Sudden decline in health: 95-year-old female

Hi everyone.

I’ve been scanning the subforums, but I couldn't find an existing thread that fits this situation. If there's a more appropriate section for this, please feel free to move 😬
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To get straight to the point, I’ve been looking after the individual mentioned above for a few years now. Even though I live out of state, I have a solid network of local people and neighbors who step up to handle everything—grocery runs, errands, you name it.

For years, things were manageable; we dealt with the occasional slip in the bathroom, but honestly, that's just part of the territory when someone reaches this stage of life.😬

However, over the last few days, things have taken a turn for the worse. She’s barely eating anything, she’s vomiting constantly, and her strength is just gone. Mentally, too, I get the sense she’s starting to drift away, at least from what I can gather over the phone. A couple of days ago, she couldn't even pull herself up off the couch, even with people physically supporting her; it was as if her legs simply wouldn't respond, almost like they weren't even there anymore.

On top of that, we're dealing with frequent, uncontrollable bladder and bowel issues. We use pads and diapers, but nothing seems to hold, so there is always a significant mess to deal with (apologies to anyone with a vivid imagination here 😬).

The biggest hurdle is that she is absolutely refusing to go to the hospital, which leaves us feeling completely stuck. Is there anything at all that can be done in a home-care setting just to provide some comfort, even if we can't actually fix the underlying issues?

If she tries to sip some broth, she usually ends up throwing it back up, and if she manages any solid food, it just comes out the other end shortly after.😬

I realize that at 95 years old, maybe this is just how the clock winds down, but if there is any way to make this easier for her, I am open to any and all advice.

Thanks in advance.

I actually know someone who called 911 for his 90-year-old mother once, and when he told the dispatcher her age, they basically told him he should be calling a funeral home instead of emergency services. It was incredibly callous of them, honestly...

Look, there’s no sugarcoating it—her time is coming. There isn't much more that can be done at this stage. With any luck, it’ll all happen quickly and peacefully. Just try to stay by her side as much as you can so she doesn't feel alone in those final moments; that's really all there is to it. Maybe see if there’s anything she still finds joy in, or even just something she used to love, and try to make that one last wish come true for her.

Look, based on how you're describing this, we could be talking about anything from a stroke to cancer...🤔

You really need to get checked out by a doctor. Honestly, even if they're being stubborn about heading to the hospital—and for what it's worth, I probably wouldn't want to be stuck in an ER ward under those circumstances either 😬—trying to play doctor here on a forum is pretty ungrateful and just plain wrong, kind of like trying to act like Milan Vidovitch 😵

EDIT: If she took a fall and hit her head, there's also the possibility of a subdural hematoma that might need to be drained.

velvetmoose9 said:Look, based on what you're describing, we could be talking about anything from a stroke to cancer...🤔

You absolutely need to get a doctor involved (even if they're refusing to head to the hospital—honestly, I probably wouldn't want to be stuck in an ER ward under those circumstances either 😬). Trying to play doctor via an online forum is pretty ungrateful and, frankly, a bit irresponsible, even if we all wanted to act like Milan Vidovitch 😵

EDIT: If she took a fall and hit her head, there’s also the possibility of a subdural hematoma that might require surgery to drain.

Why put people through endless searches when they are clearly at the end of their journey? Death isn't a bad thing; it's just as natural as being born. She's reached a great age, and it's obvious she's suffering. Let her find peace and move toward the light.

Look, I realize this could go a dozen different ways. I’m not out here looking for some magic silver bullet, because I know that doesn't exist. I just wanted to see if there were any small things that might offer a bit of relief. It feels to me like she’s refusing the hospital too, mostly because she just doesn't want to go through the hassle anymore, and at this point, what can you even do?

We spoke on the phone earlier, and judging by her voice, she seems more lucid and back to herself, but the reality is she hasn't touched any food in two days because she's terrified of throwing up. She’ll take water when she's thirsty, but that's about it. Her blood pressure is sitting at 88/65, which is pretty shocking given how high it usually runs, and she’s actually sleeping quite well—she mentioned she hasn't slept that soundly in ages. So, maybe she really is turning a corner, or maybe she's just having one last moment of peace before the end.

We’ll have a better idea of where we stand tomorrow. My biggest worry right now is the total lack of appetite; I'm at a loss for what to suggest to the family when she rejects absolutely everything, but she really needs to get something down eventually.🤷

I'm just waiting for that moment where she starts seeing things, like seeing her late husband standing in the room or something along those lines. If that happens, then I'll know for sure that the end is near. But for now, it honestly just looks like she had a devastatingly bad week.

Thanks for all the input.🙂

My grandmother had surgery a few months back, and ever since, she’s been dealing with constant nausea and vomiting... basically everything coming right back up. After getting an X-ray, it turns out things didn't heal quite the way they were supposed to at the surgical site—it was actually putting pressure on her intestines, which is why she couldn't even keep food down. Thankfully, after a follow-up procedure, she's finally doing okay now.

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At the end of the day, getting a doctor to actually look you over is the bare minimum any human being dealing with that kind of misery deserves.

And hey, if they want to walk away from more testing or skip out on treatment entirely, that’s their call to make.

Raymond Walker5 said:I know someone who called 911 for his 90-year-old mother once, and when he told them her age, they basically told him to call a funeral home instead of an ambulance. Not exactly classy on their part, but...

It’s beyond "not classy." It's downright horrific, unprofessional, and completely inhumane. And this comes from a country that loves to brag about how compassionate its people are compared to everyone else—which is just a total facade. Unfortunately, I’ve had my own run-ins with emergency services and the healthcare system while looking after elderly family members. If someone had brushed me off like that... I don't even want to think about how things would have ended. And I'm not exactly the type to lose my cool easily.

Raymond Walker5 said:Why bother putting people through these exhaustive medical tests when they’re clearly at the end of their road? Death isn't some tragedy to be feared; it's just as natural as being born, after all. This woman is quite advanced in years and is obviously in significant pain. Honestly, let her find her peace and head home toward the light.

On one hand, I can see where they're coming from—subjecting someone to invasive, grueling diagnostic procedures just to secure a few more days of life feels unnecessarily cruel. But then again, there are certain things you can diagnose or rule out that might actually extend a person's life without making it a nightmare, potentially even improving their daily quality of life.

Furthermore, pinpointing the actual cause of a patient's distress can play a massive role in managing their suffering, so simply dismissing a problem because someone is "elderly" is its own kind of cruelty.