#1 ·
Unmotivated Americans are always chasing the next big diet craze. The issue with most of them is that you either starve yourself, eat the exact same thing every day, or go completely broke trying to afford all that organic steak. It’s no wonder people end up cheating on their diets, giving up after seventy-two hours, or just spiraling back into binge eating once the initial willpower fades. Is there really nothing left to do besides throwing in the towel and telling your friends it's just a "genetic" issue?
Or maybe there's a tiny glimmer of hope?
There is—it's the new "BABY MIRACLE DIET"! As we get older, you might have noticed that most toddlers stay pretty fit. After staring at a cup of black coffee and a carrot, it hit me that it might be their diet. It isn't expensive, and the food is varied and high quality.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
BREAKFAST
A single-egg omelet. A slice of toast with jam. Using your fingers, eat two bites of the omelet and toss the rest on the floor. Take one bite of the toast, then smear the jam all over your face and clothes.
LUNCH
Four crayons (any color), a handful of chips, and a glass of milk. Take three gulps, then spill the rest.
SNACK
A stick, two quarters, and a dime, along with four sips of lukewarm beer.
DINNER
Fry some toast and throw it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
BREAKFAST
Pick up yesterday's toast from the kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or a packet of food coloring.
LUNCH
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (you have to eat it, not smoke it). One ice cube, if you feel like it.
AFTERNOON SNACK
Lick a lollipop until it gets sticky. Walk outside and toss it into the dirt. Pick it back up and suck on it until it's clean again. Then bring it inside and drop it on the carpet.
DINNER
A pebble or some raw beans you've been keeping in your left nostril. Pour some iced tea over mashed potatoes. Eat it with a spoon.
DAY THREE
BREAKFAST
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup. Eat them with your hands, then wipe your fingers off on your hair. A glass of milk. Drink half, then fill the glass with pancakes. After breakfast, find yesterday's lollipop on the carpet, lick off the lint, and hide it in the cushion of your fanciest armchair.
LUNCH
Three matchsticks, peanut butter, and PB&J. Spit on the floor between bites. Spill a glass of milk across the table and lap it up.
DINNER
A bowl of ice cream, a handful of chips, some wine, and coffee.
FINAL DAY
BREAKFAST
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a chunk of soap, and some olives. Pour a glass of milk over a bowl of cereal and add half a cup of sugar. Once the cereal gets soft, drink the milk and feed the soggy flakes to the dog.
LUNCH
Eat the crumbs off the kitchen floor and the living room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish it off.
DINNER
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave a meatball on the
plate. For dessert: mascara.
😁 😁 😁
Or maybe there's a tiny glimmer of hope?
There is—it's the new "BABY MIRACLE DIET"! As we get older, you might have noticed that most toddlers stay pretty fit. After staring at a cup of black coffee and a carrot, it hit me that it might be their diet. It isn't expensive, and the food is varied and high quality.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
BREAKFAST
A single-egg omelet. A slice of toast with jam. Using your fingers, eat two bites of the omelet and toss the rest on the floor. Take one bite of the toast, then smear the jam all over your face and clothes.
LUNCH
Four crayons (any color), a handful of chips, and a glass of milk. Take three gulps, then spill the rest.
SNACK
A stick, two quarters, and a dime, along with four sips of lukewarm beer.
DINNER
Fry some toast and throw it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
BREAKFAST
Pick up yesterday's toast from the kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or a packet of food coloring.
LUNCH
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (you have to eat it, not smoke it). One ice cube, if you feel like it.
AFTERNOON SNACK
Lick a lollipop until it gets sticky. Walk outside and toss it into the dirt. Pick it back up and suck on it until it's clean again. Then bring it inside and drop it on the carpet.
DINNER
A pebble or some raw beans you've been keeping in your left nostril. Pour some iced tea over mashed potatoes. Eat it with a spoon.
DAY THREE
BREAKFAST
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup. Eat them with your hands, then wipe your fingers off on your hair. A glass of milk. Drink half, then fill the glass with pancakes. After breakfast, find yesterday's lollipop on the carpet, lick off the lint, and hide it in the cushion of your fanciest armchair.
LUNCH
Three matchsticks, peanut butter, and PB&J. Spit on the floor between bites. Spill a glass of milk across the table and lap it up.
DINNER
A bowl of ice cream, a handful of chips, some wine, and coffee.
FINAL DAY
BREAKFAST
A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a chunk of soap, and some olives. Pour a glass of milk over a bowl of cereal and add half a cup of sugar. Once the cereal gets soft, drink the milk and feed the soggy flakes to the dog.
LUNCH
Eat the crumbs off the kitchen floor and the living room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish it off.
DINNER
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave a meatball on the
plate. For dessert: mascara.
😁 😁 😁