#1 ·
God bless the internet for the torrent sites. Thank Him for the pirated copies. Thank Him for the cracked software.
Basically, that’s the only reason I was able to watch this movie entirely FREE of charge.
And honestly? That is the single best thing I can say about Hellboy.
The film itself is quite possibly one of the most moronic ways to waste ninety minutes of your life—and we all know there were better things to do, like staring at a bucket of drying paint on a wall... 😉 or perhaps attempting to hypnotize a common housefly. 😲
It reminded me of that "Fellowship of Extraordinary Gentlemen" flick—or whatever they translated that title as—where they constantly bombard you with these supposed "wonders" and eccentric characters (yeah, sure, whatever you say)... but it’s all so incredibly banal and tedious that it actually gives you a headache. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have an inherent problem with comic book movies. Blade is genuinely good, Spider-Man is passable (though, let's be real, you'd expect more from Sam Raimi, but okay...), and don't even get me started on those first two Batman films. But this? This is just stupid. Maybe certain characters look interesting in the panels, but on screen, they are just laughable. And not in a good way.
As for the plot—in terms of ingenuity and tension—it has all the depth of a mediocre Tomb Raider game... you spend the whole time waiting for something actually interesting to happen, wandering off to grab a snack, checking your emails, and then suddenly realizing the bulk of the movie is over. Yes, that's it, ladies and gentlemen! Oops???
If we assume a protagonist is only as good as his antagonist, then Hellboy is easily the most pathetic excuse for a superhero, anti-hero, or monster ever put to film. (Okay, fine, I didn't see that blind guy. What's his name... Ben Affleck in a costume?) His villains are a total ca-ta-stro-phe.
spoiler
I mean, that mechanical Nazi is just moronic. That Nazi bitch serves no purpose other than being decorative (and even that is being generous). Mr. Hellboy himself, acting like some ultra-cool guy (based on what exactly???), spends most of his time brawling with some creature that looks like a retarded younger brother of the Predator, or maybe something the FX crew made for Men in Black that was too dumb for them, so they sold it for peanuts to this production. But the absolute peak of stupidity has to be the main mastermind villain—back then!!!—Rasputin! You know, that Russian guy from before the October Revolution. ??? Who are you kidding...
Look, I actually enjoy bad movies. For instance, Field of Dreams is so delightfully naive and silly that it crosses a line and becomes good. It's campy.
But Hellboy simply sucks!!!!
Rating: 🙂 🙂 🙂
And once again: 🙂
Basically, that’s the only reason I was able to watch this movie entirely FREE of charge.
And honestly? That is the single best thing I can say about Hellboy.
The film itself is quite possibly one of the most moronic ways to waste ninety minutes of your life—and we all know there were better things to do, like staring at a bucket of drying paint on a wall... 😉 or perhaps attempting to hypnotize a common housefly. 😲
It reminded me of that "Fellowship of Extraordinary Gentlemen" flick—or whatever they translated that title as—where they constantly bombard you with these supposed "wonders" and eccentric characters (yeah, sure, whatever you say)... but it’s all so incredibly banal and tedious that it actually gives you a headache. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have an inherent problem with comic book movies. Blade is genuinely good, Spider-Man is passable (though, let's be real, you'd expect more from Sam Raimi, but okay...), and don't even get me started on those first two Batman films. But this? This is just stupid. Maybe certain characters look interesting in the panels, but on screen, they are just laughable. And not in a good way.
As for the plot—in terms of ingenuity and tension—it has all the depth of a mediocre Tomb Raider game... you spend the whole time waiting for something actually interesting to happen, wandering off to grab a snack, checking your emails, and then suddenly realizing the bulk of the movie is over. Yes, that's it, ladies and gentlemen! Oops???
If we assume a protagonist is only as good as his antagonist, then Hellboy is easily the most pathetic excuse for a superhero, anti-hero, or monster ever put to film. (Okay, fine, I didn't see that blind guy. What's his name... Ben Affleck in a costume?) His villains are a total ca-ta-stro-phe.
spoiler
I mean, that mechanical Nazi is just moronic. That Nazi bitch serves no purpose other than being decorative (and even that is being generous). Mr. Hellboy himself, acting like some ultra-cool guy (based on what exactly???), spends most of his time brawling with some creature that looks like a retarded younger brother of the Predator, or maybe something the FX crew made for Men in Black that was too dumb for them, so they sold it for peanuts to this production. But the absolute peak of stupidity has to be the main mastermind villain—back then!!!—Rasputin! You know, that Russian guy from before the October Revolution. ??? Who are you kidding...
Look, I actually enjoy bad movies. For instance, Field of Dreams is so delightfully naive and silly that it crosses a line and becomes good. It's campy.
But Hellboy simply sucks!!!!
Rating: 🙂 🙂 🙂
And once again: 🙂