Dealing with depression

I honestly don't know who else to turn to... I'm at my breaking point...

I’m terrified of being out in public. Every single person I see on the street feels like a threat, like they're just waiting to hurt me. My moods are all over the place—I probably swing through 25 different emotions a day. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m crashing, doubting everything about myself, or even hating my own skin. It’s exhausting. I feel like the whole world is against me. Things are spiraling, and now even my friends are starting to drift away... I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

My parents just don't get it. They tell me it's all in my head or that "depression isn't real." They think I just need to "get a job and toughen up," but that's the thing—it's gotten so bad that I can't even function normally. During my internship, they're already starting to think I'm unstable... The second I try to focus on a task, my mind just wanders and I end up messing everything up.

And don't even get me started on dating... I've just accepted that girls are going to make fun of me or treat me like a joke because I'm so withdrawn and, frankly, because of how I look. I've lost all confidence in myself and the world around me. If this keeps up, I know I'm going to have massive issues fitting into society, let alone keeping a career.

If anyone has some actual advice, please speak up...

But if you've got nothing to say, I get it. People like me aren't exactly easy to accept...

Hey there!
I’ve been reading through your post, and I think I can relate to parts of what you're going through. I'm assuming that "17" in your username refers to your age, right? What do you do for work or school, by the way?
By the way, try browsing some threads on other forums—like those dedicated to mental health or the psychology subreddits. You’ll see plenty of people dealing with the exact same stuff you are. It's really not as out there or "weird" as it might feel right now.
If I were you, I'd consider reaching out to a professional, maybe a therapist or a counselor, just to talk through everything you're feeling.

coastalsurfer12 said:hey!
I’m reading through your post and I get where you're coming from, more or less. I’m guessing that "17" in your handle means you're seventeen, right? What do you do for a living, anyway?
By the way, try browsing some threads on other forums—like those mental health boards or the psychology subreddits here. You'll see plenty of people feeling the exact same way you do. It’s nothing weird or out of the ordinary.
I’d really suggest sitting down and talking through everything you're feeling with a pro, like a therapist or a psychiatrist.

Well, I've got about four months left until I graduate high school to become a retail clerk... My job relies heavily on customer service, but since my mental health is a total wreck, people look at me like I'm a freak. I can't even bring myself to say "hello" to a customer because everyone just seems so hostile...

That 17 is old news. I was 17 when I posted that. Now I'm officially an adult... UNFORTUNATELY...

Hey there, welcome back!
I really believe that right now, the most important things you can work on are self-belief and confidence. Building that kind of inner strength takes a lot of time and genuine self-reflection, but I promise it pays off in the long run.
Having support from the people around you—like your parents or close friends—definitely helps, but you have to realize they can't fully walk in your shoes. At the end of the day, you’re the one in the driver's seat of your own life. What you're going through feels heavy, but honestly, this is just a crisis. Everyone hits a wall like this at some point, whether it's a minor setback or something much bigger. But just like any other rough patch, it is solvable. There is always a way out of any situation. There is an answer to every problem, too. It might not be obvious right away, and it might not be the solution we *wish* we had, but it exists.

Does any of that resonate with you?

You're right—your parents just don't get it. It’s unfortunate, but they truly don't understand, and honestly, it might be beyond their comprehension.
It's good that you're trying to vent and share how you feel with someone, even if it's just here on this forum.

It seems like you've been dealing with this for quite some time. It might actually be worth seeking professional help—specifically seeing a psychiatrist (just as a comparison, any American who takes care of their mental health has one; in the US, it isn't something to be ashamed of, it's just a necessity).
From what I can see, it looks like there might be both phobias and actual depression involved. But I assume that thought has already crossed your mind, and since you haven't gone yet, we'll try to help in a different way.

First off, it's not true that everyone hates you. I can say with certainty that nobody actually hates you. I suspect you feel rejected by everyone, which creates this irrational urge to believe people hate you rather than just ignoring you. You probably feel like you don't have a single friend, and it's possible you're keeping your distance from girls even if you're interested in them. That feeling of being "ugly" has nothing to do with how you actually look—it stems entirely from self-doubt and a lack of self-acceptance.

You mentioned you'll be graduating high school in a few months. It feels to me like your anxiety is ramping up because of that.
Is it because you're "closing" one chapter of your life and facing the uncertainty of the next?
I wonder if thinking about school ending—and the fact that certain people, including friends, will drift out of your life—is making you even more afraid.
Maybe you're scared of new situations because, once upon a time, a change brought something uncomfortable or painful, and you've subconsciously held onto that pattern of behavior.

There are a few other things I'm curious about: Did you actually want to attend this school, or did you change your mind about your career path later on?
If you could choose all over again, what kind of school would you enroll in now?
What do you love doing most?
What is it that you absolutely dislike doing (I try not to use the word "hate")?
Where would you live if you had the chance?
Is there anyone left that you still trust—someone you know genuinely wants the best for you?
What kind of environment are you living in?

Try to answer these, or just send me a private message if you'd rather not post publicly.
If it means anything to you, I'm standing by you. We'll get through this.

Give the guy a medal for playing psychologist.
What kind of friends avoid you when you’re actually hitting rock bottom? They should be the ones lifting you up, not disappearing.
You aren't going to pull yourself out of this alone. Honestly, you might need to look into antidepressants. I hate being the one to say it... but it could be a lifesaver.

Where are you located? If you’re living in a major city or even just in the suburbs, finding a psychiatrist shouldn't be an issue at all. Seriously. In my view, seeing a specialist is the only logical move for what you're going through, and they are truly the only ones equipped to help. You need someone to help rebuild your self-esteem and restore your faith in people and life—that’s a job only a professional can handle. Depression is actually very manageable, especially if you catch it before it spirals out of control. They’ll likely prescribe some medication to get your hormones back in balance since that's clearly part of why you're feeling this way. Don't let shame hold you back; do this for yourself. You wouldn't believe how many people around you are feeling the exact same way, they just hide it. This isn't some incurable sentence. You will recover. If your parents don't get it, honestly, it's better not to say anything to them; they'll only end up dragging you down. You're an adult now—you have the agency to take action for your own sake. Keep your chin up, buddy, things will get better!! But please, seek help, because the solution lies entirely in your hands!!!

I think Austin Hernandez11 put together a killer post there. Let’s break it down in more detail!! It’s like she’s some kind of professional therapist or something.👍

Melissa Garcia51 said:You're spot on—the older generation just doesn't get it. It’s frustrating, but they honestly don't grasp it, and at this point, I don't think they ever will.
And hey, don't be afraid to share how you're feeling, even if it's just here on the forum.

Look, this probably isn't some new thing for you. It’s likely been weighing on you for a while now. Honestly, it might be worth reaching out to a pro—maybe go see a psychiatrist. Just as a heads-up, most Americans who actually take care of themselves have one. In the US, it’s not some big taboo; it’s just part of staying healthy.
It looks like we’re dealing with more than just nerves here—this feels like actual phobias or even full-blown depression. But I’m guessing you already clocked that, which is probably why you didn't step in. Since that route is off the table, let's figure out another way to lend a hand.

Look, first off, stop thinking everyone hates you. It’s just not true. I can say this with total certainty: nobody actually has a problem with you. I honestly think you feel rejected by the world, and that's creating this weird, irrational urge to believe people hate you rather than just ignoring you. It’s easier to process being hated than being invisible, right? You probably feel like you don't have a single friend, and you might even be pulling away from girls you actually like because of it. That feeling of being "ugly" has nothing to do with how you actually look. It’s all coming from your own insecurity and the fact that you haven't learned to accept yourself yet.

So you're saying you'll be graduating high school in just a few months? Honestly, it feels like that deadline is only making your anxiety spike.
Is it because one chapter of life is slamming shut, leaving all that uncertainty hanging over you as you face whatever comes next?
I honestly think that staring down the barrel of graduation is terrifying. It’s that heavy realization that once school wraps up, people start drifting away—even close friends. That whole idea of your circle shrinking just because you aren't in the same building anymore? It hits hard.
Maybe you’re feeling uneasy about this new setup because, way back when, a big change left you with a nasty bruise. You took a hit, and now your brain is stuck on autopilot, trying to protect you by repeating old patterns. It's like flinching when you see someone reach for a hammer because you once got hit by one. Your subconscious is just trying to play it safe.

One more thing—did you actually intend to enroll in this school from the start? Or if you did, were you worried you might end up changing your mind about your career path later on?
If you could hit the reset button right now, which school would you enroll in?
What's your favorite way to spend your time?
What tasks are on your "absolutely not" list? (And just to be clear, I’m not using the word "hate.")
If you could pick anywhere to call home, where would you land?
Anyone else still got someone you actually trust? Someone you know truly has your back?
What kind of environment are you living in?

Either give me an answer here or just shoot me a DM if you'd rather not talk about it in front of everyone.
If it means anything to you, I’m right there with you. We've got a long road ahead, but we'll get through it.

I think you hit the nail right on the head with this one. Everything you said is spot on. Every single bit of it!

Alright, let's get this show on the road.
I’m feeling pretty sidelined lately, and honestly, it’s all because of school. Back in elementary school, I had a huge circle of friends. They were my whole world, and I was theirs. We were a tight-knit crew. But ever since I started high school, everything has just shifted...

Maybe this self-loathing stems from the fact that my dad never actually acted like a father to me. We never had a real, heart-to-heart conversation—not once. I don’t necessarily need that kind of closure now, but back when I actually needed him, he just wasn't there. It wasn't like he was physically abusive or anything, but he constantly leaned on that old cliché: "As long as you're under my roof, you play by my rules." And I mean that LITERALLY. If he gave an order, I followed it. Every single time. But no matter what I did, I could never be good enough for him. In his eyes, I’m always a failure, a junkie, an idiot, or a complete waste of space. I’ve never talked back to him, I've never insulted him, and honestly, I don't even touch drugs or alcohol. Yet, because of him, I’m stuck wondering if I really am just the screw-up he says I am.

When I was signing up for high school, I had to pick the vocational track, otherwise my old man told me I wasn't coming back home. For me, there’s no such thing as a job I hate versus a job I love. With the way he raised me, it doesn't matter if I'm out cleaning the yard, chopping wood, or taking down a 250-pound hog—I just get it done.

I think high school was my big turning point... When I first started, I didn't really talk to anyone much. Even when I did try to speak up, people treated me like I shouldn't bother—you know the type, those kids from the suburbs who act like they’re better than everyone just because they live in a nice zip code. In reality, they're total posers, bigger than I'll ever be, but honestly? I don't even care anymore. Now, I mostly stay quiet unless someone asks me a direct question. People label me as a nerd or a loser, but whatever, I can grind through these last four months. To make matters worse, there was this one person who made my life a living hell—not physically, but mentally. And we all know words cut way deeper than a punch. Because of that, I stopped showing any emotion in class. While everyone else is laughing, I just give a tiny smirk or nothing at all. It's gotten to the point where I'm even silent around my friends...

My lack of self-confidence? That’s on my old man. Every single time he saw me mess something up, he’d just blow up at me instead of actually teaching me how to fix it. Now, whenever I have to tackle a task, I look like a complete wreck. I start sweating, I get super anxious, and I'm terrified of failing because I can still hear him yelling and calling me names like "junkie" or "good-for-nothing."

One time, after I finally snapped, I told him exactly what I thought to his face. Instead of listening, he tore into me like I was some kind of animal. There wasn't any physical stuff, but the verbal abuse was so intense I couldn't take it. I won't even repeat what he said... ("What does a seventeen-year-old kid know about lecturing me?"). Long story short, I had to accept that my opinion doesn't count.

Lately, he’s already starting on me about how once I get a job, I’ll need to take out a loan so we can buy a car... Well, if I’m taking out a loan, it won't be for a car. It'll be for a house, just so I never have to listen to him again...

Look, you didn't answer all my questions, though you did touch on quite a few.
It’s tough communicating like this without being face-to-face—which is why seeing a therapist is a solid move. They can prompt you or ask the right things to stay on track. Right now, I’m basically having to play a guessing game. We'll just have to navigate it as we go.

From what I can tell, you’re highly intelligent and possess strong character. Regardless of everything else, you were a dutiful kid. I don't think you're "crazy"—I just think you're dealing with a lot of objective issues that you're subconsciously trying to resolve.

You mentioned your struggles started when you entered high school—the one your father picked out for you. I asked what *you* actually wanted to study, what you enjoy doing, and what you absolutely hate. Unfortunately, you dodged that; you just said you can do anything if necessary. But "being able to do anything" isn't the same as having a passion.
So, try to answer those questions I asked. Can you see how hard it is just to say them out loud, let alone act on them? Taking that step is progress.
If it feels too difficult or your mind goes blank, just grab a pen and paper and list every job or career that comes to mind. Don't worry about whether they require a college degree or not. I'll give you a follow-up task regarding that later.

People call you a nerd, and you have a sophisticated way of writing—on this forum, for instance... back in the day, someone looking at your style would have pegged you as a poet rather than some small-town laborer. In my eyes, you have the potential to hit your goals; you just need to define them first.

I'm not sure if you have siblings, but if you do, how was your father's relationship with them? Was he only like this with you, or did he treat your brother... or everyone similarly?
He might not have been physically abusive, but there was still abuse there. Sadly, that can be worse because it doesn't leave visible bruises, but it leaves scars on the soul. I'm not going to badmouth your father, though; he isn't relevant anymore. And honestly, he was a victim of his own circumstances—he acted that way because that's all he ever learned. Maybe someone treated him the same way. You've already become aware of so much, so don't live in fear that you'll eventually turn into him.
The unfortunate reality is that your self-confidence took a massive hit. No matter how hard you try, it feels like you're never good enough for him.
But listen, driftingfox11, he isn't the sole judge of your life, nor is he the only person you need to please. There are other people in the world beyond just your small town.
Family carries a lot of weight when it comes to values, and then those judgments start bleeding into how the rest of society perceives you.
First off, maybe your friends haven't abandoned you—maybe that's just your perception. We have to admit that sometimes your view of reality is a bit skewed. For example—even though we haven't met—I find you quite likable. It’s not pity; it’s more like admiration for certain things. To be blunt: you're the type to clean up the yard, chop wood, help out with the community BBQ... whatever needs doing. And I'm sure there's plenty more you do that your father wouldn't know how to handle.

The fallout from being forced into that specific high school was a result of suppressed rage mixed with total helplessness—the feeling of being unable to resist your father's decision. Realistically, you couldn't fight him, so you ended up in a school you hated, which led to you hating yourself because you didn't want to hate your father.
Everything that followed is a textbook case, so I won't overanalyze it. Of course, even in school, there was likely someone else who targeted you psychologically. Bullies will always exist in life, though eventually, they become so insignificant you won't even notice them. You might try to hide your emotions, but you shouldn't feel ashamed of them. It isn't healthy to keep distancing yourself from friends and just retreating into silence.
Just as a side note, contrary to certain stereotypes, research has shown that reserved men are actually very attractive to women.
That paralyzing fear of failure—the dread that you'll mess something up—is essentially a blueprint for failure. You eventually manifest exactly what you visualize.
And hey, you mentioned wanting your own apartment at the end there; that is a fantastic goal.

Talk soon. Or rather, write soon.

The persona you’ve developed seems to be a textbook reaction to a lack of parental affection during those formative years... things like low self-esteem, social withdrawal, and antisocial tendencies are all quite common. In many cases, this is also where Borderline Personality Disorder begins to take root.
Ultimately, you're on your own here, and I suspect you can't just fix this by yourself. As you mentioned, when life throws certain situations your way, his insults probably just loop endlessly in your mind. If you don't find a way to push back or set boundaries, I fear it might leave a permanent mark on you, potentially making it difficult to function normally in the long run.
I found myself in a very similar situation when I was sixteen, and I eventually realized that when you're that young, you simply aren't equipped to heal on your own.
It feels like you have more than enough material here to warrant seeing a professional; I truly believe specialized psychological help is necessary for you at this stage.
Best of luck!

driftingfox11, go see a GP and have them write you a referral for a psychiatrist... honestly, it might actually help... a friend of mine went for hypochondria—it runs in her family—and everyone’s doing just fine with treatment...

Also, maybe try some yoga or meditation? It helps you chill out... there's even that life skills course for young people... I didn't go, but my friends did. Apparently, it's a blast, lots of games and hanging out, plus the yoga stuff really settles the mind, sharpens your focus, and clears your head... once you learn it, it stays with you forever.🙂

You are such an incredibly smart guy!!!!
Honestly, I think having some deep, meaningful conversations would do you a world of good. It makes me feel a little sad that you didn't choose a different path—you know, something more substantial? Don't get me wrong, I’m not trying to bash retail workers or anything, but I really feel like you were capable of so much more than this,
and I just want to see you become independent as soon as possible. Once you get your confidence back—and you definitely can, because you're brilliant😁—living under your dad's roof is going to cause nothing but massive friction between you two..