Everyone wants sympathy... but do we really owe it to everyone?

I talked on the phone with four different people today, and all four spent the entire time complaining about their medical issues.

One survived a stroke six months ago and is doing alright now—we already covered that when it happened. The second person has foot pain, specifically a toe issue, making walking difficult (total drama). The third has arm pain—and look, I get it, I know what real arm pain feels like, so I sympathize—but they’re also dealing with severe depression. The fourth has low iron and isn't feeling great, though her levels are actually within the normal range, so it's mostly just fatigue.

Every single one of them wanted comfort and empathy, which I guess is standard, especially in these weird times. Even the person struggling with depression and intense arm pain—who arguably has the hardest time—was the least vocal about complaining.

The reality is that none of these people have ever truly offered me any support during my own health struggles, even the serious ones. When they're feeling good, they couldn't care less about how I am.

Now the roles are reversed. I'm actually in a better place right now—I just got a new diagnosis this morning, though nobody bothered to ask how I was handling it—so it got me thinking: do these people even deserve my sympathy?

As a human being, I believe you should comfort the suffering and feed the hungry. But life has taught me plenty of times that sometimes that isn't the smartest move you can make. There are endless examples of that playing out in the real world.

Maybe what I'm saying is trivial, but I think it's a legitimate question.

What would you do? Offer comfort, or just give them an "uh-huh, okay, moving on"? Let's be honest: once they recover and feel better, they won't care about my problems then either. They didn't care before, and they won't care now.

Thoughts?

Maybe try mapping this out mentally—like, creating some kind of "consolation merit" spreadsheet?

In the first column, you’d list the specific issue they're facing, then in the second, assign points based on how heavy or serious that problem actually is. In the third, you track exactly how much time they actually spent focusing on *your* problem. If you divide those points by the time they gave you, the final number represents their earned consolation credit—measured in minutes or hours, of course.

Audrey Hepburn 🤣.

But honestly, you nailed it. Offering comfort—just like offering love—isn't some transaction where you expect a payout later. And even if there is a "payback," it usually comes from somewhere else entirely, if it shows up at all.

Look, if you’re feeling low and trying to be there for someone else just leaves you feeling drained and bitter, then don't do it. It's not always easy to tell if you can give without subconsciously looking for something in return (I've definitely tricked myself into thinking I could, only to realize I couldn't...), but you get better at reading yourself over time. Can you actually give without wanting something back? That's the big question you have to ask yourself... once you answer that, everything else falls into place.

Personally, I wouldn't call myself much of a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a good listener. Though, when I see someone spinning their wheels in the same mud, making zero effort to actually change anything? That just wears me out. In those cases, I just pivot to a different topic...

Walter Bennett said:Maybe try mapping this out mentally—like, creating some kind of "consolation merit" spreadsheet?

In the first column, you’d list the specific issue they're facing, then in the second, assign points based on how heavy or serious that problem actually is. In the third, you track exactly how much time they actually spent focusing on *your* problem. If you divide those points by the time they gave you, the final number represents their earned consolation credit—measured in minutes or hours, of course.

I like where you're going with that. Thanks. 🙂 I'm working on my mental spreadsheet right now. 😁😁😁

jadeowl2 said:Audrey Hepburn 🤣.

But honestly, you nailed it. Offering comfort—just like offering love—isn't some transaction where you expect a payout later. And even if there is a "payback," it usually comes from somewhere else entirely, if it shows up at all.

Look, if you’re feeling low and trying to be there for someone else just leaves you feeling drained and bitter, then don't do it. It's not always easy to tell if you can give without subconsciously looking for something in return (I've definitely tricked myself into thinking I could, only to realize I couldn't...), but you get better at reading yourself over time. Can you actually give without wanting something back? That's the big question you have to ask yourself... once you answer that, everything else falls into place.

Personally, I wouldn't call myself much of a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a good listener. Though, when I see someone spinning their wheels in the same mud, making zero effort to actually change anything? That just wears me out. In those cases, I just pivot to a different topic...

Basically, you stop offering comfort when you feel they don't deserve it anymore. And honestly? That's fine. Even I hit that wall sometimes.

If people want unconditional listening, they can find a therapist in NYC. Those professionals charge for a reason; they don't do it for free. 🙂

I remember reading some expert advice once suggesting we should just tell people they have no right to demand we act like therapists. We're their friends, not clinical specialists. No one is obligated to play that role.

Sarah Ross21 said:Basically, you stop offering comfort when you feel they don't deserve it anymore. And honestly? That's fine. Even I hit that wall sometimes.

If people want unconditional listening, they can find a therapist in NYC. Those professionals charge for a reason; they don't do it for free. 🙂

I remember reading some expert advice once suggesting we should just tell people they have no right to demand we act like therapists. We're their friends, not clinical specialists. No one is obligated to play that role.

The truth is, every friend plays the role of a bit of a "therapist" to their inner circle. Of course, things spiral when that becomes the sole focus—when one person constantly leans on you for emotional labor while ignoring everything else—but that imbalance exists in any relationship where one facet of the bond begins to overshadow the rest. Just because there isn't always a perfect equilibrium doesn't mean you can surgically excise the "therapist" element from a friendship. Honestly, I struggle to see how you could even claim to be someone's friend without occasionally stepping into that role during the rough patches of their life, offering comfort, listening, providing support, or perhaps gently pointing out their recurring mistakes and patterns.

Beyond that, what is the actual core of this discussion? Is it about whether it’s worth offering solace to people who merely drain your energy without lifting a finger to improve their own circumstances, or is it about the frustration of people demanding empathy from you while refusing to reciprocate? If it's the latter, I fail to see the point in making such a broad, sweeping topic out of it; that's purely a matter of personal judgment regarding how much you choose to give and receive. No outside observer is going to hand you a universal standard for those boundaries.

Sarah Ross21 said:Basically, you stop offering comfort when you feel they don't deserve it anymore. And honestly? That's fine. Even I hit that wall sometimes.

If people want unconditional listening, they can find a therapist in NYC. Those professionals charge for a reason; they don't do it for free. 🙂

I remember reading some expert advice once suggesting we should just tell people they have no right to demand we act like therapists. We're their friends, not clinical specialists. No one is obligated to play that role.

It's not even about whether they "deserve" it or not... it's more that I just can't give it without it draining me dry. And why would I do that to myself? It makes zero sense.

E: Just like how doing math wouldn't make any sense for me, since I almost never seek out comfort by venting my problems to others. For me, just having my favorite people around is what actually feels therapeutic.

jadeowl2 said:Audrey Hepburn 🤣.

But honestly, you nailed it. Offering comfort—just like offering love—isn't some transaction where you expect a payout later. And even if there is a "payback," it usually comes from somewhere else entirely, if it shows up at all.

Look, if you’re feeling low and trying to be there for someone else just leaves you feeling drained and bitter, then don't do it. It's not always easy to tell if you can give without subconsciously looking for something in return (I've definitely tricked myself into thinking I could, only to realize I couldn't...), but you get better at reading yourself over time. Can you actually give without wanting something back? That's the big question you have to ask yourself... once you answer that, everything else falls into place.

Personally, I wouldn't call myself much of a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a good listener. Though, when I see someone spinning their wheels in the same mud, making zero effort to actually change anything? That just wears me out. In those cases, I just pivot to a different topic...

Love (just like...) isn't... 😬

ironrider11 said:Love (just like...) isn't... 😬

Look, you innocent soul...
Of course there’s an exchange involved. For instance, you know exactly what you're getting when you offer a woman some comfort. It isn't necessarily a formal contract; it just ends up that way. I give you my ear and a shoulder to lean on, and in return, you... 🙂

It's a completely different story when people use themed threads just to talk about themselves and their own lives. But when someone dealing with similar struggles reads what you wrote, they get that feeling that they aren't actually alone in all of this..

briskbison47 said:Look, you innocent soul...
Of course there’s an exchange involved. For instance, you know exactly what you're getting when you offer a woman some comfort. It isn't necessarily a formal contract; it just ends up that way. I give you my ear and a shoulder to lean on, and in return, you... 🙂

It's a completely different story when people use themed threads just to talk about themselves and their own lives. But when someone dealing with similar struggles reads what you wrote, they get that feeling that they aren't actually alone in all of this..

Look, you gotta kill off that naive innocence first. Use some real-world grit to do it. You can't get strong until you stop being so damn soft... If you're lucky enough to actually become bulletproof—just this cold, calculating machine focused on "what's in it for me" and weighing every move against reality—you might think you've mastered everything. You aim for perfection, try to squeeze the margin for error down to basically zero... But then, deep down inside, there’s always that little voice. It starts quiet, then gets louder. That little guy is restless. He craves chaos. He thrives on mess. And honestly? He just wants to feel something... he wants to love. He's a bit of a wreck, really. Because if you don't have something meaningful to chase, if you're just sitting around in total peace... well, they say that kind of emptiness is a playground for pure misery...

Glasić is out here acting like a total lunatic, basically implying—or just straight up trolling—that everything we’ve built, achieved, or even fought for... all our own damn hard work... isn't worth a single cent. Just a useless little nothing... So this guy, who acts all polished, all put-together, all hyper-focused on himself... suddenly finds himself stuck in this massive dilemma. He’s trying to tally up his imaginary net worth after all this time, and he finally realizes something. It’s not that his account is empty... it’s that there is no account. The whole market, the economy, the entire political landscape... it’s all just living in his head... pure fiction. Man really is a creative genius though. A real visionary... his whole universe fits right inside his own ego...

Look, man, at first it’s rough. It hurts. You gotta learn how to just let go, you know? Stop fighting the moment and just ride it... stop trying to exploit the flow when you should just be part of it. What does it even mean to actually be alive? Does anyone actually have an answer for that? Or is it just about not being dead yet? Maybe it’s about finding those tiny, invisible things that most people miss because they aren't naive anymore. Those little moments that only exist in your head. It’s kind of useless, really—this way of constantly shifting who you are to keep up with everyone else, even though we're all just heading toward the same end anyway. We're all just destined to be forgotten. Instead, maybe just focus on the small stuff. The basic joys. Even the messy parts you used to hate but eventually learn to accept just to get by... it's not about "life" in some grand sense. It's just about being present in the now. Whatever... ugh... back to being a kid again....

Sharing problems is pointless—it’s impossible to explain things to someone who’s just stuck on their own little loop... maybe it's just a manufactured feeling that everything isn't actually that deep. Feeling solipsistic, lonely, or just isolated... it's all kind of problematic... right?Instead of obsessing over our own personal problems—which, let’s be honest, are probably already way too much to handle for any one person... maybe...—we should just focus on what we actually have in common. We should be enjoying ourselves. Instead, we spend all our energy playing these games of who gave who more attention, who listened better, who offered a shoulder to cry on, or who shamelessly took more than they gave... just constantly massaging this whole "Oh, woe is me, life is so hard" vibe. It feels kinda pathological. Like an addiction... maybe...

Honestly, being part of this "support group" (or whatever we call this prisoner exchange circle) is actually a blessing. We’re all just here together, crushing and stomping on these sour, rotten grapes... trying to squeeze out some kind of alchemical elixir. It’s for those moments when your own personal "Angst" becomes too much to handle alone—when life hits you so hard you can't even face it solo. A collective gulp of shared pain and struggle works better than any heavy-duty prescription meds. You know, the kind that don't even touch the pain once bone cancer starts snapping everything like dry twigs... those pills just stop working when things get that dark. This way, we share the burden of existence...

If everyone deserves comfort—not just a select few—then maybe there's a way it's meant to happen. If not, then it doesn't happen. Just like a lot of other things in life, it seems pretty straightforward, right?

ironrider11 said:Look, you gotta kill off that naive innocence first. Use some real-world grit to do it. You can't get strong until you stop being so damn soft... If you're lucky enough to actually become bulletproof—just this cold, calculating machine focused on "what's in it for me" and weighing every move against reality—you might think you've mastered everything. You aim for perfection, try to squeeze the margin for error down to basically zero... But then, deep down inside, there’s always that little voice. It starts quiet, then gets louder. That little guy is restless. He craves chaos. He thrives on mess. And honestly? He just wants to feel something... he wants to love. He's a bit of a wreck, really. Because if you don't have something meaningful to chase, if you're just sitting around in total peace... well, they say that kind of emptiness is a playground for pure misery...

Glasić is out here acting like a total lunatic, basically implying—or just straight up trolling—that everything we’ve built, achieved, or even fought for... all our own damn hard work... isn't worth a single cent. Just a useless little nothing... So this guy, who acts all polished, all put-together, all hyper-focused on himself... suddenly finds himself stuck in this massive dilemma. He’s trying to tally up his imaginary net worth after all this time, and he finally realizes something. It’s not that his account is empty... it’s that there is no account. The whole market, the economy, the entire political landscape... it’s all just living in his head... pure fiction. Man really is a creative genius though. A real visionary... his whole universe fits right inside his own ego...

Look, man, at first it’s rough. It hurts. You gotta learn how to just let go, you know? Stop fighting the moment and just ride it... stop trying to exploit the flow when you should just be part of it. What does it even mean to actually be alive? Does anyone actually have an answer for that? Or is it just about not being dead yet? Maybe it’s about finding those tiny, invisible things that most people miss because they aren't naive anymore. Those little moments that only exist in your head. It’s kind of useless, really—this way of constantly shifting who you are to keep up with everyone else, even though we're all just heading toward the same end anyway. We're all just destined to be forgotten. Instead, maybe just focus on the small stuff. The basic joys. Even the messy parts you used to hate but eventually learn to accept just to get by... it's not about "life" in some grand sense. It's just about being present in the now. Whatever... ugh... back to being a kid again....

Sharing problems is pointless—it’s impossible to explain things to someone who’s just stuck on their own little loop... maybe it's just a manufactured feeling that everything isn't actually that deep. Feeling solipsistic, lonely, or just isolated... it's all kind of problematic... right?Instead of obsessing over our own personal problems—which, let’s be honest, are probably already way too much to handle for any one person... maybe...—we should just focus on what we actually have in common. We should be enjoying ourselves. Instead, we spend all our energy playing these games of who gave who more attention, who listened better, who offered a shoulder to cry on, or who shamelessly took more than they gave... just constantly massaging this whole "Oh, woe is me, life is so hard" vibe. It feels kinda pathological. Like an addiction... maybe...

Honestly, being part of this "support group" (or whatever we call this prisoner exchange circle) is actually a blessing. We’re all just here together, crushing and stomping on these sour, rotten grapes... trying to squeeze out some kind of alchemical elixir. It’s for those moments when your own personal "Angst" becomes too much to handle alone—when life hits you so hard you can't even face it solo. A collective gulp of shared pain and struggle works better than any heavy-duty prescription meds. You know, the kind that don't even touch the pain once bone cancer starts snapping everything like dry twigs... those pills just stop working when things get that dark. This way, we share the burden of existence...

If everyone deserves comfort—not just a select few—then maybe there's a way it's meant to happen. If not, then it doesn't happen. Just like a lot of other things in life, it seems pretty straightforward, right?

One of my most profound life crises hit me when I started thinking about this in some dark corner of my brain. To this day, I don't have any particularly brilliant, decisive answer to it. So far, the most beneficial solution has simply been not to overthink it too much. 😁

Great post, btw.

We seek out company because, at the end of the day, we’re looking for something better than just sitting alone with our own thoughts. Now, don't get me wrong—offering someone a bit of comfort is a noble thing, truly. But if you find yourself constantly acting as a shoulder to cry on for someone who refuses to stand on their own two feet, you’re going to end up completely drained and depressed. And honestly? It isn't even helping the person you're trying to support in the long run.

darksurfer4 said:We seek out company because, at the end of the day, we’re looking for something better than just sitting alone with our own thoughts. Now, don't get me wrong—offering someone a bit of comfort is a noble thing, truly. But if you find yourself constantly acting as a shoulder to cry on for someone who refuses to stand on their own two feet, you’re going to end up completely drained and depressed. And honestly? It isn't even helping the person you're trying to support in the long run.

Exactly. You end up exhausted, pouring everything you have into a bottomless pit. These types don't just take; they vacuum energy from everyone they meet—you, then the next person, then the next.

Someone asked earlier what the point of this thread even is.

The point is this: people who refuse to show any empathy themselves—never listening or paying attention—suddenly think they're entitled to demand it from everyone else the moment things go south.

Sure, friendship involves bits of "therapy" now and then. That happens during certain phases of life. But if a friendship is nothing more than a continuous, unpaid therapy session, it isn't really a friendship anymore.

Maybe I missed the mark, but at least we had a conversation. :-)

Carl Rivera43 said:
We hang out with people because it's supposed to make us feel better than being alone, right? Offering comfort is great. But if you're constantly playing therapist for someone who always needs a shoulder to cry on, you're going to end up burned out and depressed. And honestly? It doesn't even help the person seeking the sympathy in the long run.

Exactly. It’s just a loop. You end up spinning your wheels while the actual problems just sit there, totally unresolved.

Sarah Ross21 said:I talked on the phone with four different people today, and all four spent the entire time complaining about their medical issues.

One survived a stroke six months ago and is doing alright now—we already covered that when it happened. The second person has foot pain, specifically a toe issue, making walking difficult (total drama). The third has arm pain—and look, I get it, I know what real arm pain feels like, so I sympathize—but they’re also dealing with severe depression. The fourth has low iron and isn't feeling great, though her levels are actually within the normal range, so it's mostly just fatigue.

Every single one of them wanted comfort and empathy, which I guess is standard, especially in these weird times. Even the person struggling with depression and intense arm pain—who arguably has the hardest time—was the least vocal about complaining.

The reality is that none of these people have ever truly offered me any support during my own health struggles, even the serious ones. When they're feeling good, they couldn't care less about how I am.

Now the roles are reversed. I'm actually in a better place right now—I just got a new diagnosis this morning, though nobody bothered to ask how I was handling it—so it got me thinking: do these people even deserve my sympathy?

As a human being, I believe you should comfort the suffering and feed the hungry. But life has taught me plenty of times that sometimes that isn't the smartest move you can make. There are endless examples of that playing out in the real world.

Maybe what I'm saying is trivial, but I think it's a legitimate question.

What would you do? Offer comfort, or just give them an "uh-huh, okay, moving on"? Let's be honest: once they recover and feel better, they won't care about my problems then either. They didn't care before, and they won't care now.

Thoughts?

Since they've already shown they lack empathy, I wouldn't let it weigh on me too much. Listen briefly when you're in a good mood, but don't let their drama become your own. 🙂

That sounds much easier than actually doing it if that isn't your nature. 🙂 I have a friend who is constantly drained by people dumping their problems—real or imagined—on her. She gets deeply invested, feels guilty if she can't help, and even though these people never reciprocate, she just can't help herself. 🤷

I believe this struggle hits hardest for those who hope to be heard themselves one day. You can't force reciprocity; you simply have to find people who share your temperament and are willing to listen in return. 🙂

I don't mind listening to someone vent, provided they respect boundaries and it remains only a small part of our conversation. If the entire chat turns into a constant stream of complaining, I step away.

Sarah Ross21 said:I talked on the phone with four different people today, and all four spent the entire time complaining about their medical issues.

One survived a stroke six months ago and is doing alright now—we already covered that when it happened. The second person has foot pain, specifically a toe issue, making walking difficult (total drama). The third has arm pain—and look, I get it, I know what real arm pain feels like, so I sympathize—but they’re also dealing with severe depression. The fourth has low iron and isn't feeling great, though her levels are actually within the normal range, so it's mostly just fatigue.

Every single one of them wanted comfort and empathy, which I guess is standard, especially in these weird times. Even the person struggling with depression and intense arm pain—who arguably has the hardest time—was the least vocal about complaining.

The reality is that none of these people have ever truly offered me any support during my own health struggles, even the serious ones. When they're feeling good, they couldn't care less about how I am.

Now the roles are reversed. I'm actually in a better place right now—I just got a new diagnosis this morning, though nobody bothered to ask how I was handling it—so it got me thinking: do these people even deserve my sympathy?

As a human being, I believe you should comfort the suffering and feed the hungry. But life has taught me plenty of times that sometimes that isn't the smartest move you can make. There are endless examples of that playing out in the real world.

Maybe what I'm saying is trivial, but I think it's a legitimate question.

What would you do? Offer comfort, or just give them an "uh-huh, okay, moving on"? Let's be honest: once they recover and feel better, they won't care about my problems then either. They didn't care before, and they won't care now.

Thoughts?

The real question is why they're dumping all this on you specifically instead of someone else.

Do you guys talk on the phone or hang out constantly?

How many calls are we talking per day on average?

Some people just love to whine, plain and simple. And since they don't want to scream at a brick wall, they vent to whoever they talk to most often.

Basically, you're just acting as their sounding board. So, just like a wall wouldn't offer actual comfort, they don't expect much from you either.

You gave them an ear for thirty minutes, and that's plenty.

They feel better just by getting it out of their system, regardless of what you say. Half the time, they aren't even listening to your response. It's basically just a monologue.

mistybison said:Since they've already shown they lack empathy, I wouldn't let it weigh on me too much. Listen briefly when you're in a good mood, but don't let their drama become your own. 🙂

That sounds much easier than actually doing it if that isn't your nature. 🙂 I have a friend who is constantly drained by people dumping their problems—real or imagined—on her. She gets deeply invested, feels guilty if she can't help, and even though these people never reciprocate, she just can't help herself. 🤷

I believe this struggle hits hardest for those who hope to be heard themselves one day. You can't force reciprocity; you simply have to find people who share your temperament and are willing to listen in return. 🙂

I don't mind listening to someone vent, provided they respect boundaries and it remains only a small part of our conversation. If the entire chat turns into a constant stream of complaining, I step away.

Thanks for this response. You nailed it perfectly.

It hasn't been long since I started this thread, but I can tell you things are looking up. 🙂 I simply started treating people exactly how they treat me, and suddenly, they started listening to me. Sure, there's conflict, but that doesn't matter. Self-respect matters more.

And yeah, growing up, I had this desperate need to be "heard," which never happened. That's probably why I feel this compulsion to listen and validate everyone else, while still wishing they'd do the same for me.

You hit the nail on the head—find people who actually want to listen. Don't waste your breath trying to change the egocentrics. 😁😵😵

Here’s a fresh example from the office—we have a new hire. The other day, right when I was buried in work, I spent half my shift helping her untangle some issues she couldn't handle. She’s my age, so she should have a decent amount of experience by now, but she’s incredibly smart and even more arrogant. It’s been like that since day one. If anything goes wrong, it’s always someone else's fault.

Fine, whatever. I figured I’d help since she’s the new girl. So I spend the entire day running myself ragged, cleaning up both my own messes and hers.

And the payoff? She actually went to our manager and complained that neither my colleague nor I would lend her a hand!!! Luckily, there was a witness present—someone from outside our small office suite—so I’m confident this will blow back on her, but I still can't believe the nerve.

My takeaway? Stop helping people. Or at least vet them properly before you bother. Don't just be a pushover for everyone. NOT EVERYONE DESERVES YOUR HELP OR YOUR TIME. Not even close.

mistybison said:Since they've already shown they lack empathy, I wouldn't let it weigh on me too much. Listen briefly when you're in a good mood, but don't let their drama become your own. 🙂

That sounds much easier than actually doing it if that isn't your nature. 🙂 I have a friend who is constantly drained by people dumping their problems—real or imagined—on her. She gets deeply invested, feels guilty if she can't help, and even though these people never reciprocate, she just can't help herself. 🤷

I believe this struggle hits hardest for those who hope to be heard themselves one day. You can't force reciprocity; you simply have to find people who share your temperament and are willing to listen in return. 🙂

I don't mind listening to someone vent, provided they respect boundaries and it remains only a small part of our conversation. If the entire chat turns into a constant stream of complaining, I step away.

That’s a solid point. It took me a while to realize it myself, but honestly? That should be Rule No. 1.

No.