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What should I do? Dealing with depression in the family

Started by Jose Alvarez3 · · 👁 5 views · 17 replies

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Participants Jose Alvarez3Jamie Johnson6Susan Martin24Jamie Clark74Kyle Nelson2Animblehawk52Nicole Morales12Sophia Cruz6
Jose Alvarez3 Jose Alvarez3 NewcomerOP
1 message
joined Jan 2006
#1 ·
It was about sixteen years ago when my mom first spiraled into depression... back then, we didn't really understand what was happening. We just assumed it was because she retired earlier than expected, especially since she wasn't dealing with any major physical health issues at the time.

Not long after that, things took a terrifying turn when she attempted suicide. Once she was released from the hospital, she started mixing her pills with alcohol, or would sometimes just overdose by combining different types of tranquilizers... that initial struggle with her depression and subsequent addictions lasted for maybe two or three years, which was incredibly draining for me, especially since I was only thirteen at the time.

Things seemed to stabilize for about six years, but then the depression returned, and it felt like everything was resetting to zero. On top of the mental health struggles, she started racking up debts from people we didn't even know and through various credit unions, though we eventually managed to pay it all back... there was even an incident where she nearly burned the house down without even realizing it; a cigarette fell onto the carpet and kept burning right under her nose, yet she didn't even flinch.

She went through addiction treatment at several different facilities, having periods where she seemed fine, only to fall right back into the cycle again... however, for the last four years, she actually seemed okay.

But this spring, the whole pattern is repeating itself... so far, she’s cycled through three different types of antidepressants and is currently on her fourth, but nothing seems to be working, not even psychotherapy.

The doctors are honestly at a loss for how to help her now. She refuses to open up, and nobody can pinpoint the actual root cause of all of this... the medications don't seem to provide relief, they just leave her feeling even more lethargic and sedated.

I'm reaching a point where I just don't know what else to do. I have to admit, I’m feeling quite exhausted by her constant battles with depression and addiction... I just want to know if there's any way she can finally become the person she's capable of being.

Part of me feels like I might just have to let go and walk away...

It’s so difficult because I feel powerless, and I truly don't know how to support her anymore.

Talking doesn't change anything, and physically, she’s quite healthy for her age, and financially she seems stable—at least as far as I know, she isn't in debt this time around. I can't suggest a nursing home because she isn't interested in that right now... she's sixty-eight, and I'm just lost on how to handle this situation with her.

If anyone here has gone through something similar, or if you have any advice at all, please, I would really appreciate you sharing it with me.
Jamie Johnson6 Jamie Johnson6 Member
37 messages
joined Mar 2003
#2 ·
This might come across as a bit harsh, but I really think
you should try to accept things as they are (if your description is accurate) and make sure you don't let your mother's depression dictate the course of your own life.

Just do your absolute best, and please remember to look after yourself; from what I can gather, you lost that sense of maternal support quite early on.

I truly hope you have a solid family network or siblings you can lean on to share this burden with.

Continue to show your mom love, even when she's stuck in that state of apathy. Who knows, maybe a new medication will be released soon that changes everything...😢
Susan Martin24 Susan Martin24 Active Member
79 messages
joined Apr 2006
#3 ·
Look, we really need to stop treating depression like it’s just some minor hurdle you can snap out of. It’s heavy stuff. And honestly, it's pretty heartbreaking to face the reality that for about 20% of people struggling with it, things don't just "fix" themselves. Even when they're doing everything by the book—staying on top of their meds, showing up for psychotherapy, even engaging in occupational therapy—it doesn't always lead to a full recovery. For a significant chunk of people, it remains a chronic battle, regardless of how much effort they put into treatment.
It’s just one of those things you eventually have to face—as we get older, those little health issues tend to start stacking up rather than staying put. It feels like once one thing starts acting up, everything else begins to follow suit.
Look, I know this is probably going to sound harsh, and I hate being the one to say it, but we have to face the reality here: if you're living in close quarters with someone struggling with depression, there’s a massive chance you’re eventually going to start feeling those symptoms too. It’s just how it works. It’s like a heavy fog that starts to settle over everything, and before you know it, you're breathing it in yourself. You can't just keep pouring from an empty cup indefinitely; you seriously have to start looking out for your own mental health, or you're going to crash right along with them.
Honestly, when someone reaches that point where they just can't manage on their own anymore, finding them a spot in a proper assisted living facility or a skilled nursing home becomes absolutely essential. It’s not just about having a roof over their head; it’s about making sure they actually get the level of care they need to stay safe and comfortable. When you hit that stage where daily tasks become impossible without help, transitioning to a dedicated care facility isn't just an option—it's a necessity.

A few months back, I put together a little post on my blog about depression, and I figured I’d bring it over here to share it with you all:

Look, we really need to get this through our collective heads: depression is an actual illness, not some character flaw or a sign that you're "weak." When doctors talk about "major depressive disorder" or "clinical depression," they aren't just using fancy labels for being sad—they're talking about a serious medical condition. It’s fundamentally a biological issue, much like how someone might deal with high blood pressure or diabetes. Just like those conditions, there's often a genetic component involved where you inherit a predisposition for it. It's medical, it's real, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
The human brain is such an incredible, finely tuned machine, though we’re still scratching the surface of how the whole thing actually works. After centuries of researchers digging into it, we’ve realized that everything comes down to balance. Basically, the brain operates through these electrical impulses that travel via chemical messengers called neurotransmitters, and if those levels get out of whack, things go south fast. For instance, we know that if you don't have enough serotonin floating around, it can lead to major imbalances that show up as symptoms of depression. It's wild how much our entire mood depends on that delicate internal chemistry.
Depression isn't just one single feeling; it’s this massive, messy spectrum that hits everyone differently. For some people, it’s that heavy loss of willpower where even getting out of bed feels like climbing Everest. For others, it shows up as a total mood crash or a complete wreck of a sleep schedule—either you're staring at the ceiling at 3 AM with insomnia, or you're sleeping through half the day because you just can't stay awake. I've noticed it also messes with your head in other ways, too. Your focus just evaporates, making it impossible to get anything done, and suddenly, you stop caring about the world around you or hanging out with friends. Even your appetite goes haywire; you might lose interest in food entirely, or find yourself stress-eating way more than usual, which obviously leads to those frustrating shifts in weight. It’s also an absolute energy drain. You end up feeling exhausted all the time, even if you haven't actually done much physically. That sense of purposelessness starts creeping in, your self-confidence takes a massive hit, and in the darkest moments, things can get really scary when thoughts of death or suicide start feeling like the only way to solve the problems you're facing. It's a heavy load to carry, and it's definitely not something anyone should have to navigate alone.
Look, let’s be real—we’ve all been there. At some point in our lives, we’ve all dealt with one or two of these symptoms. It’s just part of being human. But for doctors to actually call it clinical depression, you can't just have a bad week here or there. You have to be experiencing most, if not all, of these symptoms consistently over a significant stretch of time. It’s about the pattern and how long it sticks around, not just a temporary funk.
You know, people often think of depression as just one big, heavy cloud, but it’s actually way more nuanced than that. There are definitely milder versions out there, like dysthymia or even seasonal affective disorder, where things really take a hit just because you aren't getting enough sunlight—I know I personally feel that shift once the winter hits and the days get short. But it's also important to remember that depression isn't always its own standalone thing. It can actually be a symptom of other underlying issues. We're talking about everything from various physical organic illnesses to mental health struggles like bipolar disorder, OCD, or eating disorders like bulimia. It’s all interconnected, and sometimes what looks like depression is actually just one piece of a much bigger medical puzzle.

Depression isn't exactly a "new" problem we just stumbled upon; it’s actually been documented for millennia, dating all the way back to ancient Egyptian medical texts. For a long time, experts estimated that somewhere between 5% and 15% of the population dealt with some form of it, though honestly, it feels like those numbers have been climbing lately. Statistically, women tend to be diagnosed about twice as often as men, and it’s most common in folks over the age of 65. One thing I find really heavy is how much the first episode matters—if someone goes through an initial bout that lasts up to six months and doesn't get any treatment, there's a 50% chance they'll face a relapse down the road. It’s a vicious cycle. And the stakes are incredibly high; if people don't reach out for professional help and get the care they need, about 15% of those struggling with depression end up taking their own lives. It’s a serious reality that we really need to keep talking about.
It’s wild when you really stop to think about it, but so many legendary figures in history were actually battling depression. It wasn't just some niche thing; it was part of the lives of people who shaped the world as we know it. I mean, look at the heavy hitters: Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, even guys like Mark Twain and Ernest Hemingway. You’ve got icons like Winston Churchill and Marilyn Monroe, plus military legends like General Patton and even Princess Diana. It goes to show that even when you're at the absolute top of your game—reaching levels of fame or power most people can only dream of—you can still be struggling with your mental health behind closed doors. It makes you realize that greatness and struggle aren't mutually exclusive; they often go hand in hand.
So, let’s talk about what actually triggers depression. While it's true that some people are just genetically predisposed to it—basically having that underlying vulnerability baked into their DNA—it usually takes a massive psychological hit to actually set things in motion. We're talking the heavy stuff: a messy breakup, losing a family member, going through a divorce, or hitting those periods where money is just incredibly tight. Even long-term burnout from a high-stress job can do it, or honestly, even those endless, gloomy winters we get in places like Chicago or Seattle where the sun just disappears for months. It’s not always just "mental" stress, though. Physical health plays a huge role too. Dealing with something like cancer, diabetes, or recovering from a major surgery or a stroke can absolutely trigger a depressive episode. Even certain medications—like stuff used for heart conditions, hormone treatments, or even birth control—can mess with your head. And, obviously, we can't ignore how much substance abuse, whether it's alcohol or drugs, can spiral everything downward. It’s all connected.

For thousands of years, people have tried everything under the sun to deal with depression. It’s been pretty grim, honestly—ranging from bloodletting and exorcisms to physical beatings, starvation, early electroshock therapy, insulin coma treatments, and heavy sedatives.
The real game-changer happened back in 1986 with the discovery of Prozac. It’s a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), which basically works by boosting serotonin levels in the brain by preventing it from being "washed away" too quickly from the spots where it actually needs to do its job.
Since then, thanks to Prozac and a whole wave of similar medications, over 54 million people have successfully managed their depression. It’s turned what used to be an incredibly heavy burden into one of the most treatable mental health conditions out there. Nowadays, more than 80% of patients find relief through medication, psychotherapy, or a mix of both.

The bottom line is that you can't mess around with depression or underestimate how much it can hurt. It doesn't just affect the person suffering; it ripples out and impacts their entire family and everyone close to them.
If you're looking for more info, there's a ton of resources online—places like www.depression.com and www.prozac.com, along with plenty of other sites.
And please, don't ever feel ashamed about seeing a psychiatrist. Even though there’s still this outdated stigma in some parts of American culture where people look down on needing mental health support, don't let that stop you. Reaching out is a strength, not a weakness.
Jamie Clark74 Jamie Clark74 Regular
278 messages
joined Sep 2004
#4 ·
Susan Martin24 said:Depression isn't a small issue... and unfortunately, about 20% of patients with depression don't see a full recovery despite therapy—whether it's medication, psychotherapy, or occupational therapy...As people age, these struggles often progress.
It sounds harsh, but I have to be honest with you—it's an unavoidable reality that family members of those with depression eventually show symptoms themselves... and you really need to look out for yourself, too.
When a patient can no longer function independently, placing them in residential care facilities that provide proper support and housing becomes a necessary consideration...

A few months ago, I wrote a bit about depression on my blog, so I'll share that here:

Since Dr. Jane Doe gave you such a clear overview of the situation,
as someone living with a chronic condition, I'll just briefly share my thoughts and provide a link if you want to read more.

Back in 1991, when I was 50, I held a high-responsibility role at a steel mill. My job involved maintenance—essentially managing the electrical scheduling for the entire plant.
I was overseeing 20 vehicles, work orders, three computers, and five or six phone lines. I used to complain it was too much, but given they were laying off 3,000 people, I just received some sympathy, a guarantee of employment, and a promise that the workload would eventually ease up.
That’s when my health began its rapid decline (though back then, I had no idea it was my fault). To put it simply, I became so weak I could barely walk. I started having panic attacks, so I took three months of vacation to recover. When I returned to work, an ambulance actually rushed me to the hospital because they thought I was having a heart attack... after testing, it turned out to be extreme stress and anxiety, and I was referred to a psychiatrist. There, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and certain personality traits.

Because of these conditions, I had to transition to disability retirement in 1992.
Things haven't improved significantly, though I am capable of managing my own care.
The downside is that I now deal with even more medical issues, so it feels like I'm stuck in a loop.

I've been seeing my psychiatrist every six weeks since 1992. I'm grateful to have actual professional help... and most importantly, I still have a strong desire to keep learning as much as my health and medications allow (I even attended classes at Johns Hopkins University for about 18 months, but I struggle to concentrate lately).

Much like your mother, I feel the side effects of my medications quite heavily, especially since I take about 25 pills a day and live with chronic pain from two spinal surgeries and other ailments.

I can be a challenge for my wife, as she never knows when or how long I'll be sleeping. Between my other health issues and the fact that I have sleep apnea and need a CPAP machine, we sleep separately.
I'm fully aware of my own illnesses and the challenges my wife faces. I also can't stand loud noises or the chaos of my grandkids, but my whole family has sat down with my psychiatrist, so everyone understands what I'm going through.
I've been dealing with chronic illness for 14 years now, and I've accepted that things aren't going to get better.

Knowing others, including your mother, I realize that even though I can't work, I'm glad I fought hard enough to maintain an interest in life—specifically through the computing I've done for over 30 years... and the internet.

Life is hard for the patient, but it's even harder for the family. Every patient is different. I'm thankful that I can speak openly with my psychiatrist, and my wife joins me, so we always have these 1.5-hour sessions together.

It is very difficult for someone at 68 to change or reinvent themselves. Unfortunately, they might even become a danger to themselves—like you mentioned, how someone "started a fire with a cigarette." As the doctor said, as we get older, treatment becomes more difficult... and even healthy people start becoming forgetful at that age.

Please take care of yourselves. Help others as much as you can, but don't let it destroy your own lives—you’re already carrying enough stress as it is.

Speaking from my own experience and what I've seen in other cases, I honestly think it might be too late for your mother to suddenly change her ways or pick up a new hobby. She’s gone too far down this path. People who are younger, or those dealing with just mild depression, won't grasp the difference between a minor setback and Major Depressive Disorder. It's a different level entirely.

Here is a link for;

"Psychiatry and Me": A thread for forum members serious about these illnesses!

Jamie Clark74: 35 years of battling illnesses, medications, and therapies.

Wishing you all the best,
Jamie Clark74
Kyle Nelson2 Kyle Nelson2 Regular
475 messages
joined Jun 2008
#5 ·
Look, I’m no expert, but...
Maybe try finding her some kind of hobby or something to keep her busy? She mentioned falling into depression once she retired, so maybe she just feels like she lacks a sense of purpose now, and that’s what’s dragging her down...

Is there any land available for her to work on or garden? Something to get her moving physically? (I know, sounds kind of stupid, but I honestly think being active can cut down on that depressive feeling by at least 25%)

Also, I guess—and again, I'm just a layman here—that you might actually help her more by helping yourself and not getting sucked into her drama. If you start playing along with her mindset, you just become an enabler, and that only feeds into the illness...
A Anonymous Veteran
3.6K messages
joined May 2005
#6 ·
School is honestly draining the life out of me, and my social life is basically non-existent right now.
During the week, I’m stuck in this endless loop of just going to class and then heading straight home.
Once Friday hits, I pretty much hermit away until Monday rolls around and I have to face school again. I don't even step foot outside my front door...
Everything feels like it revolves around academics. Everyone keeps telling me to get out more and stop stressing so much since I'll graduate eventually, but honestly? That advice does absolutely nothing for me.
Jamie Clark74 Jamie Clark74 Regular
278 messages
joined Sep 2004
#7 ·
@Stana,
Just because you're "swamped with school" doesn't automatically mean you're depressed. Still, we all need a change of pace sometimes. The bare minimum you could do for yourself is a quick 30-minute brisk walk every day. Honestly, if you asked a doctor, they'd tell you the same thing—we all need that daily movement just to keep our systems running smoothly.

The same goes for making time for some casual conversation with a friend or a partner. It really matters. Speaking from experience, I spent my entire childhood working after school and late into the night without any social life. If I had been struggling back then, I'd probably be dealing with serious anxiety today.

Since you're spending so much time studying... it might be tough, but I really think you should find a hobby. Something outside the house that isn't tied to your studies.

All the best,
Jamie Clark74
nimblehawk52 nimblehawk52 Member
11 messages
joined Jun 2006
#8 ·
Stana said:I'm feeling totally depressed because of school, so honestly, nobody gives a damn about me
On weekdays, my life is just a repetitive loop of school and home, over and over again all week long.
Then when Friday finally rolls around, I don't even step foot outside my house until Monday morning when I have to head back to class; I literally don't even go out into my own backyard.......
Everything revolves around academics right now... everyone keeps telling me I need to get out more and stop obsessing over grades since I'll graduate eventually, but none of that advice actually helps.

But why is your entire existence centered on school? What's stopping you from picking up a sport, grabbing a coffee, or hanging out with your girlfriends?

And why would anyone else be expected to care? No one can pull you out of this if you aren't willing to make your own life interesting... you aren't experiencing depression, you're just bored...
Jose Alvarez3 Jose Alvarez3 NewcomerOP
1 message
joined Jan 2006
#9 ·
Taroth said:I’m certainly no expert, but...
maybe try finding her some sort of hobby or distraction? She mentioned falling into depression after she retired, so perhaps she just feels like she lacks purpose now, and that's what's dragging her down...

Is there any land available for her to work on, maybe something involving physical activity? It might sound a bit silly, but I feel like being active can sometimes help ease about 25% of that depressive weight...

Also, I think—and again, I'm just a layman here—that you might actually be helping yourself more by not getting pulled into her downward spiral. If you lean too far into her mood, you become a partner in it, and that just ends up feeding into her illness...

Yes, we used to have a vineyard. It was a passion for both her and my dad, and even for me for a little while before I left for college.

Once it started feeling like too much heavy lifting for them, and honestly, a mental burden for my mother, we handed the vineyard over to my nephew and his family—my sister and her husband.

Since my nephew was quite young back then, her main focus became looking after him, her grandson. But still, nothing seemed to bring her joy; even the simplest tasks, whether they were demanding or not, felt like an overwhelming struggle to her.

I tried encouraging her to keep doing the things she had done her entire life, but she just won't engage. I suppose it comes down to a certain kind of lethargy. Then I suggested she pick up something new, something she never had the time for before, but even that didn't really move the needle for her.

I have another sister who lives out on the coast, and she happens to be the middle child. There was this suggestion that my dad and I should go live with her, so they could stay there for the rest of their lives. She refuses. Even just taking a trip to the coast to visit her occasionally feels like an exhausting chore to her.

Since I don't live in the same city as them anymore, I used to make sure to visit every single weekend. But lately, even my visits have become a source of stress for her. She gets this feeling that everything has to be perfectly tidy and clean—I mean, the whole house. Even though she was never particularly meticulous, and my sisters and I were always the ones doing all the cleaning, the laundry, the prepping, and the cooking.

So, recently, whenever she’s supposed to come visit, she’ll end up bedridden two days before the trip, acting like she isn't well. Or she'll just call me and tell me not to bother coming at all.

The hardest part is that she knows exactly what she's doing to me and my sisters—how we're losing our minds, how she's draining the life out of us with these constant bouts of depression. It's starting to push my husband past his breaking point, because when she falls into these moods, I find myself completely unraveling right along with her.

I want so badly to help her, but I'm truly at a loss. I don't even need to mention that my husband doesn't want to visit my parents anymore, and even my nephew doesn't seem to have the heart to go see his grandparents.

Perhaps the worst part of it all is that I've reached a point where I don't even know what to talk to her about, fearing that anything I say might trigger another downward spiral or weigh her down mentally... and honestly, there are moments when I don't even have the will to see her until she finds her footing again.

I used to wonder, and even felt a bit judgmental, about how some children could just leave their elderly parents alone without visiting them. Now, unfortunately, I find myself being one of those children.
A Anonymous Veteran
3.6K messages
joined May 2005
#10 ·
nimblehawk52 said:Why is school the only thing on your mind? It’s not like anyone is stopping you from playing a sport, grabbing coffee, or hanging out with your girlfriends.

Why would anyone else care about this? No one can help you if you aren't willing to make your own life more interesting... you don't have depression, you're just bored...

It’s not that I’m being stopped, it’s just that I can't bring myself to actually go out. I always rush home because I’m stressed about finishing all my studying, but once I finally get home, I still can't focus because I'm just spiraling about having to face school again tomorrow...
Sometimes I'll go a whole week without even touching the TV or turning on my computer, but usually, I'm glued to social media for about six hours a day.
nimblehawk52 nimblehawk52 Member
11 messages
joined Jun 2006
#11 ·
Stana said:sometimes I can go a whole week without touching the TV or even turning on my computer, though usually I'm spending about six hours a day plugged into various social media feeds

If you want my honest advice, you really need to find a hobby that actually engages you—whether that’s signing up for guitar lessons, joining a local choir, hitting an aerobics class, grabbing your rollerblades, or even picking up crochet... you know your own heart better than anyone else does...
just get out of the house in the evenings and join a club or a group; believe me, once you start socializing, school won't be the only thing looping in your head all night. 😍

I don't watch much TV either, and my laptop is mostly just open because I need it for my college coursework—I'll surf the web here and there during study breaks—but you definitely need to shake things up, because if you're planning on heading to university, you're going to hit a total breaking point by freshman year if you don't change your routine now.😬
Nicole Morales12 Nicole Morales12 Newcomer
9 messages
joined Apr 2006
#12 ·
@Laura Ramirez61/">@@Laura Ramirez61, I totally get where you're coming from, but maybe try not to be too hard on her? It’s not like she’s doing this on purpose. Honestly, she probably has one more thing to worry about knowing that her anxiety might have caused you all to drift away from her lately. When she tells you she can't come over, could it just be that she doesn't want to weigh you down? I'm not quite sure what the best move is here, but what if you asked her to take some time to think about what might actually help her? Then, you could try to make that happen—even if it means putting your own needs on the back burner for a bit. If it truly helps her feel better, wouldn't that be worth it in the end?
Jamie Clark74 Jamie Clark74 Regular
278 messages
joined Sep 2004
#13 ·
Laura Ramirez61 said:Lately, whenever she’s supposed to visit, she’ll be bedridden two days beforehand feeling unwell. Or she’ll just call me and say there’s no need for me to come at all.

That sounds like a classic symptom of the illness. She might still be dealing with discomfort, anxiety, or even panic attacks.

She lives in her own bubble and doesn't feel the need to socialize... actually, she’s afraid of meeting up.
Because she starts worrying about him—as you said, she's been "sick" for two days already.

Take me, for example. I'm an extrovert; when I'm out, I talk to everyone and never shut up... a total chatterbox... a huge social butterfly.
But I have frequent doctor visits. Often by the evening or even when I lay down in the morning, I can't sleep. Why? Even though people tell me I'm very easy to talk to and a very educated patient. It all comes down to the fact that the illness is chronic. I used to be shy, withdrawn, and always struggled with anxiety.

Whenever something non-routine happens, it immediately knocks me out of my
normal state and makes me feel worse. Panic attacks, stomach issues, dizziness... the works.

By the way, you haven't mentioned how things are going with your mom and dad.
I noticed most of your posts focus on "the consequences for you and your younger sister,"
but since he lives with her 24/7, your father is likely her closest support.

I'm only asking because I know how it goes from my experience. We live alone, and my habit of sleeping in late—unless I'm seeing doctors—causes friction because it affects my wife's life. She's up early while I'm up in the afternoon. By the time the meds wear off and I'm awake, she's already heading to bed. Whether it's your mother or myself, being sick means we become a challenge to ourselves and our families.

Best,
Jamie Clark74
😎
Jamie Johnson6 Jamie Johnson6 Member
37 messages
joined Mar 2003
#14 ·
Laura Ramirez61 said:Yes, we actually used to have a vineyard. It was a passion project for both my dad and my mom for quite some time, and I even helped out until I left for college here in the States.

Once the physical labor started feeling like too much for her—and honestly, a massive mental burden for my mother—we decided to hand the vineyard over to my nephew and his family, which means my sister and her husband.

Since my nephew was just a little kid back then, she found a lot of joy in focusing her energy on him, her grandson. Even so, nothing seemed to truly bring her happiness anymore; every task, no matter how small, felt like an overwhelming struggle to her.

I tried so hard to encourage her to keep up with the things she had spent her whole life doing, but she just couldn't find the spark. If I'm being honest, it almost feels like a lack of motivation. I suggested she try picking up a new hobby or something she might have had time for before, but that didn't really interest her either.

I have another sister who lives out on the coast, and by the way, she’s a nurse. There was this idea that my dad and I could move out there to be near her and stay for good, but Mom refuses. Even just the thought of driving down to visit her sister at the beach feels like too much effort for her.

Since I don't live in the same city as them anymore, I used to make a point to visit every single weekend. But lately, even my visits have become a source of stress for her. She gets this intense pressure to have everything perfectly tidy and clean—the house, you know? Even though she was never particularly meticulous, and my sisters and I were always the ones doing the cleaning, laundry, and cooking, she still worries about it.

It’s reached a point where, recently, whenever she knows I'm coming to visit, she’ll fall ill and stay in bed for two days straight right before I arrive. Or she’ll just call me and tell me not to bother coming at all.

The hardest part is that she is fully aware of how this affects me and my sisters. We are losing our minds, and she is essentially draining the life out of us with these constant bouts of depression. It’s starting to push my husband to his absolute limit, because when she falls into a depressive state, I am completely overwhelmed by anxiety myself.

I want so badly to help her, but I feel like I've run out of ideas. I don't even need to mention that my husband doesn't want to visit my parents anymore, and even my nephew doesn't really have the heart to go see his grandparents.

Perhaps the worst part is that I’ve reached a stage where I don't even know what to talk to her about. I'm terrified that anything I say might trigger another downward spiral or add to her mental load, so I find myself lacking the will to even see her until she's feeling more like herself.

I used to wonder, and even feel a bit judgmental, how children could ever leave their aging parents alone without visiting them. Now, unfortunately, I find myself in that exact same position.

To me, this all sounds very typical, and unfortunately, very familiar.
You have to learn from the mistakes of others.
You really need to create some kind of healthy distance.
It isn't a lack of love.
Let go of perfectionism and that crushing sense of guilt (hasn't a mother always found a way to instill that in you?) because that path only leads to burnout.
As much as you can, try to view her actions as symptoms of an illness rather than personal attacks against you. You cannot "fix" her—most likely, you can't—so please don't take this responsibility onto your own shoulders. If you do, someone else will suffer for your decision, and by then, it will be too late.
You are young and have so many battles ahead of you, whereas your mother has lived most of her life (and I truly hope those years were happy). Simply put: if you completely surrender yourself to her situation, you won't be able to help anyone, including her.
In my experience, while spiritual support might help the family since everyone is being affected, your mother primarily needs medical intervention.
Sophia Cruz6 Sophia Cruz6 Newcomer
5 messages
joined Mar 2009
#15 ·
Honestly, I think it might be worth looking into joining some kind of local club or community group just to find a hobby. It’s easy to spiral into a bit of a funk if you're stuck in a rut or feeling like you aren't really accomplishing anything, and that's when things get heavy. Maybe she could figure out what actually sparks her interest—something she can sink her teeth into? Or, if there's any extra room in the budget, even just planning a trip somewhere could be a huge help. There are plenty of ways to shake things up, really.
Jose Alvarez3 Jose Alvarez3 NewcomerOP
1 message
joined Jan 2006
#16 ·
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the support, the advice, and for being so understanding... 🙂

Regarding travel, she has absolutely no desire to head to the coast with me, let alone go on a proper trip... everything about it just feels overwhelming to her right now.

The relationship between my mom and dad is quite complex, though in a way, it’s actually very simple when you look at how most men and women interact... Dad is everything to her and she is everything to him, but I don't know, she was just one in a long line of people during those years when he was still in his prime, and nowadays they function more like close friends, almost like siblings.

She has always been incredibly jealous, whereas he tends to be more laid back and cool about things.

They usually get up around the same time, somewhere between 7:00 and 8:00 AM, have breakfast together, check their blood pressure, take their heart medications, blood pressure pills, and hers for the depression... They cook lunch, sometimes she handles it, but if she's feeling particularly unwell, then he takes over. They eat, then they rest, watching soap operas or whatever is on TV, and by 8:00 or 9:00 PM, they are heading to bed... It's quite monotonous, I know.

That is, of course, when she is doing okay. When she is having a bad period, she just retreats into her bed and won't come out for days on end... She grumbles about having to get up to eat something, claiming she has no appetite, or so she says.

I don't know, sometimes I can't help but feel that the harder we try to help, the worse she gets... The doctors and psychiatrists tell us that she is the only one who can truly help herself, simply by making the decision that she wants to be well. They claim it only takes one mental click for her to become her old self again.

But my own intuition tells me that everyone is focusing on treating the symptoms rather than the cause. These medications, these antidepressants... there have been times when they've sent her crashing from a great mood down to such a low state that she was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't even walk, all within just a few hours.

In truth, nobody seems interested in the actual root cause, the core of it... Perhaps if that were finally cleared up, this cycle wouldn't keep repeating itself every few years.

A few psychiatrists have brought up the idea of psychotherapy involving hypnosis, but no one has ever stepped forward and said clearly, "Listen, let's try hypnosis to find out what's really bothering you. This is the only way."

Has anyone here ever tried psychotherapy with hypnosis? Does it actually yield any real results?
Jamie Clark74 Jamie Clark74 Regular
278 messages
joined Sep 2004
#17 ·
@Laura Ramirez61/">@@Laura Ramirez61

At an age like your parents', it’s really heartening to see that sense of friendship and mutual respect still holds up after all these years. It’s a natural stage of life. My wife and I are in a similar boat, aged 68 and 64.

Unfortunately, from my long experience seeing a psychiatrist over the last 14 years—we've actually become close friends—I’ve learned that sometimes, you just can't help everyone. Hypnosis wouldn't do much at this stage of life either, and I'm personally not a big believer in electroconvulsive therapy; I don't see many people using it these days. I even asked about it for myself, but when it comes to spinal surgery, the answer was a firm "no under any circumstances."

The struggle with antidepressants is that there are so many options, and finding the right fit for a specific patient is tough, especially if they also deal with anxiety. It gets even more complicated if they're already managing multiple other medications.

Different pills produce different results; everyone reacts uniquely.
Sometimes doctors have to adjust based on the individual. Given someone's age, they might only need half a dose. Conversely, if a person is built like me—larger and heavier—they might actually need a double dose.
From what I can see regarding your parents, everything seems okay, but they really should try to get out
for 30 to 40 minutes every day just to move around. That’s honestly the best medicine for keeping the rest of the body functioning. Personally, I know how hard that can be since my mobility is limited following a spinal surgery... but I manage by doing ten 10-minute walks throughout the day.

Just like you were advised, please don't beat yourself up or dwell on things too much. You’ve done everything you could, and you continue to do so. It’s wonderful to see someone care for their parents the way you do.

Your mother isn't sick because she retired early at 55 or because she stopped working the vineyard. Depression often just drains a person's strength and leaves them without much drive for anything beyond the absolute essentials.
And after 16 years, things likely won't shift overnight. Your mother has her routine down—waking up and going to bed at regular times, except when issues arise. Plus, she has your father for company, and for some people, that’s enough.
I wish I could maintain a regular sleep schedule myself. For 13 years now, I’ve been hitting the sack somewhere between 2:00 AM and 6:00 AM, then sleeping for 12 hours straight. Other times, due to the pain, I won't sleep at all for two or three nights. My wife has a hard time dealing with it because our life lacks a steady rhythm, but unfortunately, this is just how it is.

Wishing you and your family all the best.
Jamie Clark74 Jamie Clark74 Regular
278 messages
joined Sep 2004
#18 ·
lucky-strike said:Maybe they should try joining a club or finding a hobby to stay busy. Boredom and feeling unfulfilled often lead straight to depression. I wonder what kind of interests they have? If they can afford it, maybe take a trip. There are plenty of ways to stay active.

It’s obvious that a lot of people don't grasp just how heavy depression actually is.
Especially major depression—when you combine that with anxiety and panic attacks, you're basically living in a nightmare. It isn't about being antisocial; most people just aren't physically capable of traveling or socializing when they're struggling. And let's be honest, many are heavily medicated just to function.

These conditions stem from intense work stress or lifestyle factors, not just simple "boredom." Boredom is usually easy to fix, which is exactly where the misunderstanding lies. That's the fundamental difference.

😎

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