I need some help!

Why don't you just ease up on all that self-imposed pressure? Maybe try focusing on the things in life that actually bring you satisfaction—the stuff you genuinely enjoy doing,
and eventually, you might just figure out who you really are.
Obviously, you can't just decide this overnight, like you're picking a character in a video game. You can't find yourself through endless analysis, either; you just end up lost in the corridors of your own past, overwhelmed by heavy thoughts.

Here is the reality of the situation:
Whatever was essential about you in the past—your core essence—it will resurface in the present when the timing is right. Something that has always been part of you won't reveal itself through sheer force; it happens when the circumstances and conditions align properly.
Analyze yourself a little less, relax a little more, and stick to the things that feel natural to you, where you feel at home. It'll come, don't worry too much.

I’m with William Sanders6 on this one, there’s really nothing left to be said about the whole mess...

And honestly, have you considered why you feel so lost? If you can actually pin down the cause, it might help a little...

Maybe you were just surrounded by dominant personalities who made all the calls for you, and now that you're on your own, you've forgotten how to make decisions because they basically stripped that right away from you...

It’s a heavy thing, not knowing who you are, because then your reactions become totally unpredictable, and people might think you're playing games with them when really you're just inconsistent because you're feeling so adrift... I think you just need to take it one step at a time, since nobody just "finds themselves" overnight, so maybe try to figure out what caused this and work through it slowly...

I'm pretty lost myself, so I get it...

Jesus, what William Sanders6 said there... I think he hit the nail right on the head. It’s funny because it’s almost exactly what I realized this morning. Thanks a ton, I’m definitely going to jot that down.
I've always been the type who had to be the absolute best at everything, but I've been stuck in this massive rut for a few years now, just unable to get moving again... so I guess I'm being a little impatient. But hey, maybe things will just fall into place eventually.
Thanks again so much for the kind words and the encouragement. I totally get where you're coming from...

Yeah, I mean, a lot of stuff was decided for me back then, and then they basically spent all that time trying to tell me I was wrong about it...
I guess that's why things ended up turning out this way

P.S. Thanks so much to you two ladies from the last couple of posts, I’m feeling a little bit better than I did yesterday...

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:P.S. Thanks so much to you two ladies from the last couple of posts, I’m feeling a little bit better than I did yesterday...

Honestly 🙂, William Sanders6 wrote such an incredible post about all this, I feel like I should print it out and pin it to my wall just to remind myself...

Right on? 🙂, I honestly think it suits me perfectly.
Good luck to you too, silvereagle7 🙂))

silvereagle7 said:Honestly 🙂, William Sanders6 wrote such an incredible post about all this, I feel like I should print it out and pin it to my wall just to remind myself...

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Right on? 🙂, I honestly think it suits me perfectly.
Good luck to you too, silvereagle7 🙂))

Thanks, ladies. You've really brightened my mood, and I'm genuinely glad I could offer a little bit of help 😍 take care and stay strong!

Everything just feels kind of pointless lately. I feel like I’ve checked all the boxes—learned everything I was supposed to, read all the books, gathered all the info... but what's left? Like, where do you even go from here? 😢

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Everything just feels kind of pointless lately. I feel like I’ve checked all the boxes—learned everything I was supposed to, read all the books, gathered all the info... but what's left? Like, where do you even go from here? 😢

Just surround yourself with small comforts and try to take life one step at a time.
Find something you can do today that brings a little bit of joy. Just do that.
And then, I suppose, just repeat that process every single day.

Maybe I need to look into adjusting my meds... honestly, I have no clue what's going on with me lately. It’s weird, because for once, I actually feel alive, like I'm finally being the real version of myself... but at the same time, I just feel like this huge void, just total emptiness and chaos.

Hey there!
I suspect we’re walking a pretty similar path right now. Personally, I found that my mental state—which I’d go so far as to say improved significantly—really started to turn around once I began hanging out with people facing the exact same struggles. It’s actually the reason I decided to join this forum in the first place.
If you ever need to vent or just want to chat, don't hesitate to shoot me a DM.

They actually tried to keep me in the hospital yesterday, but I somehow managed to wiggle my way out... I don't know. I guess I just need to work on being a better version of myself... maybe then the darkness will finally fade away

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:They actually tried to keep me in the hospital yesterday, but I somehow managed to wiggle my way out... I don't know. I guess I just need to work on being a better version of myself... maybe then the darkness will finally fade away

So you got an actual plan, or are you just gonna sit there waiting to notice the outlines of what "becoming a better person" even looks like?...

Thanks for reaching out, ironrider11, and for having that specific... what should I call it? That way of looking out for everyone else, I guess. It’s tough being stuck inside four walls all day—kind of like what was mentioned in that one thread about the meaning of life—since we're basically social creatures by nature. So, I suppose the real answer lies in actually getting out there and socializing, right? Maybe...??

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Thanks for reaching out, ironrider11, and for having that specific... what should I call it? That way of looking out for everyone else, I guess. It’s tough being stuck inside four walls all day—kind of like what was mentioned in that one thread about the meaning of life—since we're basically social creatures by nature. So, I suppose the real answer lies in actually getting out there and socializing, right? Maybe...??

I try not to project too much onto other people. Honestly, I just blab whatever pops into my head, and usually, I'm still alive and kicking. If the person I'm talking to doesn't take offense right away, maybe there'll be some back-and-forth conversation. Maybe enough for everyone to get something out of it—for themselves, obviously. We're social creatures only when we need to be. To satisfy our own needs...

I was asking about the outlines and contours; basically, looking for a starting point to figure out how to disperse Crnjak. You can be left in a hospital. In a psych ward. You can be "one of them," left in a hospital. In a psych ward. A Crnjak can be... anything. Anything is possible when someone uses such vague dashes while rambling in a reply. If they wanted to be better people in their own eyes, wouldn't they see that leaving you in a hospital or a psych ward isn't necessarily the best way to set a starting point for finding some way to disperse Crnjak... which is still just a blurry idea somewhere out there...

If you "aren't social or friendly," how do you expect to change things? How do you think the negativity will just vanish on its own if you want things to get better? And what even are these "I'm here, but I'm not really here; I exist but I don't" kind of Crnjaks?

I’m currently on antidepressants, and yesterday they added Zyprexa—an antipsychotic—to the mix... I’m just hoping it helps even a little bit.
I used to be such a social butterfly, honestly. Just a genuinely good person, and people really loved being around me. Back in high school, I had this amazing group of friends, but then my parents basically shut me down because I was always out and about. They were just... worried, I guess? But I was just trying to find myself, you know? Trying to figure out what I actually wanted out of life. They just didn't get it.
It feels like my youth was cut short, in a way. Once I started college, I completely retreated into my own shell. I spent all my time studying English and stopped going out almost entirely. That wasn't really me anymore. I’ve never been much of a fighter, though, so I didn't really push back against my parents, but it’s pretty obvious they stalled my journey toward finding who I am. It’s hard to deal with, honestly. I miss those carefree days... I feel like I lost myself.
I’m living back with them now, over in a neighborhood like Silver Spring... I had my own place for five years before this.

Look, you lived on your own for five years before this. So why the sudden move back in with them at 37? And what's the deal with the meds—antidepressants, antipsychotics like Thorazine... what's the fallout there? How does someone go from having total freedom to being completely shut in and just obsessively studying without even pushing back? If I'm reading you right, studying isn't even something you actually care about... Did you ever work? Try a career? There’s a massive gap in your history here, and honestly, it makes this whole "help me" thread feel like a complete waste of time...

Things just kind of spiraled for me, which is probably why I mentioned that... I ended up feeling incredibly lonely after a while, so I moved back home. That was back in 2009 when I actually started treatment. I just wasn't functioning anymore; even basic stuff like cleaning the apartment or cooking felt totally overwhelming.
I’ve only got about five years of seniority under my belt. I worked in my field, sure, but honestly, I don't care about it at all anymore.
The last place I worked was in an office, until December of last year—wait, no, 2019—but I was barely hanging on by a thread.
I didn't quite catch what you meant by "venting"... are you asking if I had some kind of outlet? ... I never did, which is exactly why I'm stuck on these damn pills now. I'm planning to head over to Central Park for a bit during this quarantine just to clear my head.

Benjamin Alvarez18 said:Things just kind of spiraled for me, which is probably why I mentioned that... I ended up feeling incredibly lonely after a while, so I moved back home. That was back in 2009 when I actually started treatment. I just wasn't functioning anymore; even basic stuff like cleaning the apartment or cooking felt totally overwhelming.
I’ve only got about five years of seniority under my belt. I worked in my field, sure, but honestly, I don't care about it at all anymore.
The last place I worked was in an office, until December of last year—wait, no, 2019—but I was barely hanging on by a thread.
I didn't quite catch what you meant by "venting"... are you asking if I had some kind of outlet? ... I never did, which is exactly why I'm stuck on these damn pills now. I'm planning to head over to Central Park for a bit during this quarantine just to clear my head.

Yeah, that's what happens when you spend your life meeting everyone else's expectations instead of being true to yourself... some people just chase trends just to fit in, others follow their parents' lead and go to ballet class when they actually want to be at a boxing gym, or they stay in marriages they hate just because that's what society expects... You're pretty objective and self-aware, which I think shows you're making progress... but I'm a little confused, since you said living alone wasn't working for you, yet things aren't great now that you're back with your folks either... are you looking to get back on your own, or is staying with them actually better...