Eating Disorder Support & Recovery

Man, this professor lets you get away with anything... if I told the Dean what was actually happening, I might end up stuck in shame forever, especially since I still have two more exams left with him..
I'm not even from Washington, D.C., so...
Three years ago, I saw a Psychiatrist quite a bit (twice a week for about 7 months), and the diagnosis was an adolescent crisis...
Now here I am at 24... wow... didn't I already get past that???
I felt way worse back when I was 16, 17, 18, or 19 than I do now at 24, and honestly, I feel like I was more mature back then than I am today....
It’s like I’m living under a glass bell jar.. all alone... with nobody there for me...
My BMI is 23.14, which is totally normal.. I'm not fat.. I'm not joking, I just have a little soft tummy and that's it... (do I really need to mention my whole body is soft?)...
I don't think I'll ever tell my doctor... she's my primary care physician, so...
We'll see... I need to think about it...
But thanks anyway...

I’ve actually been dealing with kidney issues since long before all of this started...
The only thing keeping me sane is that my blood work looks fine and my urine tests are totally normal...
As for eating, I just eat to get it over with...
Most of the time, I’m not even hungry. Honestly, I think the issue is just that I genuinely love food. I eat whatever tastes good to me—which, let’s be real, is usually junk—and I have zero self-control. Once I start, I can't just stop when I'm full; I just keep overeating.
Another thing is how people see me versus how I see myself. It’s not just about my body; it’s about who I am. To everyone else, I’ve always been the "perfect" one. I was the star pupil in elementary school, a straight-A college student, and I always had everything I wanted materially (even if none of it actually made me happy). I always had the nice boyfriends, too. My life seemed perfect... until the weight started coming on. That’s when the nightmare began. I’m certain it didn't bother me back then, because if it had, I would’ve done something about it. But once things shifted, everything went sideways. I remember reading about bulimia back then and wondering to myself: how can anyone stand throwing up what they just ate? How can they not feel bad about wasting money just to vomit it back up? How can they not be able to stop? I thought I could always quit because I always knew where to draw the line. But one day...
...that line just vanished. Everything became limitless.
And it’s a sickening realization that the people who look better are the ones who actually succeed...
Trust me on this...
When I was heavier, nobody even noticed me. Now, when I walk down the street, people approach me constantly offering jobs, from tour guides to all sorts of things. Finding work is never an issue now.
Back then, I could only dream of guys noticing me. Now, when they come up to me asking, "Where have you been hiding all these years?" it honestly makes me feel sick.
To hell with them. I was always right here. They just chose not to see me.
And now, I’m terrified that if I gain weight again, I’ll become invisible all over again.
I just wish I could flip that switch in my brain—to eat enough to be full, rather than just gorging myself.
But that switch isn't working. In fact, I’m so scared that it won't ever work that I don't even try. I just eat and...
It’s easier to just go with the flow, but I have to wonder: how much longer can I keep this up?

Anthony Wood54 said:About three years ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist—and it was for quite a stretch...

Third attempt 🙄

Go see a psychologist!

👋

boldeagle3, why does it bother you if it isn't HER specific experience? It belongs to someone, for sure, and it’ll definitely help someone else out by reading these painful—and believe me—true sentences.

😢these stories about endless vicious cycles... they're just too damn sad for me...

Can anyone honestly claim they've NEVER been stuck in a loop like this? Like, can you truly say you haven't felt completely alone in the world, while life just rages on all around you? Normal people, totally swallowed up by their daily grind, completely blind to the screams of someone desperate and their silent pleas for help??!!

Just read between the lines..

northernfalcon30 said:boldeagle3, why does it bother you if it isn't HER experience? It's clearly someone else's—and it will surely serve as something useful for someone else to read these painful and—believe it or not—truthful sentences.

It’s not that anything bothers me... she just writes, and writes, and writes... while completely failing to actually read what anyone else has to say.
My post is the shortest and most straightforward one here: Little Red Riding Hood, go see a psychologist.

Over and out 👋

Totally, I'm with you—professional help is definitely needed here.

Maybe she just won't listen because she isn't used to anyone actually listening to her...

Plus, all she gets around here is constant attacks and people trying to shut her up.

And honestly? That's the one thing she *is* used to.

😢

I’m totally siding with boldeagle3 on this one...

I actually know a girl who struggled with Eating Disorders... she was just trying to drop like 10 or 15 pounds, but she ended up looking like a literal skeleton. Every single time someone tried to point out how bad it looked, she’d just break down in hysterics...
It led to this long, super expensive recovery process, and just when it seemed like things were finally turning around, the girl DIED (she was barely even 20)... turns out she had secretly slipped right back into those old habits...

Don't play games with your life—get professional help before it's too late.
You have to realize when you're seriously ill.
If you had cancer, you wouldn't be looking for advice on a Forum or trying to fix yourself; you'd go straight to a doctor—and this needs that exact same mindset...

I honestly don't even have the energy to talk about this—it was my entire reality for years, and even now, I'm still fighting it, even though my diet has finally leveled out and I'm not constantly going to extremes anymore.
I wasted so many years just fighting this on my own, and let me tell you, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Seriously, go get some help, make things easier on yourself, and find a therapist.
🙂

Anthony Wood54
Why are you so desperate for people to accept a version of you that isn't even real (not that you haven't admitted it yourself)? Maybe it would be easier to just let people accept who you actually are, regardless of the weight. You should probably try liking yourself more, because being this unhappy isn't working, even if you think you're fine with your weight. You mentioned you were happier before—and honestly, losing weight is usually easier than dealing with Eating Disorders—so maybe listen to everyone else for once and go find some professional help.
There's no reason to be ashamed. Health comes first, and you've still got plenty of time on your side.
👋

I read all the posts, I just forget to reply to some sometimes..
I honestly don't know how long this sickness is going to last.
I have no clue who to turn to for help because I really don't trust my own doctor with this, and I definitely don't want word getting out...
I don't want anyone knowing,
and look, I'm fully aware that I'm sick... but I also know I live in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone's business, and I'm terrified people will start pointing fingers way too fast.
Right now I'm at 125 lbs and I don't want to lose any more weight... but I just can't stop myself..
I don't even know what hurts more.. keeping food inside or throwing it back up...???
From what I know, there are only three psychiatrists around here. One is always drunk, one is on medical leave, and the other is some old guy who just pumps you full of pills...
If nothing works, I'll head to NYC. But I need to tell someone first since you guys are the only ones who actually get it...
I didn't eat today... my aunt gave me some chocolate, and when he handed it over, he joked that he probably made me mad.. I just laughed it off..
So now there's just chocolate sitting by the TV, it's staring at me and I'm staring at it...
But I won't eat it... hopefully.
😉
Hey everyone...
I'm feeling a bit better, thanks for everything!!!

Nancy Price46 said:I don't have the energy to talk about it because it was my reality for years, and even now I'm still struggling, even though my diet has balanced out and I don't go to extremes anymore.
I lost so many years fighting this on my own, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. Just get help, make things easier on yourself, and see a psychotherapist.
🙂

you gotta be kidding me?!😲 😲 😲

If what you're writing here is even 80% accurate, then you have some massive issues on your hands. And just so we're clear, nobody on this platform is going to fix them for you. On the bright side, at least you decided to open up to someone, even if it's just strangers like us. Maybe this is actually your first step—realizing there are people out there who get it.

Definitely a psychologist.

Prioritize your health for once. Stop thinking in terms of "I need to be thin" or "how do I look." Start thinking about the fact that you're throwing away your future. It’s incredibly unlikely you'll ever have children if you keep this up, and honestly, it's your entire life at stake. If you stay on this path, believe me, you won't be the grandmother playing with her grandkids. Is that really your life goal? To spend your final days hunched over a toilet and potentially not even make it to forty because of this?

On the other hand, look around you. Life is actually decent. Forget about the kid for a second. Not everything has to be perfectly aligned. There's value in just enjoying yourself. Not everyone is obsessed with those Hollywood airheads.
Find yourself a guy who actually likes nature, sports, and being outdoors. Someone you can hop on a bike with and ride through the woods, go hiking, go swimming, and then have great sex with. There are so many ways to live a fulfilling life. And frankly, I'm telling you, you'd probably look much better if you spent your energy on those things instead of what you're doing now.

Here is the link to the association's website; they specialize in providing support to individuals struggling with Eating Disorders and their families. You can reach out to them directly if needed. I haven't exactly spent much time browsing through all their pages yet—though I fully intend to—so I can't offer any specific commentary just yet, but I truly hope you find some helpful resources within their materials.

I mean, it feels like Little Red Riding Hood is actually kind of proud of it, right?

Anthony Wood54, tell me—have you ever tried pivoting that obsession with food and purging toward something else? Like, I don't know, hitting the gym or going for a run... something actually productive. Maybe just visualize what your body truly needs to function. You claim your weight is fine now, yet you keep complaining about feeling "soft"... why not test your strength instead?

Anthony Wood54 said:I read all the posts, I just forget to reply to some sometimes...
I don't know how long I'm going to be sick!
I have no idea who to turn to for help because I don't trust myself talking to my doctor, and I really don't want this getting out...
I don't want anyone knowing,
I know I'm sick... but I also know I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, and I'm terrified people will start pointing fingers before I can even blink...
Right now I'm at 125 lbs and I don't want to lose any more weight... but I just can't stop..
I don't even know which hurts more... keeping food inside me or forcing it back out...???
From what I know, there are only three psychiatrists around here—one is always drunk, one is on medical leave, and the other is some old guy who just pushes pills all day...

😉
Hey everyone...
I'm feeling a bit better, thanks for everything!!!

I think this was meant for me....
It’s actually a good sign that you’re starting to get fed up with this situation and realizing things can't stay this way forever...
Look, honey, if you don't go find some help to regain your "self-control," you're going to spiral straight into anorexia, and then we're looking at a whole different beast (which isn't really what we're discussing here right now).
And honestly, what does the scale have to do with purging? People dealing with Bulimia are mostly at a normal weight or even slightly above, so the number on the scale isn't your main issue here.
What should actually be eating at you is the emotional void you're trying to fill every single day! (Once you get professional help, you'll realize exactly what I mean) And please, don't go looking for flaws in doctors—they're going to be your biggest advocates, not your enemies.
You haven't eaten today (or at least not by the time you wrote this?), and I doubt you'll stay that way, but I'm certain of one thing—you didn't skip the chocolate, nor can you fully purge everything—you already know deep down which foods come up easily and which ones absolutely won't.
And do you really think nobody notices? You don't have broken capillaries around your eyes, red eyes from the strain, or those little cuts on your fingers? You aren't staying up late while everyone else sleeps? Besides, doesn't the smell ever linger in the bathroom or on your hands if you purge something dairy-based?

Listen, I only wrote this because of your DM, but if there's ANYTHING else you need to know (before you seriously decide to end this cycle), just reach out! 👋

Timothy Campbell2 said:honestly, it feels like Little Red Riding Hood is actually kind of proud of it???

Bulimia is basically an escape hatch from everything else—because when you're hyper-fixated on that, you don't have to deal with the stuff that's actually tearing you apart.
A person struggling with Bulimia pretty much lives and breathes food, purging, working out, calories, the scale, you name it... Once you hit a certain weight, you feel this weird sense of pride about being thin (EDIT: I gotta add, weight fluctuates like crazy, and let's be real, as someone with Bulimia, you rarely stay at that "perfect" thinness for long), but then almost immediately, the reflection in the mirror starts shifting again. You start feeling fat all over again. It’s because, in some twisted way, Bulimia becomes your entire lifestyle—it becomes a necessity—so you just trigger the whole cycle all over again. But here's the thing: this obsession with looks and being skinny is super abstract in a bulimic's head—you don't even feel connected to your own body. You don't feel like it's even yours.

Little Red Riding Hood,
I simply couldn't read this without chiming in. While I'm certainly not in a position to offer professional advice, I know firsthand that even a single word of support can carry immense weight. Speaking from my own experience—and I believe I’ve touched on this before on the Forum, though perhaps not specifically under the Health section, but that's beside the point—I haven't quite hit the depths you're navigating right now, but I was definitely on that path. My bulimic behavior lasted about a year, yet one learns quickly that bulimia doesn't just vanish once you stop purging. Even today, there are moments where I find myself struggling, still learning how to actually love myself. It is a long, grueling process, truly, but the sooner you begin, the sooner you'll see light at the end of the tunnel. Now that you’ve finally achieved the awareness of what you’re doing—which is a massive step in itself—please, don't let this consume you. Don't let it kill you, literally.

For me, the turning point was having a support system. I never actually told my parents—I was living far away from them at the time—but I did find a few people I could trust: my brother, a college roommate, a close friend. They probably didn't fully grasp what was happening, but they stood by me, and whenever a crisis hit, I had somewhere to turn. They couldn't "fix" me, obviously, but their unconditional acceptance was everything. That was my lifeline.

I realize it feels impossible right now, but please try to find someone you can talk to—someone who won't judge you, even if they can't quite wrap their head around it. I used to think those kinds of people were a myth, too, but once you make the decision to open up, you might just be surprised. In a positive way, I mean. At least, I was lucky enough to have that experience.

And please, seek out professional medical help. If you don't feel a connection with your primary care physician, go find someone else. Someone already posted a link to an association here; maybe give them a call. I'm certain there are hotlines or similar resources out there—just try. I know how terrifyingly difficult it is to pick up the phone and dial, but isn't the alternative—this constant suffering—even harder?

Keep posting here if it helps you. There will always be someone here willing to listen with empathy.

-------------

Gala,
I know your intentions are good, but please keep in mind that someone struggling with bulimia often lacks the ability to set healthy boundaries. Compulsive exercising is just another facet of bulimic behavior. You aren't actually making progress if you're merely swapping one compulsion for another. One has to address the root cause rather than just trying to manage the symptoms.
Says the woman who used to spend three hours a day at the gym.

I figured it was time I weighed in on this thread too.
First off, I’m not entirely sure why everyone is claiming she’s lying about it.
Personally, I never went quite that far—not even close—but I was always hovering right on the edge. Even at ten years old, I was obsessed with my weight because I was a bit of a chubby kid until I hit twelve, and then things finally leveled out.
I’ve always been part of that group of kids who were somewhat "successful" at dieting; whenever I lacked the willpower to stick to a diet until the end, I would intentionally purge. I remember the first time I did that when I was fourteen, and honestly, I still remember feeling this weird sense of relief and happiness that I actually pulled it off. A few of my friends used to do the exact same thing—it was usually a small group of two or three of us who were constantly on some sort of regimen. None of us ever progressed to full-blown Bulimia later on, though we all danced very close to the line.
Nowadays, I look perfectly normal (about 5'4" and 136 lbs during my period, dropping to around 123 lbs, fluctuating by maybe 13 lbs over the course of a year), even though my brain keeps telling me I’m fat. I know logically that I look fine, even if there's a nagging part of me that wants to be 10 or 15 pounds lighter. I’m perpetually on a diet; I can’t even start my day without stepping on the scale. I frequently fall into the trap of thinking all my problems stem from my weight—that if I just lost a few more pounds, people would love me more, I’d land a better job, or I’d be more successful in general. Now that I’m 30, my rational mind knows that isn't true, but when I’m feeling down or lonely, I revert to thinking the weight is the culprit. Then I’ll overeat and decide I need to go throw up so I don't gain weight, but once I get to the bathroom, I talk myself out of it. I tell myself, "Don't do this, it's stupid. You know what Bulimia is. It's ridiculous to be dealing with this at 30 when you have a normal family and a decent life." I usually give up, but the issue is how easily the thought enters my mind in the first place.
I manage to handle it, but it feels like it's always lingering in the background.
That’s why I empathize with people suffering from Bulimia. I really don't know how to help them; they have to find their own way through it, whether they do it alone or with professional support.
I tend to lean toward things like bioenergy or homeopathy, and I think those practices help me keep that impulse at bay.
Ultimately, the core issue is mental—it's a lack of self-confidence. At least in my case, when my confidence dips, the thoughts return. When I’m feeling secure in myself, I don't even think about it. I also find that as I get older, my self-esteem improves, and since I'm generally satisfied with most areas of my life, the urge to obsess less frequently.

If you guys only knew how much you've helped me...
I never really need someone to talk to me. I just get things. I’m not one of those people who needs to be told what to do and then goes off and does their own thing anyway... I actually hate it when people do that to me, so I don't do it to anyone else...
Naturally, I didn't eat a single thing all day yesterday, until my boyfriend showed up with some dried cheese... that good, homemade kind... and he grabbed some sausage (you know, that delicious homemade stuff that’s basically a billion calories) and came into my room... he brought half a loaf of bread. I was just watching TV while he sliced the cheese and the sausage, and I stood up and sliced some bread—just one slice... I split it in half, and that was it...
He ate half, I ate half... I opened a chocolate bar and had just two squares. Then I curled up in his arms and thought about all of you... all your words. I was thinking about how to tell him... but I didn't. We actually got into an argument because he made a comment about some woman in a bikini being fat... I just decided to shut up because I don't judge people based on whether they're thin or fat... so I just lay there... I can't even remember how many times I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, but I didn't, I didn't, and I didn't... I wanted to keep it all inside... and then the pain started. It hurt me, but it stayed inside...
I haven't managed to eat today yet because I just got back from my internship, I'm exhausted and I'm not hungry....
I think my issues stem from my childhood... everything always goes back to the roots...
That need for acceptance... I wasn't accepted in Elementary School because I was always sick and rarely in class... high school was fine, college was fine... but honestly... people just try to make up for it somehow...
I used to go swimming; I could swim for two hours straight without stopping... then I started struggling, everything would ache but I wouldn't stop. Then the chlorine started bothering me so I quit. Then I tried the gym and caught the flu. When I went back, the dust killed me since I have allergies, and honestly, I never really sweat...
I bought a bike, so now all the old folks just nag me about why it's sitting in the yard and I'm not riding it... (and you know how old people are)...
My boyfriend?? I think he plays too big a role in this whole thing. He's 6'2" and only 150 pounds... he's terribly thin and says eating is stupid... when we lived together, I never knew what to cook because nothing ever tasted good to him... so naturally, he'd just grab junk food and the weight just piles on...
I should be moving in with him by the end of the month, so I'll have to change my eating habits and his too... I might be able to stick to cooked vegetables since I like them, but he won't!!! That means cooking two different meals... maybe if I tell him, he'll change too. Maybe he'll stop being so difficult and realize I need to eat healthy if I want to be healthy (it's a struggle with him)
Do you really think nobody notices? You don't have burst capillaries around your eyes, red eyes from straining, wounds on your fingers, or staying up late while everyone else sleeps. Besides, doesn't anyone ever smell it in the bathroom or on your hands if you vomit something milky?
10000% they don't notice. My eyes look normal, and nobody really stares because I wear glasses which distracts them, especially since the frames are pink... so... if someone does look, they just see the frames... I don't have wounds on my fingers, and as for the smell... well, if you clean your bathroom every single day, you won't notice, plus I use Glade...
I sent emails to Libelle but they aren't receiving them... I'll call them one day when I'm home alone. I've read all those pages... it's a great organization...
Thanks to all those people...
THANK YOU PEOPLE BECAUSE... IT HELPS!!!
I'm not saying I'm cured, but I'm far from where I was... but just the thought that I can eat without overdoing it, and by doing that, not vomiting much anymore, means everything...
Thanks, and let's keep chatting..
You guys aren't getting rid of me that easily