Emotional trauma and relationship blocks: How do you deal with them?

Alright.
I picked the name David Kern5 because for the longest time I was just faking it—acting like everything was fine and I actually knew what I was doing—but honestly, I’m done playing games. It's time to get real.

I'm 28. I've spent the last few years going deep into self-discovery and soul-searching, mostly because I spent most of my life living in this constant, crushing mental knot. Eventually, I realized that feeling like garbage all the time isn't "normal," so I started flipping every single stone to figure out what the hell was actually broken inside me. Meditation, hitting the gym, career moves, just general self-work—that stuff saved me. I can finally say I've stepped up, both physically and mentally (well, except for one thing I'll get to later), and turned myself into a solid man.

If I had to sum up my first 22 years, it would be nothing but confusion, terror, darkness, and pure misery.
The reason? I was brutally bullied by peers, both physically and psychologically. There was always some bully or group of assholes picking on me at every stage of my life, from early childhood right through the end of high school. There were stretches where I was getting targeted daily, and I never had the guts to stand up for myself. My confidence was non-existent; I was basically paralyzed. I lived in a state of constant tension because of these mental blocks, and back then, I literally thought this was just how life was supposed to be. And those blocks? Most of them were planted there by my old man. My dad is such a bizarre individual that he deserves his own separate thread, but long story short: he spent my entire life tearing me down, physically and mentally too.

By 22, I hit rock bottom. I couldn't go any lower. My life was a complete disaster zone. At the time, I was working one of the filthiest, most soul-crushing manual labor jobs you could imagine. Then one day, right in the middle of a shift, it hit me like a lightning bolt: I am nothing, and my life is nothing.
That was the turning point. I became obsessed with self-improvement. I hated my existence so much that my only goal was to scrub that disgusting sense of worthlessness off my soul.
Fast forward six years—through plenty of crashes and some major wins—and I’m finally happy and satisfied with my life. For now, things are actually going well.

But...

One way my father raised me was by constantly feeding my insecurities. He didn't guide me or teach me how to do things; he just pointed out how much of a failure I was. It all boiled down to that. The guy is incredibly insecure himself.
I won't waste time analyzing his psyche here, but he's obsessed with his "status" with women. He spent his whole life bragging about his conquests, which I now realize were mostly bullshit fabrications.
From the time I was a kid, he was constantly hammering away at me regarding women.
Between ages 15 and 20, it got intense. He had this pathological need for his son to be the biggest player in town, and man, I cannot even describe how he tried to steer me. It’s pathetic and hilarious at the same time.
He’d tell me I was worthless because I wasn't some legendary ladies' man, while simultaneously pressuring me to be exactly that, or else I was a total disappointment.
If he had even a shred of empathy, he would have seen a child who needed help instead of a 50-year-old loser mocking him, but whatever.

So, acting like a headless chicken, I started chasing girls. That’s another story—partly tragic, partly ridiculous. Long story short: I approached about a thousand girls, got rejected by two thousand, and one specific rejection absolutely leveled me.
One girl actually caught my interest, and I went absolutely feral for her, only for her to dump me in the end. It wasn't cool of her, though looking back, it was understandable; eventually, anyone would see there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
A lot of those rejections stung, some didn't, and for others, I just pretended they didn't matter while keeping my head buried in the sand.
I’ve had some seriously hot girls throwing interest my way before, but my own damn insecurity always killed the vibe before anything could actually happen.
It was this weird loop where I craved a relationship, yet I was simultaneously running for the hills the second things got real.
I even tried forcing it—you know, just slamming my head against a wall—by staying in these forced relationships that were honestly just straight-up embarrassing.

So, where am I at right now?
I'm 28, still a virgin, zero emotional connections under my belt, zero female friends, and my confidence when it comes to women is still sitting at absolute ZERO (literally nothing!!!).
People act shocked when I reveal even ten percent of what I’ve laid out here. Look, I’m not trying to flex, but some people would say I’m actually pretty damn desirable.
A lot of time has passed since my last big life shift, and I've changed quite a bit on some pretty heavy stuff.
Back then, I just wanted a girlfriend because I needed that hit of validation to feel like I actually mattered. Now, I want one because I don't want to reach the end of my life realizing I never actually experienced anything. But so far, everything has been a total bust.
I picked the handle David Kern5 because for the longest time, I was just pretending everything was fine and that I actually knew what I was doing—just "fake it till you make it," right? But now I realize there's no more time for this bullshit.
Anyway, if anyone out there has actual advice on how to fix this non-existent self-confidence and finally break out of this dead end, let me hear it.

Dammit, I just finished typing out this whole damn post and the thread just vanished into thin air. 😢
OP, look, I’ve said my piece and laid everything out on the table, so you’ve read it all now, and honestly? All I can do is wish you luck at this point. 🙂

Sam Jones8 said:Dammit, I just finished typing out this whole damn post and the thread just vanished into thin air. 😢
OP, look, I’ve said my piece and laid everything out on the table, so you’ve read it all now, and honestly? All I can do is wish you luck at this point. 🙂

My bad, I already cleared it with the admin to move this thread over here, so thanks a ton for having my back 🙂

David Kern5 said:My bad, I already cleared it with the admin to move this thread over here, so thanks a ton for having my back 🙂

Don't even mention it.
🙂 🙂

I am sorry you had to go through those traumatic experiences, but there are no shortcuts here other than the one you already mentioned—hitting the wall head-on.
You have to make a mental pact with yourself: women aren't some terrifying mystery. They are just regular people who deal with the same basic human functions as you do.
If you carry yourself like a total loser, why would you expect anything else? How do you want to be perceived? It is quite clear what attracts women, from physical presentation to general conduct, and what simply does not.

Look, this might be unpopular, but here’s my take: stop treating women like a trophy to boost your status—you know, that stuff your old man drilled into your head—and stop treating them like some kind of checklist for "experience." Don't view them as a tool. And definitely don't treat them like some abstract, untouchable prize you have to hunt down at all costs.

I get the feeling that guys hit this specific phase in life where they just panic. They realize they haven't dated much, so suddenly "gaining experience" becomes this desperate mission. Usually, they end up acting so thirsty that it backfires completely.

So, first things first: ditch that negative headspace. Stop telling yourself "I have to hurry, I'm running out of time, I lack experience." Instead, aim for a real connection—a relationship, a marriage, a family, whatever. Just focus on finding that one person you actually click with emotionally. Second, you need actual standards. You can't just run around blindly hitting on every girl you see without any criteria just to say you did it. If you approach women with that "I just need practice" energy, it’s going to fail. People can smell that desperation from a mile away, and you won't attract the right partner.

The whole "fake it till you make it" thing regarding confidence isn't a bad move. It works because real confidence doesn't just happen overnight. But honestly? It's way more important to drop the weight of feeling like you're "behind" in life. Carrying that baggage just clouds your vision, and it'll definitely mess with how you see women.

When it comes to experience, I think people overrate it way too much. Personally, I feel like my best sexual encounters happened when I was still searching, exploring, and trying to prove myself. There’s an honesty to being inexperienced that actually makes you better in bed—and I mean that seriously. Once that sense of mystery and that slight edge of uncertainty fades away, you realize the whole point of sex is basically just finding a way to get your partner to do all the work while you sit back and enjoy the ride.
At that stage, you aren't actually "good" at it anymore. Experience just sucks. ☕

I feel like I really need to weigh in on this post because our mental backgrounds are so similar. I was bullied too, and my mom was pretty unstable; during my teenage years, she’d take all her aggression out on me, while my older brother barely spoke to me at all—he was just generally distant and rarely worked with me on anything. As for my self-esteem, I was incredibly insecure back then and, honestly, even at 30, I still am. I had plenty of opportunities—some actually quite solid—but I blew them all or avoided them entirely because of those insecurities, right up until my mental health spiraled and I ended up needing medication. During my junior year of high school and the seven years following, my mother battled bone cancer, so I had to step up and care for her. I managed to graduate high school, but I got stuck in my second year of college because the stress, anxiety, and depression were just too much to handle. Eventually, I ended up on meds and therapy, and I finally gave up on college altogether while trying to find my footing in society. Unfortunately, I haven't been very successful; I've held a few jobs, but I couldn't make anything stick. I also tend to pretend everything is fine when it's actually nowhere near okay. I don't have much of a support system because I constantly feel like people are judging me since I'm currently unemployed. Basically, all these traumas led to massive self-doubt and such low self-esteem that it triggered a deeper depression. I tried psychotherapy, but I ended up feeling let down by how others treated me during the process. I haven't posted on the forum in a while; I'm dealing with a lot of mental blocks, concentration issues, and intense fear regarding work—especially the weight of responsibility. I live in a part of the country where people tend to be pretty judgmental about these kinds of struggles. Right now, I'm living with my dad and trying to adjust to life, but it isn't going great. If you're interested in chatting more, feel free to send me a DM; maybe you could give me a better idea of what you're going through, since it seems like we're somewhat alike...

So you're calling a 30-year-old woman nothing more than a pair of panties?

Kyle Nelson2 said:So you're calling a 30-year-old woman nothing more than a pair of panties?

I'm telling you, it's a lost generation. 🥱