited me to grab a coffee, but when I saw how crowded the patio was, I just... I think I reached my breaking point and turned away immediately. I ended up back home crying harder than I ever have before. I can't help but feel like everyone is looking at me with such judgment, even people who don't even know who I am. To make matters worse, I have this massive exam tomorrow that seems to carry the weight of the entire school on its shoulders, yet I just can't seem to wrap my head around these last fifteen questions. I am trying so incredibly hard, I really am, but nothing is sticking. I fear that, somehow, I’m going to end up disappointing my parents, my teachers, and most of all, myself. I'm just terrified of failing again after promising myself 😢

Oh, it really was a beautiful chapter while it lasted, but I've moved on from him. I just don't feel like I have the capacity to be with anyone else right now; I suppose there is only one specific person I could see myself with, but unfortunately, that isn't an option for me at the moment. 😢 I truly am sorry that you find yourself in such a similar position, because honestly, I wouldn't wish that kind of heartache on even my worst enemy.

Amanda Stewart7, thank you so much for replying to my private message. I suppose it might be better if I just write out everything you asked here, because maybe it will feel a bit easier, and perhaps I might receive some extra advice or even hear from people who have actually navigated through similar struggles. It’s true—the reason I failed my freshman year of high school was that I lost all the friends I used to have. They all saw me as just being stupid or irresponsible. But I don't think anyone ever stopped to wonder why I was acting out so much, or why I started withdrawing into myself like that. For years, I’ve just been carrying this deep, quiet pain inside me that I couldn't bring myself to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else. It really stems from an unrequited love that I just couldn't let go of. I can't really talk to my parents about these things either, because they tend to treat me like I'm mentally unstable, which makes them start treating me like a little child instead of a person. So much has happened to me in these nineteen years; I lost my uncle in a car accident, my aunt passed away from leukemia, and my dad got so sick with diabetes he almost died. I honestly just feel like everyone is rejecting me, and I feel like I can never, ever be the person that everyone expects me to be. I just want to feel loved in the way I used to be. I want to reach a point where I finally realize I am beautiful on my own, rather than always needing other people to tell me so. I want to feel like I actually matter, like I'm someone important. And I guess, in the future, I want to be with someone I love so deeply that it actually makes all this current heartache feel even more intense. I truly want to leave the past behind and find some genuine, normal friends, though I know that feels nearly impossible right now given my mental state and the fact that I fell behind in school last year. I just want to be able to sleep at night like everyone else does, instead of lying there in the dark, trapped by these terrible thoughts. I sometimes wish someone would just care about me as a person—someone who once walked twelve miles through the snow just to see me. I have this overwhelming urge to go back in time and change everything, but since that isn't possible, I find myself thinking quite often that death might just be the most ideal way to end all this suffering.

Laura Morales5 said:There’s always a chance you might find someone just like yourself in a psych ward... and maybe you'll both end up happy together...

It’s honestly because of comments like that which makes me feel like I don't even want to reach out for help anymore.

I’ve been thinking about reaching out to a doctor lately, though I have to admit, the whole idea feels a bit daunting. I guess I worry that they might think I'm actually crazy, which isn't the case at all; it's just that I feel completely stuck and I'm not quite sure how to find my way out of this situation. 😢

So, I’m nineteen years old now. About a year ago, I went through a really dark chapter in my life, where things got so heavy that I actually started self-harming. I don't think it was just some phase or kids being dramatic, because I see how much kids today seem to treat that kind of stuff like it's some sort of trend, but I didn't even tell anyone what was happening back then. I mostly just wore black, stayed inside almost all day except when I had to go to school, and I just... stopped caring about studying, eating, or even talking to people. It all really started because of some heartache with a guy. Once I finally found a boyfriend and felt happy again, that depression seemed to vanish, and I’ve been doing okay since then. But lately, those same old shadows are creeping back in. I feel exhausted constantly. I don't want to go out, I feel anxious around groups of people, and I just don't feel comfortable around anyone. I’m unhappy with everything. I can't sleep at night. And honestly, I just wish I could die. I don't mean I want to say things like "I'll jump off a balcony" or anything extreme like that, but if I could just pass away peacefully and without any struggle, I think I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm absolutely nobody in this world, and I worry that I'll never truly be happy or have a family of my own. A lot of my friends—and even just people I know—don't really get it, mostly because they see how guys always flock to me wherever I go. To me, none of that matters. I'm just not interested. Nothing interests me. I feel like I'd rather just vanish from this earth, even if it meant spending eternity in some dark, lonely grave; I think that might actually be better than being here. I don't fit in anywhere. Nobody understands me, and I've even started drinking in the middle of the day, though it doesn't help at all. I don't really know why this depression keeps hitting me, but it feels so tragic that I'm facing this for the second time already. I'm only nineteen, yet I can't seem to enjoy life the way everyone else does. Nothing brings me joy, even though I suppose I have everything I could ever want. I just want it all to end.