Extreme jealousy

William Hall61 said:Given how she reacted to everything else—only jumping in when someone suggested he shared some of the blame instead of actually addressing any questions aimed directly at her—I really doubt we can do anything to help her.

I'm right there with you, maybe she just isn't in a place where she can actually accept help right now.
Plus, trying to get things back on track at 35 is definitely a whole different ballgame than doing it when you're 20, isn't it?

Maybe there are other issues at play, but let's stick to the jealousy topic for now.

Not sure if this is allowed here https://www.amazon.com/shame-psychology-book/dp/B00005N5S2

A lot of major books in the field of popular psychology, which some of you might have read, frame shame as a purely destructive force. This book actually walks you through the entire spectrum of emotions tied to shame (things like discomfort, guilt, and insecurity from being overly self-conscious), which are just parts of daily life and aren't always toxic. It teaches you how to spot when we're talking about shame without even using the word. No matter how you react to it, everyone deals with these feelings every single day. Even if we don't realize it, we're constantly sensing the threat of shame in our interactions and trying to dodge it whenever possible.

That’s basically what psychotherapy aims to do—identify what's actually happening. But it's hard to figure out if someone is just refusing to speak because they're paralyzed by shame... and then of course, the doctor isn't going to work for free.

Tyler Kim said:I'm right there with you, maybe she just isn't in a place where she can actually accept help right now.
Plus, trying to get things back on track at 35 is definitely a whole different ballgame than doing it when you're 20, isn't it?

Personally, I didn't make my biggest life shifts until after I hit 36. Back in my 20s, I honestly couldn't see myself clearly enough to actually understand who I was. Now, I finally realize there’s a ton of stuff I still need to fix, learn, and figure out about myself, and strangely enough, I’m actually looking forward to it.
I think most people hit a point after 30 where they finally get a clear look at what they’ve been doing and who they really are... and everyone has to deal with that truth sooner or later. Some people run straight into a wall when they realize they keep falling for the same toxic patterns or meeting the same types of people, but they just choose to ignore it all and keep acting like a teenager who knows everything. Then you have the ones who actually face themselves and start looking inward for the answers.

feralotter8 said:Exactly. That’s the heart of it right there. Total breakdown in communication and zero honesty. And yeah, it’s not "helping" me at all—it’s non-existent. He acts like it’s some big joke, and maybe he even enjoys it. The only thing I can't gauge is how hard this jealousy hits me before I finally snap out of it. Like, I see some random guy liking a photo on Instagram that crosses the line for me, and boom—my head starts burning, my heart is racing, and my mind goes straight to the gutter. In my head, they're already grabbing coffee, hooking up, the whole nine yards—all behind my back. I get so blinded by rage I just want to yell at him or kick his ass. It's a total blackout. Then I try to chill, take deep breaths, put the phone away... eventually, the initial madness fades, but the day is totally trashed. I'm left feeling wired, anxious, and stuck in this loop of intrusive thoughts. I can't focus on anything else. Things might feel slightly better the next day, until the next trigger hits. It’s a nightmare. I know it’s a nightmare and I know it’s not healthy, but I have no clue how to make it stop.

Just walk away from him. You’ll save yourself. Just imagine waking up one morning and not giving a single damn about whether he liked a photo or not. Imagine how much peace you'd have.

What I really don't get about all this is, why are you so terrified of catching him doing something he shouldn't be doing? Are you scared of the breakup, or are you just scared of the embarrassment?
If it's about the embarrassment, then the reason is stupid. And as for the breakup, it was going to happen anyway, regardless of whether you were stressing out this much. Basically, you're completely powerless here, whether you play detective or not.

William Hall61 said:Given how she reacted to everything else—only jumping in when someone suggested he shared some of the blame instead of actually addressing any questions aimed directly at her—I really doubt we can do anything to help her.

I tried writing a full post, but it wouldn't go through.

Look, I'm not saying he's guilty. Period. He reacts however he wants to my questions, but I have never once sat him down and said, "Hey, let's debate this" or "Help me, I'm struggling!" No way. It's purely out of fear—fear that he'll walk away or get disgusted by who he's dealing with. I ask things in such a vague, surface-level way that he has absolutely no clue what I'm actually battling or what's going on in my head.

I don't know how to explain it. I know I have a problem. I know my total lack of self-confidence is the root cause of all this, I just don't know how to stay afloat or make it stop.

Like, how am I supposed to just not care when I see some random "like" on Facebook, or see him texting? How do I stop that mental spiral—the rage, the anger, the pure panic... whatever it is.

Take this morning, for example. We were on the phone for a few minutes, then I hear his phone ring. He tells me he has to go because some colleague is calling and we'll talk later. Fine. But immediately, my brain goes into overdrive. Who's calling him? Who calls you at 9 AM? It's gotta be some woman, maybe asking him to grab coffee... It just keeps looping. These scenarios, these combinations, they just play on repeat forever. Nothing I do, no matter how busy I get, can get those thoughts out of my head. Literally all day long.

Or if he's just in a bad mood, or isn't talking much, or says one thing that doesn't sit right with me... I immediately think it's the beginning of the end. That he's gonna leave me. That it's over. He found someone else, and now I'm just annoying and a burden.

Writing this out, I realize how crazy this sounds. I totally get it. I just don't know how to stop. How to shut down these thoughts and reactions... that's it.

Jonathan Gray62 said:Just walk away from him. You’ll save yourself. Just imagine waking up one morning and not giving a single damn about whether he liked a photo or not. Imagine how much peace you'd have.

What I really don't get about all this is, why are you so terrified of catching him doing something he shouldn't be doing? Are you scared of the breakup, or are you just scared of the embarrassment?
If it's about the embarrassment, then the reason is stupid. And as for the breakup, it was going to happen anyway, regardless of whether you were stressing out this much. Basically, you're completely powerless here, whether you play detective or not.

I know this sounds wild after everything I just said, but I constantly find myself wishing we had never even met. If that were the case, I wouldn't be dealing with all this drama. I’d just be living my life, chill and relaxed, enjoying the little things, waking up without that knot in my stomach... you know the drill.

But then again, when we're actually good, it feels great. I love it. I really don't want to be alone again...

It’s not about the embarrassment. It’s the fear. Like, how am I supposed to handle it if he leaves me or finds someone else and I have to see them? Just the thought makes me sick...

Everything is just so incredibly contradictory. You can probably imagine what a wreck my head is right now...

Did you basically just tear apart your old marriage in your head?
Why do you feel like you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, or interesting enough?
What happens if you guys just call it quits? A few months ago he wasn't even part of your life, and you managed just fine without him. You could easily go back to that.
And what if he cheats? Does that actually mean you weren't good enough, or does it just mean he’s a man with zero integrity who lies and cheats?

When you're snooping through his phone, are you actually certain you won't get caught, or are you just playing a dangerous game hoping he doesn't walk in?

feralotter8 said:I know this sounds wild after everything I just said, but I constantly find myself wishing we had never even met. If that were the case, I wouldn't be dealing with all this drama. I’d just be living my life, chill and relaxed, enjoying the little things, waking up without that knot in my stomach... you know the drill.

But then again, when we're actually good, it feels great. I love it. I really don't want to be alone again...

It’s not about the embarrassment. It’s the fear. Like, how am I supposed to handle it if he leaves me or finds someone else and I have to see them? Just the thought makes me sick...

Everything is just so incredibly contradictory. You can probably imagine what a wreck my head is right now...

I intended to write this yesterday, but you've just confirmed some of my own thoughts. At the very core of this jealousy lies your terror of being left alone, of not being in a relationship. You know better than anyone why that is. You have placed this relationship and him on a pedestal; you essentially deify them within yourself. Consequently, you are terrified of losing all of it, even though the rational, healthy part of you recognizes the need for distance and solitude. You need that space to learn how to be comfortable in your own company and to find peace while reflecting on whether we are truly a couple or not.
When you operate from a place of relaxation and healthy self-assurance, relationships are experienced through a lens of blissful relativism: if they are there, great; if they aren't, that's fine too. Everything will turn out okay.
From a position where you are firmly grounded in yourself, you realize that you cannot lose anyone or anything, because you can never truly own or possess another person.
Instead, you can exist alongside someone in total freedom, much like a queen sitting upon her magnificent throne, amusedly watching her partner flirt with the ladies of the court.

How long have you guys been together, how old are you both, and are you living separately right now?
Maybe the word "relationship" just doesn't feel right after marriage, or maybe you're looking for something more substantial, which might be why you're feeling so unsure about everything.

I remember being incredibly jealous back before my husband and I finally moved in together—honestly, I can't even explain why I felt that way.

Robin Foster7 said:How long have you guys been together, how old are you both, and are you living separately right now?
Maybe the word "relationship" just doesn't feel right after marriage, or maybe you're looking for something more substantial, which might be why you're feeling so unsure about everything.

I remember being incredibly jealous back before my husband and I finally moved in together—honestly, I can't even explain why I felt that way.

William Hall61 said:Did you basically just tear apart your old marriage in your head?
Why do you feel like you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, or interesting enough?
What happens if you guys just call it quits? A few months ago he wasn't even part of your life, and you managed just fine without him. You could easily go back to that.
And what if he cheats? Does that actually mean you weren't good enough, or does it just mean he’s a man with zero integrity who lies and cheats?

When you're snooping through his phone, are you actually certain you won't get caught, or are you just playing a dangerous game hoping he doesn't walk in?

I definitely processed the marriage beforehand. Long before the papers were even signed, it was basically over. Everything just faded out—no massive blowups, no trauma, it just died.

This thing started out super casual. We were seeing each other, but he wasn't looking for anything serious. For a few months, it felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting while he just cruised along. He wasn't ignoring me or blowing me off, but you know that feeling when you realize you're the only one actually trying...
Eventually, things leveled up and got serious. His behavior toward me is totally fine now. The real issue is the distance. Since he works in another city, we don't see each other for like a week at a time most weeks; he usually just rolls in on Fridays. We talk constantly, but still... It would probably be better if he were here all the time, though I'm not even saying we should live together yet...

As for the phone, yeah, he could technically catch me anytime. I wait until he's in the shower or steps out for a second. If he's in the room—like if he's sleeping—I won't touch it. I don't dare. I'll jump on Viber just to scroll through contact names, and if I see a random woman's name, I'll peek at the messages or check the call log... I don't do it all the time, but I do it.

But honestly, being that possessive is just unnecessary and, frankly, kind of a losing game.

So here I am, staring at the ceiling because I’ve managed to completely wreck my entire morning over one specific, stupid "problem."

Basically, on that damn Facebook app, he used to have his birthday hidden—you know, so he wouldn't get bombarded by 300 random acquaintances, just keeping it for the people who actually matter. His birthday is in July, and I was just scrolling through his profile and realized he finally flipped the switch to make it public.

And that was it. Total meltdown. My head is spinning, my stomach is in knots, I'm just straight-up agitated... my whole day is shot. All because of him. Who is he even doing this for? Who does he want seeing it and sending wishes? I've been stuck in this obsessive thought loop since 8:00 AM.

Absolute disaster.

That’s just a trigger. Honestly? Let it go. It’s time to drop the baggage and start building some fresh principles of your own.

feralotter8 said:So here I am, staring at the ceiling because I’ve managed to completely wreck my entire morning over one specific, stupid "problem."

Basically, on that damn Facebook app, he used to have his birthday hidden—you know, so he wouldn't get bombarded by 300 random acquaintances, just keeping it for the people who actually matter. His birthday is in July, and I was just scrolling through his profile and realized he finally flipped the switch to make it public.

And that was it. Total meltdown. My head is spinning, my stomach is in knots, I'm just straight-up agitated... my whole day is shot. All because of him. Who is he even doing this for? Who does he want seeing it and sending wishes? I've been stuck in this obsessive thought loop since 8:00 AM.

Absolute disaster.

Since you're dealing with these kinds of obsessive thoughts—similar to what I went through before I started treatment for OCD—there's a chance you might be struggling with something similar. You should really go see a psychologist. What you're doing isn't healthy, and honestly, if you don't want your relationship to fall apart, please talk to a professional. They will be able to give you the best guidance on how to move forward...

Carl Rivera43 said:That’s just a trigger. Honestly? Let it go. It’s time to drop the baggage and start building some fresh principles of your own.

I am sick. Seriously, I am losing it. What I’m feeling isn't right, what I’m doing isn't right. It’s not normal that I just spent my time vetting 600 of his friends one by one. Why can't I just stop??

Reading all your comments, there are moments where I actually convince myself that what I'm doing is ridiculous. But then a minute later, the whole cycle starts all over again... endless analyzing, replaying the movie in my head, trying to piece together this mosaic of people I basically made up out of thin air... I honestly can't tell anymore what's real and what I just hallucinated up.

I really hope you start feeling more like yourself soon... you’re going to need all that energy for the new stuff coming your way. Seriously, you've gotta look out for yourself first. I mean, who else is going to do it if you don't?

feralotter8 said:I am sick. Seriously, I am losing it. What I’m feeling isn't right, what I’m doing isn't right. It’s not normal that I just spent my time vetting 600 of his friends one by one. Why can't I just stop??

Reading all your comments, there are moments where I actually convince myself that what I'm doing is ridiculous. But then a minute later, the whole cycle starts all over again... endless analyzing, replaying the movie in my head, trying to piece together this mosaic of people I basically made up out of thin air... I honestly can't tell anymore what's real and what I just hallucinated up.

I am telling you truly, you are going to ruin yourself, your relationship, and him too, all because of these scenarios you’re spinning in your head. It seems like something just isn't clicking right now; I didn't notice this issue before, but once you let these thoughts spiral, it’s game over—one thing just triggers the next. If you want to end things or walk away from the relationship entirely (including any future ones), that's one thing, but you should really consider talking to a professional just to get an expert opinion. It might be nothing at all, but if you keep going at this pace, you are going to end up physically ill, for real. Please, just be kind to yourself and stop doing this...