Posts by Jeremy Clark23

Jason Vaughn482 said:I took it for about a year, though looking back, I really regret that because it contains aspartame; eventually, I made the switch over to Calixta—which is actually the exact same medication—and it works wonders for my sleep. That’s why I stick with it to this day. As far as anxiety goes, it does next to nothing for me; if you ask me, it seems much more geared toward treating depression...

Thanks for the reply—I actually read it a while ago but totally blanked on responding.

As for me, I’ve been taking it for two weeks now and haven't hit any of those side effects mentioned. I mean, maybe I'm a little sleepier than usual (which could just be how it interacts with my Valium), but it isn't messing with my day-to-day at all. My doctor prescribed this mainly to help me get past the guilt—that's just one way to put it—stemming from my relapse with alcohol, and to dial down the restlessness, or the anxiety. I'll give it another week or two since it hasn't touched the anxiety yet. I have an appointment at the clinic tomorrow, so I'll bring up the whole aspartame concern with them.

Hey everyone.
Has anyone here ever taken, or thought about taking, Xanax? Any experiences you can share?

My doctor put me on it yesterday, so, well, I've started.

Eric Mitchell55 said:I went through a mountain of antipsychotics myself, and nothing worked except for Zyprexa and Risperdal. But man, those gave me side effects that were way worse than just being sleepy, so honestly, Haldol felt like a dream (as long as you've got the Cogentin to balance it out—you can't do without it).

I wouldn't mess around with this either; I've been there. Total fool. (Even if it did feel good at the time.) 😳

Al. Well, I guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed that your body manages to adjust to that cocktail of meds as much as possible. Maybe eventually you can scale back the dosage... or something. Until then, just keep the coffee flowing. ☕ Good luck 🙂

Brian Young5 said:Look, I didn't mean to sound snobby.

But regarding the whole "no alcohol" thing, it’s not nothing to me. Sometimes I get hit with this wave of gloom thinking I might have to be on meds forever and never taste a single drop of that divine nectar again (there it is—that part of me that still romanticizes and glamorizes booze as an escape from painful emotions, anxiety, and loneliness). And then there's my favorite disinhibitor—since I'm naturally shy and introverted and struggle to open up, alcohol used to pave the way for smoother socializing. When I'm alone, I don't even think about getting buzzed, but being around people feels like they're poking at the little devil inside me and triggering that nostalgia for the times I loved that intoxicating rush of blood in my veins, that delicious dizziness, and that slight, euphoric floating sensation where everyone seems likable and everything feels right while under the Dionysian influence. I know drinking is strictly off-limits for me and I have strong willpower, so maybe the problem really is just the people I run into. Regarding this guy who acts sixteen: he was born in '76 (!), but he definitely shows signs that he hasn't quite grown up yet.

There's also this gap between the "pharmaceutical consumers" and the casual drinkers: people who drink are in this blissful state—euphoric, talkative, emotional, and high-spirited—whereas my meds just level everything out and distance me from my own emotions. It makes it hard to establish real, deep, intimate contact with another person or to be hilariously witty or extraordinary. It takes a long time for people to actually reach me. With my specific chemistry, all I can really do is pretend to be having a blast. Sure, sometimes I feel almost hypnotized by the energy around me and the excitement rubs off, so even sober I'll dance, laugh, and crack jokes—especially in good company—but often the difference between the beer drinker and the Valium user is painfully palpable. And that's where the real issue lies.
Clearly, I still need to work on not giving a damn about people trying to tempt me into sin.

Oh, and thanks for that supportive post. 🙂

I have to admit, you described that rift between desire—or need—and the actual reality of things quite well. And like I mentioned in my first reply, I think I can relate to you. I can’t, or rather, I shouldn't drink because I spiral into alcoholism; you shouldn't drink because of that specific cocktail of medications you're on. I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy those moments of being buzzed or drunk, either. During this latest relapse, which dragged on for eight months—not that I was drinking every single day, but more like falling into these deep, dopamine-driven binges—the social component, that pressure to fit in, was what messed with me the most. Now that I've actually gotten back on track, that pressure bothers me less. It's not gone, just... less. So, yeah, I know none of this is simple. For context, I was talking to a buddy of mine a few days ago who’s an ex-heroin addict, and we touched on that kind of stuff. He told me he wouldn't trade places with me—meaning, regarding the type of addiction. There's some truth to that. Social pressure has objective triggers, but the reaction to it is entirely subjective. That's where the work happens.

Getting back to your story. You might feel this sense of despondency forever as long as you believe it stems solely from the inability to drink. Most of that gloom will lift once you address your shyness, your introversion, and the fact that you find it hard to open up. You can tackle it by becoming less inhibited and more open, or simply by changing how you perceive those traits. Honestly, if you stay shy and introverted for the rest of your life, there’s nothing wrong with that. I know plenty of people like that, and they're great. But if it eats at you, then work on it. Work on your socialization too—develop strategies to make interacting easier. It's the same prescription. As long as you view intoxication as the only solution, and knowing you can't afford it, that feeling of emptiness is guaranteed. As for that Dionysian rush? There's no magic formula for that. I wish I were a bullfighter. But hey, I'm not. Or, to put it in this context—I could sing odes to the sensation I used to feel when I'd hit that dopamine spike (I used heroin periodically, though despite the myths, I never felt "hooked" in the traditional sense). But I don't feel like getting specific about that right now. How do you recreate that feeling? Falling in love. Sex. Intense physical exertion with a purpose. Success. The human brain is incredible if you give it a reason to perform.

Regarding the second part of what you wrote about pharmacology, I don't think I'm qualified to give anyone 100% solid advice anymore. It’s been a lifetime since I was on pills, so the details are fuzzy. I truly don't know how much of a barrier they act as in forming emotional connections. There are people on this thread far smarter than I am who can speak to that. But one thing: it’s an illusion to expect alcohol to provide genuine, intimate, deep connection with another human being. Those illusions are all over Bukowski's work and they take root during puberty. I've had plenty of relationships, but the three that were truly real, intimate, and deep happened when I was "normal." Sober and clean. Everything else was either tragic or comedic, but it wasn't real and it wasn't deep. To end on a slightly pathetic note—love is the strongest drug you'll ever take, the one you're glad to be addicted to, and the hangover you face while drinking coffee in the morning has the best taste. Something like that.

Alright then. Wishing 🙂
all the best.
PS. Ugh. My apologies to the mods if I drifted too far off-topic or went on for way too long.

Eric Mitchell55 said:Cymbalta 90mg - 1,0,0
Helex 0.5mg - 3x1
Haldol 2mg - 1,0,2
Akineton 2mg - 1,0,0 + 1 prn
Prazina 25mg - 3x1 + 1 prn

Drug. Honestly, I could probably start selling these pills on the side at this rate.
Also, the Haldol is hitting me hard—I am just incredibly sleepy.

Props to you, kid.

A long, long time ago... I was on a cocktail of Haldol, Cogentin, Stelazine, and Ativan all at once—honestly, I don't know how I even kept my eyes open. I'm no doctor, but wouldn't they give you something a little less heavy-duty? Usually, they just drop the Cogentin automatically after that. Though, I guess a few beers mixed with Cogentin is quite the combo. Just kidding. 🙂

PS. No clue—when they saw I wasn't handling the Haldol well, they switched me over to Risperdal. Compared to Haldol, that stuff is nothing. Mind you, I haven't been on anything for ages. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm actually pretty happy about that.

Brian Young5 said:Interesting. I move in various circles with all kinds of people I consider high-quality—mature, interesting, funny, educated, empathetic, etc.—but even they have managed to (unpleasantly) surprise me. Even after explaining that alcohol turns me into a complete clown and leaves me cringing in shame the next morning, some react by commenting on how it's such a shame I don't drink anymore, because they find watching other people's embarrassments "entertaining." Before this, I didn't even think they were malicious. Either people are just more colorful to them when they're buzzed, or they'd rather watch a spectacle instead of being genuinely glad that I've fought so hard to conquer my demons from a dark past. (That part is what actually hurts.)

Then there was that guy from yesterday. He was drinking heavily (while I was sipping sparkling water like a good little girl), and even though he seemed perfectly fine—smart and perceptive—and even though I was honest with him (sometimes I crave that freedom) and told him that mixing my medication with soda could trigger an epileptic seizure, he kept insisting he wanted to meet the version of me that used to party. He said he was dying to see what I was like back then and would love to witness my "devilish wild side" firsthand (clearly, he prefers unhinged, unleashed hedonists). Of course, my gut feeling from yesterday's post wasn't wrong. In his eyes, I'm basically a nun. It seems I constantly run into either penitent adventurers or adrenaline/escapism junkies. 😁

Interesting. It turns out my old crew back in my hometown—the ones who aren't exactly "educated" (half of them barely finished high school, let's be real) and aren't always the most mature or understanding, though they are definitely fun and have plenty of spirit—they actually get it better. If you tell them you're quitting something, or staying away from a certain crowd, or cutting back on drinking, they just listen. They don't need a PhD or emotional intelligence training to understand a simple life choice.

The thing is, the kid is sixteen. 🙄 Given that you were upfront with him about taking those medications, his reaction was... well, predictable. But maybe the real issue isn't him. Maybe it's that you feel like you've suddenly become a nun, when deep down, you might actually miss being able to go wild once in a while. Who knows.

Brian Young5 said:I’m not sure which thread this fits best in, but I’m dealing with this constant tug-of-war between staying sober and actually having a social life.
Ever since I started on some heavier meds—think Seroquel, Depakote, and Normabates—I’ve been strictly avoiding booze. But man, there are endless opportunities where people push it on you. You’re just sitting around, or you’re at a launch event or a promotion, and suddenly everyone’s asking what you want to drink. Every time I say "no thanks," or ask for a soda or water, I get the eyebrow raise. Either they hit me with a barrage of questions, or they start lecturing me about how "one beer or one glass of wine won't hurt."

Usually, I try to dodge it by saying I’m doing a detox, or if I actually trust the person, I’ll admit I overdid it in the past and need to stay healthy now (which is true). Sometimes I go full "confessional mode" with people I’ve known for nearly a decade—telling them about the times I completely embarrassed myself, doing weird yoga poses at parties, saying things I can't even remember later, or sending furious texts to people I was clearly having a volatile moment with.

But honestly, this whole culture of drinking at every single break, celebration, birthday, or even a casual hangout really grates on my nerves. This obsession with being hammered, or at least smelling like a brewery... it’s exhausting. When I tell people no, I constantly feel like they’re looking at me like I have a stick up my ass. Their interest just vanishes, or they look disappointed, and then they give me these suspicious looks when I insist I can have fun without the alcohol. It’s like they think I’m judging them.

I’m running out of ways to decline gracefully without looking like a total buzzkill or making them think I’m on rehab. To be fair, nobody has actually asked me if I'm an addict yet, except for one old friend. How do I turn down a drink while remaining easygoing, witty, and polite instead of sounding like a total killjoy? My doctor and therapist suggest I just tell them I don't like drinking, but I hate lying. Especially because, truth be told, I actually love the taste of a good dry red. There's also this nagging fear that if I'm honest, they'll just write me off as some boring puritan.

All this psych and pharma therapy is supposed to improve my social life, not wreck it through forced prohibition. What do you guys do in my shoes? It’s fine when I’m with my lifelong friends, but it’s a nightmare when meeting new people, which happens all the time lately. I’ve even had two relationships fall apart because of this. People want to be around someone on their level, and those who live to party don't want a "teetotaler" in their circle—one guy even told me he felt judged because I was watching their drunken antics from a sober vantage point.

And one more thing: whenever I’m at a party, I always have to be the first to leave. I take my evening Seroquel, which makes me incredibly sleepy, so I usually stretch it out until about 2 AM before heading to bed. Of course, people always ask why I’m leaving early, probably thinking I’m bored, and they likely wonder if they should even bother inviting me next time.

Just today, some guy invited me "for a beer" for a first date, or whatever. I’m debating whether to tell him right now that I don’t drink, or just surprise him when we meet (though I can already see the look of discouraged indifference in his eyes if I do).

I thought about posting this in the recovery threads, but people post here way more often, and unlike some of the folks in those groups, I’m on medication just like you guys.

I deal with that too. Everything you mentioned hits way too close to home.

I'm a recovering alcoholic (had a recent relapse—about eight months ago). I was sober for nearly four years before that. Since May 26th of this year, I've been back on track. Taking Normabax as therapy. 2x5mg.

I could probably write ten pages on how many stupid—driving me insane—idiotic situations I've found myself in just because I don't drink. My go-to excuse in social settings would still be my damaged liver (which isn't far from the truth). In some cases, the response to that reason is usually something like, "Well, the liver is a regenerative organ." At one wedding, I'm sipping a Coke, and the guy sitting across from me asks why I'm not drinking. I give him the answer. He then proceeds to give me an explanation of how the liver actually functions (as if I'm some moron who doesn't know that). I tell him it doesn't matter. He keeps trying to convince me that Coke is just as harmful. Ad infinitum. If I hadn't been in the specific crowd I was in, I would have punched him right in the face. Or, during those agonizingly awkward dinners with my ex-girlfriend's family, her mother would regularly offer me wine (even though she didn't drink herself) despite the fact that I'd told her a million times I don't drink. 🙂 Just a disaster.

Since I don't really know what else to tell you besides the fact that we share a similar struggle, here is my recipe: moving forward, I don't plan on hanging out with such immature punks as much. Once you get older and gain some life experience, these kinds of stupid situations happen much less frequently. It's not that they vanish entirely, but at least they're rarer. And I think I'll start taking a harder stance. First, I'll be polite, but if they react like an idiot the first time, I'll give them a look of pure confusion. If they double down, I'll probably just tell them where to shove it... and yeah, my nerves have been pretty thin lately.

Anyway. Ciao 🙂