Ex-partners (drugs, cheating, bad influences)

Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but it’s kind of about self-destructive behavior. I was seeing my boyfriend until almost four months ago—we had a really lovely four years together. Things got pretty tense right before we split, mostly because we were both under so much pressure. My job was absolutely draining me, and then my parents got sick with COVID, which just added to the stress. I won't go too deep into the details, but my ex started using drugs. He wasn't even the type to ruin his life like that before things got heavy, but he's such a naive guy—he either couldn't see how bad things were getting or just refused to acknowledge it. I knew his current job at Goldman Sachs was sucking the joy out of him, but he’d get so defensive if I mentioned it; I guess he’d rather take the big paycheck for some temporary happiness than actually change anything. He was usually such an optimistic, sweet, and humble guy, but he started changing. Especially after he started hanging out with people I never liked from the start—though I kept it to myself because he gets so worked up whenever I question his crowd (not everyone, obviously). It didn't sit right with me when he decided to flirt with this one girl, and then claimed he was just being friendly with another "friend." It felt weird, and I honestly never acted jealous or interrogated him. But he just insisted he didn't see what the big deal was, blah, blah... I told him I trusted him, just not her, since she’s always been trouble. Then, out of nowhere, he decided to end things. I know he wasn't cheating on me, and I wasn't nagging him about it. He was just being dishonest and, frankly, gross. He blamed all our problems on me, refusing to admit he messed up his part too—he’s always avoided having real conversations to fix things. We tried doing a break/separation thing, whatever. A few weeks ago, he finally admitted he'd been smoking weed and snorting stuff at a party with that girl, her boyfriend, and some other guy he looks up to. I was so shocked I didn't even yell at him that much. He said he hated it and doesn't want to be "that guy" with drugs. Before all this, he always used to say he'd rather have a glass of cognac than touch drugs. He had friends who fell into that trap, and he didn't want to be a victim of that too. It’s been almost four months since we last spoke. We would text occasionally, but today I just had this gut feeling to reach out. I asked how he was, and he just coldly texted back that he's out drinking and doing drugs and hasn't made it home yet. I literally froze in the middle of the street and thought, "I need to cut him out of my life for good." I feel bad for him, but he brought this on himself. I’d love to help, but I know I have to protect myself—if he actually cared about me, he would have left those losers behind, reconciled with me, and worked on himself, you know, learning some self-respect. I don't know what to do. He’s become incredibly self-destructive, and when I pointed that out a few months ago, he just snapped at me. I think the abortion hit him really hard, even though he was the one pushing for it so we wouldn't "lose our youth" or move in together too fast. Now it feels like it's catching up to him because he suppressed all that sadness. He also pushed down all his frustration from work, and now with this new crew (that girl is actually his coworker now) giving him powders to relax... well. I told him that isn't a good crowd for him, but I seriously doubt he'll get it. To him, it's all just fine. What do you guys think about all this?

Look, you finally got that blemish cleared up, so now you can just get back to living your best life and feeling young again. It’s really not on you, though. He's the one who messed everything up.

I mean, seriously... what's actually going on with you in all of this? Like, have you even learned how to respect yourself yet? And what was honestly going through your head when that miscarriage happened?

Arthur Cook said:Look, you finally got that blemish cleared up, so now you can just get back to living your best life and feeling young again. It’s really not on you, though. He's the one who messed everything up.

She mentioned it so casually in passing that I honestly can't tell if we're even talking about a miscarriage here. If you're looking strictly at the test results, you can't definitively swear that's what happened.🤔 Though, let's be honest, there really isn't any other explanation for it.

darksurfer4 said:She mentioned it so casually in passing that I honestly can't tell if we're even talking about a miscarriage here. If you're looking strictly at the test results, you can't definitively swear that's what happened.🤔 Though, let's be honest, there really isn't any other explanation for it.

No, it wasn't her—it was the author of that other thread from the second PDF. 😵😁

Alright, let's get serious for a moment.
goddesoflove, you've already answered every single question you've asked. Why on earth do you care what the people on this forum think if you're already telling us you have to protect yourself? Taking that step is the healthiest thing you can possibly do to distance yourself from such a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

But you keep bringing up how much he regrets the miscarriage. What about yours? Have you actually processed your own loss? It was taken from *your* body, not his. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to diminish anyone's pain here, but you are the one who endured both the physical and psychological "severing." How are you holding up?

All I see is one endless loop of nonsense, over and over again.
You weren't involved with that "nuisance," you were with your wonderful boyfriend. If he didn't want to hang out with her and her guy, he wouldn't have gone. If he didn't like what she was doing, he wouldn't be doing it.
Unless, of course, we're talking about someone with special needs who lacks basic decision-making skills. In that case, I'll buy this whole story about the villainous nuisance and her boyfriend.

The whole abortion story is just a smokescreen—one way to justify what happened. This is coming from someone who’s strictly anti-choice...
Stop kidding yourself; he wanted the procedure and he's relieved it's over with.

You have all the answers right there—it isn't that he fell in with the wrong crowd, it's that he *is* the wrong crowd. Let him self-destruct; you can't do much besides waste your own breath.
Look, I know love is a fickle bitch, but still...

Quincy:

I don't know what to tell you. People want to believe in fairy tales, but reality doesn't work that way. Life isn't some scripted romance; it’s just a series of compromises and bad timing. You can chase the dream all you want, but eventually, you have to wake up. kaže: What’s everyone’s take on all this?

I think you’ve already said it all yourself:

Quincy:

I don't know what to tell you. People act like they've discovered fire when they realize how the world actually works, but it's just common sense. Most of them are just too busy chasing shadows to see the reality right in front of them. It’s exhausting watching the same mistakes happen over and over again. kaže: I want to help him, I really do. But I also know I have to look out for myself. If he actually gave a damn about me, he’d drop those idiots, make things right between us, and finally start doing the work to change.

He can only help himself, provided he even wants to. You need to start looking out for yourself. It’s over.

Brian Palmer6 said:Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but it’s kind of about self-destructive behavior. I was seeing my boyfriend until almost four months ago—we had a really lovely four years together. Things got pretty tense right before we split, mostly because we were both under so much pressure. My job was absolutely draining me, and then my parents got sick with COVID, which just added to the stress. I won't go too deep into the details, but my ex started using drugs. He wasn't even the type to ruin his life like that before things got heavy, but he's such a naive guy—he either couldn't see how bad things were getting or just refused to acknowledge it. I knew his current job at Goldman Sachs was sucking the joy out of him, but he’d get so defensive if I mentioned it; I guess he’d rather take the big paycheck for some temporary happiness than actually change anything. He was usually such an optimistic, sweet, and humble guy, but he started changing. Especially after he started hanging out with people I never liked from the start—though I kept it to myself because he gets so worked up whenever I question his crowd (not everyone, obviously). It didn't sit right with me when he decided to flirt with this one girl, and then claimed he was just being friendly with another "friend." It felt weird, and I honestly never acted jealous or interrogated him. But he just insisted he didn't see what the big deal was, blah, blah... I told him I trusted him, just not her, since she’s always been trouble. Then, out of nowhere, he decided to end things. I know he wasn't cheating on me, and I wasn't nagging him about it. He was just being dishonest and, frankly, gross. He blamed all our problems on me, refusing to admit he messed up his part too—he’s always avoided having real conversations to fix things. We tried doing a break/separation thing, whatever. A few weeks ago, he finally admitted he'd been smoking weed and snorting stuff at a party with that girl, her boyfriend, and some other guy he looks up to. I was so shocked I didn't even yell at him that much. He said he hated it and doesn't want to be "that guy" with drugs. Before all this, he always used to say he'd rather have a glass of cognac than touch drugs. He had friends who fell into that trap, and he didn't want to be a victim of that too. It’s been almost four months since we last spoke. We would text occasionally, but today I just had this gut feeling to reach out. I asked how he was, and he just coldly texted back that he's out drinking and doing drugs and hasn't made it home yet. I literally froze in the middle of the street and thought, "I need to cut him out of my life for good." I feel bad for him, but he brought this on himself. I’d love to help, but I know I have to protect myself—if he actually cared about me, he would have left those losers behind, reconciled with me, and worked on himself, you know, learning some self-respect. I don't know what to do. He’s become incredibly self-destructive, and when I pointed that out a few months ago, he just snapped at me. I think the abortion hit him really hard, even though he was the one pushing for it so we wouldn't "lose our youth" or move in together too fast. Now it feels like it's catching up to him because he suppressed all that sadness. He also pushed down all his frustration from work, and now with this new crew (that girl is actually his coworker now) giving him powders to relax... well. I told him that isn't a good crowd for him, but I seriously doubt he'll get it. To him, it's all just fine. What do you guys think about all this?

Absolutely nothing. You two are done—no kids, no ties holding you back. If someone wants to overdose and check out, honestly... that's their business. It doesn't affect you at all.

This might come off as cold, but some people simply cannot be helped. The best course of action is to step away before they drag you down with them 😢

Brian Palmer6 said:Sorry if this is a bit off-topic, but it’s kind of about self-destructive behavior. I was seeing my boyfriend until almost four months ago—we had a really lovely four years together. Things got pretty tense right before we split, mostly because we were both under so much pressure. My job was absolutely draining me, and then my parents got sick with COVID, which just added to the stress. I won't go too deep into the details, but my ex started using drugs. He wasn't even the type to ruin his life like that before things got heavy, but he's such a naive guy—he either couldn't see how bad things were getting or just refused to acknowledge it. I knew his current job at Goldman Sachs was sucking the joy out of him, but he’d get so defensive if I mentioned it; I guess he’d rather take the big paycheck for some temporary happiness than actually change anything. He was usually such an optimistic, sweet, and humble guy, but he started changing. Especially after he started hanging out with people I never liked from the start—though I kept it to myself because he gets so worked up whenever I question his crowd (not everyone, obviously). It didn't sit right with me when he decided to flirt with this one girl, and then claimed he was just being friendly with another "friend." It felt weird, and I honestly never acted jealous or interrogated him. But he just insisted he didn't see what the big deal was, blah, blah... I told him I trusted him, just not her, since she’s always been trouble. Then, out of nowhere, he decided to end things. I know he wasn't cheating on me, and I wasn't nagging him about it. He was just being dishonest and, frankly, gross. He blamed all our problems on me, refusing to admit he messed up his part too—he’s always avoided having real conversations to fix things. We tried doing a break/separation thing, whatever. A few weeks ago, he finally admitted he'd been smoking weed and snorting stuff at a party with that girl, her boyfriend, and some other guy he looks up to. I was so shocked I didn't even yell at him that much. He said he hated it and doesn't want to be "that guy" with drugs. Before all this, he always used to say he'd rather have a glass of cognac than touch drugs. He had friends who fell into that trap, and he didn't want to be a victim of that too. It’s been almost four months since we last spoke. We would text occasionally, but today I just had this gut feeling to reach out. I asked how he was, and he just coldly texted back that he's out drinking and doing drugs and hasn't made it home yet. I literally froze in the middle of the street and thought, "I need to cut him out of my life for good." I feel bad for him, but he brought this on himself. I’d love to help, but I know I have to protect myself—if he actually cared about me, he would have left those losers behind, reconciled with me, and worked on himself, you know, learning some self-respect. I don't know what to do. He’s become incredibly self-destructive, and when I pointed that out a few months ago, he just snapped at me. I think the abortion hit him really hard, even though he was the one pushing for it so we wouldn't "lose our youth" or move in together too fast. Now it feels like it's catching up to him because he suppressed all that sadness. He also pushed down all his frustration from work, and now with this new crew (that girl is actually his coworker now) giving him powders to relax... well. I told him that isn't a good crowd for him, but I seriously doubt he'll get it. To him, it's all just fine. What do you guys think about all this?

Look, he's already underwater. Let him keep spiraling through the booze and drugs—just stay far away from him so you don't end up drowning in his mess too. You can't have a healthy life with someone like that. Honestly, I don't know a single person in my circle who actually made it out of that kind of hell.