Paul Garcia said:Hey everyone!
I'm trying to dig up some articles, threads, or just some solid advice on how to actually act around family members or someone dealing with cancer. There’s a ton of stuff out there about the "stages of grief" and accepting the diagnosis and all that deep psychological stuff, but honestly? It's hard to know what to do in the moment.
Man, this thread—plus all those locked predecessor threads—is a total mess. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack because everything is scattered everywhere. Honestly, I'm having such a hard time actually finding what I'm looking for. Can someone please just point me in the right direction? Where am I supposed to go to read all this stuff?
So, a buddy of mine just found out today that the cancer has spread... like, metastases everywhere. His wife is one of my absolute best friends, so this is a massive shock for them, and honestly, a total gut punch for us too. I'm spiraling a bit thinking about how to even handle this. Like, what do you even say? How do you act? Should I swing by the house today, tomorrow, or wait a few days? I desperately want to be there for them if they need anything, but I also don't want to be that annoying, overbearing person who's constantly hovering when they probably just need space to process everything. But then again... how do you actually help in moments like this? How do you navigate all of it? Do I need to be super serious and somber, or is that weird? I'm just lost, man. Just trying to figure out how to show up without being a burden.
I told everyone, "Hey, if you need anything at all, just holler, I'm right here." And what do I get? Total radio silence. Just complete and utter nothingness today. Seriously, talk about a slap in the face.
They’ll probably jump straight into more tests and then start the whole treatment process, but... man, who knows?
Hey, I really need some advice here—has anyone dealt with this before, or maybe you guys actually work in the medical field? Like, what am I even supposed to say? How often should I be checking in, and how should I act around them? I don't want to be that annoying person who won't leave them alone, so when is it actually okay to reach out without being a total burden? And seriously, what’s the right way to offer comfort? I feel like I'm just stumbling in the dark here.
Thanks in advance!
🙂
I can only speak from what I’ve been through myself. My mom passed away from Glioblastoma on February 16th after only 68 days... basically just two months. That day we got the PhD diagnosis? I’ll probably carry that in my head forever, along with how the medical staff at the hospital acted, all those endless tests, and all the suffering. It's just pure grief, pain, misery, and total confusion. Like, how? And why her...?
Look, there aren't any set stages or anything... everyone’s an individual and deals with this crap in their own way. I’m just a born pessimist by nature, honestly. I never, ever actually thought anything good was gonna happen.
Honestly, what I really needed was just someone close by—you know, people in this thread who have actually walked in my shoes or gone through something similar. I just needed a place to vent, to let out how much this all sucks, maybe stumble upon some life-saving tip or a solid idea that could actually help. Just a chance to cry it out, get it all out of my system, and then finally show up at her door with a smile on my face.
Those random people passing through have been driving me absolutely insane. It’s like, day in and day out—and honestly, it’s still happening two weeks after she passed—they keep hitting me with that same damn question: "How are you?" Seriously? Just shut up and say nothing. It would be so much better if they just kept their mouths shut.
Reading through all these threads, it’s finally hitting me—there’s just no real help out there. Honestly, you just have to cherish every single second you get left with them. That feeling of just... falling apart? It’s impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't lived through it. After my mom's surgery, even though we didn't officially tell her the exact diagnosis (though she definitely knew deep down), she just didn't want to see or hear from anyone. Some people still haven't wrapped their heads around that, and they're still throwing it in my face today, but I had to respect what she wanted. To her, everyone else was totally irrelevant—it was just her and our immediate family. Then, a few days before she passed, it was like she just sensed it was coming. She called a couple of people over—maybe three or four—and that was it. That was the end.
Look, I really think we just need to respect what the sick person and their family actually want... if they're asking for some peace and quiet, then for crying out loud, give it to them! If they want to talk, you'll know—you can just tell, especially if you're close to them. Just read the room, you know?
So, how am I actually holding up after all this madness? Honestly, it’s hard to say. Just... a lot. Everything feels like a total blur right now.
I’m just feeling so miserable, pathetic, and honestly? Just pissed off. Mornings are absolute torture right now... I can barely find the strength to even crawl out of bed. Everything I do feels totally hollow, like I'm just going through the motions just to keep everyone else happy. Even the spring weather and the sunshine—stuff that used to make me so happy—it all just sucks now because it reminds me of everything I'm missing. It'll be missing during my afternoon coffee, it'll be missing when I get home from work, and it'll be missing when I'm waiting for that one birthday call and card to arrive at the exact moment I was born. Then nighttime hits, and I'm just lying there replaying movies in my head, tossing and turning... I can't sleep. I can't help but feel like everyone around me has it so much easier, like they're just moving on with their lives, and part of me wants to lash out at them for it, even though I know deep down they don't have a choice. I end up visiting the cemetery every single day. I keep asking myself if I can actually get through this without seeing a professional. Will time really be enough to heal even a little bit? Everyone keeps telling me it will, but right now? I just don't believe them.