Health/Mental Health Issues

Hey guys

Look, I feel pretty crappy even bringing this up here. I’m hoping you guys can be cool about it and maybe toss some actual advice my way.
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Right at the start of our relationship, I caught her cheating. I ended up forgiving her, and honestly, since then, things have been incredible—almost like that whole mess was the catalyst for us actually feeling something real. That part isn't really what I'm questioning! (I mean, the feelings are mutual).

The real issue is this: ever since that happened, my confidence just tanked. During sex, I started having issues where my "little guy" wouldn't get going, and it absolutely crushed me. To cope, I decided to take some Viagra just to get through it once in a while (low doses).
The problem is, I’ve become way too dependent on it. Now, I feel like I can't do it without it.
I went to see some doctors, and they told me physically I'm fine—just need to drop a few pounds. Then I saw a sex therapist, and after several sessions, we've pinpointed it as a psychological hurdle. We're still intimate, but I just pop a pill whenever I know it's happening. Basically, because of the anxiety, I just don't get turned on anymore without help. I used to be ready to go 24/7.
My therapist is pushing me to just come clean to my girlfriend. But man, I am terrified. Everything is going so well between us that we're actually talking about marriage. We haven't had any issues for months. I just know that relying on Viagra forever isn't exactly a long-term health plan.

How do I even bring this up? I'm scared she'll walk away for a few reasons.
1) I've been lying to her for a year, so she might think I don't trust her.
2) She might think I'm not attracted to her anymore.
And whatever.

Can anyone give me some pointers? How should I tell her, or should I even bother? Has anyone else dealt with this?

P.S. If I'm posting in the wrong spot, let me know where I should be asking.

silentangler92 said:Hey guys

Look, I feel pretty crappy even bringing this up here. I’m hoping you guys can be cool about it and maybe toss some actual advice my way.
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Right at the start of our relationship, I caught her cheating. I ended up forgiving her, and honestly, since then, things have been incredible—almost like that whole mess was the catalyst for us actually feeling something real. That part isn't really what I'm questioning! (I mean, the feelings are mutual).

The real issue is this: ever since that happened, my confidence just tanked. During sex, I started having issues where my "little guy" wouldn't get going, and it absolutely crushed me. To cope, I decided to take some Viagra just to get through it once in a while (low doses).
The problem is, I’ve become way too dependent on it. Now, I feel like I can't do it without it.
I went to see some doctors, and they told me physically I'm fine—just need to drop a few pounds. Then I saw a sex therapist, and after several sessions, we've pinpointed it as a psychological hurdle. We're still intimate, but I just pop a pill whenever I know it's happening. Basically, because of the anxiety, I just don't get turned on anymore without help. I used to be ready to go 24/7.
My therapist is pushing me to just come clean to my girlfriend. But man, I am terrified. Everything is going so well between us that we're actually talking about marriage. We haven't had any issues for months. I just know that relying on Viagra forever isn't exactly a long-term health plan.

How do I even bring this up? I'm scared she'll walk away for a few reasons.
1) I've been lying to her for a year, so she might think I don't trust her.
2) She might think I'm not attracted to her anymore.
And whatever.

Can anyone give me some pointers? How should I tell her, or should I even bother? Has anyone else dealt with this?

P.S. If I'm posting in the wrong spot, let me know where I should be asking.

Honestly, you shouldn't really dive into all your health or mental struggles with a girl until things are serious. Once you're at that stage, people are usually ready to handle the messy parts of a partner, and being upfront is kind of a litmus test for the relationship anyway.

As far as the sexual side goes, you clearly have a confidence issue and a struggle with how you perceive yourself. You aren't ready to accept that you're sensitive in bed or that you have trouble staying up. You won't fix this on your own without involving your partner—you need to talk about those fears and what actually turns you on. At the end of the day, intimacy is the first real indicator of whether two people truly click and if they can accept themselves and each other.

You'll be able to move past the Viagra once you admit there's an issue—once you stop putting pressure on sex to be "perfect" and just let things happen naturally, without the guilt or the forced foreplay. Focus on what drives you crazy about her and stop beating yourself up. Also, seriously, stay away from porn, booze, and a crappy lifestyle.

So what’s the move here? Do I just come clean now, or do I play it cool and wait a little longer?
I’m seriously grinding, fighting fires on every single front, but honestly... I’m terrified.
If I’d just owned up to the problem right out of the gate, things would be fine. But now? After a whole year of dragging this out?
I AM SCARED AS HELL

silentangler92 said:Hey guys

Look, I feel pretty crappy even bringing this up here. I’m hoping you guys can be cool about it and maybe toss some actual advice my way.
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Right at the start of our relationship, I caught her cheating. I ended up forgiving her, and honestly, since then, things have been incredible—almost like that whole mess was the catalyst for us actually feeling something real. That part isn't really what I'm questioning! (I mean, the feelings are mutual).

The real issue is this: ever since that happened, my confidence just tanked. During sex, I started having issues where my "little guy" wouldn't get going, and it absolutely crushed me. To cope, I decided to take some Viagra just to get through it once in a while (low doses).
The problem is, I’ve become way too dependent on it. Now, I feel like I can't do it without it.
I went to see some doctors, and they told me physically I'm fine—just need to drop a few pounds. Then I saw a sex therapist, and after several sessions, we've pinpointed it as a psychological hurdle. We're still intimate, but I just pop a pill whenever I know it's happening. Basically, because of the anxiety, I just don't get turned on anymore without help. I used to be ready to go 24/7.
My therapist is pushing me to just come clean to my girlfriend. But man, I am terrified. Everything is going so well between us that we're actually talking about marriage. We haven't had any issues for months. I just know that relying on Viagra forever isn't exactly a long-term health plan.

How do I even bring this up? I'm scared she'll walk away for a few reasons.
1) I've been lying to her for a year, so she might think I don't trust her.
2) She might think I'm not attracted to her anymore.
And whatever.

Can anyone give me some pointers? How should I tell her, or should I even bother? Has anyone else dealt with this?

P.S. If I'm posting in the wrong spot, let me know where I should be asking.

First, do you actually trust your girlfriend now after the infidelity?
If you truly forgave her, you should have trust. Why the fear?

Second, what kind of relationship is it if you have been hiding a problem from her for a year?

Third, this is definitely a psychological issue.
It is a lack of trust combined with placing her on a pedestal for no reason.

In this entire situation, she should be the one worried about you leaving her, not the other way around.

Why does she deserve to be prioritized above your own well-being?

silentangler92 said:So what’s the move here? Do I just come clean now, or do I play it cool and wait a little longer?
I’m seriously grinding, fighting fires on every single front, but honestly... I’m terrified.
If I’d just owned up to the problem right out of the gate, things would be fine. But now? After a whole year of dragging this out?
I AM SCARED AS HELL

What exactly are you scared of? That the relationship is gonna tank?
Honestly, if that's the case, you don't need a woman like that anyway—it’s better to deal with this now than when you can’t perform at all once you have three kids running around...
Is it her reaction you're worried about? Like, that the last year was a waste, or that you were struggling for nothing, or that you won't be good in bed and she'll be disappointed...
If that’s what’s eating you, then you’ve seriously messed up this relationship—you’ve basically handed one person total control over your life and turned yourself into a pushover who’s too afraid to even enjoy being with a beautiful, attractive woman...
Once you stop sweating all that stuff, you'll find you can get it up for her or anyone else you find attractive without any issues...

Just say it and see what happens. Put on that sad, worried face and go, "Look, I'm sorry, I was embarrassed and I didn't mean to hurt you." Whatever. If she accepts it, great—then it's time to fix a relationship where she cheated on you but somehow you ended up taking the blame because you're too scared of her leaving to actually grow some balls. Otherwise, staying married is just gonna be miserable for you...

silentangler92 said:Hey guys

Look, I feel pretty crappy even bringing this up here. I’m hoping you guys can be cool about it and maybe toss some actual advice my way.
So, here’s the deal. I’ve been seeing this girl for about a year now. Right at the start of our relationship, I caught her cheating. I ended up forgiving her, and honestly, since then, things have been incredible—almost like that whole mess was the catalyst for us actually feeling something real. That part isn't really what I'm questioning! (I mean, the feelings are mutual).

The real issue is this: ever since that happened, my confidence just tanked. During sex, I started having issues where my "little guy" wouldn't get going, and it absolutely crushed me. To cope, I decided to take some Viagra just to get through it once in a while (low doses).
The problem is, I’ve become way too dependent on it. Now, I feel like I can't do it without it.
I went to see some doctors, and they told me physically I'm fine—just need to drop a few pounds. Then I saw a sex therapist, and after several sessions, we've pinpointed it as a psychological hurdle. We're still intimate, but I just pop a pill whenever I know it's happening. Basically, because of the anxiety, I just don't get turned on anymore without help. I used to be ready to go 24/7.
My therapist is pushing me to just come clean to my girlfriend. But man, I am terrified. Everything is going so well between us that we're actually talking about marriage. We haven't had any issues for months. I just know that relying on Viagra forever isn't exactly a long-term health plan.

How do I even bring this up? I'm scared she'll walk away for a few reasons.
1) I've been lying to her for a year, so she might think I don't trust her.
2) She might think I'm not attracted to her anymore.
And whatever.

Can anyone give me some pointers? How should I tell her, or should I even bother? Has anyone else dealt with this?

P.S. If I'm posting in the wrong spot, let me know where I should be asking.

Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to say. Lies about your limp little junk.
Just tell her. Tell her you've become mentally hooked on Viagra. Tell her things haven't been working right for two months and you were too embarrassed to admit it sooner. Make sure she knows it’s not her fault—it’s just your own anxiety about not being able to perform.

🤣

darkcanyon10 said:Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to say. Lies about your limp little junk.
Just tell her. Tell her you've become mentally hooked on Viagra. Tell her things haven't been working right for two months and you were too embarrassed to admit it sooner. Make sure she knows it’s not her fault—it’s just your own anxiety about not being able to perform.

That's just how X is going to be

You guys are pretty much 90 percent right. That other 10 percent? It wasn't even about cheating. I was already dealing with stuff before any of that happened. This whole thing started a month ago, though everything was fine before that. As for the cheating thing, we actually handled that while we were broken up for those 15 days. Honestly, it's just a massive lack of confidence. That's the bottom line. My goal is to please everyone—her included—and that's where I'm tripping up. Instead of actually enjoying the sex, I'm just obsessing over her satisfaction. Now this fear has kicked in. I'm trying to fight through it, but it's not about her, it's about me. Thanks for the advice.

silentangler92 said:🤣

That's just how X is going to be

You guys are pretty much 90 percent right. That other 10 percent? It wasn't even about cheating. I was already dealing with stuff before any of that happened. This whole thing started a month ago, though everything was fine before that. As for the cheating thing, we actually handled that while we were broken up for those 15 days. Honestly, it's just a massive lack of confidence. That's the bottom line. My goal is to please everyone—her included—and that's where I'm tripping up. Instead of actually enjoying the sex, I'm just obsessing over her satisfaction. Now this fear has kicked in. I'm trying to fight through it, but it's not about her, it's about me. Thanks for the advice.

Everything you just laid out is basically a textbook example of how *not* to approach sex or women in general...

Over 15 years ago, during my very first session with a psychiatrist, I blurted out something almost identical to what you're saying now. Those three sentences were enough for them to put me straight into group therapy immediately.
You're getting the fundamentals wrong...
The priority in a relationship shouldn't be solely about how you satisfy her, but rather how you satisfy your own needs too...
Beyond that, you need to build yourself up and learn to satisfy yourself first—trust me, other people will always find their way if you take care of yourself...
She can take care of herself; she found you because you're constantly overextending yourself to please her and relying on Viagra because you've completely neglected your own pleasure—you've put yourself dead last on the list.

If you keep going down this path, you're going to fold the second things get emotionally intense, especially when she starts throwing her moods at you. Basically, you'll end up losing everything you've invested just because you're terrified of losing her, and you'll turn into a total pushover...

You seriously need to talk to a therapist and work on your confidence and learning how to be a bit more "selfish" in bed and in life. If she isn't capable of being sexually devoted to you or making sure you're satisfied, I'd honestly suggest breaking it off. There's no future there. Otherwise, this relationship is just going to consume you until you aren't even a person anymore, just a tool used to meet someone else's needs.

In a few years, you're going to look back at this post and realize... anyway, thanks and take care.

silentangler92 said:🤣

That's just how X is going to be

You guys are pretty much 90 percent right. That other 10 percent? It wasn't even about cheating. I was already dealing with stuff before any of that happened. This whole thing started a month ago, though everything was fine before that. As for the cheating thing, we actually handled that while we were broken up for those 15 days. Honestly, it's just a massive lack of confidence. That's the bottom line. My goal is to please everyone—her included—and that's where I'm tripping up. Instead of actually enjoying the sex, I'm just obsessing over her satisfaction. Now this fear has kicked in. I'm trying to fight through it, but it's not about her, it's about me. Thanks for the advice.

Fair enough, you’ve pretty much pinpointed the core issue here. So, what's the plan? Are you actually going to do something about it?

Joseph Bailey41 said:Fair enough, you’ve pretty much pinpointed the core issue here. So, what's the plan? Are you actually going to do something about it?

I'll give it a shot. Stick with the therapy, fight the good fight. I'm gonna try to drop some weight too and figure out how to actually enjoy life along the way. If things don't improve, I'll just lay it all out for her. Look, if she truly cares, she'll get it. If not... well, then she isn't the one for me.

Hey everyone, haven't popped onto the forum in a minute.
But here I am. Honestly, I can't even wrap my head around how things went down. I laid it all out there—just being completely real with her, no filters.
She told me she needs a few days to let everything "settle." So, what now? Any advice? How do I look out for myself while still giving her the space she needs?

silentangler92 said:Hey everyone, haven't popped onto the forum in a minute.
But here I am. Honestly, I can't even wrap my head around how things went down. I laid it all out there—just being completely real with her, no filters.
She told me she needs a few days to let everything "settle." So, what now? Any advice? How do I look out for myself while still giving her the space she needs?

Look man, I'll give it to you straight: first, I'm right, second, what I'm saying is true, and third, you're screwed. Life follows certain rules, including psychology, and my take might be a bit unconventional. It's simple: you want her so badly that you forgave her even when you didn't want to, just to keep her around. By doing that, you surrendered your leverage. You aren't "on top" anymore, which explains why you're losing touch with reality and why the intimacy in the bedroom is dying. 😢 It's a classic push-pull dynamic. She’s essentially playing the antagonist here; she broke your trust and walked away without any consequences. If you were Mike Tyson, you would've handled it differently, but instead, you chose to follow outdated social norms rather than standing your ground. And look where that got you—heading straight toward a marriage you aren't ready for. Congrats, I guess. If you've learned this lesson once, hopefully you won't repeat it, but if she keeps doing what she knows she can get away with... well, who cares, right?🙂🙂🙂 and if she does, whatever... right?🙂

edit: PTSD is just a delayed reaction to danger. You could say you suppressed your own reaction, or maybe you couldn't express it because you're still tied to those societal expectations. If that's the case, it's not your fault, but you'll realize the cost once you're left hanging. Some might say if you've already identified as an altruist, you're in trouble, and if you haven't, you're still stuck... though there's always :coffe: