Pity sex and sex as a reward for effort.

Hello everyone.
I am asking for some honest perspectives here because, despite being 50 years old, I find myself quite confused.
A friend of mine met a man a few years ago during a devastating divorce—one that left her mentally and financially shattered. He was about ten years older than her. She says he helped her get back on her feet in every way possible. His support and effort impressed her so much that she actually tried to turn it into a romantic partnership. However, she quickly realized that such a relationship was impossible because she simply wasn't attracted to him. When she told him as much, he stopped calling, though she insisted on maintaining a friendship. A year later, she asked him for financial assistance to buy an apartment (something he had previously offered). Since then, they have started spending more time together—nothing serious, yet they have engaged in sex. She has never truly wanted this; she claims the sex is always incredibly dull and brief, but she goes along with it out of respect and a desire to make him happy as a way of saying thank you. To be clear, my friend is not promiscuous and would never cheat on her current partner, but she still maintains contact with this man (without sex) and admits that if she were to break up with her partner, she would intensify her relationship with him again. Personally, I believe she developed this sense of fearful reverence toward him due to the trauma of her divorce. I also feel her behavior is undignified and self-degrading; she needs to change her perception and end this dynamic immediately. When I shared my opinion with her, she took offense and called me "North American limited".
What is your take on this, and how should I handle it? I would be very grateful for any serious advice.

So what’s your stake in this? I don't get why you care so much about who your friend is seeing. Unless you're actually the guy she dumped and now you're just bitter because her new boyfriend is playing the hero? 🤔

So, he provides the financial lifeline, and she provides the intimacy?

It’s not about sympathy—it’s a transaction. There's actually a specific term for that kind of arrangement.

Whether you dig it or not, that's just her moral compass, and honestly, I don't see why anyone would try to force her to change it.

Look, if someone’s lifestyle hits a wall with my personal values, I just walk away. It isn't my job to play life coach or fix people. They can live however they want.

That’s just pure prostitution. Don't be so North American limited and let her show some gratitude. Getting an apartment these days isn't exactly easy...☕

Hey, ironrider11, I was just thinking... since you've been hanging out with that friend of yours for such a long time now, I guess I'm kind of wondering, do you ever get the feeling she isn't quite as grateful to you as she should be? ☕

Lies?

She’s got this deep emotional bond with him, I suppose, but there just isn't any physical spark or sexual attraction there. It doesn't really feel like prostitution to me, maybe.

ironrider11 said:Lies?

The shortest post in history.🙂

Angela Morgan said:The shortest post in history.🙂

There was also... shorter...Let's go... let's get it... 🙂

Back to the topic. Are people over fifty more likely to be confused than those under fifty? Like, seriously out of it... sometimes even bad...

It strikes me as well that this friendship is rooted entirely in self-interest.
I find it rather tragic that her friend has latched onto her like this, likely spending his days merely waiting for whatever scraps she might deign to toss his way.
It’s a shame, really. He could have found genuine happiness and shared it with someone capable of reciprocating in a meaningful way.

Everyone carves out their own path through life.

When it comes to the psychology behind it all, I’ll just say this: sex is treated like a taboo for maybe two or three valid reasons and a hundred terrible ones—which, if you actually do the math, means it shouldn't be a taboo at all. Personally, I’m all for people doing what they want and having sex whenever the mood strikes, as long as they aren't swapping partners as frequently as they swap out dirty socks or turning intimacy into some massive, overblown drama. At the end of the day, why does anyone even care about the motives?

So, you’ve got this completely dysfunctional woman jumping into these toxic relationships—if you can even call it a relationship when it’s just sex driven by pure greed. At the same time, she’s keeping some guy on her friend list just so he can sit there and pity her life instead of actually dealing with his own...

She gets the cash for an apartment, he gets the sex, and what do you get?

Thanks to everyone for the responses.
To be clear—I am not judging her based on morality. Everyone has the right to choose a partner that suits them, even if it is solely for physical intimacy. Perhaps the "fault" lies with me... but I find intimacy acceptable only when both partners enjoy it and both make an effort to satisfy one another. Anything else feels greasy to me. I realize that not every encounter ends in mutual climax, but the underlying motivation matters. That is why I cannot fathom being in a relationship with someone I don't actually like, especially when I already know I won't enjoy myself... To me, that just feels like coercion or a form of prostitution (which I personally find unacceptable, though I don't judge sex workers, as everyone struggles in their own way). However, she truly seems to have no logical reason for doing this.
He pays off her mortgage regularly, making a cash payment once a year. So, it isn't classic prostitution, but a ten-year zero-interest loan based purely on trust certainly played a role in crafting his image as a "generous benefactor."
Regarding emotions—she claims she once tried her absolute hardest to love him, at least enough to stay with him... but without success. Apparently, he is emotionally dead and incapable of loving anyone, which was the primary reason for the breakup. All of this strikes me as even more illogical...
Ultimately, all that remains is pity (it seems), and I see no reason for such "self-sacrifice." I suggested that she speak to him honestly and stop giving him false hope. If she was able to tell him she couldn't be his partner, she should also tell him she no longer wants to be just a casual outlet for him, and encourage him to find someone else... She simply says she doesn't want to hurt him...
I cannot judge him because I don't know him. He might be perfectly fine and perhaps a bit naive, or he could be highly cunning and manipulative, given that she describes him as very calculating.
Regardless—in any dishonest relationship, someone is getting screwed over one way or another.
Have any of you ever been in a similar situation?

Look, let adults be with whoever they want, under whatever conditions they choose. You should live your own life exactly how you find acceptable. If someone doesn't sit right with you because your moral compasses or worldviews don't align—just go find a different crowd.

Most of them—the ones who aren't actually working the streets—don't have some grand "logical reason" for what they do. It’s just that what they currently have isn't enough, so they start playing the game to chase a higher standard of living.

There’s nothing illogical about it, really.
A woman will do everything in her power to stay with him and refuse to walk away, mostly because she simply can't bear to let go of her golden goose.

Eric Gray2 said:Look, let adults be with whoever they want, under whatever conditions they choose. You should live your own life exactly how you find acceptable. If someone doesn't sit right with you because your moral compasses or worldviews don't align—just go find a different crowd.

Move this thread to the lounge. 🤦

Morgan Morris73 said:Hello everyone.
I am asking for some honest perspectives here because, despite being 50 years old, I find myself quite confused.
A friend of mine met a man a few years ago during a devastating divorce—one that left her mentally and financially shattered. He was about ten years older than her. She says he helped her get back on her feet in every way possible. His support and effort impressed her so much that she actually tried to turn it into a romantic partnership. However, she quickly realized that such a relationship was impossible because she simply wasn't attracted to him. When she told him as much, he stopped calling, though she insisted on maintaining a friendship. A year later, she asked him for financial assistance to buy an apartment (something he had previously offered). Since then, they have started spending more time together—nothing serious, yet they have engaged in sex. She has never truly wanted this; she claims the sex is always incredibly dull and brief, but she goes along with it out of respect and a desire to make him happy as a way of saying thank you. To be clear, my friend is not promiscuous and would never cheat on her current partner, but she still maintains contact with this man (without sex) and admits that if she were to break up with her partner, she would intensify her relationship with him again. Personally, I believe she developed this sense of fearful reverence toward him due to the trauma of her divorce. I also feel her behavior is undignified and self-degrading; she needs to change her perception and end this dynamic immediately. When I shared my opinion with her, she took offense and called me "North American limited".
What is your take on this, and how should I handle it? I would be very grateful for any serious advice.

She is essentially a gold digger. No matter how dear she is to you.

This kind of relationship is humiliating for her. But you don't know her true motives.
If the man is older and she is willing to engage in these immoral dynamics, who knows, maybe she is eyeing his retirement fund.

In any case, you can't forbid her from doing anything.
She has the right to do whatever she wants with her own life.

Once you strip away all the conditioning surrounding sex—all the taboo-driven nonsense, the forced moralizing, and those redundant over-analyses filtered through the preconceived biases of certain social groups—what’s left is just a naked woman and a naked man engaging in intercourse. There is absolutely no need to attach some petty, small-minded disdain or pseudo-intellectual scrutiny to the act itself.
It always comes back to this supposed concept of respect or self-respect within a framework of morality that is, frankly, entirely relative... I suppose we just need to check what some papal encyclical has to say about it to be sure.
A woman lives her own life; she’s been an adult for a long time now. Who are we to go sticking our noses into her personal choices?

Frank Flores63 said:Once you strip away all the conditioning surrounding sex—all the taboo-driven nonsense, the forced moralizing, and those redundant over-analyses filtered through the preconceived biases of certain social groups—what’s left is just a naked woman and a naked man engaging in intercourse. There is absolutely no need to attach some petty, small-minded disdain or pseudo-intellectual scrutiny to the act itself.
It always comes back to this supposed concept of respect or self-respect within a framework of morality that is, frankly, entirely relative... I suppose we just need to check what some papal encyclical has to say about it to be sure.
A woman lives her own life; she’s been an adult for a long time now. Who are we to go sticking our noses into her personal choices?

Is it really that simple, though? When you look at the raw mechanics of how humans actually function, everything else falls away. You're just left with the bare essentials: a female body and a male body (and yeah, age matters too). These instincts pull people together, even when reproduction isn't even the point anymore. People say "Money makes the world go round," but they're wrong. Everything else is just cognitive noise that muddies the frequency of our actual drives. At the core of everything, beneath all the bullshit, there's just that primal urge... "Go and multiply." And they do.