People living with this condition often feel like they just don't fit in socially. They tend to pull away from others because they are terrified of being rejected, mocked, or humiliated. I guess most describe themselves as lonely souls who have been cast aside by society, though sometimes it feels more like they've intentionally isolated themselves.
Because of this, the "avoidant pattern" can vary quite a bit. It ranges from mild cases—which might just look like extreme shyness—to much more severe instances categorized as Avoidant Personality Disorder.
The main deciding factor is really how much this behavior interferes with someone's ability to function in their daily life.
Many individuals diagnosed with this disorder experienced a difficult childhood. Maybe it was marked by constant criticism or rejection within the family unit. That deep-seated need to connect with parents who push them away often carries over into adulthood, manifesting as an intense, almost overwhelming desire for connection with others.
To receive a diagnosis, one typically needs to meet four or more of these criteria:
A) Avoiding work tasks that require significant interpersonal contact due to fears of being criticized, disapproved of, or rejected.
B) Being hesitant to get close to others unless there is absolute certainty that they will be liked.
C) Refraining from intimate relationships out of fear of embarrassment or ridicule.
D) Excessive worry regarding potential criticism or rejection during social interactions.
E) Feeling inhibited in new social settings due to a sense of inadequacy.
F) Viewing oneself as socially inept, unattractive, or inferior to others.
G) Declining to take personal risks or try new activities for fear of feeling foolish.
It is also common for this disorder to co-occur with agoraphobia, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, dysthymia, major depressive disorder, hypochondria, or schizophrenia. It is also vital to rule out other disorders that share similar symptoms.
I think I relate to this 100 percent.🤷
In practical terms, this means: I found a job that doesn't require constant interaction with adults, so I spend part of my time feeling fulfilled because I actually love what I do. Back when I was your age, I honestly thought about quitting because I couldn't handle situations where I had to put myself out there. I avoided those moments at all costs—taking sick days or relying on anti-anxiety medication, for example. Even after all these years, being in those situations still isn't pleasant for me. But I don't run away anymore... I get this terrible knot in my stomach on those days, but then a new day comes and everything starts over. I enjoy small gatherings. I know how to crack a joke and even entertain people, but it is still stressful and leaves me completely drained. Because of that, I avoid multi-day trips now since they just wear me out too much. My solution is to opt for shorter hangouts with friends or coworkers, or just quick meetups. I am fighting it, but it’s much easier now. I suppose if I had known how to fight it back then, I would be doing much better by now. :-) There is more to it, but I'll take it slow....
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...and yet you still managed to pull off a relationship? If that’s actually the case, then I honestly don't think you're dealing with that hellish disorder; I mean, lucky you, I guess.
Because when you're truly living with it, you can't just "relax" or whatever—you're stuck in this constant loop of feeling like you aren't good enough for anyone, convinced that nobody would ever want someone as pathetic as you.
@John Thomas13, I’m genuinely glad to hear things are looking up for you; hopefully, my luck turns around too and I finally see some light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 I have to admit, I can be my own worst enemy most days—it feels like my brain is constantly working overtime just to sabotage me Right now, I'm trying to work through some CBT exercises on my own, though I'm crossing my fingers that it actually makes a difference :/
Jose Wood7 said:Your first post—it’s like I wrote it myself. I can relate to everything. I've gone from Adderall to antidepressants, anxiolytics, and even antipsychotics for a short stint. Regarding what you said about how pills work for others...
The thing is, pills aren't a magic fix—they're just support until you find some balance so you can manage with little to nothing later on. If you just fall back into old habits while taking them, then there's really no point. Also, maybe there's a way to just accept that you can't connect with people and live that way. I know someone who lived a totally solitary life for 80 years. But that was a different era, not like today, and everyone is different. I don't think that person was happy, either.
That thread title "on the downward spiral" is interesting. That's exactly how I described it to myself when I first realized something was wrong. Since then, it's mostly been a downhill slide.
I get how you feel. And obviously, I didn't write anything particularly comforting or helpful, but hey, hope this helps.
I check about 9 out of the 17 boxes for avoidant personality disorder symptoms. People with this disorder usually end up isolated, or they become completely dependent on others for support. Thank God I have a job, but I walk into work every single day gripped by anxiety, so I have no idea how much longer I can keep this up. It's a miserable way to exist, honestly. You crave acceptance and want to belong to a group, but the fear of looking foolish is paralyzing. You're constantly convinced everyone thinks you're incompetent. All you're left with is a vague hope for a better tomorrow, though that rarely ever materializes.
What's actually the distinction between social phobia and avoidant personality disorder?
So I guess I’m not the only one feeling this way, and honestly, what can you do? I’ve always had this nagging thought that life just requires a certain level of mental struggle—some days the weight feels manageable, other days it’s crushing, but you just kind of keep drifting through it anyway. It’s just disheartening when I see people getting all the support and resources they need, while I’m left standing here with absolutely nothing. The only thing that seems to take the edge off is when I take a little bit of Klonopin to steady my nerves.
electricwolf7 said:That class might act as a major trigger for you. Given that you are dealing with social anxiety, it might be wiser to start with something you can practice privately at home. There are many ways to find calm; have you tried yoga or meditation? It might be helpful to try some techniques in the comfort of your own home to help you connect with your inner self. I suggest practicing breathing exercises so that when you eventually face an alarming situation, your body won't react quite as intensely. 🙂 Personally, I haven't struggled with social phobia, though I have dealt with stage fright. One thing I realized—which may apply to you as well—is that what starts as social anxiety, with the racing heart and trembling hands, is a physical and mental response. Eventually, these issues tend to pile up. It becomes very difficult to tackle them if you try to focus on every single symptom individually. I would recommend speaking with a psychologist; there are many different types available in the US. Try to find someone who can help you uncover the root cause of these feelings. Once you understand the origin, you will begin to see these moments as mere symptoms rather than the core problem. On a lighter note, please know that so many Americans struggle with social anxiety. Stay brave and do not give up; don't let that little devil on your shoulder keep whispering nonsense to you.😉
That is such a solid metaphor 🙂 thanks for the advice!
electricwolf7 said:Things won't truly start changing until your internal perspective begins to shift; it doesn't work the other way around. 😉 The mind is a powerful tool that can either serve us or work against us, depending on how we manage it. Aside from taking your medication, what specific steps are you taking to try and change your current state?
I signed up for this class, but I’m terrified to actually show up because my whole body feels paralyzed and my heart is racing like crazy. I feel this constant, gnawing anxiety in basically any social situation.
If you're looking to pull quotes from several different posts at once, just hit that "Multi-Quote" button—it’s right next to the standard Quote button—for every single message you want to grab.
I’ve been struggling through this same cycle for four years now, and honestly, nothing seems to be shifting Lately, those suicidal thoughts have been circling my mind more often than I’d like, though if I’m being honest, I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. You really do need a certain kind of nerve for something like that. On one hand, I feel for the people who have already gone—they must have been carrying an unimaginable amount of pain—but on the other hand, there’s a strange sort of respect there, because you really do need guts to just leap off a twelve-story building Then I start playing out the scenario in my head, imagining how I’d react if someone close to me actually did it. I can't even fathom that level of grief, so I really don't want to inflict that kind of wreckage on the people I love So, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait for things to change, hoping that maybe, eventually, the internal weather in my head might clear up a bit
But then there are those heavy stretches where it feels like it’ll never get better, and that's when it gets incredibly hard to breathe
It all kicked off with social anxiety—just this nagging fear that my hands would start shaking whenever I was under the spotlight. Looking back four years later, I’d give anything if that was the extent of it, because at least then I could still function somewhat normally in the world. But now, it’s mutated into something much heavier than just being socially awkward. My doctor says there are psychotic elements involved too, and honestly, even the antipsychotics they have me on aren't doing much to help. 😢
I can’t shake the feeling that everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. I find myself looking at other people with this deep sense of envy, watching how easily they build emotional connections, while I just sit there acting like an interrogator in social settings just to force some kind of interaction. I'm getting so tired of playing that part.
I haven't had anyone close to me for four years now, and the terrifying thought is that it might stay this way forever, simply because I don't feel like a "normal" person. Right now, I'm at rock bottom, and my entire existence basically revolves around this forum and scrolling through psychology PDFs; I mostly just read without saying much.
I crave a full, meaningful life so badly—to actually feel connected to someone—but it's impossible when I feel like everyone else is fundamentally better than me. Even during a conversation, my mind just drifts away. Like, if a friend is venting to me about their problems, I'll just sit there thinking, "You have no idea who you're talking to," knowing the absolute chaos currently racing through my head. I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this; there isn't much to say really. It's just that I'm feeling pretty lonely and wanted to see if there are any other souls out there who feel exactly the same way.😢
Part of me feels a bit embarrassed, too, wondering if someone from my real life might stumble upon this thread. I don't know if that paranoia is just another symptom of my condition, but it hurts regardless.
fadedbear92 said:And I’ll tell you the same thing—you have to go through psychotherapy and do the work. There really isn't any other way. How else would you "try" differently? I mean, you can't just sit there repeating "I'm not afraid of people" to yourself forever and expect it to vanish; you have to actually dig up the root cause of that fear and deal with it—which is a joint effort between you and your therapist.
Look, I get what you're saying, but I think I already know exactly where my fear comes from. It was my father. Honestly, it’s hard to even put into words—it was that same kind of bone-deep, paralyzing terror you'd imagine someone feeling during the darkest days of World War II. But knowing the cause doesn't change the reality; just because I know why I'm terrified doesn't mean the fear has suddenly decided to leave me alone.
Larry Lewis said:Things will get better, truly, but you can't just rely on the pills alone—you've got to put in some work on your end, too.😉
How am I supposed to try harder? Believe me, I’ve been grinding and fighting this uphill battle for four years now, and if I’m being honest, it feels like things are only getting worse. I honestly don't know what I should do to stop being so afraid of people.
I finally got prescribed Klonopin for the anxiety since Lexapro just wasn't doing the trick for me. Now I’m stuck balancing 2.5mg of Zyprexa with 0.5mg doses of Klonopin three times a day, plus whenever things get really bad. I had to pull the plug on Solian, too, because it completely trashed my hormones, which was a real blow. At this point, I’m just holding out hope that things actually start looking up for me soon.
fadedbear92 said:Well, thank God you're feeling some relief from it—honestly!😉
Look, things might improve a little bit, sure, but don't expect perfection. That social anxiety isn't just going anywhere, and god, I hate it—it honestly makes me want to scream.
Is anyone actually still taking this stuff? I had to cut myself off because it completely wiped out my period, but honestly, I’m thinking about getting back on it since I always feel so much more level when I'm using it. At this point, I'll just take some hormone therapy to deal with the cycle issues and call it a day.
I’ve been on Cipralex for about two weeks now, and honestly, I’m not feeling much of a difference yet. But man, the side effects are absolutely killing me; my appetite has just completely vanished. I’ve managed to drop 4 pounds in just two weeks, which is honestly pretty terrifying.