#1 ·
I can't help but share this incredible experience with you all. This movie and its ingenious stupidity border on the lucidity of Rambo, so it would be a damn shame if it went unnoticed—and of course, if I didn't comment on it, at least through a few snippets.
It’s a war siege setting, an ancient era of sand and magic. An American from Arkadiyak, The Scorpion King (for god's sake, how much of a BIG SHOT do you have to be to change his name to The Rock 😂), who is otherwise Hawaiian, gets tasked with killing the Prophetess of the evil, super-evil King Memnon. And no, he definitely didn't get his name from the ancient Egyptian ruler Agamemnon, because those two names don't have any similarity whatsoever. The Rock, standing about 6'10" with massive muscles and a skyscraper physique, is strong enough that even after being hit by three poison arrows and getting only two hours of sleep in 17 days, he still manages to kill every living and non-living opponent of the revolution and his super holy mission. Though, honestly, I think they forgot something in the film, because early on they say the people of Arkadiyak are a nation interested only in money—basically mercenaries—who were hired this time by King Ferron to kill the "evil" Memnon, who is probably only evil because The Rock is the lead actor. But in the end, The Rock (his character's name is Mathayus, lol, though let's call him Lothar Matthäus) doesn't ask for any money; he simply takes the throne from "evil Memnon." It's that good old black-and-white world of "good vs. evil," a plotline only kids aged 4 to 8 could actually swallow. Of course, the only swallowing I agree with involves me and the hot Asian Prophetess (Kelly Hu 🙂). Anyway, back to the start. The Rock is strong as an ox, and not just that (if that were all), but he's also wise, and he can escape captivity where he's held by 230 trained soldiers, leap through fire, and his hair always stays clean regardless of the fact that he hasn't washed it since he was twelve. So, yeah, the Arkadiyak people are mercenaries, but they're also a great people, a small nation that achieved everything through hard work and sacrifice (LOL!), certainly not through stealing, burning villages, or seizing loot. Not to mention that The Rock has "the moment" with a Black guy built just like him, where they fight, but after three reversals, The Rock wins and decides to spare him, becoming buddies instead (LOOL).
So, let's dive in. The Rock is, as I mentioned, a world-class warrior who kills more people in one movie than Rambo does in an entire trilogy. All because when he was a kid, his dad—who was a milkman—taught him how to handle a sword, made him brush his teeth every night, and let him drink from a sacred Hawaiian well, and of course, chase hot Hawaiian women and drink their nectar ( 😂 ). Besides that, one day, while The Rock was still a kid (he was 13 years old and 6'4"), he fell into a well of powerful holy water and became stronger than Obelix and Asterix combined. It's a miracle he isn't mentioned in history books, but then again, who believes that history isn't written by frauds?
When he received the order to "kill the Prophetess of King Memnon," who helps in battles with her visions (as soon as I heard it was a Sorceress (played by the super hot Kelly Hu) and not a Sorcerer, I knew The Rock would have to use his "Little Rock" by the end of the movie 😁), he went into action. He doesn't believe in nonsense like "tactical attacks," "armies," or "any weapon other than a sword." "Wait until dark" is just a bunch of clichés to him; he'll do it all himself because he's just that freaking strong. Shaq would run away from him like a wild boar. The first idiocy in the film (actually the 27th by that point, but who's counting 😁) is this legendary dialogue with one of the Arkadiyak warriors—of which there are maybe six, and who are all killed within the first five minutes of the film (including The Rock's brother, otherwise known as The Stone (no, the Arkadiyak people aren't in the top 170 in the world for innovative names) :>
The Rock's brother (riding a horse): Mathayus, get rid of this animal (the camel The Rock is riding).
Mathayus (the name of The Rock's character in the movie): No way.
The Rock's brother: Horses are faster.
Mathayus (The Rock): But camels are smarter.
😂
Law. Aside from the special effects, some hot Asian sex scenes, and the slaughter of two different tribes, we also get this little "animal moment" corner where kids learn that camels are actually smart animals and that being stubborn isn't always a bad thing. Some of them even have a spare pair of socks, a couple of badminton rackets, and a desk fan in their backpacks.
Then The Rock decides to tackle the first obstacle, which is basically the first 200 "bad soldiers" who just showed up to the meadow to relax and screw around. Those 200 soldiers probably represent about 0.2% of the total army The Rock kills throughout the movie. We all remember Donkey from Shrek, played so brilliantly by Eddie Murphy (rumor has it Eddie actually learned a new language just to play Donkey for the kids in the US), well, The Rock meets his own version of "Donkey" in this adventure—this guy uses pseudo-witty "I'm-so-stupid-but-I-mean-well" comments to entertain the audience, acting as a buffer to make the mass slaughter look a bit more upbeat. This is basically the advice Bush should have taken before Iraq: grab a few comedians, set up a live broadcast, and people would change their minds instantly and start clapping in a delirium.
However, The Rock decides (for now) to leave the funny guy hanging from a spit because he has more important business. He enters the temple of the Prophetess, who starts getting all moist the second she lays eyes on him. Apparently, she’s never been with a man before because if she were, she’d lose her powers (how incredibly innovative 😍). She catches feelings immediately, and in her head, she's already imagining them making love on a 300-meter yacht while Elton John and Stevie Wonder perform a duet of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."
Then in walks King Memnon, whose hair looks more expensive than David Beckham's (seriously, what kind of ancient desert techniques are working on this hair? First The Rock, now this guy), arriving with his army. Right in front of The Rock, he brutally murders his brother, who was also played by a Hawaiian actor for the sake of the production. Just seconds before he dies, the brother says something so groundbreaking and unoriginal for movies that I nearly fell off my chair: "Mathayus, Mathayus! Live free, die well." That's clearly so profound it has to be a new slogan for a clothing brand.
Now Memnon prepares to kill The Rock too, which would obviously mean the movie is over. So, I already settled into bed, almost drifted off, thinking the movie was done (exactly 14 minutes and 56 seconds had passed), and I thought to myself, "Man, these short films are great—plenty of plot, action, and education, and now it's probably over." But then the Sorceress (that hot Asian Prophetess) decides to chime in: "No, Memnon. If he dies by your hand or your command, a curse will rise upon thy kingdom"... and so Memnon—who apparently went to the Harvard School of Music and won an award for best young astrophysicist—comes up with the brilliant idea to bury both himself and the "funny donkey guy" in the sand up to their necks, leaving only their heads exposed. He puts three drunk guards on watch to wait for squirrel-sized ants to eat them. Somehow, the clever guy manages to escape the sand (seriously?!) and then does a little "teasing" with The Rock, only freeing him once The Rock promises not to kill him (are you kidding me?). They continue their journey, with The Rock riding a super-camel (which is clearly upgraded with nanotechnology since he can hear The Rock's whistle from 249 miles miles away), while the funny guy runs behind them because there's only room on the camel for The Rock and maybe a woman.
Eventually, The Rock arrives at the city where Memnon, the Prophetess, and a bunch of other people live, and he decides to wander through the local fair. He gets hit on by some hot ancient beauties, but he brushes them off with a smile because he knows he'll get something better by the end of the film. Then he meets a kid who snatches the money bag hanging around his neck. Even though the crafty kids swapped bags so The Rock wouldn't know who had it, he manages to figure out which kid did it and follows him. He finds him, of course, but then remembers he doesn't have any kids of his own, so instead of harvesting the kid's kidney, he just takes him along on his adventures.
Every single one of these movies features an inevitable "scientist" who somehow possesses the most impossible inventions imaginable—like a catapult, for God's sake (!!)—along with a whole string of similar idiocies. Naturally, the scientist sides with The Rock immediately, because let's face it, King Memnon doesn't provide enough federal research grants, and The Rock is clearly the smart guy in the room.
Then there's the part where The Rock gets a chance to take out Memnon while he's busy training his minions. But instead, he decides to fire off an arrow just to save some little kid—a kid he literally just gave a couple of bucks to buy a donut, only for some evil guards to arrest him because apparently, those few dollars are considered massive wealth in their kingdom. How noble of The Rock!! It’s a damn miracle.
I almost fell out of my chair during the scene where The Rock stumbles into Memnon's harem. There must have been like 500 women in there (all dressed in those ancient outfits looking super hot, obviously), and they start petting him and touching him, and I honestly thought, okay fine, this is turning into porn!!!1111one 😁 . But then, women being women, they call the guards, whom he proceeds to absolutely slaughter. (And seriously, there weren't even 300 of them, what were they expecting?!) ...
It’s a war siege setting, an ancient era of sand and magic. An American from Arkadiyak, The Scorpion King (for god's sake, how much of a BIG SHOT do you have to be to change his name to The Rock 😂), who is otherwise Hawaiian, gets tasked with killing the Prophetess of the evil, super-evil King Memnon. And no, he definitely didn't get his name from the ancient Egyptian ruler Agamemnon, because those two names don't have any similarity whatsoever. The Rock, standing about 6'10" with massive muscles and a skyscraper physique, is strong enough that even after being hit by three poison arrows and getting only two hours of sleep in 17 days, he still manages to kill every living and non-living opponent of the revolution and his super holy mission. Though, honestly, I think they forgot something in the film, because early on they say the people of Arkadiyak are a nation interested only in money—basically mercenaries—who were hired this time by King Ferron to kill the "evil" Memnon, who is probably only evil because The Rock is the lead actor. But in the end, The Rock (his character's name is Mathayus, lol, though let's call him Lothar Matthäus) doesn't ask for any money; he simply takes the throne from "evil Memnon." It's that good old black-and-white world of "good vs. evil," a plotline only kids aged 4 to 8 could actually swallow. Of course, the only swallowing I agree with involves me and the hot Asian Prophetess (Kelly Hu 🙂). Anyway, back to the start. The Rock is strong as an ox, and not just that (if that were all), but he's also wise, and he can escape captivity where he's held by 230 trained soldiers, leap through fire, and his hair always stays clean regardless of the fact that he hasn't washed it since he was twelve. So, yeah, the Arkadiyak people are mercenaries, but they're also a great people, a small nation that achieved everything through hard work and sacrifice (LOL!), certainly not through stealing, burning villages, or seizing loot. Not to mention that The Rock has "the moment" with a Black guy built just like him, where they fight, but after three reversals, The Rock wins and decides to spare him, becoming buddies instead (LOOL).
So, let's dive in. The Rock is, as I mentioned, a world-class warrior who kills more people in one movie than Rambo does in an entire trilogy. All because when he was a kid, his dad—who was a milkman—taught him how to handle a sword, made him brush his teeth every night, and let him drink from a sacred Hawaiian well, and of course, chase hot Hawaiian women and drink their nectar ( 😂 ). Besides that, one day, while The Rock was still a kid (he was 13 years old and 6'4"), he fell into a well of powerful holy water and became stronger than Obelix and Asterix combined. It's a miracle he isn't mentioned in history books, but then again, who believes that history isn't written by frauds?
When he received the order to "kill the Prophetess of King Memnon," who helps in battles with her visions (as soon as I heard it was a Sorceress (played by the super hot Kelly Hu) and not a Sorcerer, I knew The Rock would have to use his "Little Rock" by the end of the movie 😁), he went into action. He doesn't believe in nonsense like "tactical attacks," "armies," or "any weapon other than a sword." "Wait until dark" is just a bunch of clichés to him; he'll do it all himself because he's just that freaking strong. Shaq would run away from him like a wild boar. The first idiocy in the film (actually the 27th by that point, but who's counting 😁) is this legendary dialogue with one of the Arkadiyak warriors—of which there are maybe six, and who are all killed within the first five minutes of the film (including The Rock's brother, otherwise known as The Stone (no, the Arkadiyak people aren't in the top 170 in the world for innovative names) :>
The Rock's brother (riding a horse): Mathayus, get rid of this animal (the camel The Rock is riding).
Mathayus (the name of The Rock's character in the movie): No way.
The Rock's brother: Horses are faster.
Mathayus (The Rock): But camels are smarter.
😂
Law. Aside from the special effects, some hot Asian sex scenes, and the slaughter of two different tribes, we also get this little "animal moment" corner where kids learn that camels are actually smart animals and that being stubborn isn't always a bad thing. Some of them even have a spare pair of socks, a couple of badminton rackets, and a desk fan in their backpacks.
Then The Rock decides to tackle the first obstacle, which is basically the first 200 "bad soldiers" who just showed up to the meadow to relax and screw around. Those 200 soldiers probably represent about 0.2% of the total army The Rock kills throughout the movie. We all remember Donkey from Shrek, played so brilliantly by Eddie Murphy (rumor has it Eddie actually learned a new language just to play Donkey for the kids in the US), well, The Rock meets his own version of "Donkey" in this adventure—this guy uses pseudo-witty "I'm-so-stupid-but-I-mean-well" comments to entertain the audience, acting as a buffer to make the mass slaughter look a bit more upbeat. This is basically the advice Bush should have taken before Iraq: grab a few comedians, set up a live broadcast, and people would change their minds instantly and start clapping in a delirium.
However, The Rock decides (for now) to leave the funny guy hanging from a spit because he has more important business. He enters the temple of the Prophetess, who starts getting all moist the second she lays eyes on him. Apparently, she’s never been with a man before because if she were, she’d lose her powers (how incredibly innovative 😍). She catches feelings immediately, and in her head, she's already imagining them making love on a 300-meter yacht while Elton John and Stevie Wonder perform a duet of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On."
Then in walks King Memnon, whose hair looks more expensive than David Beckham's (seriously, what kind of ancient desert techniques are working on this hair? First The Rock, now this guy), arriving with his army. Right in front of The Rock, he brutally murders his brother, who was also played by a Hawaiian actor for the sake of the production. Just seconds before he dies, the brother says something so groundbreaking and unoriginal for movies that I nearly fell off my chair: "Mathayus, Mathayus! Live free, die well." That's clearly so profound it has to be a new slogan for a clothing brand.
Now Memnon prepares to kill The Rock too, which would obviously mean the movie is over. So, I already settled into bed, almost drifted off, thinking the movie was done (exactly 14 minutes and 56 seconds had passed), and I thought to myself, "Man, these short films are great—plenty of plot, action, and education, and now it's probably over." But then the Sorceress (that hot Asian Prophetess) decides to chime in: "No, Memnon. If he dies by your hand or your command, a curse will rise upon thy kingdom"... and so Memnon—who apparently went to the Harvard School of Music and won an award for best young astrophysicist—comes up with the brilliant idea to bury both himself and the "funny donkey guy" in the sand up to their necks, leaving only their heads exposed. He puts three drunk guards on watch to wait for squirrel-sized ants to eat them. Somehow, the clever guy manages to escape the sand (seriously?!) and then does a little "teasing" with The Rock, only freeing him once The Rock promises not to kill him (are you kidding me?). They continue their journey, with The Rock riding a super-camel (which is clearly upgraded with nanotechnology since he can hear The Rock's whistle from 249 miles miles away), while the funny guy runs behind them because there's only room on the camel for The Rock and maybe a woman.
Eventually, The Rock arrives at the city where Memnon, the Prophetess, and a bunch of other people live, and he decides to wander through the local fair. He gets hit on by some hot ancient beauties, but he brushes them off with a smile because he knows he'll get something better by the end of the film. Then he meets a kid who snatches the money bag hanging around his neck. Even though the crafty kids swapped bags so The Rock wouldn't know who had it, he manages to figure out which kid did it and follows him. He finds him, of course, but then remembers he doesn't have any kids of his own, so instead of harvesting the kid's kidney, he just takes him along on his adventures.
Every single one of these movies features an inevitable "scientist" who somehow possesses the most impossible inventions imaginable—like a catapult, for God's sake (!!)—along with a whole string of similar idiocies. Naturally, the scientist sides with The Rock immediately, because let's face it, King Memnon doesn't provide enough federal research grants, and The Rock is clearly the smart guy in the room.
Then there's the part where The Rock gets a chance to take out Memnon while he's busy training his minions. But instead, he decides to fire off an arrow just to save some little kid—a kid he literally just gave a couple of bucks to buy a donut, only for some evil guards to arrest him because apparently, those few dollars are considered massive wealth in their kingdom. How noble of The Rock!! It’s a damn miracle.
I almost fell out of my chair during the scene where The Rock stumbles into Memnon's harem. There must have been like 500 women in there (all dressed in those ancient outfits looking super hot, obviously), and they start petting him and touching him, and I honestly thought, okay fine, this is turning into porn!!!1111one 😁 . But then, women being women, they call the guards, whom he proceeds to absolutely slaughter. (And seriously, there weren't even 300 of them, what were they expecting?!) ...