Posts by Benjamin Grant6

Robin Stewart44 said:thank you.... life isn't always kind.... and everyone carries their own burdens, and these were mine to bear, so I have simply accepted them.... regarding the severity of cancer, bone cancer is often cited as one of the most grueling types (because without exception, the entire system is affected, from a toe to the brain.... my father’s primary issue was in his lungs, which eventually led to the bone cancer)... and the second most severe, or perhaps equivalent in hardship, is considered to be lymph node cancer... and then there are all the other localized types... but truly, anyone dealing with metastases and the accompanying pain suffers immensely... 😢

I am acutely aware that people often hesitate to respond when cancer is mentioned, yet my own experience has been quite different once they actually arrive...... the night before my mother passed, she slipped into a coma, and I couldn't tell if she had merely lost consciousness or if she had already died.... that single evening was hours of pure chaos.... my brother wasn't home, neighbors gathered instead (I won't go into the details of how that came to be), and they called for an ambulance... at first, the responders didn't want to come, and after an hour of arguing, they finally arrived only to refuse to take her to the hospital (even though they confirmed she was in a coma and hadn't passed away).... and I, exhausted from lack of sleep, could barely stand, terrified of the moment she might pass before my brother returned from out of town...... they refused to help, acting as if the doctors wouldn't accept her anyway, so I spoke up in bitter frustration, demanding they drive me to the hospital with her just so I could face whatever inhumane doctor would reject a twenty-three-year-old's plea to let my mother stay in hospice for just one night, so that I might catch a few hours of sleep while they provided her with whatever comfort they could until my brother arrived...... (the epilogue was that they reluctantly agreed, but at that very moment, my mother woke from her coma and, with wide eyes and fear looking at her child, begged me not to take her to the hospital because she knew she would die there, at which point the paramedics claimed that since she had clearly stated she didn't want to go, they had absolutely no grounds to force her into the hospital............

what I have certainly learned from navigating this with my father first and then my mother is that, in this day and age, being ill has become a luxury, and woe to those who ever find themselves needing or relying on our healthcare system, because it seems designed to turn people away rather than provide aid to those in need......

Ashley Smith24 said:I understand...

Just try to imagine for a moment if she had told you nothing at all—if she had spent this entire time concealing her illness and her suffering from you... Perhaps you two would never have grown as close as you are now. It is quite likely that there would have been many instances where you wouldn't have understood her reactions, and worst of all, you would have been denied the opportunity to help bolster her much-needed self-confidence...

You managed to achieve all of this—or rather, this is your shared success—thanks to the mutual openness and trust you share. That is truly the greatest thing we can offer and receive during such difficult times...

I suppose this is why I will always find it difficult—because I wasn't given the chance to be by her side, to lift her spirits, or to encourage her fighting spirit. Since I know nothing of the mental and psychological anguish she endured, I couldn't share it with her, nor could I provide any support... Regardless of how immensely grateful I am to her, and despite my profound respect for the immense love, noble motives, and strength that allowed her to carry such a heavy burden alone for so long, I still feel that she made a mistake... people who love one another should have to endure these things together...

Recently, I went through (actually, I am currently going through) something very similar—as they have been unsuccessfully trying to locate the cause of my own serious health issues for weeks now—so I know exactly what it feels like. There are moments when the fear is so overwhelming that you simply cannot breathe, or even bring yourself to open an envelope containing medical results... In those specific moments, my husband and daughter are my greatest source of strength, through their mere presence and support. And please, rest assured that having you there, and having faced all of this together from the start, means everything to your mother...🙂

Ashley Smith24 said:Of course, though perhaps we haven't quite seen eye to eye on this...

While I was reflecting on my own life experiences, I was really speaking in broader terms. What I cannot alter, simply because it belongs to the past, can be changed by someone else in the future. I am certainly not suggesting that everyone must adopt my perspective—regarding the necessity of being open during those harrowing moments—but rather that it would be immensely beneficial if we, as a society, encouraged dialogue surrounding this issue instead of merely sidestepping it. I suspect it would offer relief to many, given that making decisions during a crisis is rarely easy, often leading to choices that are quite misguided...

I concur. I believe I would have acted in much the same way had I been in your shoes.

Perhaps I am mistaken, but it strikes me that the bond you share is precisely the result of those long, arduous conversations you and your mother held at the beginning. Even though you mention those talks were draining, I suspect they actually fortified you, serving as the very foundation for the relationship you possess today. Please, correct me if I’m wrong...

Since you have fought so bravely over these last four years, I am certain you will continue to do so, and I truly hope that, in the end, you both emerge victorious. Both of you...

I see you've assumed I am quite young (likely because I spoke of my mother, and in those moments, we all remain children in some capacity!), but I am already a mother myself, and have been for a very, very long time...

Stay strong! 🙂

Ashley Smith24 said:I have spent quite a bit of time contemplating why certain individuals choose to decline medical treatment. While it can certainly be an escape from the sobering realization of a terminal diagnosis, more often than not, it stems from a fundamental lack of trust in doctors and pharmaceuticals, an aversion to hospitals, or perhaps a hesitation toward specific diagnostic and therapeutic procedures... Such a decision should not necessarily be viewed as a sign of weakness or a lack of courage. I believe this, too, is a matter of bravery—just a different kind—favored by those who wish to live life to the absolute fullest until the very end, prioritizing quality of existence over mere quantity of days...

While I recognize that this is a deeply personal choice that warrants respect, it is undeniably painful. It is particularly agonizing when you realize that a loved one kept the truth from you until the final moments. You understand they were trying to spare you from suffering, which they undoubtedly succeeded in doing (at least during the period when you remained unaware), but I suspect it represents a profound loss for both parties—the one departing and the one left behind.

Typically, after such secrets are revealed, there is far too little time remaining to find closure. By that, I mean those long, soul-searching conversations about the past, present, and future that can soothe the spirit and ease the eventual parting. The reality is that when the end finally arrives, it tends to happen quite suddenly; the patient is often already hospitalized, and a sterile hospital room rarely provides the ideal setting for meaningful, intimate conversation...

I feel that all of this ought to be contemplated while one is still healthy and in full strength, so as to assist both oneself and one's loved ones during the inevitable moments that await us all. It is remarkably difficult to maintain rational thought at the exact moment one realizes, or even suspects, that they are facing a grave illness. This level of reflection should ideally be a fundamental part of how we live, rather than being treated as a taboo subject that most people simply avoid...

And thank you for your kind words regarding my mother; I have always been immensely proud of her, and I truly believe our separation is merely temporary. 🙂

Robin Stewart44 As if to say...
I have lost both of my parents to cancer... My father passed away from the most aggressive kind, enduring the kind of excruciating agony that is almost impossible to fathom—the sort of suffering you pray you never have to witness with your own eyes or feel with your own senses, though I know firsthand how difficult it is even to imagine before it actually happens...

I remember once asking an oncologist to describe the specific type of pain a patient experiences during the terminal phase... she didn't sugarcoat it, either. She told me to imagine someone taking a chainsaw to a limb while you're wide awake, without a single drop of anesthesia... that kind of agony is practically nothing, maybe a one out of ten, compared to what patients battling bone cancer endure. Since that diagnosis often involves the lymph nodes as well, it’s considered one of the most excruciating forms of suffering because the entire body is being overtaken... it's just the sensation of your very flesh and organs disintegrating from the inside out...

While my father was in his final moments, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer... she went to that first follow-up appointment, or whatever they call it, and decided right then and there that she wasn't going to undergo treatment... for three and a half years, I watched from the front row as she navigated every single high and low of the illness, until finally, I saw her through to the end... in her own mind, she simply wasn't sick, and therefore, there was no need for any medical intervention... she had this massive, open wound spanning her entire abdomen that eventually healed over, but even then, in her mind, she remained perfectly healthy... she just gave up on life and accepted her fate, choosing not to pull the trigger herself, but rather allowing time to take its course...

With a critically ill person, reason often loses its grip on reality... Those standing by their side can struggle to truly grasp what is actually racing through those minds; we might witness the symptoms, but we can never truly know what they are feeling or the sheer magnitude of the pain they endure...

I was only in my early twenties when all of this was unfolding, so I struggled to process the weight of it all; there were so many truths that simply eluded me back then... but if there is anything I have gleaned from navigating both of my parents' illnesses, and something I find myself telling everyone constantly, it is this... when you see them suffering in pain, and the doctors refuse to administer any more morphine—because apparently, since they might only have three to six months left, medical protocols and ethical codes restrict the dosage to what is deemed "permissible," where anything beyond that is treated as if it were euthanasia—you find a way to get that morphine yourselves, by whatever means necessary, and you give them exactly as much as they ask for... when they reach the point where they can no longer eat, yet they still crave a slice of banana cake (which you must bake yourself or drive to the other side of New York City to find, knowing full well they won't be able to finish it because they physically cannot, even though the desire is so intense), you buy it, you bake it, you bring it to them... you provide those tiny, fleeting moments of joy during such incredibly heavy days in life...

And in the end, those of us left behind are the ones who carry the pain... and they lie when they claim that time heals all wounds; time doesn't heal anything, it simply makes the void and the lingering ache slightly more bearable... but then again, the agony they endure is of an entirely different nature—a physical torment so profound that even every medication in the world fails to soothe it as the body nears its absolute limits, only for everything to eventually reach its conclusion... therefore, one must be selfless and let them go, if there truly is no hope left... because what we desperately want—to keep them here just a little longer—is nothing more than prolonging their suffering... and the impact on both sides remains equally devastating... furthermore, please, never judge those who remain after losing a loved one; do not burden them, or yourselves, with rigid expectations or social conventions regarding how one should grieve... every patient faces their illness and suffering in their own way, just as everyone left behind must find their own unique path through the emptiness that follows a loss...

To everyone currently navigating the same path I walked ten years ago, please know that my heart truly goes out to you... I simply wish you wellness and an abundance of strength to endure the burdens life has seen fit to place upon your shoulders, and the courage to play outside the rules whenever circumstances demand it...

Ashley Smith24 said:Michelle Fowler38,

everything hinges on what stage the cancer is detected at. It’s typically a relatively slow-growing malignancy, often evolving from polyps that gradually transform from benign growths into malignant ones—a process that takes quite some time. What you heard is correct—it tends to progress more slowly in older individuals—but that doesn't mean much if the patient waits too long to seek medical help.

The priority right now is ensuring your grandfather undergoes all the necessary screenings as soon as possible, to determine if the carcinoma has breached the intestinal wall or metastasized to other parts of the body. After that, one must face the battle bravely; the most vital thing is simply not to lose heart...

My mother, unfortunately, didn't seek help in time. It was a confluence of unfortunate circumstances—she was so consumed by caring for her dying grandfather that she neglected her own health—and once the symptoms became too pronounced to ignore, she accepted the thought that it was already too late and chose, of her own volition, not to undergo treatment. She kept the truth from us for a long time, though we eventually grew suspicious due to her general decline (the loss of appetite, the extreme anemia). Despite our persistent pleas and concern, we couldn't persuade her to go for an exam. One day, she simply said: "Why should I go? Just so they can tell me what I already know?" My blood ran cold in that moment; I realized she had known for a long time, but she didn't want to burden us, and knowing her nature, she understood that it truly was too late. Two weeks later, she was no longer capable of living independently, and that was when she finally had to see a doctor. She passed away exactly one month after her first appointment, and a part of me went with her.

I wish it hadn't been this way—that she hadn't hidden the truth and that she had fought. But she was a special person, strong and selfless, accustomed to giving rather than receiving. She carried her hardships within herself, always with a smile on her face, never wanting to be a burden to anyone...

Even now, it hurts that she wouldn't allow us to carry any of her burden; I find myself searching for my own fault, looking for an answer to where I failed, why she thought I was too weak to bear that weight... Reading this thread, I realize I was spared the immense anxieties and sacrifices that Angela Wright and many others on this forum have endured, spending months or even years caring for their loved ones, but I will perhaps never find peace of mind, because she left so alone, even though we loved her so deeply...

Forgive me if I have intruded with my story (as others have as well), it simply overcame me... I don't know how old you are, but it is incredibly important right now that you spend as much time as possible with your grandfather, talking about everything, including his illness, if he wishes to talk. He needs a pillar of support, and this is your chance to draw closer to him and do something beautiful. Don't let this opportunity pass...

Good luck!

Dana Wilson33 said:I wanted to let you all know that Mom is doing well. They didn't find anything at all during her exam. Thank God. Thank you all for your kind words... I feel such a sense of relief.
At least we have a bit of good news on this thread for once...

Amanda Anderson87 said:Even though this is my first time posting here, I’ve been following this group for a year and a half now, and you all have provided such immense comfort during this time. @Angela Wright/">@@Angela Wright, I don't know who you are, but I know you've walked through hell, and I want to thank you as if you were my own flesh and blood for being here for everyone for whom the universe made a catastrophic mistake by taking someone they love... and for those currently fighting their own nemesis.
My fighter lost his battle with Grade 4 Glioblastoma today at the age of 43. He was the man I grew up with, the man I called "my brother" my entire life. What bound us together was something far deeper than mere friendship or even blood relations. We had a happy childhood, followed by a wild youth where we spent our time pulling each other out of trouble with our parents—or getting ourselves into it together. My parents consider him their son, and my husband considers him his brother. And today, he went to be with his father, to a place where he can finally sleep peacefully and where the pain can no longer reach him... where he will walk and run and talk and watch over us.
As for me, I simply don't know how to lift this heavy stone sitting on my chest... I don't know how to stop the tears, how to carry this overwhelming grief and irrational anger, or how to make sense of what on earth actually happened...
I suppose I just needed to get this out... 😢

Angela Wright said:That is their official response. Consequently, I would request that any further criticisms, suggestions, or inquiries be directed toward them rather than us. I was simply fulfilling what I might call an official duty, as I felt that if we possessed certain information, providing it both on our own forum and here would ensure we aren't merely dealing with hearsay but rather someone's official word backed by actual accountability.

I certainly have my own personal opinions on the matter, though I shall refrain from sharing them...

Angela Wright said:As promised, I am posting their official response here:

Angela Wright;30847562 said:It is clearly a matter of Mom's own choosing. What you can actually do is sit down with your sister and have a real conversation about how Mom needs her own space right now to focus on herself, and how life simply needs to be reorganized. Honestly, I believe people ultimately do what they want to do, and it is quite rare that anyone can be coerced into doing something against their will.[/QUOTE]

I find myself in agreement...
The most grueling part is admitting to yourself that you are facing a fight... then comes the difficulty of accepting that struggle, until all that remains is the quiet, heavy question of "what now, and how do we move forward?"

Perhaps it is time to reach out to your sister and leave the tears behind... weeping won't provide any assistance, nor has it ever... what you require is courage and a genuine will to prevail... to remain composed while awaiting the lab results—regardless of what they may reveal—because there is always some way through...

Angela Wright said:They clearly found some suspicious growth and now they want to perform a biopsy just to figure out what they're dealing with.
There is absolutely no reason to panic or live in fear. A biopsy is performed precisely so that if something—God forbid—is wrong, you can react in time. One ought to remain realistic, rational, and simply wait patiently until the results are finalized. Only then will you see what steps are necessary, assuming any are needed at all...
Man's own mind is often his greatest enemy when it comes to stress, because we tend to manufacture anxiety unnecessarily far in advance. In life, one must face obstacles and solve problems only as they arise. There is no benefit to ruminating ahead of time, other than inducing stress, which is hardly healthy. Life provides enough trouble on its own without our active participation...

slywalker4 said:Hello to everyone active on this thread...

If only I had known about this group two years ago... life certainly would have been a little less heavy...
To explain, my mother lost her battle with a Grade 3 oligodendroglioma brain tumor one year and seven months ago, after an eleven-month struggle. Everything happened with such suddenness; one day she was perfectly healthy, and the next, she was terminally ill. She headed into her first brain surgery with a smile, only to be left paralyzed and struggling with speech the very next day due to a medical error at the hospital...
And through all of it, I had to stay brave, refuse to break, and maintain a sense of positivity and optimism... primarily for her sake, and then for my father's... even while I was falling apart inside...

Kudos to you all; there truly needs to be a place where you can pour out everything weighing on your soul and receive a comforting word... even if it won't help the sick family member, it helps those of us left behind...

Angela Wright said:There are massive disparities in cancer treatment across various American states, and our own state is certainly one where these gaps are evident. These inequalities have only been exacerbated by the current economic climate... When we speak of these discrepancies, we are referring to variations in incidence, prevalence, and mortality rates associated with the disease and related health complications among specific population groups. Such differences can be dictated by gender, age, nationality, education, income, social class, disability, geographic location, or sexual orientation. Furthermore, patients frequently struggle with a lack of meaningful doctor-patient communication and a general deficiency of clear information regarding their diagnosis and potential treatment paths.

In an effort to gauge how satisfied we truly are with the quality and accessibility of healthcare, we have developed an online survey regarding healthcare service standards...

www.healthcare-survey-example.com

We invite you to participate in this study concerning the availability and quality of medical services. The survey is entirely anonymous; your personal details and responses will be used exclusively for analyzing the necessity of systemic healthcare improvements and raising public awareness about risk behaviors linked to malignant diseases. It should take approximately five minutes to complete. Once finished, please ensure you click the "Save Responses" button located at the end of the questionnaire...

Important Notes:
While the survey is anonymous, you may choose to provide your personal information if you wish. We take your privacy very seriously and collect and retain data only for as long as necessary to fulfill our research objectives. Under no circumstances will your personal information be shared with third parties unless explicitly stated during collection or if prior permission is requested...

Douglas Thompson7 said:Hello everyone, I’ve been reading through your posts and I find myself wondering where you all find the strength... My wonderful mother was just diagnosed with cancer and metastases, and I feel like I am completely falling apart.

Sophia Ross53 said:My mother experienced severe throat bleeding last night... they mentioned a vessel ruptured. While the bleeding was eventually controlled, the doctor noted this is quite common, though potentially catastrophic if a larger artery were to give way, leading to uncontrollable hemorrhaging. Interestingly, yesterday's scans indicated the tumor mass has completely vanished, yet we must persist with the treatment regimen to ensure that garbage doesn't resurface... true results won't be clear until a month after radiation therapy concludes. To make matters worse, a certain lovely nurse told my aunt that it might actually be best if that vessel simply burst so she could bleed out... honestly, she can take those "beautiful" wishes elsewhere; if that is truly her sentiment, she ought to keep it to herself. The most frustrating part is that she won't be able to come home this weekend as we had all anticipated.
But perhaps it is better that she remains there, because if such an event occurred while she was at home, far from the hospital, there would be absolutely nothing anyone could do...

Angela Wright said:I am of the opinion that, in most instances, such issues are surgically removable, whereas those elements deemed impossible to excise would likely necessitate treatment via radiation or chemotherapy, provided any of those options are even available at a local hospital...

If that isn't the case, one simply moves toward palliative care...

Go ahead and post that inquiry on the Stonewall Jackson association forum. She’s certainly far more qualified than I am...

Angela Wright said:Look, this isn't ideal, but I certainly wouldn't be making definitive claims from your position... Why jump to conclusions before the data is even in?🙂
They are currently consulting with the oncologist who will be overseeing the next phase of treatment. They need to determine if the tumors are surgically removable. Furthermore, brain lesions can be quite sensitive to radiation therapy...
Please, don't give up on her so easily; it simply isn't fair to her. And you actually have the power to influence how that injustice unfolds...

One must accept certain realities, namely that there are diseases that recur and where such scenarios are entirely possible. It serves no one to complicate things by claiming some people get nothing while others get everything; that has no bearing on the current situation. Just consider how many years she has managed since the initial diagnosis. Sadly, some pass away within months, yet she has been granted quality of life and precious time, and we ought to fight to secure more of that...
I understand your despair and frustration, but speaking from experience, those emotions are ultimately counterproductive if your goal is to help both her and yourself...
Try to focus on what truly matters, which is doing everything humanly possible to address the situation without falling into hysteria or panic, as such states only lead to poor decision-making...

Angela Wright said:Lymph is essentially one of those fluids circulating through the body that starts out as interstitial fluid before being filtered into the lymphatic vessels. Once it enters the system, it travels through at least one lymph node before eventually draining back into the left or right subclavian vein to merge with the bloodstream. In this case, the disease has spread to those nodes via metastasis—which isn't exactly an anomaly, given how both blood and lymph allow malignant cells to migrate and establish themselves elsewhere in the body. This is precisely why cancer treatment typically involves chemotherapy alongside targeted radiation of the primary site; the goal is to hunt down those lingering rogue cells drifting in the blood...
It really comes down to whether those affected lymph nodes can be surgically removed.

Kate Reed63 said:On Sunday at 7:45 PM, my mother—my guiding star, my everything—passed away, enduring intense, truly excruciating pain that lasted for forty-eight hours... that cursed cancer... we genuinely believed we could defy those damn... statistics, but alas, we could not... her final words before the pain took hold, while she was still lucid, were spoken to my father: watch over my grandchildren and ensure they never forget me, especially my youngest, who sadly won't have any memory of me... it is just so difficult... because it has already been a week since I last heard her voice or her laughter... it is hard; there is a void left in my heart, deep and immense...