Hey everyone,
I’ve been lurking on this thread for about a year now, but I finally decided to jump in and share my story just to get some things off my chest.
Today marks exactly one year since my grandma had her surgery. It was stomach cancer that had spread to her esophagus and duodenum... They opened her up, then they realized they couldn't proceed and closed her back up...
After that, she was supposed to go through six rounds of chemo, but she only made it through four—which, in her words, felt like a total "circus"🙂—with each session lasting three days... Just sitting there for eight hours straight at the clinic waiting for her to finish...
I lost count of how many coffees I drank from the breakroom machine downstairs, how many cigarettes I smoked outside the clinic, and all the different people I watched passing by. I spent so much time making 62 miles from her room upstairs down to the basement where she stayed during chemo (always with the reruns of yesterday's soap operas playing in the background 🙂)....
Once the chemo was done, we were all so desperate to just grab a turkey sandwich from that little deli right across from the clinic... 🙂
She had clearly lost weight by then, but she was doing as well as anyone could under the circumstances.
To be honest, she still doesn't know the full extent of how serious things are or where the cancer actually went. I specifically told the doctors not to tell her anything; I'm terrified that knowing might take away her will to keep fighting... She only mentioned to me about a month ago, "Honey, I think everything is just falling apart for me."
After the chemo, she had to do radiation, which she couldn't handle either...
Things just kept getting worse and worse...
Now we’ve reached the point where we’re changing her diapers several times a day, she can't even get out of bed, and she can't eat anything without throwing up. She’s completely dehydrated now.
You want to help her so badly, but you look at her weighing maybe 90 pounds and realize there’s nothing you can do. It’s honestly gut-wrenching when you feel totally helpless. Then, when I get in the car to drive home, I can't stop myself from crying, even though I thought I’d run out of tears a long time ago... And I just keep thinking about how she always calls me "my sweet girl."😢(
Everyone keeps saying, "Just hope she isn't in pain for too long," but it makes me wonder if I'm just a bad, selfish person because that's not what I'm thinking. I just want her with me for as long as possible. I just miss everything we used to do together... all the cooking, and how she used to make sure my boyfriend was fed until he was bursting, and our trips to shop for new pots and pans...
ps-I feel a little better now that I've gotten this out.
I’ve been lurking on this thread for about a year now, but I finally decided to jump in and share my story just to get some things off my chest.
Today marks exactly one year since my grandma had her surgery. It was stomach cancer that had spread to her esophagus and duodenum... They opened her up, then they realized they couldn't proceed and closed her back up...
After that, she was supposed to go through six rounds of chemo, but she only made it through four—which, in her words, felt like a total "circus"🙂—with each session lasting three days... Just sitting there for eight hours straight at the clinic waiting for her to finish...
I lost count of how many coffees I drank from the breakroom machine downstairs, how many cigarettes I smoked outside the clinic, and all the different people I watched passing by. I spent so much time making 62 miles from her room upstairs down to the basement where she stayed during chemo (always with the reruns of yesterday's soap operas playing in the background 🙂)....
Once the chemo was done, we were all so desperate to just grab a turkey sandwich from that little deli right across from the clinic... 🙂
She had clearly lost weight by then, but she was doing as well as anyone could under the circumstances.
To be honest, she still doesn't know the full extent of how serious things are or where the cancer actually went. I specifically told the doctors not to tell her anything; I'm terrified that knowing might take away her will to keep fighting... She only mentioned to me about a month ago, "Honey, I think everything is just falling apart for me."
After the chemo, she had to do radiation, which she couldn't handle either...
Things just kept getting worse and worse...
Now we’ve reached the point where we’re changing her diapers several times a day, she can't even get out of bed, and she can't eat anything without throwing up. She’s completely dehydrated now.
You want to help her so badly, but you look at her weighing maybe 90 pounds and realize there’s nothing you can do. It’s honestly gut-wrenching when you feel totally helpless. Then, when I get in the car to drive home, I can't stop myself from crying, even though I thought I’d run out of tears a long time ago... And I just keep thinking about how she always calls me "my sweet girl."😢(
Everyone keeps saying, "Just hope she isn't in pain for too long," but it makes me wonder if I'm just a bad, selfish person because that's not what I'm thinking. I just want her with me for as long as possible. I just miss everything we used to do together... all the cooking, and how she used to make sure my boyfriend was fed until he was bursting, and our trips to shop for new pots and pans...
ps-I feel a little better now that I've gotten this out.