Dear Linda Peterson37
I just had to reach out after reading what you wrote. Even though, theoretically speaking, we aren't dealing with cancer every single day anymore, I still find myself scrolling through the comments on this thread constantly. Often, I don't even type anything because I honestly don't know what to say... I'm afraid, or maybe there are just hundreds of reasons why I stay silent, but I felt like I truly needed to speak up about this misunderstanding happening with the people around you. It comes from the heart.
Look, everything that triggers this sadness in you—this feeling of being misunderstood, the extra layers of pain you have to carry on top of everything else—just take it all, bundle it up into one big mass, call it what it is, flush it down the toilet, and let it go. It might sound symbolic, but the point is to purge those emotions. They are draining you and your family dry. Try to see this as one of the most positive shifts resulting from your illness. All these people you’re talking about? They were nothing but drains on your time, your parents' time, and your precious energy. They sucked it all up, and they won't be able to anymore!!! They will eventually sort themselves out and drift away from your life naturally. There’s no need to hold onto bitterness, because losing them isn't actually a loss. By spending time on people like that, you missed out on getting to know others, but now, you're going to get that time back. They are like faulty lightbulbs that burn constantly but provide zero actual light; they are just consumers. Keep your head up, dear!!!
In our situation (my husband had surgery for stomach cancer a year ago when he was 40; thankfully, he didn't need chemo or radiation), he has completely changed as a person. He’s turned into someone I never thought he could be. A psychological evaluation showed anxiety, avoidance, irritability, social withdrawal, and constant nervousness... When I tried to talk to his inner circle about these issues, they just brushed it off as "normal." No one really cared, not even after seeing the test results. Today, things are even worse; he’s slipping into depression. And of course, nobody cares about that either. Not even the fact that he eats everything in sight—overeating, sugar, coffee, beer, smoking... I’ve had to uncover it all piece by piece, finding hidden wrappers of chocolate or catching him sneaking a cigarette in the attic. It’s all a consequence of his mental state, a state that the doctors we visited basically dismissed with a wave of the hand. His own family isn't interested; they don't even bother to visit. They think a two-minute phone call is enough to fix everything. I’ve become the black sheep of the family because I actually listened to the lesson his sister gave us while we were waiting for his surgery—she implied that if he had been with her, things wouldn't have ended up this way. She acts like I don't care for him, or that I should have called her the moment he vomited. But he’s been vomiting his whole life! I told her about it two years ago, and she just said he does that because he "loves to eat," implying it's my fault for not watching him closely enough... It's almost certain that my husband's illness will return, and it's likely that even though I feel like I'm tilting at windmills right now, this is our window to change the script. I can't afford to fight every minor battle or try to explain to people that family and love are much more complex than a quick "How are you?" or "Oh, it's just a crisis we have to bear..." Once I find a way—and I am praying to God that I can hit the right note before the illness returns and my husband finally gets back on his feet—then I will demand my peace. I will settle scores face-to-face with certain people. But right now, I refuse to waste a second of my time on them, whether mentally, verbally, or physically. The battle I am fighting (which I am fighting alone mentally now, since he isn't quite "there" himself) is the most important thing in the world to me, and I won't let trivial distractions get in the way. I've already flushed my water :-)
HANG IN THERE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I lost my password in the signature field :-((((
I just had to reach out after reading what you wrote. Even though, theoretically speaking, we aren't dealing with cancer every single day anymore, I still find myself scrolling through the comments on this thread constantly. Often, I don't even type anything because I honestly don't know what to say... I'm afraid, or maybe there are just hundreds of reasons why I stay silent, but I felt like I truly needed to speak up about this misunderstanding happening with the people around you. It comes from the heart.
Look, everything that triggers this sadness in you—this feeling of being misunderstood, the extra layers of pain you have to carry on top of everything else—just take it all, bundle it up into one big mass, call it what it is, flush it down the toilet, and let it go. It might sound symbolic, but the point is to purge those emotions. They are draining you and your family dry. Try to see this as one of the most positive shifts resulting from your illness. All these people you’re talking about? They were nothing but drains on your time, your parents' time, and your precious energy. They sucked it all up, and they won't be able to anymore!!! They will eventually sort themselves out and drift away from your life naturally. There’s no need to hold onto bitterness, because losing them isn't actually a loss. By spending time on people like that, you missed out on getting to know others, but now, you're going to get that time back. They are like faulty lightbulbs that burn constantly but provide zero actual light; they are just consumers. Keep your head up, dear!!!
In our situation (my husband had surgery for stomach cancer a year ago when he was 40; thankfully, he didn't need chemo or radiation), he has completely changed as a person. He’s turned into someone I never thought he could be. A psychological evaluation showed anxiety, avoidance, irritability, social withdrawal, and constant nervousness... When I tried to talk to his inner circle about these issues, they just brushed it off as "normal." No one really cared, not even after seeing the test results. Today, things are even worse; he’s slipping into depression. And of course, nobody cares about that either. Not even the fact that he eats everything in sight—overeating, sugar, coffee, beer, smoking... I’ve had to uncover it all piece by piece, finding hidden wrappers of chocolate or catching him sneaking a cigarette in the attic. It’s all a consequence of his mental state, a state that the doctors we visited basically dismissed with a wave of the hand. His own family isn't interested; they don't even bother to visit. They think a two-minute phone call is enough to fix everything. I’ve become the black sheep of the family because I actually listened to the lesson his sister gave us while we were waiting for his surgery—she implied that if he had been with her, things wouldn't have ended up this way. She acts like I don't care for him, or that I should have called her the moment he vomited. But he’s been vomiting his whole life! I told her about it two years ago, and she just said he does that because he "loves to eat," implying it's my fault for not watching him closely enough... It's almost certain that my husband's illness will return, and it's likely that even though I feel like I'm tilting at windmills right now, this is our window to change the script. I can't afford to fight every minor battle or try to explain to people that family and love are much more complex than a quick "How are you?" or "Oh, it's just a crisis we have to bear..." Once I find a way—and I am praying to God that I can hit the right note before the illness returns and my husband finally gets back on his feet—then I will demand my peace. I will settle scores face-to-face with certain people. But right now, I refuse to waste a second of my time on them, whether mentally, verbally, or physically. The battle I am fighting (which I am fighting alone mentally now, since he isn't quite "there" himself) is the most important thing in the world to me, and I won't let trivial distractions get in the way. I've already flushed my water :-)
HANG IN THERE!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I lost my password in the signature field :-((((