What does a healthy relationship actually look like?

electricdriver78 said:ps. they weren't unconscious—they were just way too busy porking the piggy 😁

So, "porking the piggy." Yeah... I'm definitely stealing that one. 😁

Robert Long3 said:So, "porking the piggy"... I'll have to keep that one in my back pocket... 😁

The actual phrase is usually "poking the pooch,"

but I decided to put my own little twist on it...

I mean, you know how people in Canada can be—when they want to say they're getting ripped off, they just say "fucking the dog." 😁

It’s a pretty blunt crowd, I guess...

I basically manufactured my own drama, realized way too much, and managed to spiral about three or four levels deep into making a complete mess of things... and just like I suspected—I’m already regretting it.

But honestly, I couldn't help myself; I just had to vent and point fingers at everyone responsible.

My poor boyfriend spent days listening to me spiral; it practically became his daily routine once he got home from work: just checking in on how my day went 😬

It's clear to me now that relationships in that environment are absolutely toxic and must be miserable; I really need to build up some kind of mental shield, even though doing that at a high-pressure job like mine is incredibly difficult...

Sandra Moore said:I basically manufactured all that tension myself, realized just how much I messed up, and escalated things by three or four levels of pure chaos... and honestly, just like I suspected—I’m already regretting it...

I regret even bothering to stir the pot in the first place, but then again, I couldn't help myself... I guess I'm just a total mess.😕

electricdriver78 said:Edward Price73 - what's yours looking like right now? 😕

Sandra Moore, what do you actually know about this personally?

Just because you're working in "paradise" doesn't mean everyone else is.

👎

Honestly, I couldn't care less.🙂

violent_femmes9 said:No way, he’s just that guy Sandra Moore tore apart for trying to push some pyramid scheme on the forum. Now he’s actually trying to come back.

Edward Price73, don't be dense. You're better off staying quiet. 🙂

I'm not complaining; I'm doing just fine.

🙂

Edward Price73 said:It’s about as much as we got last year's snow...🙂

🙂 🙂 😂 😂

Sandra Moore said:The poor guy listened to me vent for days; it actually became part of his daily routine once he got home from work: just hearing about how my day went. 😬

Poor guy. It’s not easy on him either. 🙏

And I bet it isn't easy for you either. Obviously...

I’ve been there myself—feeling the weight of what it actually means to belong to those elite academic circles. Eventually, my refusal to play along led me to a single, inevitable conclusion: I handed in my resignation. It builds up over time, and you can't just shake it off. You can try to swallow the nonsense, try to adapt to the "status quo," but when you look toward the future, you realize there’s no room for your actual self in that equation. Now, at least, I have the clarity to see further ahead. I suppose I’m still young enough—or perhaps just naive enough—to cling to certain ideals. On the flip side, there are far too many people who simply accepted the game and joined the "don't rock the boat" crowd, making anyone with a backbone look like a black sheep. So, I ventured out into the wider world... only to find the exact same patterns repeating. Even out here, research seems to follow some unwritten rule of copy-pasting existing work and slapping on two indigestible new sentences. If you're brave enough, you eventually realize you have to live for your own ideas—pushing them forward despite the crushing weight of everyone else's expectations. It isn't easy... it's much easier to be on "their" side... but then you're left with that small, private sense of satisfaction from a genuine achievement. The real question is whether you can convince yourself that such a thing is enough to offset the sheer grayness of the society you're part of...

You'll endure it... there are moments in life that serve as quiet signals that you're actually on the right path. You just have to be able to recognize them...

And why are those so-called "academic circles" so incredibly brainwashed? Seriously, Sandra Moore, why do you take all of this so damn seriously and personally instead of just laughing at these fossils and having some fun? Can someone tell me which university we're even talking about here?🙂

Casey Palmer5 said:It’s clearly not easy for you either. Obviously.

What makes you say that?

Sandra Moore said:I’m set for life at this job—plenty of reasons to stay—but those people? That whole work culture? It’s just awful.

That sounds terrible! My office is pure bliss; everyone gets along so well. Honestly, it’s been so friendly that some coworkers have even started flirting with me.
🙂

Sandra Moore said:This might be slightly outside the narrow scope of this subforum—but I honestly think it belongs here; wherever you find psychology, the soul, interpersonal relationships, or mental and emotional equilibrium, you also find health or lack thereof. After all, the UN definition of health includes social and familial well-being... so if it’s allowed, I’d like to discuss my topic here.

Here is the situation.

I’ve landed in another conflict. This time, it’s with the boss. I absolutely cannot stomach his laziness or his refusal to act; he’s obsessed with maintaining a painful status quo during this general overhaul, even though our current roadmap is completely out of touch with the market. His performance rating is abysmal—it's a total disaster. We are sinking day by day, despite having everything we need to turn things around (aside from human connection and capacity—and people can always be hired or brought on board, right?).

Two of my female colleagues and I have some ideas that I truly believe are brilliant. However, I am not in a position to make the final call.

I know he’s weighed down by his own messy problems (which he could solve... if he actually wanted to); I know he was raised under a different system; I know he’s afraid of his own shadow; I know he speaks in vague ambiguities just so he won't be held accountable by being clear; I know it’s hard for him to face his own lack of results. And I know his peers are both his support system and—even worse—the weight dragging him down.

But I couldn't just sit by and pretend; I went looking for answers and initiated conversations, knowing full well it would lead to conflict and tension that couldn't be resolved—because resolution requires willingness from both sides.

Does it always have to be this way? Is there a way to bypass that agonizing stage where you have to prove someone is simply incompetent before you can move past them? Or must we convince ourselves to enter into conflict just to get anything done? What is the "right" way to handle this?

I'm more cautious now—I've acted quite impulsively a few times. Once, I practically threw a stack of books at an editor's chest and told him to go to hell because they had deceived me and asked for something unethical. Idiot. I should have just walked away; I could have been smarter, but back then, I didn't know how. The second time, I just walked out, said a few harsh words, and that was that. I'm permanently employed here, so I have reasons to stay—but these people, this way of working... it's just awful.

Do we always have to reach realization through painful conflicts that ultimately solve nothing?

I really feel for you.

A few days back, I was debating whether or not to drop this exact same topic here. I bailed because I couldn't figure out how to word it without sounding totally out of place for a forum like this. But honestly? It’s been stuck in my head ever since.

Sandra Moore👍

This isn't just about college; it applies to any job or even social circles. It’s basically "ride the wave or get wiped out."

Trying to force things—aka slamming your head against a brick wall—is useless. You won't win, and you'll just end up with a headache. The point is to actually move the needle, right? Get some progress, make a change.

Revolutions are rare. Evolution is way better. Go slow, take it step by step, but don't quit.

Maybe Sandra Moore won't be able to flip the whole script at once, but if she pulls off even a fraction of her plan, that's a massive win. I know it feels small and underwhelming right now, but one shift triggers the next. People start seeing that what you're doing actually works, then you get allies, and suddenly everything starts moving. So, stop whining and just start implementing changes. NO MATTER HOW TINY they seem right now.

Let me give you an example. Back when I was a student, I wanted to overhaul some stuff at my university. There was a mountain of things to fix. I started junior year. I joined a student union to actually have some leverage and got to work. Most people in the union were just messing around, and I was one of the few who actually gave a damn. I started with something trivial—the office hours for the admin staff (I won't even go there...). Basically, after countless emails back and forth with the Dean, running surveys almost by myself all over campus, and nerding out over university bylaws and regulations, we actually changed those hours! And man, the students were stoked.

That was step one. Things picked up speed. More people started noticing, helping out, jumping in—we hit critical mass. One day, this guy from another college comes up to me and goes, "Hey, I hear you guys are becoming absolute powerhouses on your campus. How'd you pull that off? Nobody cares about anything at our school."

The late Vlado gotovac once told a reporter something similar:

There are always going to be only a handful of people willing to fight. That's just how it is. Accept it and keep pushing.

So... build that critical mass at your school and you've made magic happen... or... even if you just kickstart the process (even if it takes ten years for the momentum to catch), you've done a hell of a lot. Based on what you said, there are plenty of people who feel the same way, so it should move fast...

If you’re leaning too hard on the pressure and assuming you're the only one unhappy, you better watch your step...

Also... manipulation isn't a winning strategy. It'll wreck your mental health and just stress everyone out... before you know it, you'll be turning into one of them.

Personally, I'm all about being direct—just don't overplay your hand. That approach worked for me, and it still does... especially since I work at a place where everyone’s always busy whispering behind each other's backs.

One option? Just quit if you can find a better gig somewhere else.

Honestly, I am genuinely curious about what exactly is going on within our universities and among the faculty lately.

What are these disputes actually about? Why is there such intense resistance coming from them?

During my own time in college, my primary frustration was always the registrar’s office—those incredibly rude, arrogant administrators and the endless lines you had to endure just to speak with them. Nothing ever seemed to be handled efficiently or on the first attempt. You would show up to register for an exam, only to find out the forms weren't available, or the clerk wasn't even at their desk to authorize your paperwork.

Then there were the professors who were seemingly impossible to locate unless you arrived during their strictly designated office hours.

Or consider those instructors who showed up to lectures merely to read aloud from a textbook (seriously!?) or those who spent the entire period cracking jokes and acting as if they were far more important than they actually were.

And let us not forget the ones who designed exams based on everything except the actual assigned reading material.

Not to mention the outdated curriculum and those courses that lack any substance, consisting of nothing but endless divisions and dry definitions.