Moderator Code of Conduct

I’m curious—do the mods and the rest of the admin team here actually follow some kind of code of conduct when dealing with users?

My question is pretty much sparked by how one specific female moderator handles things over at ZUD. I don't think it's necessary to drop names just yet, but if this goes anywhere, I'll be happy to point out exactly who I'm talking about.

It really comes down to her attitude—specifically the way she uses certain language during her moderator interventions in particular threads.

The whole vibe is mostly patronizing, rude, and indirectly insulting—honestly, I'd describe it as how a terrible preschool teacher talks down to toddlers.

And these aren't even comments triggered by anyone breaking rules or anything; they just seem to reflect what I'd call a general intolerance toward the users themselves.

What’s the actual purpose behind phrases like, "Alright, that's enough now"? You know, those kinds of lines used during her mod interventions?

Look, I’ve personally spent plenty of time leading debates and moderating discussions at all sorts of different conferences and roundtables—and if I had ever said something like that in any professional setting, my career as a moderator would have been dead on arrival. I would've been labeled as non-constructive or just plain disrespectful to the participants.

So, I want to know—is this some kind of moderator trend? These interventions wrapped up in this fake sense of humor that ends up being blatantly rude?

Why is it considered such a weird thing to just say, "Excuse me, please get back to the topic"? Or something simple like that?

If people are breaking the site rules or ignoring moderator warnings, there are already sanctions in place—you know, the whole "card" system.

So why do some moderators feel the need to supplement those penalties with condescension and belittling the folks posting on this specific subforum?

At the end of the day, what I really want to know is: is there an official code of conduct for moderators regarding how they treat users? And if there isn't one, I'd love to know why.

Thanks.

I’m also wondering what the hell happened to the žud overall...

We went from those massive PDF threads packed with actual life stories, real experiences, and genuine advice, straight down to this sterile, lifeless void where any topic with even a spark of heat gets shut down and forced back onto some "righteous path."

Most of us posting here are at an age where we should be able to debate things without turning into total jerks; I mean, sure, if we need to get a little heated or trade some verbal blows, fine, but at least let there be some damn life in the conversation...

And honestly, if we decide to take something as a joke once in a while, why is everyone acting like it's a crime?
Is someone actually going to get their feelings hurt by a bit of sarcasm? Or can they just laugh it off, since a little humor is usually the best medicine...🙂

If we cross the line, go ahead and hand out the warnings, but stop killing the discussion before it even has a chance to start.

nimbleowl6 said:I’m wondering if the moderators and the rest of the site administration actually follow a code of conduct when dealing with users.

My question comes from watching how one specific female moderator handles things here on ZUD. I won't drop names yet, though I'll if it becomes necessary.

It’s about her attitude—specifically the vocabulary she uses during her moderation interventions in certain threads.

The tone is mostly patronizing, rude, and indirectly insulting. Honestly, it feels like a bad preschool teacher talking down to toddlers.

And these comments aren't even about rule violations; they just seem to reflect a general intolerance toward the users.

What is the point of phrases like, "Alright, that's enough now"? That’s the kind of thing she drops during her interventions.

In my own experience moderating debates and roundtables at various conferences, I know if I ever spoke like that in any professional setting, my career would be over instantly. I'd be labeled unconstructive and disrespectful to the participants.

Is this some new moderator trend? These interventions wrapped in pseudo-humor that ultimately turn into blatant rudeness?

Why is it considered unusual to just issue a standard intervention like, "Please stay on topic"? Something simple like that.

If someone breaks the rules or ignores a warning, there are sanctions—the usual digital "cards."

So why do some moderators feel the need to pair those sanctions with patronizing insults aimed at the people posting on this subforum?

Ultimately, I want to know: Is there a formal code of conduct for moderators regarding user interaction? And if there isn't, why?

Thanks.

Because they aren't getting paid for these moderator positions. Some people use it as a way to flex power they don't have anywhere else. It's usually a lack of both common sense and basic manners. Those being described will know exactly who I mean.

You're welcome.

I’m actually pretty relieved that slynomad14 showed up—it kind of validates that I wasn't just making things up in my head. 😁

Specifically, we're talking about the whole "Should you marry a divorcee?" debate.
The way the thread was set up, it felt like it was built right on top of a stereotype. From what I’ve gathered, the whole point of this forum is to challenge and poke at those old-school cultural clichés—basically creating a space where we can rethink things in a much more constructive way.

At one point during that discussion, some users started using irony to tear down those stereotypes, and honestly, I think irony is a totally legitimate way to talk about stuff like this. It shouldn't be lumped in with trolling.

And if you ask me, being able to tell the difference between those little nuances is exactly what defines a decent moderator.

Plus, like slynomad14 mentioned, most people posting here aren't exactly rookies when it comes to long-term relationships or living together—we've got years of experience under our belts. Yet, we still deal with moderator interventions that make us feel like... well, like a bunch of bratty kids in preschool throwing food at each other just because they're being obnoxious.

Comments along the lines of "Oh, you guys are just here for fun"—especially coming from a moderator who I'm guessing is probably in her early twenties—are really unnecessary, let alone helpful.

And again, I'm with slynomad14 on the whole sanctioning thing. There’s already a system for warnings and strikes. If we "go too far," we get the red card. Simple as that. My only question is—why should we be penalized just for dealing with someone else's, frankly pretty toxic, attitude?

Bradley Nelson2 said:It’s because they aren't getting paid for moderator roles—so they just use the position as a way to flex some power they don't have anywhere else. Plus, they lack any common sense or basic manners. Those who fit the description will know exactly who I'm talking about.

You're welcome.

Look, I totally get it—I didn't need anyone to open my eyes to that. It's crystal clear to me that we're all just human, underneath it all. No matter how much someone tries to act like a total pro, we all fall victim to our own little weaknesses and biases sometimes.

But honestly? That’s exactly why rules and codes of conduct are such a damn good thing. They act as a shortcut—a way for us to keep our professionalism intact when we're being hit by those irrational, emotional impulses. It keeps our "inner" assholes from running wild.
In my opinion, a major, high-profile institution like this forum should definitely have these rules in place and actually respect them.

nimbleowl6 said:I’m actually relieved slynomad14 chimed in—it confirms I wasn't just hallucinating certain details. 😁

You didn't imagine it. The whole PDF setup is incredibly clinical and sterile.
Personally, I ended up getting flagged because I told one forum user she might want to actually read my post before she started talking nonsense. 😬 (Honestly, it was just that one single sentence).

Then they gave me the whole lecture on how ZUD is simply structured that way. And, well—whatever. It's my choice whether I decide to participate there or not.

😲

Honestly, I’d love to see a bit more transparency from the administration when it comes to how they actually run the ZuD.

If you want a gold standard for what a mod team should look like—I mean, seriously—just look at the crew over at the Psychology department. Look, I get it, not everyone is going to be on my wavelength here, but those mods have this level of emotional intelligence that’s hard to find. They actually have some heart and rarely ever go out of their way to be rude or condescending to the users.

In general, we need to inject a little more life into these threads—give them some soul, if you will. In the real world, when people debate, things tend to get a bit heated sometimes; that’s honestly where the magic happens. It shouldn't feel like a sterile, sanitized lecture from a corporate HR seminar. 😁
And besides, this tendency to treat users like toddlers in a preschool—well, that’s a trap moderators fall into all too often, and not just on this specific PDF. I doubt it's intentional, but it certainly feels patronizing.

I’m with you on that. A real, productive conversation needs a bit of laughter, maybe some light teasing, and—figuratively speaking, obviously—a little bit of slamming the table now and then.

It’s tough to have a decent debate with a true enthusiast if you’re forced to clutch an encyclopedia under one arm while trying to juggle a knife and fork just to cut into a juicy steak. 😁

Look, rules have to exist. And they need to be clearly defined. Sure, they depend on the moderator’s discretion, but honestly, I’m less concerned about that than I am about that condescending, arrogant, and just plain obnoxious tone some moderators use when they try to police a thread.

It’s not even that I think there’s any actual malice behind it. To me, it feels more like "forum oral tradition"—just a piece of local folklore.
Some of the veteran moderators set this kind of vibe, and then the newer ones just pick up the habit.
Some mods manage to wrap their rudeness in a layer of wit—more or less successfully—while others are just hopeless at it. When that happens, it ends up feeling like they’re just being insulting and patronizing for the sake of it.

But... but that’s why we have rules. Codes of conduct. Standard procedures. Rhetorical guidelines. Actual, established rules of engagement!

I just want to touch on this whole thing about how strictly moderated ŽuD is. From as far back as I can remember, ŽuD has been tightly moderated, and honestly, it’s gone through plenty of different phases—some interesting, some pretty dull—which is just how things go.
In my experience, whenever people try to loosen the reins on moderation, you end up with a massive pile of bickering, off-topic nonsense, non-constructive garbage, and mindless spam. It’s a total disaster for the forum.
So, bottom line: ŽuD is going to stay strictly moderated. That’s how it’s always been, it hasn't held us back, and frankly, this forum is too delicate to let it slide.

That said, if we all actually want to make this place more engaging, the answer is having constructive discussions, not asking for permission to start fights (looking at you, referring to that post about a long-closed ban appeal). Trust me, trying to turn a thread into a shouting match doesn't make a forum interesting; in practice, it just makes it look pathetic and ugly to read.

You guys are totally free to start whatever threads you feel fit the vibe of ŽuD and do whatever you can to make this space better. Just obviously, you have to follow the rules, which, again, aren't changing. And they aren't even as "strict" as some might claim, though hey, I guess that's just a matter of opinion.

Regarding the main complaint, I don't really have much to say other than "That's enough." It's a standard moderator response; it could be phrased as a polite request, but it doesn't have to be.
That's my two cents. I don't think this is personally about me, but honestly, it doesn't matter. We moderate this place together and we put in the work, so I truly, deeply don't get what all this fuss is about.

nimbleowl6 said:To be specific, we’re talking about the thread "Should you marry someone who's been through a rastava?".

At one point during that discussion, some users started getting all snarky and ironic

but honestly, I’m not looking to call in the mods—as I’ve said before, it feels like we're just dealing with a bunch of toddlers in a daycare throwing mashed potatoes at each other out of pure spite.

Look, I didn't moderate that specific thread by design, but since I see people filing complaints about how the whole site needs to be "loosened up" because it's too sterile, I took it upon myself to dig through the messy thread. Here’s a little taste of that lovely irony and the non-sterile atmosphere I’m constantly cleaning up, including my colleague's contribution here:

Businessman75 said:Until death do us rastava 🙄
Please, I beg you 🙄

Ugh... okay, now I totally get those guys who beat their wives. I guess they want to kill them so they can finally be free... like a bird in flight...

Businessman75 said:Look, I'm not defending anyone who's been through a rastava, that's just some messed up Masonic nonsense, total losers, destructive as hell and... (someone's gonna come after me for this)

But if someone was clueless at 25, maybe they actually learned something by 35...🤷

Businessman75 said:Man, you're really losing it right now, acting like a total clown 🙄

slynomad14 said:And then you've got those divorced hillbillies. 😍

Pocahontas1 said:You really know how to make a point.
Man, listen.
amen Quote

Businessman75 said:🙂

I don't have any content from "josip-presvetli" to rewrite yet. Please provide the posts you want me to transform! The user says:
I could’ve sworn I just saw a friend of mine venting on here a few minutes ago—you know, that one woman going through a messy divorce with two young boys in tow... $2.25 So, I’m sitting here wondering if I’ve finally lost my mind. Someone was rambling on about how people are pulling salaries where $5,000 just vanishes straight into loan payments, while their ex is sitting pretty on $11,000 and paying absolutely nothing—or something like that. Honestly, am I hallucinating? Or did I just misread a completely different thread? My brain is officially fried.

dominik01 said:🙂 You’ve got no heart! Seriously, you hit me right where it hurts!

Look, this is exactly the kind of nonsense that ŽuD doesn't need on this board. I’m not even going to sit here and argue that maybe some people find this stuff funny, or that someone else thinks it’s "fine irony," or even that a third person might claim it's just harmless fun for the community. To me? As a mod, this is straight-up spam, off-topic clutter, and let's be real—it's trolling. Either way, we've never tolerated posts like this when they derail a discussion, and we aren't about to start making exceptions now.

Those are pretty much the only posts that got nuked from that thread. There might be a couple more floating around, but they’re basically the same deal.

If you honestly think that deleting posts like this is somehow "killing the spirit" of ŽuD, then I’m genuinely speechless.

Look, if you ask me, I’d much rather deal with a boring, "sterile" PDF than have to wade through this kind of "humor." That’s just my humble opinion from the forum trenches, but as a moderator, let me be crystal clear: things aren't changing on this front. Period.

I think you might have hit "send" a little too early there! You just dropped a single letter on me. What's the word? I'm ready to dive in whenever you are. To all those divorced farm girls out there... i I honestly can't even deal with all these endless "amens" lately. It’s getting ridiculous. Is there some kind of unspoken rule now where we just spam blessings every time someone breathes? It feels less like genuine faith and more like people just hitting a button to feel good about themselves without actually thinking. I'm all for positivity, truly, but this constant loop of "amen" is starting to feel a little performative. Just saying. Look, you can easily just hang out and chat in one of the three different forums that ŽuD manages. Trying to force people to stick to one specific thread is honestly a waste of everyone's time.

boldwalker12 was actually being so nice that she managed to pull out some of the funniest posts you guys have ever written.

What’s with all this transparently weak attempt at being subtle? It’s blindingly obvious which moderator we’re talking about. Is it really that hard to just say her name?

Look, I don't see anything wrong with what I posted. nimbleowl6 and a certain group of people decided to hang out on the Divorce section—you know, that specific subforum where people usually come looking for actual advice during the worst times of their lives.

And they thought it would be hilarious to just mock people going through a divorce.

Honestly, it’s kind of pathetic that I even have to tell people way older than me that making fun of a topic like this is crossing the line... but I'll say it anyway. You all went way too far, period. All I did was point it out and delete some pretty nasty (and honestly, not even funny) posts. Next time, I'll just hand out red cards if that's how you want to play it.

And please, stop being so childish. Now everyone who hangs out in the same chatrooms as nimbleowl6 is gonna band together and act shocked that we all ended up on the same thread sharing the same opinion. I can already see exactly which forum regulars are gonna "accidentally" show up...

I’m totally open to criticism, sure, but I also take into account the track records of the users throwing it around... and their history of starting drama.

Best,

nimbleowl6 said:What is even the point of saying something like, "Alright, that’s enough now"?

Jesus! 😲😲

I have truly never encountered such vile, razor-sharp language before. Honestly, I’m at a loss for words. I'm stunned.
The moderator in question should be deeply ashamed of herself. Truly ashamed! What a disgrace. 😠

Yeah, same old story... just the usual reaction whenever anyone dares to call out the mods, which has been happening for over a year now.
It’s pretty hilarious when you look at what’s actually left on the thread, where people are being way more blatant and insulting than anything nimbleowl6’s crew ever put out, and if you look at the facts, both nimbleowl6 and I are divorced anyway... 😲
And sure, the rules on this site have always been stricter, but back then they didn't feel the need to suffocate every single discussion...
It’s just so convenient how they selectively dig up our sarcastic comments and act like it's some massive crime, as if none of us ever wrote a single coherent thought here and we're all just kids playing hooky from school instead... 🙄

From what I can see, there’s still a post right above mine that is absolutely dripping with irony.
So, what happens to that one? Is it getting wiped too? Or will they wait to send a warning saying irony isn't allowed on this platform?
They should probably just write it clearly in the ZUD rulebook: irony, sarcasm, and joking around are strictly forbidden.
I mean, it was even mentioned recently that the horoscope thread was only allowed on ZUD because the PDF itself is so incredibly dry that it needs a little bit of life to keep it interesting... 🤷

The whole thing with those previous outbursts was pretty useful...
Does it count if I openly called out how incredibly arrogant it is to tell a forum member to just go vent over on the ŽuD boards if they don't like something here, especially when that same user is already acting all high and mighty over at Piran?

slynomad14 said:From what I can tell, looking at this thread, the post right above mine is still just overflowing with irony.
Will that one get scrubbed too? Or will they finally issue a warning that sarcasm isn't exactly welcome around here?

It actually reminds me of those folks over in Pojtonovac and that old skit about the Piran brothers. You had one guy who was a literal menace, and then the other was arguably worse because he weaponized sarcasm. 😁

To be honest, I’ve always found ŽUD to be a bit of a dead end, so I usually just skim through it occasionally without bothering to weigh in.
But that little anecdote about how the moderator finds things offensive? That cracked me up.🙄

I honestly feel like people take the ŽUD section way too seriously.

In my humble opinion, ŽUD wasn't built to be this heavy-handed playground for "adult" discussions, even if we're all just messing around and being ironic.

Basically, there’s plenty of space in the off-topic threads for trolling or just blowing off steam—if you want to type that stuff out, go for it there.

Then you have the "serious" boards where moderation is actually strict. But looking at things like social stereotypes or how people view divorcees... shouldn't we be opening up discussions on psychology or sociology over there? Because let's face it, equality isn't quite where it should be yet.

As for insults? That’s for losers. I’m totally fine with some healthy banter, but even then, you gotta know when to pull back. I’ve definitely bitten my tongue more than once to make sure I didn't cross a line.

I don't post much in the ŽUD area myself, but I’m always lurking and reading... maybe it's because I feel like I'm wandering through the "middle-aged" crowd?🙂

slynomad14 said:It’s pretty convenient how you’re selectively cherry-picking our sarcastic posts, acting all shocked that we dared to be snarky—as if none of us ever wrote a single coherent sentence on this topic before, and we just decided to turn this thread into our personal playground after skipping class. 🙄

Look, those posts were deleted. I didn't pull them out of thin air; you guys actually wrote them, and then they were nuked. I'm not about to go digging up your remaining posts where you're all being dead serious, am I? I'm pulling the ones you're whining about—the ones supposedly "not allowed." The ones dripping with irony and the kind of healthy banter that people claim is being smothered. So, I decided to make it crystal clear exactly what kind of "smothering" we're talking about by copy-pasting the exact posts your moderator friend wiped out. Because that’s what you’re complaining about, right? That she killed the fun, the sarcasm, the freedom, whatever.

So, there you go. It was all your handiwork; I didn't invent those posts.

According to the ZUD rules, irony, sarcasm, and joking aren't welcome.

The mods have the discretion to judge that stuff, and honestly, give me a break—there wasn't a shred of actual humor in those posts, let alone the kind you're describing. That was just straight-up unconstructive spam.

But it was recently said that the astrology thread was allowed on ZUD specifically because the site itself is so serious and needs a little lightening up. 🤷

ZUD doesn't need "lightening up." Like the user above pointed out, ZUD isn't some version of Reddit designed for casual trolling, and you can't expect to jump from a subreddit meant for laughs over to ZUD and start demonizing the mods just because they won't let you play around.
ZUD deals with heavy topics; it's always been the most intense corner of the dating forums and the place where people come looking for genuine support. If a core group of users forms every few years, there's an unspoken code that you keep the jokes to the designated chat rooms instead of demanding the freedom to troll threads where people are actually seeking help or comfort. You should be able to argue and bicker without it being treated like a crime.

The astrology thread actually proved why ZUD needs to stay strictly moderated; as soon as that door was cracked open, everyone started spamming "what's your sign" everywhere. You give them an inch, and they take a mile. It's just not happening.

ZUD isn't going to become some breezy, low-stakes forum for banter like the posts linked here, especially while this current set of mods is running the show. Deal with it.

slynomad14 said:I mean, I guess this whole thing with the past drama counts too.
Does it count as part of that if I openly pointed out how incredibly arrogant it is to tell a user they should just go complain over on the ŽuD forums if they don't like something here—especially when that user clearly holds a massive grudge against us on the main site?

Honestly, I have no clue what you're getting at. Besides, I didn't realize we were turning this thread into a "greatest hits" collection of grievances from the Stone Age. I don't keep tabs on who has beef with whom around here.

Emily Patel70 said:boldwalker12 was actually being pretty great—she managed to pull out some of the funniest posts you guys have ever written.

Why all this transparent attempt at being subtle? It's blindingly obvious which moderator we're talking about. Is it really that hard to just say it?

Look, I don't see anything wrong with what I wrote. nimbleowl6 and her little circle decided to have a laugh over the divorce thread—you know, that specific sub-forum where people usually come looking for actual advice during the worst moments of their lives.

And they, apparently, thought it would be hilarious to poke fun at people going through a rastava.

Honestly, it’s kind of sad that I have to tell people who are way older than me that making light of a topic like that is a bad move, but I stand by it. You guys went way too far in every sense, and I was just stepping in to point that out and clear away some of the pretty nasty—and honestly, not even funny—posts. Next time, I’ll just hand out warnings if that makes you feel better.

And please, let's not get childish. Now everyone who hangs out in the same chat rooms as nimbleowl6 is going to swarm in here acting shocked that we're all on the same page and sharing the same opinion. I can already see which forum regulars are going to "accidentally" wander in.

I’m always open to criticism, but I do take into account the track record of certain users offering it, along with their history of past blowups.

Best regards,

Whoa, okay, why the tone? Are you feeling personally attacked because you don't like how I talk to the users?

I'm actually glad boldwalker12 stepped in, because she’s actually capable of handling things with a decent amount of tact.
She isn't calling anyone names, she isn't making comments like "oh, now the nimbleowl6 clique will gather," stuff like that.
What actually happened right here, right now, is that your little clique gathered.
And honestly, this post alone perfectly demonstrates your intolerance toward the users here and your total lack of basic decency.

It doesn't look like you're ready for any feedback, actually—it seems like this just pissed you off and you've got a personal issue with me, which means you aren't acting professionally.

Your "tact" isn't just noticeable on that controversial thread, either.
Check this out:

You didn't even bother changing your color when you switched over to moderator mode. People who don't realize you're a mod—the new folks on the site—are going to think it's totally normal practice to suggest someone go deal with their frustrations elsewhere.

Do I really need to spell out what would happen if I, or any other regular user, had written something like that?

I would have gotten hit with an insulting comment and a warning from you, straight up.

And yeah—personally, I'd much rather you just handed out warnings. I'm not saying I won't call you out if I think you've crossed a line, but I'd definitely prefer that over reading you "messing around" with the users on this forum.

boldwalker12 said:The unknown doesn't need to brighten up—it’s never going to change. Like the user above pointed out, you can't just come over from an adult site and expect to mess around on the unknown while trying to demonize the mods for not letting you.
The unknown deals with some pretty heavy stuff—it's always been the most intense corner of the romance subreddits, the place where people go when they actually need a shoulder to lean on. And look, if a core group of regulars forms every few years, there's kind of an unwritten rule that this crew should stick to the designated chat rooms to joke around, instead of demanding the freedom to troll threads where someone is genuinely looking for support or comfort. People should be allowed to argue or bicker a bit—that's not a sin or anything.

I'm totally with you on that. But don't you think that because the sub is so serious, the moderators should probably be more sensitive with how they comment?

My complaint is strictly about that one part. As a regular user of the unknown, I just don't get why I have to deal with the mockery and the total lack of substance from one particular moderator.

That’s honestly where my question about the moderator code of conduct comes from—and so far, nobody has given me an answer.