steelhawk132 said:Everything I’ve shared comes straight from my own life. Honestly, I was dealing with these exact same sensations for years BEFORE my very first panic attack hit. Back then, I had absolutely no clue what was happening to me. It kept coming back even after the attacks started—but once I finally understood what I was actually facing, things gradually began to space out. Don't laugh, but I remember being so desperate that I stumbled upon some advice saying meditation and yoga could help. (Keep in mind, we didn't have the internet at my fingertips back then).
I still remember how my whole family would tease me whenever I tried to sit in that "lotus" position; but for me, it actually worked.
In my opinion, this is a clear precursor to anxiety. If it were a neurological disorder, there would be a whole different set of symptoms involved.
The real struggle, though, is actually finding a decent psychiatrist. I finally sought help after one particular attack—which was absolutely TERRIBLE—because I was gripped by this intense fear that I was losing my mind. I saw this psychologist who told me, quite literally, "Oh, those are just war traumas; you're such a wonderful, intelligent young woman, it's nothing to worry about." She clearly had no idea what she was talking about.
See, I’ve always been fascinated by how our own consciousness can just slip out of our control; it was such a cool concept to me until I actually started experiencing it myself. It especially intrigued me because my brother deals with schizophrenia, and I used to wonder what it must be like inside his head when he has an episode and his thoughts start racing and tangling together. Since I’m pretty big into science, I found the whole thing incredibly interesting. I even tried running some "tests" on myself—it sounds kind of cliché, but I practiced thinking in parallel, almost like operating on three levels at once. I was actually pretty good at it and could even use it while hanging out with friends, but then suddenly, that boundary between those parallel thought streams just vanished, and everything collapsed into one giant mess. It started getting really depressing because I used to have such a sharp, analytical mind; I live for logic and my brain usually works like a dream, but now I’m struggling to handle even the simplest tasks. Over time, when I realized I couldn't fix it, I started pushing it down into my subconscious. Now, for the last year, I’ve been living in this state of "dosed consciousness" (yes, I'm making up terms here, folks 😁). In conversations, I function at a very basic level; I don't have much of a mental range, everything feels sort of cramped. Then, when I finally calm down and lie in bed at night, those thoughts from my subconscious start bubbling up, and since they aren't "active," it leaves me with this heavy, dull sensation in my head... Anyway, I hope that gives you a decent idea of what I'm going through. I think I explained it pretty well there—I don't remember ever describing it so vividly! 🙂
As for the exercises, like yoga—it's the real deal, it definitely helps me! But honestly, my biggest struggle right now is that I’m a bit of a shut-in. I’ve been trying to be more social lately (mostly because of college, since I have a mountain of exams and my tuition waiver expires this year 😢), so when I am out socializing and having fun, and then I come home to work out, I get such a rush of energy that by the time I hit the pillow, I don't even have time to feel that dull heaviness before I pass out cold...
Can you tell me more about your panic attack? Was there a specific trigger, like a certain "spark," or does it just hit you out of nowhere? And do you manage to push through it on your own, or do you rely on medication? Also, how much do you think luck plays into all this? You know, that raw, fundamental luck? Because you can practice and work on yourself as much as you want, but if life keeps throwing curveballs at you—and I'm mostly talking about family, relationships, and work stuff—it isn't easy.
I’ve gone off the deep end and started rambling again 😛