Hypochondria Chat
in Health ·
Hey everyone! So, I’m dealing with a massive issue—at least it feels that way to me (I'll try to keep this brief). I live far away from my family and my closest friends, and while I’ve met some new people here in the city, it just isn't the same. I don't have much going on—maybe two hours of work a day—so I end up being home alone most of the time, just bored out of my mind. Well, recently, I became convinced that I am deathly ill. But even after all the research, I still can't shake the suspicion that something is wrong. I went to see my doctor to get a referral for blood work, and I was mostly fixated on my white blood cell count—which, as you can probably guess, led me down a dark rabbit hole regarding leukemia. Why? Because I’ve been waking up drenched in sweat three nights in a row, I have these tiny red spots on my skin that are barely visible to the naked eye—almost like someone took me with a technical pen—and I have pain in my spleen and kidneys... Anyway, I show up first in line for my blood and urine tests, and the nurse tells me the results will be ready at 2:00 PM. I cannot even begin to describe the terror and nausea I felt. I couldn't think about anything else; I couldn't eat, I was crying, my stomach was in knots... it was just awful. I spent seven hours walking all over town waiting for those results—not intense exercise, just walking downhill and sitting in parks (I'll explain why that part matters later).
At 2:00 PM, the doctor glances over the labs and tells me everything looks fine (though I had already studied the results myself to calm down, seeing that my WBC and platelets were okay; only the MPV was slightly elevated by 0.1, which unsettled me, though it's basically just the average platelet size—totally insignificant in reality). So, I step up and ask, "But what about the MPV??" The man just gives me this pale, blank look and starts explaining again that everything is perfectly normal. And fine... I felt too awkward to admit what I actually suspected. I was so convinced I was sick that I was almost prepared to tell him when the "TERRIBLE" results came back, but they were great—only my iron levels were a bit low, nothing major. Moving on, I told him, "My spleen hurts," whether I'm sitting, lying down, or walking—not constantly, but it comes and goes—and that my kidneys hurt. The doctor says, "Okay, let's do an ultrasound," and that turned out perfectly fine too. At this point, I’m practically begging him, "JUST TELL ME I'M SICK"—as if that’s what I actually want, I don't even understand myself anymore. I showed him those red spots, and he used a magnifying lamp to look at them, then told me I should see a dermatologist (I'd actually seen one a week ago for a rash, and he'd referred me out). So, the conversation with the doctor was over. I get home and tell myself, "No more searching for illnesses on Google, no more looking for lumps, none of that," and I actually stuck to it for maybe half an hour. Then I go for a walk, and suddenly my right leg starts hurting—and I had read about this guy who had leukemia and said his right leg hurt before he developed a fever and bruising. IT'S OVER. OH MY GOD, my leg hurts, what am I going to do? But seriously, my leg truly hurts; I can't even stretch it out properly, but I forced myself to keep walking, and then the other leg started hurting too. I could barely make it home (my hamstring feels like the tendon is aching). I woke up today and it still hurts, and now I'm wondering... maybe it was too much exertion while I was walking and waiting for my results (that's why I mentioned the walk earlier)... is it possible it's just stress? An imaginary sensation? An actual illness? Am I just a hypochondriac? I can't take this anymore... I'm crying, I'm anxious, I feel sick to my stomach, I just want to stop thinking about this. I keep searching my body for stupid things, and I'm terrified to even get out of bed because if I do, I'll start Googling again and "what-is-this." How do I help myself? If I go back to the doctor, they are genuinely going to think I'm losing my mind, and even my friends are starting to think I'm not quite right... please help.
At 2:00 PM, the doctor glances over the labs and tells me everything looks fine (though I had already studied the results myself to calm down, seeing that my WBC and platelets were okay; only the MPV was slightly elevated by 0.1, which unsettled me, though it's basically just the average platelet size—totally insignificant in reality). So, I step up and ask, "But what about the MPV??" The man just gives me this pale, blank look and starts explaining again that everything is perfectly normal. And fine... I felt too awkward to admit what I actually suspected. I was so convinced I was sick that I was almost prepared to tell him when the "TERRIBLE" results came back, but they were great—only my iron levels were a bit low, nothing major. Moving on, I told him, "My spleen hurts," whether I'm sitting, lying down, or walking—not constantly, but it comes and goes—and that my kidneys hurt. The doctor says, "Okay, let's do an ultrasound," and that turned out perfectly fine too. At this point, I’m practically begging him, "JUST TELL ME I'M SICK"—as if that’s what I actually want, I don't even understand myself anymore. I showed him those red spots, and he used a magnifying lamp to look at them, then told me I should see a dermatologist (I'd actually seen one a week ago for a rash, and he'd referred me out). So, the conversation with the doctor was over. I get home and tell myself, "No more searching for illnesses on Google, no more looking for lumps, none of that," and I actually stuck to it for maybe half an hour. Then I go for a walk, and suddenly my right leg starts hurting—and I had read about this guy who had leukemia and said his right leg hurt before he developed a fever and bruising. IT'S OVER. OH MY GOD, my leg hurts, what am I going to do? But seriously, my leg truly hurts; I can't even stretch it out properly, but I forced myself to keep walking, and then the other leg started hurting too. I could barely make it home (my hamstring feels like the tendon is aching). I woke up today and it still hurts, and now I'm wondering... maybe it was too much exertion while I was walking and waiting for my results (that's why I mentioned the walk earlier)... is it possible it's just stress? An imaginary sensation? An actual illness? Am I just a hypochondriac? I can't take this anymore... I'm crying, I'm anxious, I feel sick to my stomach, I just want to stop thinking about this. I keep searching my body for stupid things, and I'm terrified to even get out of bed because if I do, I'll start Googling again and "what-is-this." How do I help myself? If I go back to the doctor, they are genuinely going to think I'm losing my mind, and even my friends are starting to think I'm not quite right... please help.